A/N: So before you read this chapter I want you to know I was getting bored with writing during The Order of the Phoenix so there is a bit of a time jump to after Sirius' death at the end of Book 5.
"Remus, you're being overly stubborn on this," Sirius said to his old friend as they both sat in the basement kitchen drinking tea. Sirius hadn't brought up what he truly thought about Remus' decision to end the only relationship that he had ever truly been involved in. Or at least that Sirius knew of. Remus was never the most forthcoming man. He hadn't seen Remus open up to anyone until Tonks.
"I'm only trying to protect the girl," Remus said quickly standing and walking over to the kettle to refill his tea cup.
"That's the problem isn't it," Sirius shouted. The man got up and walked over to his friend and took the kettle out of his hands. "You're looking at her as though she is still a girl and she's not. She's nowhere near our age, but, Remus, you love the woman. Why can't you just let yourself?"
"Quiet, Sirius," Remus shouted.
"NO," Sirius shouted back. "You are such a pigheaded stubborn man. I sit here like a caged animal, I have a reason to be depressed. You have the love a woman and freedom to roam the world as you please. You should at least attempt happiness, Remus."
Remus was sitting in the parlor of 12 Grimmauld Place remembering this conversation he had with his friend just a few weeks prior. Now he didn't have Sirius to talk sense into him. To tell him he was being stupid and Tonks was so depressed that she wasn't coming around when she wasn't needed. After the battle at the Department of Mysteries she had stopped talking to almost everyone. Besides Molly and her parents. Life had become a lonely abyss for Remus; again.
Remus hadn't really talked to anyone either. He stopped communicating very quickly after Sirius' death. Remus no longer had anyone he was close to. Everyone that he had relied on as a teenager was gone. The woman he loved wasn't speaking to him because he didn't want to hurt her and in making sure that he didn't hurt her he pushed her away and lost her. And it was slowly killing him.
That day there was to be an Order meeting at 12 Grimmauld Place. Dumbledore would be making an appearance along with Snape and the rest of the members. Voldemort was officially back in almost full power and Fudge had to admit it. He had seen Voldemort with his own eyes and now the wizarding world had been sent into a panic. The Ministry of Magic was sending Aurors everywhere there was word of Voldemort and where he may be. They were finally taking the threat of Voldemort's return with seriousness.
This also meant that The Order was now meeting more often and those who both worked at the Ministry and with The Order had doubled their work. Kingsley, Arthur, and Tonks were in a constant state of exhaustion attempting to do both jobs well enough to get something done.
Tonks hadn't had a decent night's sleep since Sirius had died. She thought it was because Sirius was her cousin and having more of her family die wasn't what she wanted. She wished that she could have had more time with Sirius and gotten closer to him. He was the only family that she could have a relationship with besides her mother. So she threw herself into her work and didn't even give herself time to think about Remus. They really only saw each other in passing.
"Dear," Molly started, "he said he needed time to figure out how to let someone care for him. That was not him telling you 'never,'" she said to the young witch.
Tonks walked away from Molly and looked out the dusty window. "Molly, I can't keep going back to this. It's been hard enough. I haven't been able to morph in months. I've got to figure out a way to move on. It's causing me to lose focus and I can't do that right now. Mad-Eye is sure that Voldemort is going to show himself soon and I can't be distracted when that time comes," she said to Molly as she paced through the room.
Molly walked up to Tonks and hugged the girl close to her body. "I can understand that. It's gonna take some time though, first loves are hard to forget."
Tonks smiled into Molly's shoulder while a few tears fell from her eyes.
The Order of the Phoenix had gathered in the basement kitchen and awaited the arrival of Dumbledore. They didn't have to wait long until Albus Dumbledore came walking down the stairs into the kitchen.
"How's Harry," Molly asked quickly.
"He's back with his aunt and uncle," Dumbledore said and sat down at the head of the table. The chair that Sirius had occupied many times. Dumbledore went over many of his theories. Then he wanted to talk about assignments for the people in the room. Mad-Eye was to keep an eye out. Arthur was to watch out for anything unnerving at the Ministry along with Kingsley. And he had something very dangerous for Remus.
"Remus," he started slowly, "I would like it if you would go undercover with the werewolves and see where their loyalties lie."
Tonks couldn't keep quiet. "We know where they lie. If they discover who Remus is he'll be killed."
The entire room looked at the young witch as she stood their anger coming off of her.
"Nymphadora," Dumbledore started.
"Don't call me 'Nymphadora,'" she mumbled under her breath.
"I will be in constant communication with Remus and I assure you that we will keep him safe," he finished.
"You can't assure anything," she almost shouted.
"Tonks," Molly said taking the girl's arm.
"No," Tonks said pulling away. "I'm not a student anymore. He'll be killed. You're willing to risk him when we already know that the werewolves will only ever look out for themselves and they believe that Voldemort will give them a better life." The young woman was boiling at this point. She wanted to make something explode in the house. And she mostly wanted it to be the tea cup that Dumbledore was drinking from.
"Tonks," she heard Remus' voice softly behind her. "May I speak with you?"
