As I cross the door of my building and out to the street, I froze. I don't know exactly what drove me to do that, to leave without hesitation as the memories return to me, like water tides crushing against my mind, each more disturbing than the last.
I've experienced this before, this "condition". I think I was sixteen the first time, haven't been in the States for long and was invited to a party after some game I really didn't understand. The underaged drinking didn't bother me, after all in my home country I wouldn't be breaking any laws if I stuck with wine or beer. Waiting until your 21 was a ludicrous concept then and, if I'm honest, it still is today. Either way, when you're 16 and drinking for the first time, there's only one way to find your limit: it's by crossing it, of course. And, oh... did I cross it that night.
The next morning I couldn't remember anything after a particular point, I thought it was awful, not knowing what happened. However, it was nothing compared to when the memories started crushing down, each more embarrassing than the one before: there was some making out with some football player, which lead to a fight with his hysterical girlfriend, while every stupid jock cheered around us and, the best (not) part of it all, some very public vomiting.
I remember promising to myself, after that night, I would never drink again. Of course that was not a kept promise. Although, for a really long time I didn't and even when I started to drink again I kept it at one beer a night. The shame and the whispers behind my back far too fresh to allow me to lose control like that again. But, eventually it happened again, I don't know how or why, but it did a handful of times throughout my life.
The previous times the memories consisted of embarrassing moments, when losing control resulted into some sort of public humiliation. This time is different, I lost control, yes, definitely, but it made me vulnerable and the restrain I know I have on, but pay it no mind, every time I'm around Cosima, snapped. And, although I am glad I could keep my integrity intact last night (or at least as far as I can remember), what happened between Cosima and I needs to be fixed. Now!
The early night is cold and I wish I had remembered to bring a coat, the sweatshirt I have on is warm, but not enough. And, even if I'm still at the door of my building, I will not go up to get one more layer of clothing. I know I would be face with questions I'm not ready to answer just yet.
But at least I had the good judgment of bringing my purse and I look for my phone in it, while scanning the street for a cab.
"Could you give me your address?", I text Cosima, hopping she's near the phone to reply fast. My attention is divided between the phone in my hand and the street, but the taxis that pass by me are busy and Cosima won't answer. I push the messages' screen again to send her another text when my phone vibrates. "Why do you need it?"; "We need to talk" My fingers fly on the screen. This time she answers quickly: "can't you call?"
It's just now that I remind myself that is Saturday night, Cosima's most likely not home. In a bar somewhere, perhaps. "No. Where are you? Can I meet you?" The idea of meet her elsewhere is not very appealing, but I'm still determined to talk with her. I'll just wait for her outside of wherever she is.
"I'm at the school's library." Her answer surprises me. The library's not always open, there's a study hall for that, opened 24/7 as long as there are classes. The library is off-limits after 9."The library is closed!" I point out in my next text. It would be weird if Cosima didn't know that and was trying to lie to me for whatever reason, but it's more logical than if she's actually telling me the truth. Yet, her simple answer is: "Not to me! Knock when you get here."
My brows are frowned as I look at her message and I'm sure my face is a mask of confusion. Still, I start to walk in the campus' direction, it's only a 10 minutes' walk away, along busy streets, it would be silly to get a cab now.
"You're obviously in no condition to make an educated decision." She tells me, but her hands are still in my cheeks, burning hot with her touch.
"Mais... I thought you wanted this." I'm still confused. Cosima has been pushing me in since the time we met and now she's pulling back?
"Not this!" Her hands finally leave my face and she leans further on the couch. "I don't want you drunk, only to wake up tomorrow regretting everything."
"What makes you think I would regret it?" I ask, daring.
"Well, I would!"
"You think I would be that bad?" I'm actually very offended with her implication.
She laughs softly and it's like the tension on her face dissipates with my words, drawn out of drunkenness and insecurity. "Actually, yeah... You probably would. But that's not what I meant." Cosima's expression takes a serious note again, but not so intense. "What I mean is... Fuck, Delphine... I want you! You know? The real you, with your snarky remarks, your daring gaze. I want you when you bit your lip or lower your head to hide your blush every time I make you nervous. I even want you when you are pushing me away. I don't want this!" She concludes and her eyes leave my face, where they've been the entire time, not really focusing on any feature.
"You want the challenge!" It's not a question, I know exactly what she means.
"Yes, I guess you can say that." Cosima agrees, but her eyes don't go to me again, instead they remain piercing the dirty floor under the table.
"Tu veux l'impossible!"
I make my way mechanically to campus, having walked this path more times than I care to count. But when I look up, I notice that I'm actually going to the wrong building, already at the entrance of the one where most of my classes take place. I shake the head to myself and turn on my heals.
