"Do you want to remember?"

Chapter 10 – All In Your Mind

Rukia stirred wearily and tried to sit up. The minute she put even the smallest bit of pressure on her left arm though, pain shot through her. She fell back with a yell, gripping her shoulder and wincing in pain. "What the hell..." she muttered as she squinted her eyes through the pain and looked around. She was surrounded by nothing but darkness, it was pressing in on all sides. What in the world was going on, where was she? "Hello?" she called in a voice choked with pain, "Is anyone there?"

No answer. After a minute she staggered up again, ignoring the searing pain in her left shoulder. "Oh God..." she mumbled breathlessly as she stumbled forward. She was confused, and just a little aggravated. "Now what do I do?"

"Hello Rukia. It's been awhile," Rukia jumped and whirled around so fast her head started spinning. And she found herself face to face with...a woman? She wanted to say that was what it was...but she had a feeling it wasn't.

"Who...are you?"

"You don't remember," the woman didn't sound surprised, "Well, I can't say I expected much more. My name is Sode no Shirayuki, Rukia. Does that mane mean anything to you?"

"Not in the least," Rukia racked her brain, trying to remember if Ichigo or Renji or anyone had ever said that name before. But it certainly didn't sound familiar. "Do I know you?"

"Of course you do," Rukia waited, but the woman – Shirayuki – didn't say anything more about it. Rukia had to admit, it was kind of annoying.

"I'm sorry," she finally said, "But even if I do know you, I certainly don't recognize you. Do you think you could explain a little more to me?"

But Shirayuki shook her head. "It's so sad, seeing you so broken. Your mind has been in shambles the last eight years. Sad"

"My...mind?" Rukia blinked, feeling utterly confused now. "What the...what in the world does my mind have to do with anything?"

"You still don't get it?" Shirayuki just sounded disappointed now. And Rukia? Well, Rukia was angry, understandably enough.

"No I don't get it!" she shouted, frustrated. "I don't get it, I don't get anything, all right! If you know so much about me, you know I don't know anything, why are you playing with me like this?! Is just some sort of sick satisfaction, or do you think it's fun, messing with me like this?!"

Shirayuki was silent through Rukia's entire rant. When the young woman had finally yelled herself hoarse and had contented herself to breathing hard and glaring at Shirayuki, she said, "Do you want to remember?"

"I...what?" Rukia blinked. That certainly wasn't the response she had expected. After all that, she had at least hoped to get a little bit of a rise out of the mysterious woman standing before her. And...what was that she had just said? "Do I want to remember? Of course I want to remember. Can you help? How?"

"Do you know what Zanpakatous are?" Shirayuki asked, "I know Renji told you about them once, do you remember?"

"Zanpakatous," Rukia repeated slowly. Shirayuki was quite right (though Rukia had no clue how she knew); Renji had mentioned them once. "He...he told me they're the swords that...Soul Reapers carry," she was kind of proud of herself for remembering all this, "They have different forms and stuff, and stages called...called...jeez, I don't remember," she bit her lip and looked away, trying to hide her aggravation now.

"It's all right," Shirayuki said in a calm voice Rukia was quite sure she didn't usually use, "That's what I'm here for. To help you remember. And anyways, you got most of it. I guess all you really need to know, Rukia, is that I'm your Zanpakatou"

"You're...what?" that was something Renji and her brother had never mentioned. "My Zanpakatou? I'm a-"

"A Soul Reaper?" Shirayuki supplied the words, "Yes, very much so. It's no surprise Renji and your brother never mentioned that"

"What does...this have to do with anything, exactly?" Rukia was desperate to know where Shirayuki was going with all this.

"What you forget, I still know," Shirayuki said simply, "In other words-"

"You're my memories," Rukia managed to choke out, "But...but how...I mean, why...I mean...oh, I don't know what I mean, I'm confused!"

"Calm yourself, Rukia," Shirayuki said, "This is why you have such a hard time remember. Because you let yourself get flustered and confused, and you try too hard. You have to relax, let the memories come back to you. That's why you haven't remembered. Because everyone in the Soul Society has been pushing you to remember, and it frustrates you and makes it even more difficult. It muddles your mind and makes everything unclear"

Rukia closed her eyes and took a deep breath. After a minute she opened her eyes again, feeling considerably calmer. "Then...what changed?"

"Ichigo Kurosaki," the orange-haired man. The one Rukia was now sure she had seen her dreams so many different times. But what did he have to do with anything? She voiced that question, and Shirayuki said simply, "He has to do with everything. Now. Are you ready to remember?"

