O::O::O Chapter 8 : A Very Important Package From FedEx O::O::O
After being hit with the toilet plunger, Kiku scrambled out of his room in a blind and confused daze and stumbled down the stairs. At the bottom, he looked up to find his brother Yao wide awake on one of the living room sofas. His hair stuck up in every way imaginable and his eyes were sunken with dark bags.
"Yao," Kiku murmured, slowly rising off the floor as if he couldn't believe his brother was sitting there. "You're home."
Yao grimaced. "She's still in this house. That girl needs to leave, aru! We haven't been able to have visitors for well over two months, aru!"
Kiku sighed and slumped onto the other couch, sinking into the cushions until only his shoulders were visible. "What do we do?" His muffled voice wondered. "We've tried exorcising…Maybe she has a crush?"
"Aru, no!" Yao ground his teeth angrily. "I don't know, aru. I don't know. But that thing in the Clauses basement was rumbling again when I came home." Kiku gazed expectantly at his brother. "What, aru?"
"I saw the news on MSN," Kiku murmured. He sounded disturbed. "They say a nucrear reactor was storen from a NASA aircraft. Do you think—"
Yao sighed, immediately dismissing the thought. "No, aru, and what does it matter? I'm going to give that damn Vargas a word; he must deal with those Clauses by the end of the week! I say we go over and meet them this night!"
Kiku swallowed. "Hai. I suppose it is about time…I don't suppose you have coffee?" Yao shook his head. "I'rr buy some today."
They sat in silence until their house rumbled with gun fire from Sadiq's home and watched wearily as smoke bombs nailed the outside of their house. Soon even the living room was emerged with thick fog, but Yao and Kiku had already passed out from exhaustion.
OO:OO:OO::OO:OO::OO:OO::OO:OO:OO
Dear Elizabeta Bastard,
You toppled my mailbox, you damn bastard. This is the third time this week. The THIRD. I know you have a damn crush on that damn Roderich, but dammit, try to act fucking CIVILIZED! Your hair is fucking Medieval, just like your wit! I mean, who the hell do you think you are—Brittany Spears? Do you think the whole damn world is suddenly going to revolve around you? That's stupid!
If you break my mailbox again, I'm going to fucking KILL your mailbox! I'll get you and your damn mailbox, too!
Your not-loving neighbor,
Lovino Vargas
PS: You ride a bike? It's fucking 2012!
Lovino glared from his curb as cop cars pulled out of Hercules' driveway with him in the back. Another cruiser holding Sadiq passed and Lovino scowled. He couldn't even count how many times they'd been at it that month. Obviously, Deputy Soo had had enough. Maybe he'd actually book 'em this time instead of admiring Hercules for his volunteer work in the Army.
It was a constant, never-ending war with them. Sadiq had served in the Navy and Hercules in the Army. Judge Mathias had served in the Air Force. The firefighters thought Sadiq was the next best thing since sliced bread and the police force thought Hercules was the cat's pajamas.
Lovino hugged himself wearily and sighed. If only the judge were his friend, too.
Antonio and Nicolla were outside, fixing Lovino's burned and leaning mailbox with duck tape. As Gilbert and Alfred stepped outside, Lovino noticed Alfred giving Nicolla a very obvious look and a fire swarmed his stomach. Who the hell was that bastard to be making passes at his damned cousin? Lovino wasn't even sure if she was real yet!
His mind was still foggy, but Lovino was sober when he looked back at his house. It was difficult to believe his gorgeous house was gone forever. The lawn he'd worked so hard on, the garden he'd spent years working with—gone. He'd called his lawyer but the bastard had informed him it would take about a month to transact the warranty money into his account. Lovino couldn't wait that long; he needed a job and a house. He'd kept silent at Ben & Jerry's, bidding his time as Antonio and Nicolla talked about how they had been there just that night.
Surprisingly, Lovino had found he was jealous. As Antonio and Nicolla described their wild night and morning—in which Antonio fell silent and Nicolla, brows furrowed, changed the subject—Lovino found himself boiling with fury. When he wondered where Lovino Jr. was and Nicolla pulled him out of her jeans' pocket, Lovino thought he would explode.
Antonio was supposed to be hitting on me! Lovino thought bitterly. What the hell is Nicolla the bastard doing in his damn story? And what the hell is she doing with my turtle?!
