Chapter Nine: The Past Best Left Forgotten, Part 3

(6 years prior)

I stayed there in my room on my bed long after the light from the fire left the walls and the papers had been reduced to ash. I had lost. Slowly, tiredly, I dragged the trash can to the window and dumped the ashes out into the sky, watching the wind take my life's work for the past three years far away from here. Once they were all gone, I painfully pulled myself away from the window, hating the fact I could see them now even outside of my dreams. Every night, every single Goshdang night, they would visit me with accusations in their eyes, accusations that would only get worse when they learned of my betrayal.

I had to talk to Matt. Like me, he was visited by the demons of his past. That was why he smoked and played video games on a constant basis, to escape the demons, to escape reality, to escape what he couldn't live with for ever single dang second of the fricking day. We would hide out somewhere, away from the others, and share what we would dream about. I dreamt of my family, the blood-related and the adopted. He dreamt of his mother. We were both lost in the pain and suffering of our pasts. At least this way, we suffered together. Together. As in not alone.

And Matt, faithful little puppy that he was, was waiting for me on a couple of little kid chairs with a large bowl of ice cream. He surrendered it and a spoon to me and sat down. He dug around in his pocket for a cigarette, unable to talk about this without one, clamped it between his teeth and held out his hand. Chagrined, I slapped the lighter in his hand and watched him light his cigarette. Normal rules didn't apply to us when we did this, so he'd have a smoke while we spoke to help with the pain. He waited patiently for me to begin.

"They visited me in my room today. They wanted to know why I burned my work when I was so close to a breakthrough. I told them the truth, Matty. I told 'em I couldn't live my life in a fog anymore. I almost lost Near through my uninvolvement in life, and I wasn't going to do it again. I had to choose between them and me, and fool that I was, I chose life." I swallowed hard, tears in my eyes. "God, Matty, I'm a failure," I said, leaning my head against his shoulder.

"You're not a failure, Sherlock," he promised me, "You're try to do the best you can with the cards you've been dealt." He paused now, shifting gears. "I still see her sometimes too. I would swear I saw her somewhere, but she isn't. Occasionally, it'll be someone else who looks like her, but more often than not, no one's really there. It'll just be me, lost, alone, afraid, and with no one to turn to."

"Matty!" Mello ran out and hugged him tightly in a rare display of affection. Near and Ivy, who must've been close behind him, stopped at my side, watching the pair warily. The blond glared at me through his bangs and put his hands on his hips. "What did you do to him?" he demanded, blue eyes blazing.

"Me?!? I didn't do anything!"

"You two have been seeing each other, haven't you?"

"Hell no! We've been having share sessions; our theme for each one is 'The Past of People Who've Died And Come Back To Haunt Our Dreams Every Single Effing Night And Oftentimes During The Day Too'!"

"Yeah, seriously Mells, it's all we've been doing," Matt added hastily.

"BS," Mello declared, gripping Matt's arm tightly enough to turn his knuckles white.

"Mello, when was the last time I ever lied to you?"

"Last week when I asked if I beat Near on the Advanced Biochemistry test, and you said 'yes', but I really hadn't."

"I was telling you what you wanted to hear! Okay, I may stretch the truth a little when you want me to, but I don't and would never do it on the big things, and I'm not lying now. Not to you." Matt hung his head, looking like a dejected puppy who'd been spanked for saving someone's life.

"Matty," he whispered and jerked Matt into a quick first kiss. Matt had an amazed expression on his face, but it wasn't an Oh-my-God-I-can't-believe-you-just-did-that look; it was an I-can't-believe-you-just-did-that-but-could-you-please-do-it-again? look. "You're not the only one with a past they'd rather leave behind them."

I snorted. "Really? And what is it that haunts the steps of the great Mello Keehl? Is it someone you loved, like Matt here, or are you like me and haunted by the people who'd inadvertently lost their lives because of you?"

I didn't' see Mello's fist connect with my face, but I certainly felt it. To my credit, I didn't make a sound when his fist hit me, but it was a very close thing. Gingerly, I reached up to inspect my nose by touch. My hand came away red with blood. My blood. At this point, Near and Ivy desperately clinging to my arms were the only things standing between Mello and a broken nose.

"You think you killed your loved ones? Were you the one pulling the trigger then? Were you?!?" he shouted, fists clenched. I shook my head, my body a mirror image of his. "Then you didn't kill them."

"BS! If it hadn't been for me, they wouldn't have been there when the bomb went off! I may not have pulled the trigger, but it's all my fault!"

His blue eyes hardened as his jaw stiffened. "You feel guilty about their deaths, don't you? Try watching your parents get gunned down in front of your eyes. Try reassuring your little brother that everything will be okay when you know it won't be because there's a gun up against his head with a man itching to pull the trigger behind it. Try living every day knowing you survived while the others didn't because the cops arrived in time to save you but too late to save anyone else. Then you can come back and tell me about guilt! Until then, get over yourself! They're dead and gone, and you're still here! That isn't going to change anytime soon; get used to it! Life isn't always just or fair!"

