Chapter 10 - The Truths We Learn To Believe

Yvaine

I paced outside my house, armed with a flask of potion that I had taken back home. My group slowly filtered around me. Sebastian was the first to arrive, his eyes alert and his hair windblown from sprinting from the Chantry. Merrill and Aveline arrived soon after and Varric was the last, a little puffed from the swift walk.

Isabela stated, "The meeting is going to be slightly beyond the borders of the city. It's just past Darktown." Then she asked me, "What is that thing in your hand?"

I shrugged, "Anders' potion. I don't know if it'll come in handy but I'll use it if I need to."

We began the long trek towards Darktown, taking multiple shortcuts to make better time. The back alleys were quiet that night, no thugs or thieves to speak of. I was thankful. The frantic feeling was rising into my throat, I felt physically sick and I could taste bile at the back of my throat. I felt so nervous, my heart beating loudly in my ears until my entire face felt overly warm. The adrenaline pumped in my veins. I felt so awake that my mind spun a little.

"What should we expect?" asked Sebastian, his brows drawn together.

"I'm not sure. Lots of Tevinter mages, I suspect," answered Isabela.

"Will there be blood magic and spirits?" asked Merrill, her tone and attitude almost totally unaffected by Anders' kidnapping. I heard the hum of power that issued from Fenris when she spoke, his hatred almost tinging the air with a scent, like lyrium burning, metallic and coarse.

Varric put a hand on Merrill's shoulder, casting Fenris a warning look, "Don't worry, Daisy. I'm sure we're going to be fine."

We trudged downhill, where at its base was a tiny firelight. A group of men circled about, each holding mages. In the darkness, I stopped walking and the others paused behind me. I whispered, "Sebastian, Isabela, Varric, scout the area. Be careful. Come back and tell me numbers and if you know where Anders is being kept."

We stayed partly up the hill, pacing back and forth as the three of them slinked into the darkness, utterly hidden by trees. I saw no shadows. Everything was quiet. I watched the group of Tevinter mages below us, watching as they paced. I was close enough to hear snippets of the conversation.

"Are you sure this isn't just some ruse? It didn't come from Xenon's urchin."

"The second message was from Xenon's urchin. It said that this was a legitimate arrangement."

"I don't like this. And they are late. Not to mention, what can that Hawke woman do that we can't. She's just some Deep Roads explorer. What magic could she wield?"

"Her wealth buys her position but she hides more than we know. There are secrets behind the woman's façade."

I whispered as the breeze shifted, flipping my curls haphazardly around my face, "A woman's heart is a sea of secrets, friend."

I heard shifting to my right and turned to stare in that direction. As I squinted, I saw three shadows and smiled, "News?" I asked.

Isabela told me, "Twenty mages. Two warriors guarding Anders."

Varric scoffed, "You neglect to mention that they've kept him in a cage, Rivaini. There are a few talking about trading Blondie when Hawke delivers the secret of eternal grace and youth."

Sebastian nodded, "Anders is being kept a little way from the camp. If we separate the group, we can do much more."

I told the three rogues, "You deal with the guards, protect Anders and keep someone with Anders and out of the way. Make sure he doesn't see the violence. The remaining two, attack and flank from behind when I give the signal. I will lift the bottle of potion in the air. I would suggest Sebastian and Varric. You can do a lot more damage without getting into the fray. Isabela, do you mind?"

She shook her head.

I turned to Fenris and Aveline, "You two will have to stay in front of me. Keep them away from me and Merrill. Merrill?"

"Yes, what can I do? Tell me what I can do." She stepped forward, enthusiastically taking out her knife.

I flinched, wincing at what she was prepared to do. I pushed it away and told her, "Keep your Rock Armour on and cast Arlathan's Grace. That will keep you healed up and capable to throwing spells around. Use as necessary. Don't use blood magic unless the situation is utterly dire."

I nodded towards the three rogues and once more, they disappeared into the shadows. We waited a few minutes, hoping to stall as long as possible so that the rogues had time to kill the guards and unlock Anders. After that, I walked down with Fenris and Aveline in front as our bodyguards and Merrill behind me. We slowly strode into the campsite.