It was all very confusing. Lovino wasn't supposed to feel jealous simply because his cousin had an adventure with a Spanish bastard Lovino couldn't even consider a friend. As Lovino sat at that table with ice cream, as he sat there on his curb, his skin boiled.
Then Antonio had asked Lovino if he wanted to stay with him. Of course, Lovino said, "No, you bastard! Like hell I would!" and immediately regretted his decision—where could he stay? Maybe the police station…He hadn't come within ten feet of any sorority girl, but he knew it was only a matter of time.
"What time is it?" Nicolla bursted his bubble of concentration.
Antonio glanced at his wristwatch that was probably worth short of a thousand dollars. "Thirty past ten, amiga." Lovino burned.
"Cool." Nicolla stood back and admired her handy work. The mailbox was covered in duck tape and strings to keep the tilted side pinned to the ground. They had gone through at least three of the five rolls that Lukas had given them.
Why Lukas kept so much duck tape was beyond Lovino.
"Hey!" Alfred suddenly yelled. Nicolla, Antonio and Lovino looked up. "Nicolla, I heard you skateboarded through a mall."
Nicolla nodded, surprised and curious to see where he was going with this. "Yeah, sure did. What about it?"
"Awesome!" Gilbert exclaimed. "Come to our party tonight, Nicolla! It'll be awesome!"
Nicolla's eyes widened; she hadn't been expecting that. She'd never been invited to a fraternity party before. She felt like smokin' a cigar! She had thought of asking Jerald for a one back at Antonio's, but he didn't look like the type to share. "Uh, yeah. Yeah, okay. Sounds awesome!"
"Awesome!" Gilbert breathed. Lovino clenched his jaw, appalled with Gilbert's interest in his cousin.
"What should I wear?" Nicolla asked.
"Whatever you feel like, dude!" Alfred replied excitedly. "It's totally casual!"
Grinning and excited, Nicolla bounced on her heels. "All right. Sounds cool! I'll be there!"
As Gilbert and Alfred sped off for Birds R Us (Alfred had promised to buy Gilbert a duck after he had accidentally eaten his goldfish), Lovino picked up an acorn and chucked it at Nicolla's head. He missed and hit Antonio who blinked and continued wrapping the mailbox with duck tape as if nothing had happened.
"By the way," Nicolla addressed Antonio. "Your mom said she lost her cheek. I think she meant her dog, Cheeky. Lovino said she had a dog and Kiku said something about it at the park last night." Lovino wanted to drop three tons of acorns on her head.
Antonio gaped. "Oh! You have right! I suppose that's what she…" He swallowed as memories reeled from that morning. "Meant."
Nicolla slapped him like she'd done earlier that morning. "Stop dwelling on it. You'll be fine. We'll figure something out."
Antonio sighed. "I sure hope you're right."
"Of course I'm right," Nicolla said, a triumphant smirk stretching across her lips. "I'm always right."
"Were you right the time you told-a me Big Bear Mountain didn't-a have big bears?" Lovino snapped.
Nicolla squeaked. "That was different!" She cried defensively.
"And-a what about the time you told-a me there weren't-a any tarantulas in Hawaii?"
"Dude, it was Hawaii! I thought they had dolphins and coral reefs!"
"They do, bastard!"
"Shut up!"
"Package!"
The trio looked up. A man stepped out of a FedEx truck and pulled a box from the back. He was a tall, buff man but struggled with the weight. As he stepped over the curb he knocked Antonio's head and set the box down on Nicolla's foot. She howled with pain and pulled it out from under, groaning.
"Who's—aaaaaaaaahhh—Mr. Vargas?" The postman asked, glancing at his clipboard for the name.
Lovino stepped up and grabbed the clipboard, ripping it from the postman's grip. "I am, you bastard." Mumbling to himself, he pressed the tip of the ballpoint pen against the paper, prepared to sign his name when he stopped himself. "Wait a damn minute, what-a the hell-a is in that-a thing?"
The postman stared at the box for a moment and he squinted, thinking hard. After nearly two minutes he grinned and shrugged. "Dunno, dude. It's pretty hefty."
"Wonder what's in it," Antonio murmured as he observed the box. "Would you like me to sign the paper, Lovino? If you don't like it, you won't have to deal with it."
