Here's my Christmas present to you guys. Merry Christmas! :D
(And if you're offended by the word Christmas, feel free to click the back button, whiner.)
After plowing through randomnly appearing Sharpclaw, monstrous hellknights, and solving pointless zelda style dundgeon puzzles involving torches, floating platforms, and dancing squirrels, Fox made it to a big room filled with lava that served no other purpose than to emphasize the fact that this was a FIRE TEMPLE! And the only thing moar pointless than that was that parts of the ring like platform in the room had been conveniently broken off, forcing Fox to go around to the other side in a complicated pattern.
"I CAN HAZ FOX!" cackled a lolbat, swooping down to bite Fox's ears.
"Screw it!" said Fox, running along the giant rubber ring.
His speed didn't do didley squat, however, as the bat simply hovered over Fox as if tied to him with a string.
"Owowowowowowowowowow. ow'd Fox as he tried to swat the flying pest off himself, but to no avail.
"THAT'S IT!" he shouted.
He turned around to grab the bat so he could snap its neck, empty his magnum into it, then throw it into the lava below, but as soon as his hand made contact with the thing, it vanished in a bright flash of light.
"How is that even possible?" asked Fox.
As if to answer him, Peppy's hologram appeared in front of him.
"Fox, I just figured out something: According to the ancient records of this planet, there's magic deep inside it."
"Now there are records of this planet? I thought it was previously undiscovered. What records are you reading from?" assked Fox.
"Well the title reads Starfox Adventures Script, but it seems to have been written with crayons, and I keep seeing triforce symbols scribbled all over it," replied Peppy.
That would explain the horrible zelda plot the game had, but if that jazz about magic was true, then it would also explain why some creatures disappeared in bright flashes everytime he killed them.
"It also says that the magic inside the planet continually pushes outward, attempting to rip the world apart," continued Peppy.
"Seriously? Dang, what does the ricter scale for this planet say?" asked Fox.
"OVER 9000!" shouted Peppy, his ears suddenly becoming erect and bright yellow.
"Alright old man, don't blow a fuse," replied Fox, "Just tell me what I need to do to keep this planet from going super emo."
"Well, personally, I think you should go get all the spell stones and place them on the pedestal here in the temple so that it will put the magic back to sleep and the planet won't blow chunks...I also think that Jessica Simpson should do a live album, that Janet Napolitano is hot, and that the stimulus bill worked," said Peppy.
"How could you possibly be attracted to that woman?" asked Fox, "She looks just like you."
"You calling me ugly? I'LL KICK YOU IN THE NUUUUUUUTS!" shouted Pepsy.
The rabbit's image vanished and Fox continued to the main room, but on the way there, Tricky got scared of the lava hopscotch and pussied out while Fox continued to the teleporter where he was warped to a room with a vase like pedestal connected to four intersecting walkways over a sea of MOAR pointless lava. DX
"Ugh! Did somebody fart in here?" asked Fox, covering his nose from the fumes coming up through the vase thingy.
He placed the spell stone over the slot in front of him and waited. Only one of the fumes stopped flowing.
"Okay...now what?" asked Fox impatiently to no one in particular.
After waiting for a good 10 seconds, Fox finally pressed the pause button and went to Slippy's channel.
"Slippy, any idea what I'm supposed to do?" asked Fox.
"Fly through a gold riiiiiinnnng."said Slippy monotonously.
Fox switched to Peppy's channel.
"Peppy, how do I get the other spellstones?" asked Fox.
"Do a Barrell Roll!" ordered Peppy.
Fox switched to General Pepper's com channel, hoping that at least he would be sane.
"Pepper, any idea where the other spellstones are?" asked Fox.
"Great job, Fox. Keep up the good work!" said Pepper.
Fox just stared at him for a moment.
"Is that all you had to say?" he asked.
"Pretty much. I don't have alot of dialogue," replied Pepper.
"That would explain why he never says anything useful," groaned Fox, switching over to ROB.
"ROB, where are the spellstones?"
Instead of ROB, however, he was greeted by the image of a red haired man in a tux, dancing around a white room, holding a microphone.
"We're no strangers to love, you know the rules, and so do I..." he sang.
"NOW YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR!" roared Fox, switching off his com and racing back to the teleporter.
He found himself right outside the volcano temple where he'd tossed the old dinosaur off the lava bridge. He also noticed Tricky standing around, staring off into space as grool puddled around his feet. Fox wasn't sure how he got out here so quickly, but he had to admire his speed. He also needed to know how he did it.
"How'd you end up out here?" asked Fox.
"Bright lights," mumbled Tricky, "Then there were these weird green guys with probes...and then I found myself back here..."
"I don't wanna know," replied Fox, then jogged back toward the hollow.