An old Tevinter magister greeted us, "Friends!" he cried out sincerely though I doubted how kind he truly was. Fenris began to glow just at the sight of his robes and sensing trouble, I briefly caught his hand when I passed him. I tucked a piece of hair behind my ear, "Save it. Let's get down to business. I want the boy and you get the secrets in return."

One by one, Tevinter mages surrounded us. Each slithered from behind trees and bush, behind large boulders and rocks, trying to surround and flank us. I rolled my eyes at their attempts. It would not save them. The magister was older, bearded and wrinkled. There was dryness about his skin that came from excess use of blood magic. I was certain that he was not as old as he appeared.

"Very well," the magister said, "the secrets?"

I laughed, a harsh and cruel laugh that sounded strange even to my own ears. I sneered, "The boy?"

The Tevinter mages began to step closer, threateningly trying to lock the space between them and us. One of them sneered, "Secrets first."

I smiled, full of knowing. In the trees behind the magister, I could clearly see the outline of Bianca, readied in the air. I stated, "I can do you one better," and lifted the bottle of purple potion up in the air. The magister lost focus. The mages lost focus. Sebastian and Varric's bolts and arrows were flung into the campsite. The magister was the first to fall.

Fenris shoved his hand into someone's chest cavity. Aveline sliced her sword through the air as she bellowed loudly. I called for my elemental spells first, casting firestorms from the skies and then alternating into cones of cold.

Pull of the abyss to create a torpedo in the campsite. It drew enemies in, making them fall off balance. Crushing prison to trap a few mages inside a cage so that they were distracted, unable to attack us. Merrill cast spirit bolt, slamming energy forces into a man, causing him to scream as his ribs slowly broke from within from the impact. Chain lightening was the last, frying the nerves of all the men in the general area that dared to harm my Anders.

Spells and curses were cast back, ice cutting at our skin, a stonefist hit the side of my leg, cracking my shin bone. I stumbled as the last few mages fell but I lost focus, I didn't see the Tevinter curse that was aimed at me. A large black flower, its petals healthy but tainted by darkness hung into the air and as that mage fell down, it projected to my arm. It sizzled my skin, tore it to pieces. The pain swung through my body. Not just onto my arm but everywhere. It was like explosion from within, each of my organs pulling apart until I fell against the ground.

I lost my breath and my head hit the grass. I rolled onto my side as I grabbed onto my right arm, the burn too much to bear. In the background, I heard Fenris growl at Merrill, "What happened to her?"

"A blood curse, the Artehilien." Merrill squeaked out as she ripped the sleeve from my arm.

Fenris sucked breath, "The Dark Lily, it will mar her flesh forever."

"I don't care," I wheezed out, "Just make the pain stop. Make it go away."

"What's happening to her?" asked a little voice, shy and timid. I opened my eyes to see Anders hiding behind Isabela's leg. I smiled to myself, he was safe. I gave into the pain, letting darkness take me.

Isabela

I didn't follow her instructions. I let Anders watch the violence. First off, he wouldn't let me cover his eyes. He wanted to watch. The boy really needed to make up his mind. Secondly, I don't know, maybe it wasn't such a bad idea. This was who Hawke really was, a fighter, a protector. He needed to know. To understand.

I wasn't about to tell Anders that Hawke loved him. I love my own skin too much. Hawke would throw a fireball in my direction and generally, she has good aim. I wouldn't risk it. That didn't mean that Hawke was right in leaving Anders ignorant of the truth.

I could tell he was still afraid. He hid behind my legs as we watched Hawke roll about on the floor, a dark patch of black singeing her right, upper arm. It could pass as a tattoo, it was shaped like a flower. It wasn't just her flesh being torn out, it was more like a burn, an imprint, five distinct petals shaped in her skin. There were gradients of colour, dark black around the edges but greys and other tones of darkness around the center. It did truly look like a tattoo, albeit a frightfully black one.

