A/N I said I wouldn't give up on this story. I plan on seeing this one through. Thank you so much for the random people who still read this after all these years. This chapter is for you.

Remember, this story takes place in 2006.

XXXXXXX

November 25, 2002

RyMAt87 : Hey, how are you doing? :)

MAC_12: I'm good, hbu?

RyMAt87 : Good, I guess. Still using your lingo, huh?

MAC_12: You know you love it ;)

RyMAt87 : Oh, that's what you like to think…

MAC_12: Smh

RyMAt87 : Um… what?

MAC_12: Shake my head. Gosh, get with the program.

RyMAt87 : Oh I'm sorry for not knowing "the lingo."

MAC_12: You're my BFF.

RyMAt87 : I'm not your BFFL?

MAC_12: OMG you actually knew that one?

RyMAt87 : Some girl at school mentioned it in passing. I thought I'd try to remember so that I could impress you.

MAC_12: Well, count me impressed. But to answer your question, no. BFF implies forever. BFFL is only this life.

RyMAt87 : You have a way of making me smile, you know that?

MAC_12: Yes :)

RyMAt87 : Good. Don't forget that.

MAC_12: Hey, Ry?

RyMAt87 : Yes?

MAC_12: BTWITIILWY

RyMAt87 : What on earth does that mean?

MAC_12: This one you have to figure out for yourself.

XXXXX

Ryan avoided Marissa as much as humanly possible the weeks following her birthday. Things between them had almost gone too far, and he knew if he stayed around her for too long he wouldn't be able to restrain himself from pulling her into his arms and kissing her like he had been dying to do since he was eleven years old.

Instead of hanging out with Marissa, he spent his days mostly with Seth at his apartment. When he had told Seth about their near-kiss, Seth scolded him for hours, reminding him of the fact that Marissa had a boyfriend and she didn't even know the truth about Ryan. Nothing Seth said could make Ryan feel more guilty than he already felt, however, so Seth eventually stopped lecturing and started trying to console Ryan over his broken heart.

Seth wasn't Marissa; mainly, he wasn't female, and Ryan wasn't madly in love with him, but he was a pretty damn good friend. If Ryan needed to talk (which wasn't often), Seth quietly listened and added in his own comments when appropriate, but they mostly played video games, watched movies, or tried to analyze Seth's lack of a love life. No one could replace Marissa, but Seth did a pretty good job of making it all feel a little less stifling.

Luke wasn't against the idea of Ryan staying away from his girlfriend, either. In fact, Luke reveled in the fact that Marissa could no longer follow Ryan around like a lovesick puppy. He knew that nothing physical was going on between them – yet – but he did know a connection when he saw one, and Marissa looked at Ryan in a way she had never looked at Luke. He all but outright encouraged Ryan to stay away from Marissa for a little while, and merely shrugged whenever Marissa asked where Ryan was.

The only really difficult time for Ryan to avoid Marissa was their Psychology class. The class was held in a lecture hall, so Ryan tried to blend in with the rest of the crowd. He always kept an eye out for Marissa, however, and saw her scanning the rows for him day after day. Nothing could take away the pang in his heart every time he saw her finally give up and sit in the back alone with a disappointed frown. If only she knew how badly he longed to just be around her. But that was the problem, wasn't it?

In Ryan's absence, Marissa started talking to Brett more. Brett wasn't entirely thrilled when she told him about their near-kiss either, and Marissa almost hung up the phone after he wouldn't stop scolding her. But finally, he conceded that maybe Ryan was doing the right thing and giving them space so that things wouldn't become complicated. "You need to look at this from his perspective. You almost kissed. You have a boyfriend – his roommate. He is trying to give you two space so that you can both cool down."

"What if I don't want space?" she had asked, exasperated. "What if I want to figure out what the hell it was between us?"

"Well, answer me this: was it more than the wine and candles, or are these feelings you had merely a result of a romantic setting with someone you deeply care for?"

She sighed. "I don't know, Bee. Maybe it was just the candles and wine, but I do know that he made me feel something, and I can't just ignore that. I need to figure out if it was only me, or if he felt something too." She ran a hand through her hair, staring at her wall. "And besides, I miss him so much. It physically hurts not to spend time with him."

