Spike bit back a groan as Buffy appeared at the top of the stairs with a tray. He could smell the vindaloo, and he couldn't suppress a grin. Buffy had cooked for him, had done it before he'd wandered in injured. He watched her walk carefully across the room, balancing her burden.

"Buffy, that's a fourth pint. I'm really not that thirsty." Spike grinned as she settled the tray over his lap and smiled as she stood holding the cloth napkin in front of him. He reached for it and raised an eyebrow at her, but she quickly tucked into his lap, smoothing it across the bedding. Spike took a deep unnecessary breath.

Buffy climbed up on the bed and grabbed one of the bowls from the tray, settling cross legged near his knees. It was all very domestic. The slayer, the ultimate killing machine for his kind, was very much a nurturing homebody. He shook his head at the oddity of it all.

"Shut up. Drink your blood like a good little vampire, or I'll have to punish you." Buffy smiled at him and pointed at his cup. "Bottoms up."

Spike blinked rapidly as her words teased through his very wicked mind. "Bottoms up, indeed." He mumbled.

"I mean it Spike, you need to feed." Buffy narrowed her bright green gaze and snarled at him. "Don't give me any shit."

It was too precious when she played it tough, like a kitten spitting at him. He grinned at her and picked up his mug dutifully. He watched her spear a piece of chicken and bring it to her mouth, her pink tongue shooting out to gather in the dripping sauce. Suddenly, domestic slayer appealed to him on a new level. He gulped down the unwanted blood just to please her. He frowned at the nasty plastic aftertaste of the bagged blood and grabbed his fork, hoping the vindaloo would wipe out the vile flavor lingering in his mouth.

"I hope you like it. I wanted to do something nice for you. You've done so much for all of us, and they are treating you like a leprous, rabid dog." Buffy looked into her bowl.

"A leprous, rabid dog?" Spike smiled at the description. "Not bad enough to be rabid, but I have to be leaving a trail of bits and pieces behind me?"

"That's the way I see it." He looked up at her and saw her jut her chin out in an expression he was coming to know very well.

"To be fair, pet, I have tried to kill them all at various times. They have reason to mistrust me." He reminded her with a smile. "Give them time."

Spike smiled as he watched emotions war on her face. She was so unguarded with him now, and it thrilled him.

"They are living behind your wards, safe from harm. They ought to show you some respect." Buffy grumbled mulishly.

"You set such a fine example for them, threatening me with bodily harm, letting them tramp through our room while I'm trying to catch a bit of kip, letting them berate you." Spike smiled at her and took a bite of his food.

"How does the way they treat me have anything to do with you?" Buffy looked up at him with a puzzled expression.

"You let them dump all the responsibility on you, pet. Angelus killed Giles' ladylove because she was a danger to him. He would have killed her even if she had nothing to do with your little group. Torturing Giles with it was a bonus for him is all. He's hunting them because they associate with you, true, but would they still be alive without you?" Spike smiled at her softly. "You let them talk down to you about everything but me. It scares them. Their petty fears start to run away with them. Angelus made certain of that. They look at me and you defending me, and they figure I'm more of the same."

"They think you'll turn on us and I won't be able to kill you." She slumped down and looked deeply into her bowl.

"You blame yourself for all the world's evil. Why shouldn't they?" Spike moved the tray to rest beside him and pulled Buffy into his arms. "You can't stop it all. This is a war I don't think either side is meant to win."

Buffy's eyes snapped up to his face. He watched her struggle trying to figure out which question to ask, and put one finger up against her lips. He was distracted momentarily by their softness and the whisper of her breath across his finger, warm and alive.

"There's free will and the trembling bloody balance. Even if the apocalypse happens, there will still be good waiting its turn to grab control again." He dropped his hand to her shoulder and rubbed his thumb along her collarbone.

"Then what I do doesn't matter?" He felt her body quake under his hand and he released her shoulder to grab her chin and force her to meet his gaze.

"Couldn't be further from the bloody truth if you tried, love. You are everything. You are the lightening rod, the call to arms, the perfect purpose, my perfect purpose. Your continued breathing is reason enough for the world to go on. You have to fight night after night, against odds that boggle the mind, to protect the world. Why do you do it?"

"I love them. Sure, I want to be normal, but then who will protect my little circle?" Buffy shrugged.

"And if they were all gone?" Buffy glared at him, but he smiled gently at her and trailed his fingers along her jaw.

"I'd fight for the rest because there are a lot of circles out there, and it's my duty to protect them." Buffy's voice carried the hard edge of her anger. "Doesn't make it easier though."

"No, I don't imagine it does." Spike gathered her closer to his chest, ignoring the pull in his side as he stretched the healing skin and muscles.

"So, what changed you?" Buffy mumbled as she tucked her head under his chin.

"You did, love. Evil is easy, but love is hard. I want love. I want to give it and be worthy of it. I've finally realized that you can love with or without a soul, but what form it takes, what reward it offers is shaped by the life you lead."

Buffy pulled back and looked up into his eyes. She raised her hands and they trembled as she rested them next to his ears, letting her thumbs caress his cheekbones. She twisted around until she rested on her knees facing him. He watched as she stroked his face and reveled as she twisted her fingers into his hair.

"Are you looking for redemption?" She stared deeply into his eyes and held her breath waiting for his answer.

"No, if I happen across it I won't run from it, but all I want is to love without pain." Spike lowered his eyes, breaking away from her intense gaze.

"You don't want someone to love you?" Buffy ran her fingers under his chin and forced their eyes to lock once more.

"I'd like to be worthy of it, but I'm not a fool." Spike stopped speaking as Buffy trailed her fingers along his lips. She rose up on her knees, never breaking eye contact with him, and leaned in to rest her forehead against his.

"You don't have to be worthy of love. Love has a cost, but as far as I can tell there's no price." She smiled at him and slid her hands into his hair before she closed her eyes and dipped her lips to his for a kiss.

Spike shuddered as her breath teased along his lips as they softly claimed his. She pressed against his body and he felt the heat of her flow into him. He wanted to kiss her properly, but held back, enjoying the gift of her attention. She pulled away and turned settling herself between his legs and grabbing her bowl once more. She leaned back against his chest and raised a bite over her shoulder and waited for him to take the bite from her fork.

Spike took her offering and wrapped his arms around her in a loose hug. "You did a fine job with the spices, Buffy."