Chapter 10

My chest has become heavier and heavier with each passing day. It was painful to see Bakura. It didn't help when I sat right next to him in homeroom. He didn't even try to speak with me so that made it easier, but whenever I looked at him, I felt jealous at how he could act so normally. My feelings started to become more and more twisted as I started to hate the grin on Bakura's face. I hated how he returned to his normal days and my life was changed.

Because of the scars, I hid in my home room class room to change for gym now for school. Since I had a lot of classes different from Marik, he couldn't keep me company at school. However, I had a lot of classes with Bakura. We never talk, but it still hurt me to see him. It felt like I died 5 times in one day.

Gym was another class I had with him so I took my sweet time in changing. I was so deep in thoughts that I hadn't heard someone walk in. It wasn't until I turned around to get my shirt did I see this person. It was Bakura. What rotten luck I had.

He ran towards me and grabbed my arms. I flinched and trembled.

"Let go of me, Bakura," I said. My voice was strong now, but now my body was shaking uncontrollably. I must have looked so pathetic to Bakura.

"Who did this to you?" Bakura asked. He looked at my chest. I looked down and I noticed he was talking about the marks that he had caused when he was drunk. I shielded my chest with my shirt. I looked at him with a glare.

"How come you don't remember?" I asked him. Why was I the only one suffering? It was unfair so I finally said something about it to him. "You did it."

"I don't remember doing anything like that to you," he said. "I would have remembered."

"Well, apparently you don't," I spat out. He took a step back. I clenched my hands into fists. I was so tired, so angry of how Bakura did not remember what happened. He needed to know what he did to me.

"You raped me!" I shouted out. "You took my virginity on my birthday! You told me all about that little bet that you had with Malik. Well, I'm sorry that you couldn't win Yami's bet, but I couldn't pretend like nothing happened and be happy."

Bakura was silent. His eyes widened to the point that he looked like a little animal that was waiting for a car to run them over.

"Yes, I know everything," I growled out. "How you used me, how our relationship was only a form of entertainment for you. You even called me a slut when you took me. That really hurt."

I looked away. My chest was hurting. I was waiting for him to deny it, but he grabbed me again.

"It was an accident! I was drunk," Bakura shouted out, more in desperation than the anger that he tried to mask it under. I raised an eyebrow. He asked for my forgiveness and for a second chance, but a feeling suddenly stirred inside of me.

I laughed bitterly and pulled away from him. It was like I wasn't myself.

"I gave you a second chance already," I told him, my voice sounded strained and forced. "I already gave you a second chance you took it and stomped on it. Don't act like you started caring about me. I'm not falling for it again."

My chest panged in pain as I put on my shirt. I didn't hear anything from Bakura. Nothing at all. It was like he was frozen by my sudden outburst. I would have been shocked too, but my eyes were welling up with tears. I couldn't stay around him anymore.

"I really did love you," I said. I looked at him for one last time and smiled gently. It wasn't forced, but it wasn't a happy smile. It was more like a smile that you'd give when you were leaving for good. I ran out of the room. I heard Bakura called out my name as I ran, but I couldn't stop. I sobbed into my arm and tried to lose him. I looked behind me to see that he was actually chasing me.

I took quick turns and I ran into the nearest bathroom. I sobbed into my hands and fell onto my knees. It really hurt. I wanted to take him back and pretend that none of that happened, but I didn't want to be hurt because of him when he had already betrayed my trust.

I was alone again.

Marik had decided that I was okay now that I started to eat normally and smile more naturally. I took my time in the shower, trying to scrub away how dirty I felt about myself. He didn't notice that. Whenever I saw Bakura, he never looked directly at me. At times, I see him sneaking a few peeks at me in class, but that must only be because I'm sitting next to the window. He probably wanted to have nothing to do with me.