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're falling in love with him," Brett said softly, and the thought struck Marissa hard. Could she be in love with Ryan? No, it wasn't possible – they hadn't known each other long enough. And besides, she loved Luke.

"Now you're sounding silly," she said, though her voice sounded foreign to her own ears. "I'm not in love with Ryan. Not this one, anyway."

Brett sighed deeply. "You're not in love with the old one, either, okay? Just forget about him. It's been years. You've moved on, and he obviously has too."

Marissa ignored his statement, not wanting to think about her old best friend. "Whatever. I just want to know what to do about this situation with Ryan right now. I miss him. He's become a good friend and it's not fair that he just dropped off the face of the planet. Do I just give him space like he wants, or do I try to talk to him?"

"Honestly? I'd corner the bastard and make him talk. Don't take no for an answer. You're a Cooper. You've got spunk. Use it."

Marissa smiled despite herself. "Thanks, Bee."

"Hey, what are friends for? Now go chase some Atwood ass."

The next psychology class, exactly two weeks and a day after Ryan last spoke to her, Marissa arrived early and leaned against the wall by the entrance. No matter what, he would have to pass her to get to class, and she wasn't going to let him go without talking. Five minutes later she saw him walking with his black messenger bag slung over his shoulder and his head down, hair falling into his beautiful blue eyes. She planted herself directly in his path and watched as he looked up and halted in surprise. "Marissa?"

She smiled grimly. "Oh, so you remember my name?"

Guilt flashed in his eyes and he looked away from her penetrating gaze. "Of course I remember your name."

She took a step closer to him. "Well, forgive me for wondering. You just seemed to drop off the face of the planet after my birthday…"

He grimaced. "Riss.."

Suddenly, her eyes began to water as she remembered the last few weeks without him. "You became such a big part of my life, and then suddenly you were gone." It hit her why this hurt so much – she had been through this before. He was acting just like the old Ryan, and once she realized that, she suddenly couldn't breathe.

He must have picked up on it because his arms suddenly wrapped around her, pulling her head to rest in the crook of his neck. "I'm so sorry," he murmured into her ear, gently pressing a kiss to the top of her head. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to be like him. I just… You have a boyfriend, and that night…"

Breathing in his cologne, feeling his warm, strong body against hers, she felt home. She closed her eyes and let her own arms wrap around him snuggly, missing his touch after two weeks of being without it, without him. Her best friend. One of only two people who could so easily read her mind, though he was getting so much better than even Brett these days. "That night was amazing. Everything I needed. We just went a little too far. It doesn't have to happen again."

Ryan pulled back and searched her eyes, his own unreadable. Finally, after an agonizing minute of wondering what he was thinking, he finally nodded. "Okay." He pulled her in for another hug, staring off, feeling his heart break at the thought that he would never get to kiss her. "Okay."

XXXXXXXX

Before Ryan could believe it, Thanksgiving had come. They didn't get off all week, only Thursday through Sunday, but he was looking forward to the break from classes regardless. Marissa, Luke and Seth were going back to Newport to celebrate Thanksgiving with their families, but Ryan wasn't feeling as homely. He decided he would much rather just stay at the dorms on his own than go back home and face his mother. He hadn't heard anything from Chino since the day he left, and he wanted to keep things that way.

He hadn't let Marissa or anyone know he wasn't going back home. If possible, he was going to withhold that fact from them. He knew if they knew he had nowhere to be this Thanksgiving, Marissa would take it upon herself to invite him because that was simply the kind of person she was – always trying to "save" people. But he didn't want to be saved. He wanted everyone to have a happy Thanksgiving, and he knew he would get in the way of that with his sob stories and constant brooding.

Besides, even though they had spent the last week talking and hanging out again, Luke had talked to Ryan about being careful around Marissa. "Not that I'm jealous or you're doing anything wrong, because I'm not and I know you definitely aren't…but you two have grown so close to each other and I kind of miss my girlfriend."

Ryan had stared at Luke awkwardly, wondering why he even cared when it was Luke who spent almost every night at the frat houses partying, practically forcing Marissa to hang out with Ryan since they didn't have a huge social circle. He merely shrugged and said, "All right." Even though he kind of felt like punching Luke for being such a dimwit boyfriend to begin with.