But suddenly, Rukia wasn't so sure. The last five years she'd tried to remember, and now the opportunity was being presented to her, and she wasn't sure if she was going to take it. Things would be different, once she remembered, and she knew they would be. How could they not be? Once she really remembered Renji and Ichigo and her brother, once she really knew what those dreams of hers meant, things would change. But would they still be okay?

"Rukia"

Rukia gulped and nodded. "Y-Yes. I'm ready. Please. I want to remember. But...but I don't understand. How can I?"

A small smile played on Shirayuki's lips as she walked over to Rukia and touched a hand to the young woman's forehead. "It's all in your mind, Rukia Kuchiki"

Ichigo barely heard a word the Fourth Squad Soul Reaper was saying. Something about the wound being deep but not life threatening, how she should try to not use that arm for a few days, and some other stuff. But Ichigo wasn't paying attention. All he could think about was Rukia. Rukia, in his arms, covered in blood, her face white, her body still. He'd almost lost her today. He had almost lost her again. And it had made him realize something; even if dealing with a Rukia who had no memory was hard, he wouldn't trade it for anything in the world, as long as she was alive. He never wanted to go through the pain of losing her again.

"No, Captain Kuchiki's away on a mission," apparently the Soul Reaper had just asked if Byakuya knew what had happened, "He'll probably return tonight...he won't be happy when he finds out we let his sister wander around alone-"

"Screw him," Ichigo muttered, "He's not the one that's here taking care of Rukia today, we have more say in it than he does"

"You tell him that"

"I will," Ichigo looked into Rukia's room. Her left arm was bare, her shoulder wrapped tightly in a bandage. And she was stirring a little, her face twisted. She was waking up. Ichigo rushed into the room quickly and knelt down beside her, reaching out his large hand and brushing it against her smaller one. "Hey, Rukia. Can you hear me? Come on, wake up..."

She moaned a little and her violet eyes opened, slowly at first. "W-What..." she tried to speak, and coughed.

"Take it easy," Ichigo said as Renji said something about getting water and left. "It's all right, you're safe, just take it easy, all right?"

It took her a second, but then she managed to focus in on Ichigo. "Ichi...go..."

And then, all at once, her eyes snapped open, and she flew up, her face suddenly pale. "Hey!" Ichigo grabbed her shoulder and steadied her, "Didn't I just say take it easy, idiot? You want to hurt yourself even more?"

But she didn't appear to have heard him. Her eyes were locked on the wall in front of her, and she was breathing hard, as if she had just run a mile. "Ichigo..." she managed to say, "I...I...oh God..."

She dropped her head into her hands, and Ichigo noticed she was shaking like a leaf under his grip. The Fourth Squad Soul Reaper was watching from the door with Renji. Both were obviously confused (and maybe a little scared). "Rukia," Ichigo said in a quiet-but-firm voice, "Rukia, talk to me. What is it, what's wrong?"

And she said two words that would ring in Ichigo's mind forever.

"I...remember..."

Ichigo thought the floor would give out beneath his feet. She remembered? How in the world did she remember? She looked up at him. Shocked amber eyes met confused, scared violet. "I remember, Ichigo. I remember... everything..."

Ichigo was beginning to realize why that was a good thing and a bad thing. And, out of instinct, he reached his arms around her and pulled her into a tight hug. She collapsed into his grip and broke completely, tears slipping down her cheeks. And from the door, Ichigo heard Renji mutter, in an strangled voice, "Well...damn. What do you know?"

Half an hour later, Rukia was asleep again, under the influence of something the Fourth Squad Soul Reaper had given her before he left. Now Ichigo and Renji were sitting against the wall outside of Rukia's room, waiting for her to wake up again so they could find out just how much she really remembered. "She seemed scared about remembering," Ichigo spoke at last, "I mean...she was really terrified, you saw that. But why? If it was me, I'd be thrilled"

"Would you?" Renji asked, "Put yourself in her shoes, Ichigo. She hasn't exactly had an easy life. If I ever lost my memory, I'd never want to remember. But that's just me. The point is, Rukia's had it a little rough, and remembering all that at once...and then among other things...like remembering the fact that she almost died trying to save her son...who by the way, she's also remembered would be about eight by now...which means she's missed a good part of his life...you see where I'm going with this?"

Ichigo nodded, feeling a little annoyed at Renji's all-knowing, sarcastic tone.. He hated when it seemed like Renji understood Rukia better than he did. He was her boyfriend after all. He should have known her better than anyone. But he supposed he would have to make exceptions for childhood friends. Even if it was Renji.

"You know what I don't get?" Renji was talking again, "Why did she all of a sudden remember now? What happened?"

Ichigo looked into the room again at Rukia's sleeping form. "Her shoulder"

"Huh?" Renji looked over at Ichigo, obviously confused, "What do you mean? What about her shoulder?"

