Dexter's Empire

Chapter 10

"Lt. Hit-Man's Log, Stardate 49024... no... wait...

WHAT THE KRIFF?"

On the bridge of the Galaxy-class USS Enterprise, Picard watched unmovingly as text began to scroll on the main viewscreen.

"In a galaxy very, very, very, very far...

If you can read this, you don't need glasses."

The viewscreen flashed brightly, revealing a thirty-two foot long ship cruising along. Data looked up at the ship, and promptly said, "Captain, it appears to be a 1987 Winnebago motorhome. With wings. And rocket engines." The HoloSpock promptly comments. "That is most illogical, Mr. Data."

The bridge viewscreen flashes again, this time revealing a... human face. Pressed against it. After several seconds of making gasping sounds, it spoke. "Picard, I need your help!"

"What now, Q?"

"Well, actually..." Q materializes on the bridge, and points out of the viewport. "they need your help."

Picard looks at the screen, seeing a large, ugly-looking ship heading straight for them. "What, that ugly ship?"

"No, mon captaine, that."

Picard looks again, this time seeing the large, ugly ship several kilometers closer. "What? What do you mean?"

Finally, Q snaps his fingers in desperation, and points again. "THAT."

"What? All I see is a big green ship."

"Mon captaine, will you please look off to the side?"

Picard complies, and turns his head, then turns it back just as quickly as a ten-foot-tall, green-glowing chicken walks out of the turbolift, a woman with a whip riding it. "Giddap, slave!"

Picard, exasperated, turns his back to Q, and drops his pajamas. "NO! Mon captaine, NO!"

In a flash, the captain puts his pants back on. "What, Q? Did I offend you?"

Several hundred thousand kilometers away...

A seventeen-kilometer long, dagger-shaped ship drifted through space, apparently derelict. Admiral Sheppard slowly looked up from his command chair on the bridge. "Ensign Jimmy, how's the repair job coming?

The older ensign checked his datapad. "All pretty well. Ensign Chris O'Farrell cleaned most of the hull as per El Tee's orders, but then he left for some reason." Sheppard looked up with interest, and the ensign continued. "We're still having problems cleaning the graffiti off of the bridge viewports, but apparently Cock Rocket never realized that we have a backup viewscreen."

As soon as Jim finished saying that, the comm buzzed. "This is Gunnery Commander Kynes. Sheppard, I've got some news for you, but first you should take a look at the Death Star."

Sheppard swiveled rapidly in his chair. "Lieutenant, put the Death Star on screen."

There was a moment of static as the camera focused, then cleared. Sheppard gasped at the sight. "What the kriff are they doing? Comm, patch me through to Darth Vader."

"Bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep..." The sound of a busy signal permeated the bridge. Finally, it rang. "Buzz... We're sorry, the number you have called has been disconnected. Please check your number and try to call again."

Sheppard brought his fist down in frustration, managing to hit an errant mynock in the process. "Then get me Moff Jerjerrod."

Sounds of a choking person were heard over the intercom. "Jerjerrod? Exactly what is going on over there? Jerjerrod? MOFF! Comm, get me a visual." The holographic viewscreen reappeared, and it showed the prostrate form of Moff Jerjerrod, with Darth Vader standing over him, and wearing a thin, black silk shirt with red flowers on it underneath his cape.

"Apology accepted, Moff Jerjerrod."

Sheppard turned his attention to Vader. "Vader, what is the meaning of this?"

Vader turned around, a half-eaten Tribbleburger in one hand, the other hand holding a set of Ewok Fries. "Yes, Admiral?" Sheppard looked at him for a minute, and Vader returned the favor. Finally, the video cut off abruptly, and the view changed to the outside of the Death Star. A horde of construction droids were swarming over it, fitting it with mirror panels.

Finally, Sheppard spoke again. "Ok Kynes, you were saying?"

"Um, sir, um... well here's Threepio. He'll tell you."

The viewscreen switched to an internal view of the Falcon, with a large furry arm shoving the golden protocol droid forward. "B-b-b-but Sir!"

"Just say it, Goldenrod!"

"Uh... Greetings, Admiral Sheppard. I am See- Threepio, human-"

"Just get to the point."

"Um... yes, as I was saying, it would appear that the Death Star is being turned into a mirrored ball."

As Sheppard stared at the Death Star, the final mirror panel was put into place, and Disco Inferno began blaring over all of the subspace frequencies. Finally, he realized what Vader was doing. The Death Star now became an even deadlier weapon, with the power to incapacitate ships anytime, anywhere.

Back on the Enterprise-D, Q suddenly snapped his fingers as the disco began blaring over the Galaxy-class ship's comm system. In an instant, the entire bridge crew was dressed in silk shirts. Q stood up, dressed in a flared suit, and began to disco.

Data was the last one to start. He hit the comm quickly, and called Starfleet HQ. "Admiral Jellico, we've got an interesting thing happening here."

The Admiral slowly started to dance. "I can hear it. All ships, prepare to strut on my command."

On board the Spaceball 1, Dark Helmet was attempting to resist the urge to disco. "Must... resist... must... leave..."

Just at that moment, the DeLorean went flying past at a high speed, and Sandurz, seeing it, shouted. "Princess Vespa's car -I mean ship- is almost in range."

Helmet looked out at the approaching car. "Good. Fire a warning shot across her nose."

In the DeLorean, Doc cranked the wheel hard as several laser blasts streaked by. Jennifer, in the back seat, began to panic. "What was that?"

Doc crisply responded. "You just worry about the flux capacitor, Princess."

"Since when did Jennifer become a princess?" Marty turned his head around to look at Jennifer, and did a double-take as he saw her dressed in a flowing white robe.

"I don't know, Marty. OH!" The car rocked from another blast, and she was thrown backwards.

On a Borg Cube that somehow appeared nearby, the Borg Queen stood looking at the battle. "Careful, you idiot, I said ACROSS her nose, not up it!"

Drone 3 of 5 looked back at her. "I believe that you used the wrong line."

"Of course I used the wrong line! That's supposed to be funny!"

Across the chamber on the Borg ship, a drone formerly known as Lt. Saavik stood motionless, her Borg implants keeping her from moving. "Humor. A difficult concept."

On the Death Star, Darth Vader looked with indiscernible amusement at the wacky space battle. Suddenly, a hologram of Dark Helmet appeared in front of him. The two stood there, just looking at each other for many minutes.

"You-"

"What?"

"Huh?"

"Impostor!"

"Impostor!"

"What?"

"Huh?"

"I was first, impostor!"

"In the Imperial Navy, you would call me Idiot. I mean- you know what I mean."

"I do?"

"Yes!"

Vader tries to choke Dark Helmet, just as Dark Helmet tries to fire his green ray at Vader.

"Come on, you're supposed to collapse!"

"Well so are you!"

"You first!"

"No, you!"

"I insist. I'm supposed to collapse."

"Well so am I."

"Go on, collapse!"

"No, you first!"

Finally, the two give up. The hologram of Helmet walks over, and shakes hands with Vader. Vader jumps back, grasping his hand, just as Helmet (rolling in laughter) vanishes. Finally, Darth Vader opens his hand, to reveal an Acme Model 14S Palm Buzzer.