So, on Wednesday evening Ryan watched everyone preparing to leave for Newport. Not even Seth knew the truth about Ryan staying alone for the holidays. Marissa knocked on Ryan's door before letting herself in, shutting the door softly behind her. Ryan was laying on his bed mindlessly browsing the internet on his laptop and smiled softly at her. She returned his smile and climbed onto bed beside him. "Hey."

"Hey," he said quietly, closing his laptop and placing it on his nightstand. He folded his hands in his lap. "What's up?"

She sighed and smiled shyly. "Would it be totally pathetic for me to say I'm going to miss you?"

He smiled despite himself, ignoring Luke's talk. "If it is, we're pathetic together because I'll miss you too."

She brought her knees to her chest, resting her chin on top of them as she gazed at him. "Are you nervous to see your family again?"

The thought of ever seeing his family again caused way more anxiety than he cared to admit. "More scared than anything," he said slowly, trying to remain as truthful as possible. He was scared of seeing his family again; she just didn't know he wasn't going to have to worry about that this weekend.

She nodded. "I'm nervous about seeing my mom. Ever since my dad left, we've kind of had this weird relationship…" She trailed off, her eyes glazing over as she lost herself in memories.

Remembering how she reacted back then when they still talked online, he sighed and rested his hand on her knee. "It will be fine. Thanksgiving is an opportunity for things to change, right?"

She smiled grimly. "Hopefully." She sighed and looked at him seriously. "I really wish you could come with us."

He clenched his jaw and looked down, not able to stare her straight in the eye while he lied to her. "Yeah, I wish that too."

"Then do it. Ditch your family. You don't want to see them anyway," she said firmly, pleading at him with her eyes. "We'll go to Newport. You can stay with me, my mom and Kaitlin. You would get to meet Brett. We could go to the beach and watch the sun set, or even the sunrise if you can get me out of bed in time." She stared at him for a long moment. "Please?"

He sighed and looked away, not able to bear the look in her eyes, knowing he was lying. "I can't, Riss. You know that."

She sighed frustratedly. "I know. It's just… ugh."

"I know." He glanced at the clock. "You better get going. Don't want to be driving too late."

She nodded and reluctantly stood. She started to walk away, but hesitated at the foot of his bed, nervously playing with her fingers. Finally, she offered a shy smile. "Walk us to the car?"

He couldn't help the sad half smile he gave her. "Of course."

He helped them all load their things into Luke's car, neatly placing their suitcases so that everything fit perfectly. Luke just gave him a friendly nod before climbing into the passenger seat. Marissa had invited Seth to drive along with them, much to Luke's consternation, so Seth walked awkwardly to Ryan next. "Um, happy Thanksgiving, I guess," he mumbled, avoiding Ryan's gaze.

Ryan smiled at his friend's awkwardness. "Happy Thanksgiving, Seth. Have fun with your family. Try not to pass out from eating too much."

Seth grinned widely. "Where's the fun in that?" Ryan patted Seth's shoulder, then Seth too climbed into the car.

That left Marissa. Ryan turned to see her leaning against the car watching him with the softest and most beautiful eyes he had ever seen. His entire heart softened as their eyes locked and he became lost in the woman he absolutely adored. "I'm really going to miss you," she finally whispered quietly, her eyes watering with emotion.

The corner of his mouth lifted into a gentle half smile as he took another step toward her, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "I'm really going to miss you too." She rubbed her arms as if cold, but he knew the truth. She was nervous and sad and confused. So was he. He had never felt so deeply for anyone as much as he felt for her – twice. And even if she didn't love him the way he loved her, he knew she knew how this felt. They weren't so different, really. He placed his hands on her hips, making sure he had her attention. "Listen, I want you to have fun okay? I want you to eat a bunch and laugh a bunch and think about all the things you're thankful for. Make a list. And when you get back, you can share it with me."

A single tear escaped, and he captured it with his thumb. She wrapped her arms tightly around his neck, and his own arms found their way around her as he held her close. I love you, he wanted to say. You will never know just how much. "Happy Thanksgiving, Ry," she murmured into his ear.

"Happy Thanksgiving, Riss," he replied softly. He watched her climb into the passenger seat next to Luke, and waved to them as they drove away. But he remained in that same spot long after they were gone, staring at the now-empty parking space, wondering how it was that one person's absence could somehow make everything feel wrong.