Remus didn't wait for an answer. He took her arm and pulled her from the room. Tonks didn't fight it she thought that maybe she could make him see reason on this topic.
"Please don't agree to this," she started as soon as the kitchen had been shut. "You don't have to. He can't force you."
Remus took her hands in his. "Dora," he started, "I know I do not have to go, but I'm going to."
"Why," she looked as though she was going to cry.
"I have to protect our world," Remus said. "If I can do something small I must. And this may help protect you…" he trailed off.
Tonks finally looked up at him. There was something in his eyes that made Tonks move to wrap her arms around his torso.
"Dora," he said again, "I ended our relationship months ago because I felt as though I couldn't keep you safe. This way I may be able to. I have to do something to protect you. If this is it then I will go."
Remus took Tonks' face in his hands and brought it up so her lips met his. They didn't let themselves get lost within each other, but they stood there with their lips barely touching for several minutes before they separated. Remus didn't let her go and rested his forehead on hers. Tonks reached her arms around him and pulled him into an embrace.
"I love you," she heard Remus say ever so softly into her neck. She pulled him closer.
Tonks pulled away from him and looked him in the eye. "You know I love you too," she said caressing his face. "Please, just be careful. Check in every once in a while. Tell me that you're okay. If you want to keep me safe. You need to keep me sane. Promise me."
"I promise," Remus said running his hands through her hair. "We should go back into the meeting."
"I made such a fool of myself," Tonks said putting her head in her hands.
Remus chuckled and hugged her again. "Every one of them knows why you are so protective. I greatly appreciate you trying to make sure that I am not put in harm's way."
Tonks hit Remus playfully on the arm. Remus took her hand and they walked back into the kitchen together. No one seemed to notice how they had walked in or they chose not to show that they saw their hands together.
"Dumbledore," Remus started, "I am willing to go live with the werewolves."
"I will leave the information with you when I depart," Dumbledore informed him.
The meeting went on a while longer. "Tonks," Dumbledore started again. "You will be stationed in Hogsmede to ensure the safety of Harry and the other students at the school. As well as the Hogsmede occupants."
Tonks simply nodded her head. At least she would be going somewhere that was familiar to her. She had spent a lot of time in Hogsmede during her school years. And often went back to reminisce. She'd be near people that she knew. But she was going to be worlds away from Remus and probably not get to see him in the coming months.
Dumbledore had indeed left the information with Remus when he departed 12 Grimmauld Place that night. Remus was to depart in two days to the Scottish countryside where, word was, the werewolves were living at the time. Remus wasn't going to admit it, but it was rather frightful having to go off and live with werewolves. Especially since he may see the one that attacked him as a boy. He hadn't come in contact with Fenrir Greyback since that night.
But he didn't have time to fret over what may happen once he was within the ranks of the werewolves. He had to prepare to leave and make sure that no one knew that he was there as a spy for The Order of the Phoenix.
Remus sat in his room preparing himself to head off to the werewolves. He heard Tonks whispering to Molly near his door.
Molly had been spending much time at 12 Grimmauld Place. Remus would hear her and Sirius speaking of him when they thought he wasn't around. His wolf like hearing often made it easier for Remus to hear things that were going on through the house without anyone knowing he was listening. Though he didn't often use this ability because he didn't want to eavesdrop on his friends.
Remus had been sitting in front of a fire inside of his bedroom more often than not after Tonks had stopped coming around the house aside from Order meetings. It was easier to be alone when he was able to shut out other people. Molly Weasley, however; didn't like that he was doing this to himself and would often insist on speaking to him even if he didn't want to.
Molly knocked on Remus' bedroom door and insisted that she be allowed to come in. So Remus did as she wished and let her into his bedroom. They both sat in silence in the chairs near the window for a while.
"Remus," Molly finally said. "It had only been a few weeks. I know you both are hurting, but we…"
"Molly," Remus started, "I don't want to talk about it. I'm not going to talk about it. She's gone and there's really nothing left to do about it at all. There's no point in bringing it up every few days."
"So sorry, dear," Molly said. "I don't know the entirety of your relationship, Remus, but I do know that we all must stay focused." After several moments of Remus not responding to her Molly turned to leave the room. "I shall leave you."
Molly started out of the room before Remus said something. "I do love her," he spat out unexpectedly. He didn't know what he said until after he had heard it come out of his mouth and saw Molly's reaction. She had stopped dead in her tracks and turned to look at him.
Molly walked over to him and took his hand. "Then tell her that," she told him. "You're being far too stubborn on this matter. We all know that things in our world are going to get far worse before they get any better. You may as well let yourself be a little happy while you can. That girl loves you more than you could possibly know. Let her."
It was the day before Remus was to depart for the northern part of Scotland. Tonks was busily working around her flat trying to pack her own things since she would be relocating to Hogsmede in a matter of weeks. She heard a knock on her door and hurriedly walked over and opened it to find Remus standing there.
"Remus," she said very surprised. "What are you doing here?"
"Honestly, I don't know," he said looking past her. "Packing for your move to Hogsmede?"