On his way down through the moon mountain pass, however, he heard something very strange.
"OOOOOHHHH!" moaned a female voice that sounded less than alive.
"Aw shit, I knew the T-Virus would make it all the way out here someday! D:" said Fox.
"You afraid of Zombies?" asked Tricky.
"No, I'm afraid that Alice will come here and ruin my series like she did the Resident Evil one...as if mine didn't suck enough already," grumbled Fox.
"That wasn't a zombie, mortal, that was the Cerinian Princess," exclaimed a Krazoa appearing before Fox.
"What is it with video games and princesses, these days? Couldn't she have just been a regular surviving cerinian standing up to Scales?" asked Fox.
"No! She absitively posolutely HAS to be a princess!" declared the Krazoa spirit, "You must continue what she started!"
"YES! FASTER! FASTER!" shouted that same female voice.
"I don't want to know what she started, XP" replied Fox, plugging his ears.
"Err, I meant that you need to find the other Krazoa and bring them to the Krazoa Palace," replied the Spirit.
"Speaking of which, how many more spellstones are there?" asked Fox.
"The answer is hidden, grasshopper," replied the spirit, sitting in a meditating position.
"DON'T GIVE ME THAT HORSE SHIT! JUST TELL ME HOW MANY MORE OF THOSE DAMN STONES I HAVE TO FIND!" shouted Fox, the skin under the fur on his face visibly red.
"Kay, fine, there's three more, sheesh," sheeshed the spirit.
"Was a straight answer really so hard?" asked Fox.
"Of course it is! I'm a spirit, and am therefore programmed to speak in poetic linguistics so that I sound smart," replied the spirit.
"You sound like you don't know anything and are trying to cover it up," replied Fox flatly.
"And it's all thanks to Nintendo...now kill this Sarlac Pit Frog and go climb up a vine," said the spirit, disappearing.
With that, a frog like creature with crab claws appeared out of a pit beside Fox and made hocking sounds. Fox tried to drive his dagger through the creature's eye, but was blocked by a flashing energy shield.
"What is that thing?" he asked.
"That is an energy shield," stated Tricky, matter-of-factly.
"I know that, I meant the frog creature," said Fox.
"Oh, that's a moon monster. You need to get it to turn around so you can hit its weakpoint to get a moonseed, which grows into a vine that you can use to climb up walls, but in order for it to work, you need to light the seed on fire so that you can climb its vine up the wall beside you so you can run through a dangerous canyon filled with even MOAR moon monsters and lolbats," explained Tricky.
"Oh screw this," said Fox, dialing up ROB's number.
"ROB, warp me my Arwing," ordered Fox.
"Location confirmed! Sending Supplies!" buzzed ROB monotonously.
An arwing fell out of the sky and landed on top of the moon monster, making a lovely squishing sound.
Fox climbed into the cock pit.
"Wait! You have to use the moonseed to get across Moon Pass!" shouted Tricky.
"I'm not just gonna get across it, I'M GONNA DO A BARREL ROLL OVER IT!" shouted back Fox.
(Product placement add)
Barrell Rolls! Part of this obnoxiously dumb breakfast! :D
(Back to Fox)
The Vulpine took off and flew over the moon like canyon, dropping several WTF Bombs along the way, just to make it more moon like. The sound of several WTF Bombs going off in rapid succession must have sounded really confusing to anyone within hearing range.
"YEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAWWW!" whooped Fox, waving a cowboy hat in his hand.
He continued soaring over the canyon until he saw the warp point that would take him to the Krazoa and parachuted down to it while his Arwing crashed into a rock, making a TOTALLY AWESOME FIREBALL!
Fox then stepped onto the warp rock and poofed out of existence. He found himself spinning and tumbling around in a black void dotted with gay ass fairies until he finally landed in some stone room with no doors, no windows, and only a ladder for climbing out of it, which Fox did, and soon found himself with something that made his fur stand up.
"Wait up, Fox!" said Tricky, charging at said vulpine.
Fox put up his staff shield just as Tricky leapt at him. The shield caused him to bounce off and roll several feet before he got back up. Fox then went through a dungeon full of booby traps that were so easy he didn't even notice them (and therefore, won't be mentioned again), and finally entered a large room with a floating purple head in the middle of it. Tricky was awed by the spectacle.
"Wow mister, who are you?" he asked.
"I am the head of common mockery. I will grant you three wishes," boomed the Krazoa.
"Whoa! Is that true? Are you really gonna grant me three wishes? :D" asked Tricky, excitedly.
"No," replied the spirit, "my real purpose here is to FIRE MAH LASER! BWAAAAAAAHHH!"
I feel obligated to give credit to Hanser68 from Youtube for the Barrell Roll commercial. ;)