Determined to ignore Antonio despite his politeness, Lovino growled and signed the paper. Then he flipped that paper over and scowled, finding another one.
"So I heard there was some strange stuff going on here yesterday," the postman said, bouncing on his heels like a kid in a candy shop. "Somethin' about a stakeout and a genoooratooor!"
"A generator?" Antonio's nose crinkled. "I don't remember such a thing. What are you talking about?"
Lovino finished writing, flipped the paper, and scowled again; another paper.
"Dunno, man," the postman said. He had a creepy grin as if he had a secret to tell. "Just heard a lot of rumbling was goin' on in the neighborhood last night. Some Russian guy called my buddy at the police department to complain." Something like amusement flashed in Antonio's eyes. "Said it was hurting his ears. Then some Chinese dude kept goin' on and on about how horrible it was that he wasn't getting no beauty sleep."
Lovino signed two more papers and almost cursed; there were more, dammit!
Antonio's brows crinkled. "So what exactly did they hear?"
The postman shrugged. "Not sure. Something about rumbling next door. And my buddy said the Chinese dude said he saw someone out on your neighbor's—" he gestured with a nod towards the Clauses' house "—porch. Creepy fuckery, dude."
Antonio nodded slowly, processing. "Yes. I suppose so."
"Have you guys even met them yet?" Nicolla wondered harmlessly.
"No!" Lovino snapped. He grumbled curses under his breath as he flipped paper after paper, signing line after line.
Antonio glanced at the house left of the fraternity and frowned. "You said a Russian man called, didn't you?"
The postman nodded. "Yep! He sounded drunk, my buddy said. Pretty awesome, right? A drunk Russian? Sounds awesome."
Antonio didn't answer. He kept his sight on the fraternity's neighbor. Nicolla glanced at him and did her best to follow his sight. Kiku said a Russian guy lived there. No one knew too much about him. She glanced at Antonio again, to check she had the right house.
Lovino slapped the clipboard against the postman's chest. "Dammit, here!" He shouted. "I'm-a done!"
The postman grinned and started back to his truck. "Cool."
The box moved and rocked as Lovino stepped before it, examining its label.
Fresh Tomatoes!
Something in Lovino snapped and he roared as he began to push it towards the street. Nicolla watched in amusement as her cousin parked the box in the middle of the street.
"He really doesn't like that," Antonio murmured, his eyes wide in bewilderment.
A dark shadow stretched to the bridge of Lovino's nose, covering demonic slits of eyes as he stepped away, huffing and laughing under his breath after a muttered word here and there.
"H-hang on!" Nicolla exclaimed, rushing out to the box. "They're tomatoes. What's your deal, Lovi—"
"What's inside is-a my damn deal!" He shouted, storming off down the street. "Don't-a you open the damn thing-a, you idiots! You bastardos! Don't open it, no matter what!"
Nicolla looked back at Antonio, bemused. "Are they, like, aliens or something?" Nicolla's eyes narrowed as the box rocked again. She took a cautious step back. "It's moving."
"JUST-A DON'T OPEN THE DAMN BOX-A!" Lovino screamed, stomping towards the Clauses'. A sudden gust of wind swept through the bare branches of trees in their yard and Lovino was captivated for a moment, possessed by curiosity as he gazed at the doors he'd never seen a soul enter or exit from besides the past residents, the old hag Liz Barkley and her husband Rock. "Nope." Lovino turned to walk in the opposite direction.
Nicolla was hunched over the box, one foot braced against the lid as she tried to tear a duck tapped flap. Antonio watched from the sidelines, ready to step in if she needed help; though Nicolla was too proud to ask for help. He stepped forward but Nicolla thwarted him away with a shrill out of breath, "I got this! I got this!"
Lovino was still for a moment, terrified of what was inside, what Nicolla was about to discover.
A singing bird with secrets…
He lunged forward, adrenaline flushing his skin, his stomach welling with horror. He had to stop her before she opened that crate!
But just as the duck tape began to give, a car swerved around the corner behind Lovino. It sped down the street like a racecar and Antonio, the first to notice it, knew the driver had no intention of slowing down. His jaw dropped, his mouth forming muted words. Lovino's hand was in Nicolla's hair as the car reached the border of his and the Clauses' property line and finally Lovino heard it. He froze, shocked and helpless, then ground his teeth and pushed Nicolla to the ground, covering her with himself.