The problem was – she was dying. As she fell unconscious, Sebastian had poured a healing potion in to her mouth but even in sleep, she whimpered in pain and her arm refused to close. The wound was ripping into her skin. Merrill stuttered out, "You need blood magic to heal the wound."

I think everyone forgot about how bad blood magic was. Everyone was too worried about Hawke. We all screamed at her varying versions of, "Do it!" and "Save her!"

Merrill whispered her elvhen words, her voice chanting out some kind of story, I imagine. As her voice reached its peak in volume, she sliced her hand and pressed the cut against Hawke's wound. She continued to chant, spitting out broken syllables as her forehead broke out in sweat. It was taking a lot out of her. We watched with bated breath as Merrill eventually lifted her hand, the blood split on Hawke's skin was slowly absorbing into her arm. Little by little, the black on her arm became a rosy tinge like a lily, a firelily, the ones Orlais used to celebrate a new year.

Merrill bit out before she too passed out, "It worked."

Varric carried Merrill, sweeping her into his hairy, masculine and thick arms. He shook his head, partly exasperated and partly in relief. I gave Fenris a meaningful glance and he slid his arms beneath Hawke's neck and knees, her injured arm lying limp and swaying about in the air.

Anders stared at the blotched skin, unable to comprehend what had really happened. For Hawke, I thought, I had to explain it all to Anders. For Hawke.

Everyone separated once we reached Kirkwall city, each going off into their own direction. Fenris and I, along to Anders went back to Hawke Estate. Oranna helped bathe Anders and Hawke separately as Fenris and I paced in the library. Fenris snarled at me, "This is the abomination's fault."

I rolled my eyes, "What's done is done. Stop brooding and help me work out a way to solve the situation. Anders is still scared."

"What were you thinking, letting him watch the fight?" he punched the wall fiercely but the marble did not dent, unlike his gauntlets.

"He needed to see what Hawke was willing to do for him," I answered simply.

Oranna disrupted Fenris' next scathing remark, by telling us, "Mistress Hawke is in bed and dressed. Little Anders is also clean, if you wish to speak with him."

I warned Fenris, "You be civil, Serah. I am not going to do this if with you threatening him."

Fenris growled in insult but nodded anyway. Together, we went up to see Hawke and Anders. The little boy was sitting in Hawke's chair and I could see the confusion and conflict in his eyes. He wanted to go to her but he was also too frightened to do so.

I sat at the edge of Hawke's bed, facing Anders and told him, "Do you think that Hawke is a bad person still?"

Anders shook his head with some reluctance and I told him, "She's a good person."

He whispered brokenly, "She told me that hurting other people is bad."

I nodded, "That's true but Hawke doesn't do that."

"Yvaine doesn't?"

I shook my head as Fenris growled out, "She protects people. She defends. She is like an angel who defeats the evil men to save good people, families, children like you. Can you understand that?"

Anders stared at his knees, his bottom lip jutting out, "That's what she was doing, wasn't she? She was trying to protect me?"

We nodded at her gravely, hoping he understood the gravity of the situation. Fenris snarled, "It is because of you that she has that scar on her arm. If you did not run, she wouldn't be like this."

Anders cried, tears falling onto his hands that had bunched into fists on his lap. I shot Fenris a death glare until he relented, staring back into the fire that burned in Hawke's bedroom. The little boy sniffled, wiping the back of his hand against his face.

I told him, "You don't need to believe us straight away. You should consider it for yourself but you need to know that she won't hurt you. I think she would really like it if you slept beside her."

We watched as he crawled into bed beside her, his fingers gently probing the flower that was etched into her skin. He kissed it gently before closing his eyes and I drew the blankets over him.

I took Fenris by the hand, pulling him away from the fireplace. He stared at Hawke's pale face and brushed his lips against hers with aching gentleness. My throat tightened, he never looked at me like that. He was rough, hard, always pulling off my clothes without care or kindness.