Now that I'm so close to meet Cosima again I realize I have no idea what to say to her. It's obvious we need to talk, but how are we going to accomplish that, I don't know. Our intentions are so far away from each other, so distinct. It's like we're two different species; we thrive under different conditions, our habitats are opposite. We don't match!
However, there's something I have to admit: at least Cosima knows what she wants, as... unhealthy as it is, at least she knows. While I have no idea, all I know it's that is not the same.
I enter the building and the security guard doesn't look twice at me, just gives me a smile and nods. Maybe Cosima has warned him of my coming. My steps are slow along the corridors I've grown to know so well, there's no hurry on my pace, unlike my mind, which is racing a thousand miles per second to find a line of conversation to have with Cosima. Perhaps this was not a good idea, perhaps I should've waited at least until tomorrow, to try to get things straight with her. But now I'm here and Cosima's waiting for me. There's no turning back.
I knock on the sturdy wood of the door that leads to my favorite place in the entire campus, but I have the feeling that this time I will not be welcomed with the easiness the big hall usually sets on my mind. There's the sound of footsteps behind the door and when it opens, Cosima presents me with a tentative smile, her head resting on her hand that's holding the door open.
"You've remembered?" Those are the first words to me. I nod affirmatively. "Get in!" She opens the door a little more to make room for me to enter.
The big hall is absolutely vacant of people, which only makes it seem bigger. The ceiling lights that illuminate the library are off. There's only one light on over the main desk, where Mrs. Cross usually is and a work lamp on the closest table, on top of which Cosima has papers and books scattered all over. The rest of the hall's in complete darkness, apart from the bright green lights over the emergency exits.
I look down at the little brunette, whose eyes are also going around the room. "You were studying, I'm sorry for the interruption." The volume of my voice is low, yet in the emptiness we're in, it sounds almost offensively loud.
"It's okay, I needed a break anyway." She's walking in the direction of the table she's occupying. "So have you been having an entertained day?" Cosima asks and I can actually hear the smile on her lips.
"It has been... interesting." I follow her steps.
"I can only imagine... "
"You should have told me what happened." I watch her sit and take the chair in front of her.
"And deprive you of finding out in such an interesting manner? I couldn't do that!" She smiles but it's fake. I might not know her well, but I do know when her smiles are genuine, her eyes sparkle, they become brighter. That's not happening now.
"You were already convinced not to tell me long before you knew about my... special circumstance." I remind her. "I think you didn't want me to find out."
Cosima extends her hand and reaches for a pen, her eyes look down as she spins it between her fingers. "How far do you remember?" She eventually asks me with her eyes still down.
"Far enough to know we need to talk."
"How far?" She insists.
"A little after I kissed you and you pushed away." I tell her. She hums, but doesn't say anything or raises her stare at me. It makes me believe there's more to the story than I know so far and I wonder what could that be. "Thanks, by the way. You were right: I would regret it."
"I know!" Her only words. Cosima's not in the mood to indulge me, she won't help me fill in the blanks. And she's refusing to look at me, it's getting on my nerves, I'm starting to feel like I'm talking to a wall.
"Cosima?" I say low, a soft attempt to get her to look. I wait. In time she does. "Why can't we get along?"
"What do you mean?" She's curious, her eyebrows are high and frowned, her head a little tilted to the side.
"I mean, we obviously have somethings in common. Like this!" I explain, while my hand waves over the several books she has open on the table and the various sheets of paper scribbled by hand. "We could be friends, if only we stop bumping heads."
"What if I don't want to be friends with you?" Cosima says challenging me. "What if I don't want you around if I can't have you?"
It's my eyes that drop now, not able to keep looking at her. One thing is to have this kind of conversation drunk, another totally different is when you're stone cold sober.
What I say next, I say it with a painful squeeze in my heart, but I know I have to say it. With all intent of putting this behind us once and for all, even if it costs knowing Cosima entirely. I have to do it. "You don't want me. You like the idea of me, of having me. But you don't want me, not really. If you did, you would want to know me."
What I see next it's something I never thought I would. There's a quiet anger in Cosima's soft features. Her face doesn't become red, she's not clenching her jaw, for all means, if there was anyone around us, they would have no idea how angry she is. No. All her fury is concentrated in her gaze, there's a fire burning wild behind her glasses. And it's in her voice, when she finally finds it, using it low, with a chilling softness. "Fuck you, Delphine. Don't presume to know what I want or not. Do you think you have me all figured out just because I refuse to have around someone I know I can't have? It's fucking self-preservation not to put myself in that excruciating position.
"You say you want to be my friend, well friends don't do that. They want what's best for each other. And be around you and not be able to touch you the way I want, it's definitely not what's best for me."