He hadn't the faintest clue in his foggy mind why he would even want to rescue his dastardly cousin, but there he was, ready to die for her or with her.
But it wasn't necessary; the car swerved with a horrific screech and narrowly missed Lovino's arm and the box.
Numb and shivering, Lovino watched as the driver flicked him the bird out the window and sped further off down the street. Lovino levitated onto his feet and he brushed himself off with trembling hands and almost buckled with wobbly legs.
"Dude," Nicolla breathed when she sat up, "I thought he was really gonna run us over."
Lovino scowled. "No. He's a bastard—"
He was sorely interrupted when Antonio flung his arms around him and nearly cracked one of his ribs. "Lovino, my love! You are safe!" Antonio held Lovino close, oblivious to his struggles and Italian curses. "That car came from nowhere! I was terrified you would be—"
Lovino promptly sucker punched Antonio and backed away fuming. "You bastard! Don't you know what the hell personal space is?!"
Antonio chuckled. "You are still so fiery even after almost being run over—"
"Shut up, bastard! Don't patronize me!"
"But Lovino, I'm not patronizing—"
"YES YOU ARE, SO STOP IT, DAMMIT!"
"What the hell were you idiots doing?!"
Lovino, Antonio, and Nicolla turned to discover the driver had exited his car and was stomping towards them. He wasn't too tall nor too short. He was about the size of Nicolla, maybe half a head taller, with sharp, narrow emerald eyes and blonde hair that shined like a star. He was very pale, probably from the aftermath of a close call, and he was trembling.
"You idiots!" He yelled, his voice hoarse with trepidation. "What were you thinking? Do you people always stand around in the middle of the damned road?!"
"Hey, bastard!" Lovino yelled back, his irritation matching the man's fury. They were both shaken and both very pissed off. "Don't you-a fucking yell at me! You could have-a slowed down, bastard!"
"Lovino—" Antonio began, concern lacing his tone.
"You were the idiots out in the middle of the street!" Blondie all but screamed. He and Lovino met in the middle of the street nose to nose. Lovino was about two-and-a-half heads taller than Blondie, but Blondie's glare was lethal. "You've ruined my day with that! Imagine what would have happened if I wasn't able to brake!"
"Well, dammit, it's-a not my fault!" Lovino growled belligerently. "Like I-a fucking said, you should have-a slowed the fuck down!"
"Hi!" Blondie and Lovino turned to a kindly smiling Nicolla. She wedged herself between both boys and extended her hand to Blondie. "I'm Nicolla. Nicolla Vargas. What's your name?"
"Hey!" Lovino hissed petulantly. "What are you fucking—"
Blondie narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Why do you want to know?"
"Well, it's polite, isn't it?" Nicolla blinked innocently.
Blondie's jaw clenched. "Vash."
Nicolla tried for an indifferent expression, but the triumphant flare in her eyes betrayed her. Hey, Blondie was cute! God, he was hot! "Okay, Vash, don't mind my cousin—"
"Cosa?!" Lovino roared.
Nicolla stepped fully in front of him, sighing wistfully. "See, his house burnt down this morning." Vash didn't look especially impressed. He didn't even look interested. "And he was worried about his turtle."
"What the hell do I care?" Vash snapped. Nicolla frowned, taken aback with his sharp hostility. "Don't try to distract me; you were standing in the road with your cousin! Do you know how dangerous that is?"
Nicolla's positive thinking suddenly came to a halt. Oh, he was gonna nag, was he? Nicolla bristled. She hated nagging. It reminded her of her narcissistic mother. She had thought she'd never hear her rough too-many-cigarettes voice booming inside her head after their last encounter; Now, do your laundry, Nicolla. Did you remember the litterbox? Dammit, Nicolla, you know how I feel about those stupid Bond movies you watch. Now, Nicolla, I see your homework on the table, and it looks like you finished it, but did you?
"I was trying to rescue that box before anyone hit it," she replied cooly. Vash's eyes narrowed as if he knew exactly what she was thinking and was trying to duplicate the old hag's cross expression. He completely succeeded, too.
"Yeah the hell right!" Lovino exploded abruptly. "You wanted to-a know what the fucking hell was-a in there, bastard! Don't-a blame this all on-a me!" He pushed Nicolla out of the way. "Go fucking do something else! This is-a between this-a bastard here and me!"
