AN: Yeah, a new chapter, a little faster, like promised. I try to keep it up this way and update every week.

Next chapter is already in the making. It will be much longer and packed full with … I don't gonna spoil you! :D But that one has to last for two weeks, 'cause I am going on a backpacking trip through Scotland. Means no MacBook and no internet. You're gonna survive it, I'm sure about that.

As always I'm gonna mention the LonePlam, who is a great support for my story and its quality.

Disclaimer: Sons of Anarchy and all characters in this fic – except for Adam Learner, the nurse James and some unnamed supernumerary – belong to Kurt Sutter and the FX Network.

Sleep was not an option. Something kept Tara mercilessly awake. She couldn't name it. Couldn't touch it. So the only thing left for her to do was to listen to Jax's steady breathing. As long that remained, everything would be okay. Sleep, she told herself in mind. Sleep, because you will need it. But she couldn't. She just stared into the blackness behind her closed eye lids, where shapeless thoughts swirled around.

The clock displayed 2:04 am
when Jax stirred and turned onto his back. His heart rate was elevated. The last half hour it had been a permanent up and down, like his heart was unable to decide what it wanted to do. Torn apart between two worlds; like Jax himself. He had made a decision. He had promised her to leave this life behind. This place. And now Tara found herself wondering if they would really ever leave. If Jax had a plan to get out clean he hadn't let her in on it. He had said that he simply wanted to wait, sit it out 'til the old man at the head of the table retired. But even Tara knew that it wouldn't be that easy, especially when time wasn't a card Jax had in his hand. He literally had to have something up in his sleeve. Maybe not yet. Maybe there was no plan. She had no idea. She just knew that the sooner they left, the better chance they had of having a normal life.

But if worst came to worst, there would be no need for him to get out, because there would be no life left for him to live. Tara knew that, she saw it every day. Jax didn't. She couldn't imagine what was like for him to realize that he wasn't immortal, how it felt to see the only thing he ever could rely on falling apart. Not even Tara could bear that. It ripped her own heart into pieces. Jax simply wasn't immortal, not even unbreakable.

She crawled out of the bed and looked around, kind of restless, kind of disturbed. Then she sat down between Jax and the EMT-bag to do what? Keep watch? She rolled on her knees and checked the contents of the bag – again and again and again. In her mind she went through resuscitation protocols, drug dosages and … and – fuck she was driving herself crazy. Nice diagnose Doc, she thought. Sitting on the floor, in the middle of the night, like a maniac juggling with supra vials and whispering administration quantities. Well it was corollary, she clung on what she had learned. It was the only thing she could do as long there was no one to talk to, no one who could ease her pain. Tara sighed and got up. She assured herself that the alerts were set on the highest volume and went down the hall to the nursery.

And Tara was not the only restless soul in Charming. Opie had made it home, barely. He had felt like driving to the woods, laying down and never getting up again, but he didn't. Instead, he had turned his cell back on, confronted with a huge amount of missed calls, and had called his wife, told her that he was okay and would be home soon. That had been a few hours ago. When he got home all lights were turned out. The children and Lyla were fast asleep and he went out on the porch with a bottle of Jack in his hand and just a poor attention to the ocean of sparkling dots above his head.

There he sat, drinking 'til his fingers got numb and his mind followed suit. The grief he was feeling was overwhelming and he was certain he would never be able to share his desolate thoughts with anyone.

The morning light crept silently into the nursery. Tara yawned with pleasure and looked down on Abel who had snuggled up to her. For a moment she had forgotten why she woke up in her son's bed, but the reality hit her hard and she was startled. She freed a strand of her hair from Abels grip and got up.

»Mommy?« he opened one eye and she petted his head.

»Shhh, sleep. Mommy has to check on Daddy« she whispered and kissed him on the cheek.

»Daddy here?« Abel opened his other eye too and Tara knew that she had lost this game.

»Yeah baby, Daddy is here. Don't you remember? He put you to bed« she nodded and Abel was on his feet in a second.

She grabbed him around his waist and made her way to the bedroom. Jax was still sleeping and Tara dropped Abel at her side of the bed. She could see in his anxious face that the monitoring stuff attached to his father scared him. That was just the way it was – a two year old couldn't understand that. Tara sat down behind Abel and laid her hand onto Jax's chest.

»It's okay sweetheart« she assured him and laid his hand next to hers.

»Tiggle?« Abel asked.

»If Daddy is ticklish?« Tara asked in reverse and Abels eyes grew wide in agreement.

»Go and try it!« she encouraged him and watched her son tickling the sides of his father's waist. Right on cue Jax started to chuckle and twist under the touch.

»Oh no!« he moaned amused. »Please … uh … I can't … stop … I can't hold out … oh Jesus!«

But Abel had no mercy and continued laughing and squealing as he tickled his daddy with his small fingers, ignoring the alien wires he was first scared of. Jax watched Tara above his son's head without stepping out of character and continued to moan.

»How are you feeling?« she asked after a quick glance at the monitor.

»Like I am made of glass« he smirked.

»Eh?«

Jax pointed his finger at the monitor. »You always consult this thing first and then you ask me how I feel. What can I say that this machine hasn't said already?« he muttered displeased. Abel had stopped his little game of torture and started showing interest for his own toes.

»I'm sorry Jax. It's just routine. Most of my patients can't answer my question properly« Tara apologized and Jax nodded forgivingly.