Fenris was particularly rough that night. He barely undressed me, pulling aside my underthings before thrusting deep inside me. He was venting his fear, his worries over Hawke on me. His hands gripped my hips tight enough to make me wince but I enjoyed it. His armoured torso bit into my skin but I revelled in it. His teeth nibbled and dented deeply into my neck and shoulders but I moaned from the sensation. I wrapped my legs around him and pulled him in closer for more. However, when he rolled over me, spent and exhausted, I wanted more. I found pleasure in his rough taking but a part of me wanted that something that Hawke tended to encourage from men – love.

Yvaine

Vivid, bright colours filled my dreams. It was just a swirl of colour that refused to abate. I found myself walking in halls of colour, nothing was real, nothing was solid, everything around me shifted and played until I felt dizzy and sick.

I woke with the bright light piercing my eyes, my exhaustion not quite wearing off. It was almost afternoon. I groaned out loud, throwing the blankets over my head but I couldn't fall asleep. I slid from the bed to walk to the reflecting glass. I stared at myself, pale but alive. I looked at my arm where a flower was adorned. It was bright red, the colour of ruby roses but it was in the shape of a firelily, bold and vibrant. I touched the skin, it barely stung. It was healed over thanks to Merrill. I would have to thank her later. I never planned to mark my skin with a tattoo but knowing where it came from, knowing how I got it, I knew I could learn to love it. Then it hit me.

Anders.

I rushed out of the bedroom but the scene I found shocked me. Oranna was carrying a tray, heavily loaded with different plates of food and drink. Anders was strolling up beside her, telling her, "She likes breakfast."

When he reached the top of the stairs, he looked at me shyly and then told me in an adult, no nonsense tone, "You should be in bed."

He came at me, pushing my legs towards the direction of the bedroom. I complied, unsure what to expect but pleased by his attitude. He seemed warmer, more accepting. As I sat in bed, Oranna placed the tray down at the foot of it. Anders sat beside me, crossing his legs. He murmured, eyeing the food, "I thought you might want to eat. I told Oranna to cook."

I said sedately, "Thank you, Anders."

We lapsed into silence, no one reaching for the food. I had to ask, it was on the tip of my tongue and it spilled out, "Do you… Are you still upset with me?"

Anders shook his head, "I didn't know about you. 'Bela told me that you only hurt people when you have to. It doesn't matter. You won't hurt me."

He reached for a cookie and hesitantly passed it to me. I took a small bite and chewed. He continued to explain, "I'm sorry I ran away. I was scared."

"I know," I said, "I understand."

Anders sniffled as he stood up and stared into my eyes. Honeyed brown against my own. He murmured, "Do you hate me?"

I shook my head, "I love you, Anders."

He began to cry and he hugged me close, wrapping his arms around my neck. He asked, "You've got a thing on your arm."

I pulled backwards to kiss his head. I pointed at it, "It isn't so bad. At least it is shaped like a flower."

He kissed it, the way a parent does when they see their child hurt. The way my father kissed my knees when I skinned it falling down. Anders mumbled out, "I love you, Yvaine."

"I love you, too."

9:35, 25th Guardian

Dear Anders,

I'm not entirely sure what Isabela said to you but I owe her drinks at the Hanged Man. Somehow, she seemed to make you understand. I'll ask her later, maybe. I guess it doesn't matter. I just want to make you happy before you turn back into a man.

Imagine my relief to know you still love me. You understand. It was more than I really dared to hope. I only wanted you safe but you're happy. You're happy and you feel safe with me. We slept some more after breakfast, too tired for any activity. You managed to sleep without any nightmares.

You're better now than before. More secure in your own skin. It's nice to see.

Being a child, even a child as complicated as yourself, it must be simple. Simpler than being an adult. A child either likes or dislikes, being trusts or distrusts. Once a firm conclusion is made, it seems pointless to argue with it. You have forgiven me or you truly believe I mean you no harm. There are no grey areas. It's not so surprising that part of me wishes that you'll never grow up, just so I can always have your love.

Love,
Yvaine

A/N: Sorry, this update took so long. I've had a lot of assignments happening but on a good note, I got some back and I did well! Yay! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading and as always, please read and review.

Love, Ann