"I'm the bastard?!" Vash exclaimed sourly. "You were the one in the middle of the street!"
As Nicolla watched her cousin and Vash go at it like bucking bulls, she suddenly noticed a stray strand of hair twirling on her cousin's head. It was a curl! Where the hell did that come from? That's always been there, hasn't it? She thought dumbly. Wow, I feel stupid.
Antonio smiled and watched Lovino roar, genuinely amused. No one noticed Nicolla sneak behind Vash and rip the rest of the duck tape off the box. She struggled with the lid, but was finally able to rip one of the cardboard flaps off.
Nicolla's heart flew into her throat when someone's head clocked hers. She was disoriented for a second before the rambling began.
"Please don't kill me, I'm-a sorry! I just-a wanted to be by your-a side! I haven't-a seen you in-a forever, I just wanted to see you, so please, please, don't-a kill me! Please!"
Feliciano Vargas, Lovino's annoying and dimwitted little brother had been cramped in the tomato box for three days since his parents had shipped him off to Miami. Lovino shuddered and almost began to sob—it was released. Vash turned, one brow cocked. Nicolla gaped, astonished.
"Feliciano!" Antonio cried, rushing to his side to calm his babbling. "Feliciano, you are in Miami!"
"Yes, yes!" Feliciano sobbed, slapping himself repeatedly. "I'm-a in Miami, but don't-a kill me! I just haven't-a seen you in so long and I-a missed you and I-a wanted to see you, but Grandpa told-a me he would kick-a me out of the family, but I didn't care so he packed me in-a this box and shipped me on a FedEx plane, so please don't-a kill me!"
"Is that Feliciano?" Francis boomed from down the street.
Lovino bristled and ran to his brother to slap a hand over his mouth. "Stop-a making a damn scene, bastard, or that French bastard will never leave-a me the hell alone!" Feliciano whimpered behind his brother's hand. "Shut-a the fuck up!"
Vash's eyes narrowed again, as if he were appalled with the way Lovino treated his brother. Nicolla retreated and almost backed into him. She whipped around, surprised. When she realized it was Vash, she huffed and bit her lip, silencing an apology. Vash shifted sideways.
"Lovino," Antonio scolded, "That's not the right way to treat your brother." Smiling, Antonio grabbed one of the lid flaps and dragged Feliciano to the curb. "And you can't really be upset, love—Feliciano left the family to visit you."
Lovino froze, incredulous. Was that what the moron had said? Hell, Lovino hadn't heard a word; the thought the bastard was speaking tongues. "A-ah—well—"
"Francis!" Feliciano greeted, suddenly tranquil. He waved to the Frenchman. Francis laughed oddly, like a pedophile pleased with a picture he had taken earlier that day, and waved back. It was slow and emphasized.
Lovino grabbed his brother's hand. "Don't wave to him, bastard!"
"Why not?" Feliciano gasped calmly, as if he hadn't been begging for his life ten seconds ago.
"Because he's a damn dirty pervert!" Lovino exclaimed, glaring at Antonio. "And-a so are you, you Spanish bastard."
Antonio frowned sulkily. "Lovino, that isn't very nice."
"I don't give a damn! Nicolla why, the hell did-a you open the damn box? Why didn't-a you leave it be?"
Nicolla opened her mouth to defend herself but Feliciano wailed high and loud; "You are-a mad at me, see?! See?! I'm-a sorry, don't kill me—"
"SHUT THE HELL UP!"
"That's not the way you should treat your brother," Vash snapped, effectively earning Lovino's attention.
Lovino whirled, ready to shoot the big guns. "Shut-a the fuck up, bastard!"
Antonio opened his mouth to interject when a loud humming began. Nicolla and Lovino tore their attention away from Feliciano and focused on Antonio with wide eyes.
"Is that your mating call?" Nicolla murmured, hoping it was.
"…Uh?" Antonio deadpanned.
He flushed a bright red, wondering for a moment if he really was the source of the noise. But slowly he realized it wasn't him and he turned to the Clauses' house along with the rest of the neighborhood. The house rumbled and shook, its low moan resonating off the houses. It sounded like a symphony of growling dogs. The vibration rocked Nicolla's legs until they were jelly.
The Clauses' house was vibrating.