As she talks the volume of her voice rises, but just a little, almost undetectable. "What I won't do is sustain your selfishness of want to have me around at your back and call. Because I know that's what would happen. And so do you. You are very aware of the effect you have on me. It's not fucking fair."
When she finishes there's an eerie silence around us. I can't look at her, not now, not after all she said.
I get up and start to walk to the door of a big room that was always kind to me, that has always received me with open arms and a comfortable intimacy, but now I find it cold and foreigner.
I look back once and see her with her head down. I think it's the first time I leave and the bright brown eyes don't follow me. "I will miss you, Cosima." And shut the door behind me.
My strides are fast along the familiar streets. I logically blame it on the cold, my need to get home fast, but know I just want to curl under my soft blankets and leave the rest of the world outside.
Olivia's half asleep on the couch and I turn the TV off and shake her shoulder so she realizes what she's doing. My roommate opens one eye, still not alerted enough to notice how upset I am. Fortunately. Last thing I want is to talk it over.
I go to my bedroom and strip fast, getting under my sheets, covering my head.
"It's not impossible, Delphine." She says and reaches for my hand, holding it open with the palm up on her own. The fingers of her free hand start to trace nonsensical paths along it. "You just need to learn how to let go of somethings."
"Like what?" I watch her fingers move on my hand and shiver every time she applies a little more pressure to her touch.
"You need safety, need to know what's coming before it arrives." She explains. "You know I can't provide that, so you keep me away."
"You're saying I can't be audacieux?" I cock my brow. "But I just kissed you!"
"Because you're drunk! It doesn't count." She points out with a small smile.
"I need another drink!" I try to get up fast, but the gravity is too much for me to handle.
Cosima snorts. "Yeah, that's exactly what you need." She says sarcastically. Fortunately she doesn't let go of my hand and it helps to keep me balanced. She gets up and extends her other hand. "What you need is to go home."
"Hmm... I don't know... Olivia's here somewhere, right?" I look around and see her still by the counter in an animated chat with her new acquaintance. "Oh, there!" I tell Cosima.
"Text her, say you're going home." She's moving around my purse until she finds my phone and gives it to me.
I take it, but don't like her plan. "I can't, if she takes the girl home I'm not going to be able to sleep. She's too loud..." I trail off, remembering Cosima is probably more aware of that than I am.
The girl twitches her nose, but says nothing about it. "Okay, then say you're leaving and for her not to worry."
"Okaaayyy... Why?" I look at her suspiciously.
"You need to leave. You can stay at my place." She says. I don't know what's my expression like, but somehow it drives her to explain herself. "I'm not trying to be smart, I'm just trying to help."
"I know, Cosima." I don't hesitate. "I trust you!"
I must have slept during the ride to her place, because when I'm aware of myself again, I'm with my right arm over Cosima's shoulder and being half dragged. My legs somehow working a little bit.
"You need to help a little, Delphine." Cosima's voice is close to my ear.
I regain some control over my body and try to put some more weight on my legs. "I'm really sorry about all this." Somehow I'm still talking English.
"Yeah... Yeah... Can you go up the stairs?"
I bend over and feel alarmed hands on my back when Cosima thinks I'm falling. But I just need to get this damn shoes off my feet. She laughs softly after I release a sigh of relief when I free my feet.
I'm very unstable, but, with Cosima's help, I manage to reach the top of the stairs. And with a loud groan I throw myself on the bed, bringing Cosima down with me. She giggles a little as I move around to get my head on a pillow. After I'm as settled as I'm going to get, she starts to get up, but I hold her wrist.
"Stay here?" It's half a question, half a request.
From her seating position she looks down at me, considering it for some time, until she let's herself fall in the bed as well. "You're a handful, Cormier."
I laugh a little and shift my body to face her. She's looking at the high ceiling with a calmness that I find uncharacteristic. Her glasses are totally out-of-place on her nose and I raise my hand, removing them. When she looks at me I give them to her. Cosima turns as well and we are face to face. She breaths deeply and I feel her warm breath glide over my face.
We're like that for some time, just looking at each other, not saying a word. She looks different without her glasses, like a barrier is down, more tangible somehow. She raises her hand and removes a more stubborn curl that's fallen over my forehead, tugging it behind my ear.
"Why do you do it?" I break the comfortable silence. She looks at me confused, as if I'm speaking French to her again. Truth is, I don't know if I am, so I explain further. "Why do you keep it away from everybody?"
"Keep what away?" Her voice is low and strained.
"This!" I say, raising my hand and touching her. I meant to go for the heart, but in my condition I miss it by a few inches. It doesn't matter, it's enough to feel it beating in an erratic rhythm under my hand.
Cosima's hand covers mine and I think she'll remove it altogether, but no. Instead she rearranges its position, placing it right over her hard beating heart. "Go to sleep, Delphine."