XXXXXXXX

It didn't take long for Ryan to understand why Luke wanted him to stay away from Marissa. Whenever she called from Newport, she told him all the sweet things Luke was doing for her. How he kept telling her he wanted her to feel safe. How he murmured sweet-nothings into her ear so that only she could hear. How he was beginning to remind her why she had started dating him to begin with.

Ryan knew Luke, and he knew that this meant something was up. Luke wasn't a sweet guy. Ryan thought that on some level Luke genuinely was in love with Marissa, but he wasn't the kind of person to just show it and tell Marissa constantly. Ryan suspected it had something to do with sex, but as only the best friend, he had no say in the matter.

On Saturday night Marissa called Ryan, giving him a much needed distraction from the paper he was writing. "Hey," he said with a smile.

"Hey. What are you up to?" she asked.

"Working on this damn English paper. Once I finish this class, I'm so glad to be done with it for good." He paused. "What about you?"

"I actually wanted to ask your opinion on something," she said, and only then did he notice the twinge of nervousness in her tone.

He sat up more in bed. "What's up?"

She hesitated. "I don't know. It's Luke. I feel like he's getting antsy, and I'm even getting a little antsy. Not for him, but to lose it. Get what I'm saying?"

He didn't, but he could guess what she meant. "Kind of. I'm assuming you're talking about…" He trailed off and swallowed the thick lump in his throat. He didn't want to say it. He didn't want to think it.

"Yeah, I am," she said before he could force the word out. "And I know it's a big step, but I don't know, Ryan. I just want it over."

"I don't know if that's a really good reason," he said softly, honestly. It wasn't. She should lose her virginity because she loved the guy, not because she just wanted it to be over.

"Well, what other reason will I ever have?" she said, exasperated. "I only wanted to ever give my virginity to one guy, and he's long gone. He's not coming back. Ryan Mackenzie is never coming back, and I have to accept that." He couldn't bring himself to speak. This hurt him too much. He could have had her in the absolutely most sacred way possible, but he had ruined it. He had ruined her. Ruined her first time. Ruined everything. "Ryan?"

"Yeah?" he asked sadly, rubbing his eyes tiredly. His whole body suddenly ached with the thought of what he had inadvertently caused.

"Did you know I tried to tell him I loved him one time?" she finally said after an unbearable silence.

He furrowed his eyebrows. "What? When?"

She laughed despite her obvious exhaustion. "I was on this streak of using texting and messaging lingo. I would throw out random ones. TTYL. POS. BRB. I thought I was so slick. This one time towards the end right before things started getting bad I sent this random one out. I can't even remember what it is. But it meant, 'By the way, I think I'm in love with you.' He didn't know what it meant. He tried to get the meaning out of me, but I never told. That would have been so embarrassing."

His heart sank when he remembered that conversation. He could remember it clearly. BTWITIILWY. He had searched and searched, but never could find out what it meant back when she sent it. Now, he could probably find it easily. "Wow. That's really crazy," he said softly, so much regret. If only he had known. He would have told her he had been in love with her for years. They could have been together. Things would have turned out so differently.

"That was the only time I tried to actually do something for myself," she said quietly. "And I grew too afraid to actually follow it through. With Luke though, I have this chance. Maybe it's time. Maybe this is the moment."

"Well, is he pressuring you?" he asked tightly.

"No, not at all. He hasn't even brought sex up in weeks." This surprised Ryan, though he knew that Luke didn't have to actually mention the word to try to manipulate Marissa anyway. "It's just.. I think this will be good. It's time to start living in the past and move on to the future. That means no more old Ryan. It's time to give Luke his chance. And what better way to symbolize that?"

She had obviously thought this out. That's what bothered Ryan the most. She made sense. She didn't particularly say she wanted to have sex with Luke, but she had so many reasons backing her up. "I don't see why you need my opinion then," he simply said, trying to keep his voice calm and neutral though he wanted to scream, Don't do it. You belong with me.

She sighed. "You're my best friend, Ry. I guess I just want your support?"

Here it was. His moment to tell her he was desperately in love with her and that she should be with him, not Luke. That giving Luke her virginity was a huge mistake. That he wanted to spend his entire life taking care of her, looking out for her, doing whatever it took to make her absolutely happy.