Tonks turned around and walked into her flat followed closely by Remus. "Oh, yes," she said closing a trunk that was sitting on her kitchen table. "Dumbledore has me relocating in a few weeks. Have to be settled before the students come back to the school. I suppose you don't need much to go live with the werewolves?"
"Not really," Remus said as he walked around her flat. He had never been there before and it looked awfully like her. There were rock band posters on the walls and a bit of a mess in the kitchen sink. She had trunks of clothes piling up near the window. Many books in piles near an empty trunk. On top he saw she had planned to pack the first part of Anna Karenina and smiled. He picked up the book and flipped through the first few pages noticing that she had marked it after chapter one.
Tonks had turned to watch him. "Thought I might read it on my own," she told him. "Though I could only find one part of it. Suppose I'll find the others. Eventually," she said putting a towel into a drawer in her kitchenette. "Remus, why are you here?"
Remus didn't say anything as he walked over to her. "I wanted to see you before I left. I probably won't be able to communicate with you after I'm gone."
"Not that we're communicating very well now," she said bitterly. "But I suspect you're right. You'll only be able to communicate with Dumbledore I suppose. But I am glad to see you before you're off."
Tonks sat down at her kitchen table and moved a few things so there was space. With a flick of her wand she put the kettle on. Remus walked over and sat in the other chair. That sat in silence as the kettle warmed and the tea was poured for them. As Tonks sipped her tea she kept stealing glances at Remus who looked a little bewildered to be sitting there with her.
"Sorry," she said, "it's such a mess in here. Have been packing all day and it's difficult to pack when as you use magic andnothing wants to be organized." Remus laughed. He loved that Tonks was always a little scattered.
"Understandable," Remus said. "I just wanted to come by and say goodbye to you. Figured you deserved it."
"I do," she told him. "You're basically going off to get yourself killed."
"Cheery," he said trying to make her laugh. "You know why I'm doing this?"
"You say it's because you want to protect me; to protect our world, but," she started, "I believe you're doing it because you believe you deserve going off to live with other werewolves. Just because you are one. Even though you're not like the others. You're still a kind man and you've managed a way around hurting people during your transformations. You're not as the others, Remus, you're much better. I wish you could see it."
Tonks was correct in her thinking. Remus wanted to know for sure if he was doing the right thing, though he didn't realize it himself.
Remus sat and drained his tea cup as Tonks spoke.
"At least I can do something for The Order," he told her. "Maybe this will make this feeling go away."
"Sirius," Tonks asked him. Remus only nodded. "I don't completely understand how you are feeling after his death, but I know it can't be easy. All of your closest friends are gone."
"When James and Lily died and Sirius went to Azkaban for it, it all felt different," Remus said getting up to wonder the flat. "There was this feeling of hope that I may see Sirius again. I believed he was guilty until Harry saw Pettigrew's name on the map. Then it all came back. At some level I knew that Sirius couldn't have betrayed James and Lily. He loved James too much to do so. He wasn't capable of that type of betrayal. Now, it all feels very empty. I feel as I did as a child during my first transformation."
Tonks stood and walked over to Remus putting her hand on his back to comfort him. "I can't imagine how you must be feeling. And I know you feel as though you have to do this; that you feel like it will avenge Sirius' death. Please, just be careful. Keep your mind off of things of a personal nature. You can't be distracted."
Remus turned and wrapped his arms around Tonks' slender body. Tonks reciprocated the embrace and held him as tightly as she possibly could. Tonks finally released him and stepped back. "You should go. You must leave in a few hours," she told him. "Please be careful whilst you're gone."
"I will," he told her walking over to grab the cloak he had left near the door of her flat. "I will write when I am able," he said as she opened the door for him.
"Please," she responded. "I'll be in Hogsmede." Neither spoke as Remus stood in the doorway of her flat facing the outer corridor. "Remus," she said making him turn around to face her. She wanted to tell him that she loved him, but she couldn't get the words out of her mouth another time. This was feeling very much like the end of something. She could very well never see Remus again.
"Yes," he said looking into her eyes. The eyes that used to be a vibrant shade of violet, but were now dull and plain. She didn't say anything though. They both stood staring at each other silent.
Finally Tonks moved to kiss him, but at the last minute decided to kiss only his cheek. "Be safe," she said to him.
"You too," he replied.
Remus could see that Tonks wanted to kiss him, but he didn't do anything about it. He didn't let it show that he was disappointed that she hadn't. Instead he forced a smile at her and nodded his head. He Disapparated leaving Tonks standing there alone as tears silently fell from her eyes.
A/N: I'm sorry this chapter took a little longer to publish. I have been having a very hard time personally and the end of my schooling is fast approaching so I couldn't seem to write anything all week. But I hope you enjoyed this chapter. During the last bit I was having a hard time figuring out what I wanted to do because my writer brain was telling me to leave it unresolved and my fangirl brain was telling me to let them have one last night together.
So if you enjoyed this chapter please let me know by following, favoriting, and/or reviewing. Also feel free to follow me on social media. Twitter: /QueerAsColiver. Instagram: /fangirl_extraordinaire. Tumblr: queer-as-coliver. Also please asked for a follow back I love meeting new people.
XOXO
Taylor