"See the shoulder she hurt?" Ichigo pointed to her left shoulder, "It's the same one she hurt the night she gave me her powers. That probably had a lot to do with it"

"Is that all?" Renji asked, sounding bitter, "Jeez, if I'd known that, I woulda sliced her shoulder open years ago-"

"And what, have Byakuya kill you?"

"Hey, if it brought Rukia's memory back-"

"He'da still killed you"

"Well yeah. But it would have saved us a lot of trouble"

Both men sighed and leaned against the wall, their heads turned up to watch the sky. The sun was starting to set. Apparently Ichigo was going to be on his own for the night; Byakuya was going to be away all night, and Rukia, of course, was out like a light. Renji never stuck around, even when Byakuya wasn't there, so it was just Ichigo. Renji left about an hour after the sun set. And Ichigo continued to sit outside Rukia's room like a watchful guard dog. He watched the stars, his mind on nothing but Rukia, and about what Renji had said about her remembering being good and bad. Ichigo could definitely see the bad. He knew things about Rukia even Renji didn't know. He knew about Yukio, and about how Rukia had almost died right after Kaien was born...Ichigo knew a lot he certainly wouldn't want to remember. He could only imagine how Rukia felt about it.

A low moan drew Ichigo's attention back to reality, and to Rukia, who was stirring. Ichigo's heart skipped a beat as he scrambled up, and was at her side in a second, kneeling down next to her. "Hey," he muttered as she opened her eyes, "You all right?"

"Y-Yeah," she managed to say, her voice low. She pushed herself up with shaky arms. "My head hurts," she muttered after a minute. Ichigo ran a hand through her silky raven hair. He wasn't really sure how to act. What could he say, exactly? Nothing that wouldn't make him sound like a complete, moron. They sat in silence for a few minutes. Rukia couldn't seem to look at Ichigo. Her head was ducked down, her hair framing her face. And finally she said, "It was...bad, wasn't it?"

Ichigo was surprised. "What?"

"I don't...remember what happened," she said quietly, "But it was...it was pretty bad, wasn't it?"

Ichigo bit his lip, remembering what Renji had told him. It was bad, he wanted to say, it was really bad. You almost died. You might have actually died. Renji might have just spared me that detail. But it was bad, Rukia

"It wasn't...good," he said finally, deciding to spare Rukia the details. It wouldn't be good to throw so much her way at once. He could only imagine how...well, for lack of a better word, unstable her mind was at the moment.

"If it made you leave, it can't have been good"

Ichigo bit his lip. What could he tell her? That he had thought she was dead? Yeah, that would go over real well. "It's all right," she must have sensed his distress, "You couldn't wait, you shouldn't have had to"

But I did, he said silently, Ask Kaien, he'll tell you. He'll tell you how there hasn't been a woman in the house that wasn't Orihime, Yuzu, or Karin. He'll tell you how I'm home every day at three on the dot, how I never leave unless he's with me, how I never even look at another woman. I waited Rukia. Really I did.

Why couldn't he say that? She needed comfort, she needed to know that she was still the only person he had ever loved, whether she was there or not. But he couldn't bring himself to say anything that even resembled that. There was just nothing to say right then that sounded even remotely okay.

By chance his eyes happened to shift, and he saw that Rukia had crossed her arms over chest, her nails digging into them. She was actually drawing blood. And Ichigo realized that she was trying so hard not to cry. It killed him, seeing her like that. "Hey," he said in a low voice, reaching over and prying her hands away, "Don't do that," when she didn't respond he went on, trying to keep his voice strong. "I know it's hard for you, trust me I know. But..." the words died in his throat. He'd had something to say, but now it felt as if he couldn't say it. When had he become worried about saying something to Rukia of all people?

"I missed a lot," he barely noticed that she was talking again. When he finally noticed, he noticed that it was a statement, not a question.

"Yeah, but it's been eight years, what do you expect?"

She groaned and buried her face in her hands. "Eight years...I'm sorry"

The words surprised Ichigo. "For what?"

"For...for I don't know what!" she sounded frustrated, "For everything, it's just so...I don't know!"

Her entire body was shaking now. Ichigo couldn't take it anymore. He reached over and wrapped his arms around her. She didn't even flinch. "I'm sorry I left," he muttered, resting his chin on top of her head, "I shouldn't have, but I didn't know...I'm sorry"

She rested her head against his chest, still shaking, and for a minute it felt like old times. Ichigo sighed deeply. It felt good to have her back in his arms again.

And he swore silently that he would never leave her again. No matter what.

Author's Note: So...I'm between going to the epilogue for the next chapter, or attempting to write about what happens when everyone finds out Rukia remembers everything. At the moment, I'm leaning slightly towards the second option. Opinions? Review please! - Sam