Though I should be happy about it, I can't help feeling how empty I felt. Yugi was distracted about some other drama his many friends were in. Marik was spending time with Malik, which takes a lot of time away from me, because even though Malik doesn't try to hurt me anymore, it's too awkward to be in the same room with him. Especially since he keeps complaining about Bakura, and it feels that I fall deeper and deeper into the hole of despair that I couldn't get out of every time I heard that name. Without any of them by my side, it just kept reminding me of how lonely I was.

Back when I was dating Bakura, there wasn't any feeling of loneliness that lingered in my chest when I was around him. Plus, due to his dislike for Marik and Yami, he spent his time over at my house now. We were really happy back then, even if it was only an illusion.

Now that I think about it, Bakura seems paler than usual these days. There are dark circles under his eyes, which I think just meant that he can't sleep with Malik bothering him. I can tell that Malik bothers Bakura a lot, because Marik would always complain about the new wound that his boyfriend slash brother had been showing off. Marik was convinced that Malik was either a masochist, or even more insane than we thought he was, if that's even possible.

I sighed deeply as I waved Marik good bye as he went with Malik on a date. It was summer now so I didn't see Bakura anymore on a daily basis and that I was stuck at home. I've been writing very depressing suicidal thoughts in my diary now.

Maybe the world was just better off without me.

Marik was happy, even though we spend a lot of time apart now. Malik was practically replacing me which I found rather ironic. I could still remember the day where Marik was convinced that I had replaced him with Bakura. It's kind of funny. I wish I could laugh.

But honestly, what was the point in being cheerful now? I had no other friends that I hang out with on a daily basis. My life was basically meaningless now and that ache of wanting to hurt myself was still there. I should probably put myself out of my misery.

I went over to the kitchen and took off my shirt. I traced the marks that were barely there from when Bakura hurt me. If I close my eyes, I could still see his face when he took my virginity. I took out a knife and slowly ran it across my skin. My breath hitched at the pain. I didn't expect it to hurt like this when I was the one holding the knife. It almost lessened my resolve, but Marik will notice that I hurt myself. He'd try and stop me.

He was truly a good friend. I was making him sound bad when I was thinking about how he had replaced me with Malik. Honestly, it was the similar treatment that I gave him in a sense when I was with Bakura, only Marik had the strength to join the two of us when we went to somewhere we both could enjoy or when we watched a movie together.

I took a deep breath and when I exhaled I cut into my flesh. The blood stained the blade and my blood was dripping from the wound to the floor. Why didn't I just listen to Marik? Why did I trust Bakura? Then again, ever if I didn't trust Bakura, I would end up being alone. There was no way for me to ask Marik to spend some time with me, not when Malik had made him so happy…

Again, I cut myself, but deeper. As I thought I continued to cut myself. It hurt so much, but I started to get used to the stinging pain in my arms. When I could ignore the pain now, I felt like I needed to be hurt more.

I felt light headed and I noticed there was a lot of blood on the floor. It had soaked through the white shirt that I had dropped. I fell onto my knees.

I wonder how Bakura would see me now. Would he call me weak as usual? I think he would think I deserved it for being a slut or tell me that he was right that I didn't deserve to exist on the same ground he walked. I can't help, but to think those things were true.

Oh? I could hear somebody shouting something and running around in the rooms. 'Hey, I'm in the kitchen,' I wanted to shout out, but I didn't have the strength to and my mouth was dried up. I can't hear them, their voices sound fuzzy to me. My vision was very hazy.

"Ryou, where are you?" I heard Marik called out. "Bakura's in the hospital!"

I'm sure that was what he said. So Bakura was in the hospital? Did he regret hurting me? No, I doubt it. Malik probably did something to hurt him. That sounded more logical. But I knew that Bakura wouldn't just die, he was stronger than that. I saw the door open, but it was too late, my vision was getting random black spots in places. The two people that entered were shouting something, but I can't hear them anymore. It felt like I was underwater.

I feel so cold. I hate this. I somehow managed to think about how warm it would have been to be in Bakura's arms right now… I guess I should say good bye to him.

Good bye, Bakura…I still love you even though you can't hear me.

I guess I wasn't strong enough.

I'm sorry.