»I'm fine. Really. It's like it always was. I feel shitty for a few hours and then everything goes back to normal. No dizziness, no palpitations not a hint of weakness, nothing.«

»How often has that happened?«

»Um, I don't know. Eight or nine times.«

»Why didn't you tell someone?«

»I did, but Stockton wasn't a place to complain about things you couldn't name.«

»But they were very well aware of your injuries.«

»I did … it was one time, I went to the doc there, after I was released from the infirmary, and I told him; but he said it was normal and that I had to heal and that it could take months 'til the symptoms would disappear.«

»And why didn't you tell me?«

»You're kidding right? You were shaken when all that happened – and pregnant and almost alone. I wanted to give you time to recover from that. How could I dump problems on your shoulders that you couldn't solve? You needed to know that I was gonna be fine and that you didn't have to worry anymore. At least not about that.«

»And after you got out?«

»Hey, that was just a few days ago and I felt good. There was a lot more important stuff I had to tell you.«

»I know« she smiled.

»Daddy!« Abel tried to get his fathers attention.

»Looks like I'm out of the picture« Tara asserted and got up from the bed. »Breakfast?«

»You think you could cut me loose from all of this? So I could help you with the breakfast« Jax asked waving his hand towards the array of monitoring equipment.

»I'd prefer that you stick with that a little longer. Just to be sure.«

»Come on babe, set me free« Jax begged playfully winking at her.

Tara frowned. »Okay, but you take it slow and the pulseoxy stays where it is.«

»Deal! But you gotta tell me what the "pulseoxy" thing is?« he smirked.

The pulseoxy was the red flashing clamp on his finger tip that measured his pulse and his oxygen saturation. Perfect – and it was the only thing that made using the coffee machine incredibly difficult. Tara had banished him to a chair at the table next to Abel, who was sitting in his high chair and painting the leaflet of a pizzeria with a bright blue crayon, while Jax tried to fill the coffee into the filter of the machine. The damn monitor stood at the middle of the table and displayed only two values and a clock which caught Jax's attention.

»It's 6:44 am« he stated a little aghast.

»Yep, sure is« Tara agreed, as looked inside the refrigerator and reappeared with four eggs. »How many do ya want?«

»How many do we have?«

»Ha ha, so your appetite is back?«

»I never said that it was gone.«

»Jax, you barely nibbled on dry toast yesterday … «

»You got me« he held held his hands up in defeat. »Should this o2 saturation thing not be a hundred?«

»What value is it displaying?« Tara asked turning to look at Jax.

»98 percent« he read.

»That's perfect. Only superman got 100 percent.«

»Superman?« Abel echoed exited.

»You let him watch that shit?«

»Don't blame me, I was a single mom for over a year, so sometimes the boob tube served as babysitter« she chuckled and cracked the eggs.

»Your Mom made her life veeeery easy« Jax explained with all the seriousness he could muster to his son and took the crayon out of his hand before he could chew on it. »Yuck, nobody wants you with blue teeth, bud.«

»Someone should take this bike over to Jax's« Clay claimed and pointed at his son's Harley. He got off of his own bike and looked over the crowded garage parking lot. It was barely 8 am and most of the mechanics at Teller-Morrow were already busily at work and so was Opie.

»I'll do it« he replied cleaning his oil-smeared hands with an old towel walking up to Clay.

»Alright« Clay nodded and lowered his head. »You were with him yesterday?«

»Yeah« Opie nodded.

»Don't you ever turn off that cell again« the old biker reminded him harshly and turned to leave but stopped. »And tell the others I want to see everyone at chapel. 9 am sharp.«

The sound of his Harley was so distinct that he could pick it out of a hundred just by its sound. When Jax heard it approaching the driveway he got up quickly, fortunately without getting dizzy.

»What … « Tara began but he cut her short and wagged his finger with the pulsoxy.

»Take it off« he begged and met her angry face. »You said it looks fine.«

»Yeah, but … « she sighed and nodded resigned. »Take it off yourself and hit the blue button on the back.«

»I love you« he replied and headed to the bedroom.

»That won't work every time« she yelled after him and got up even before she heard the knocking. When she opened the door, Opie stood on the other side.

»How is he?« was the first thing out of his mouth.

»Better« Tara stated and closed the door behind him.

»Clay is on his way. I just came by to drop off his bike.«

»Clay? What does he want?«

»He called church.«

»Church?«

Jax heard them talking while he pulled the sweater over his head and checked himself in the mirror. No suspicious adhesives or tubes were visible. He slipped into his kutte, fastened his knife onto his belt and grabbed a zippered sweatshirt. He walked into the kitchen where he found his best friend and Tara watching him in concern.

»I know … « Jax raised his hands defensively.

»You're kidding, right?!« Tara spat.

»You know Clay. He is like a dog, sinks his teeth into your ankle and won't let go just because you ask him to. I have to take care of this. I will be back in no time.«

»Can we talk alone?« Tara asked Jax walking towards him.

»Hey, I have to leave anyway« Opie stated and nodded to the door. »Juice is waiting outside in the truck.«

»See you the chapel« Jax nodded and waited for Opie to shut the door.

»Jax! I thought we were finished with that!«

»We were. I will be just at the clubhouse.«

»Do you know, that I didn't sleep more than one hour last night because I was worried that I could miss an alert? That that worry was eating me up inside?«

»I'm sorry for that.«

»Yeah, you're sorry but you don't act like it« she started ranting, but suddenly changed her mind and sighed. »I'm sorry.«

»Tara? … For what?«

»For trying to change you.«

»You're not. I know you're worried. And if I were in your place, I would be going nuts« he admitted. »Look, the day before yesterday I made Clay a promise. That promise gives me my way out. But I have to do some things to make that happen and attending church right now is a part of that.«

»I'm scared, Jax« Tara whined and Jax wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly.

»I've got a least a few hours 'til it all goes to shit again. That's long enough to get through church and buy me some more time.«