But he knew if he meant that last part, he too had to let her go. She was with Luke. She had been with Luke for years. Luke did love her, Ryan was sure, and on some level she had to love him in return. If Ryan really loved her, he had to let her go. Let her do what she wanted. Let her be happy.

"I think you should do this if it's what you really want," he said honestly, closing his eyes tightly in the process. It took every ounce of strength he possessed not to say anything more. She deserved more than Ryan. She always had. She always would. Now, he could give it to her.

"Thank you, Ry," she said softly, shyly. He clenched his jaw. His heart hurt so badly inside his chest. "I should probably go. Luke will be here in an hour."

He nodded even though she couldn't see him. "Have a good night, Riss."

"Goodnight, Ry."

With that, she hung up. He stared at his phone for a really long time, wondering if he should call her back and tell her the real truth. He never did anything for himself. It was always for her. And even though he had just convinced himself Luke was the answer for her, maybe Ryan really was. Maybe they really were meant to be together. He knew it. They were Ryan and Marissa. Best friends. Soul mates. He had come back into her life after leaving. Some outside forces were at work here.

But by the time he had enough courage to call her back and tell her the truth, she had already turned off her phone as she went out with Luke. Disheartened, he listened to her voicemail, his heart breaking into a million pieces.

XXXXXXXXXX

Marissa, Seth and Luke arrived late the next day. Luke and Marissa walked in a little past 10 pm, both looking tired from the long drive. Marissa smiled at him weakly, and he knew by her eyes that she had gone through with it. She looked slightly harder, and he knew it wasn't everything she wanted it to be. But he had known that all along, hadn't he?

She gave him a half hug and said, "God, I'm so tired. I'm ready to just collapse into my bed and sleep." She smiled softly though, and when she really looked at him he could see she was still just his best friend. Still the girl he loved. Luke, as bad as it sounded, couldn't change any of that. She reached into her purse and produced an envelope. "I wrote this for you last night," she said softly into his ear so that Luke didn't hear. "After."

He nodded, swallowing the lump that always appeared in his throat lately. Grasping the letter, he slipped it into his back pocket. "You should go back to the apartment. Sleep. You've had a long day." He smiled genuinely at her and kissed her forehead tenderly. I love you, he added in his head. Despite everything, I love you. And I'm so so sorry.

She left not long after. He went into his room before he could see Luke give her a kiss goodnight. With everything, he knew he wouldn't be able to take that.

He opened her letter as soon as he sat down on his bed. He had never received an actual letter from her before. As much as he loved actually being able to talk to her, he missed her words. She was always most genuine when she wrote to him. Because of his stupid decision to leave, she hadn't written him anything in a really long time. Way too many years.

As he read her letter, he couldn't help but smile. And for once, he didn't need feel sick with guilt as he fell asleep.

XXXXXX

November 25, 2006

Dear Ryan,

It's weird writing that again. I haven't written that since the old Ryan. But I'm over him now. For good. I mean it. I know it's probably on your mind. I know it's on mine. I'm no longer an innocent little girl. I'm sure you know what that means. I feel…weird. The same, but different, too. It wasn't amazing and breathtaking like it's supposed to be. It just was.

That wasn't why I started writing, though. I started writing because I can't get what you said out of my mind. What am I thankful for? I've been thinking about it since you spoke to me on Wednesday. I miss you. Off topic, but I just suddenly really felt it.

Anyway. You told me to think of what I'm thankful for. After working for days thinking about it, here is my list:

You

The thing is, I can't think of anything else. And you know what? I don't need to. You're everything I need. Thank you so much for being my friend, Ryan. My absolute best friend. I hope you had a happy Thanksgiving. I hope I am at least half of the help you've been to me. Thank you so much.

Love,

Marissa

XXXXXXXX

A/N 2 For all my long-time followers:

Hey guys. It's been a while, huh? I'm in college now. The years have really flown, huh? I remember writing L&L back in middle school. It's insane to think about. I'm sorry for the long update. Life has a way of happening, you know? I've become obsessed with The Vampire Diaries. Team Stelena all the way ;) Though I have learned to tolerate Delena in moderation. I've started a story about the two. If you like TVD, I encourage you to read that. I haven't decided the end-all couple for that story yet.

Expect more updates relatively soon. Life does get in the way, but I'm in a good enough place right now. Thanks for sticking with me (if you did).

Don't forget to review :)