By this point, I was crying and shaking hard from the strain of resisting the urge to throw off my friends clinging to my arms and give Mello a good firm punch in the jaw. He didn't understand! He didn't understand a single thing about me! No one, not even Matt, knew the full story of my past. Suddenly, there was a broad black back standing in front of me protectively. "That's enough," BB said to Mello firmly, anger in his posture. He turned to me and gestured for Near and Ivy to release my arms. "You okay?" he asked me quietly, his red eyes full of concern, apologies, and the kicker, pity.

None of us saw it coming, not even me. Blood was dripping from BB's nose, there were splashes of blood on my knuckles, and everyone was staring at me in shock. I had screwed up yet again with great aplomb. I, Sherlock Shayne, had messed up big time. I threw myself away from them, unable to continue facing them after my latest mistake. I had punched Beyond Birthday in the face, hard, when he's only been trying to help me. I could hear the pursuit behind me, but it was far enough away for me to be able to lose them easily. It would have no effect upon my haphazard escape.

My room felt strangely quiet and empty without the paperwork from the case cluttering the room; it still smelled like smoke from the fire earlier. There was a quiet knock on my door, which I answered with a thrown book, His Dark Materials Trilogy by Phillip Pullman. I'd have to remember to lend the book to Mello at some point; it'd be fun to watch him squirm as he read it. "Go away, Near!" I shrieked as loudly as I could.

"Sherlock, may I come in?"

Oops. I guess I'd just shown L a little bit of my insanity gene, which may or may not run in the family. I opened the door to let in my mentor and hero. He came in and sat down on my bed, the bottom bunk, patting the space beside him. I closed the door and plopped down beside him. He put an arm around my shoulders comfortingly. "Now tell me why you decided not to solve cases anymore." I briefly summarized the events of the past couple of days for him, leaving out Matt and Mello's personal stories since they weren't mine to share. "I understand. No more cases for you."

I sniffed once. "I guess I should go apologize to everyone and say good-bye."

"What are you talking about?" L sounded somehow confused and slightly offended at the same time.

"I'm not a detective. I don't belong here anymore."

"This is your home. You belong here, even if you aren't doing any work."

"Stop acting like I'm fixable because I'm not! This is a permanent thing! Why don't you are about that?"

l smiled faintly as he got up and walked over to the door. "I do care, Sherlock. I care about you a lot. If I didn't care about you, then why would I have ever filed papers to legally adopt you?" My mouth fell open as he opened the door and said, "She's all yours," before leaving.

BB and Ivy came in first, sitting down on either side of me. Near was the last to come in, closing the door behind him. He, to my surprise, hopped up into my lap and snuggled against me. The other three of us blushed, but he didn't seem to notice or feel self-conscious. "Sorry, BB. Really. I didn't mean to-"

"It's fine, Sherlock. You weren't reacting on a conscious level when you punched me."

I shifted a little. "Do you know what L's doing now."

Ivy held out her hands for Beyond Birthday to pull her up. "I think he said you and Near had the rest of the day off, and he was going to have to talk to Mello and Matt. He also said something about maybe needing to have a gay talk with them?"

I giggled and waved to them. Mycroft came in with them when they opened the door to let themselves out. The dog whined at us, wanting to go outside. "Come on, I have a special place I want to show you," I whispered to him.

"No storms?" he asked, wanting verification.

"No storms," I confirmed, pulling him along behind me with Mycroft bounding ahead. The floppy-eared dog frolicked about in the open air, but much like his mistress, he was smart. He knew better than to stray too far. I led Near over to a spindly tree over to the side of a small pond and stopped at the base. "Near, promise me you won't ever show or tell anyone what I am about to show you."

"Promise."

"Good." I nodded, patting the tree affectionately. "This here is my tree. No one else knows how to climb it, not even Mello, the tree-climbing expert, and it isn't from lack of trying. But I've managed to memorize an exact pattern of branches that will lead you to the solve stable branch of the tree, the only one capable of supporting a girl and her enormous stack of papers for long periods of time with little risk of falling." I held out my hand to him," And I want to share it with you, if you trust me."

He placed his hand in mine. "With my life." Feeling high from the exhileration of knowing he trusted me, I carefully guided him up to my promised branch, the spindly thing beneath us bending slightly under our weight, but he didn't panic, showing complete faith in me. Once there, I place a sweet first kiss on his lips. "Okay, why'd you bring me up here if you only wanted to kiss?" he asked confusedly.

I smiled at his logic. "Because I wanted my very first kiss to be special."

Sorry for having so many problems with getting these up! My computer has not been all too spell-check compatible right now, so I've been sitting on a lot, plus I haven't been really motivated. I'm sorry. As consolation, I'm putting up two chapters right now. However, I will say I'm sitting on another four chapters, so...

Oh, and Mello and Sherlock still aren't out of the hospital yet. Just as well too. If she had any idea what I've been writing about her and Near (he got caught playing with a naked Barbie- long story that is fully explained, sort of, in chapter 13), I likely would not be here to put this up.

Until next time, please remember reviews help Sherlock and Mello heal (and help add to my not-deadness, btw)!