When Logan looked back on that game years later, he imagined they must have made quite the sight-two high school guys who would normally have been up and cheering (or yelling, as James tended to do) instead cuddled together as if there wasn't a bloodthirsty hockey match playing out before them.

But for the remainder of that game, Logan was content to not think at all; not about Jack, not about the fact that he might regret this when it was over, not even about how Kendall would never let him live this down. He was safe from the world, and when the crowd surrounding them began to move as one mass, he was reluctant to face reality again.

It wasn't as if James was willing to let him go, anyway. Rather than move, James tightened his arm to keep Logan near and spoke softly when he did. "Do you have a ride home?"

"Yeah. Kendall's mom is here somewhere. She had to work but was going to come after, with his sister."

"Okay."

"You?"

"Yeah. I'm staying over at Carlos' tonight."

"I might just stay at Kendall's. I can't decide if I want to be alone or not."

"Can I give you my number, in case you ever need a friend and he's not around?"

Logan tensed, the situation suddenly becoming real. What was he doing, sitting here in James' embrace with his head on James' shoulder? He sat up fast, putting distance between them.

"Just when I thought I was getting somewhere," James sighed.

"I told you I'm not interested in-"

"That was an offer of friendship, Logan. Nothing more."

Feeling guilty for the hurt in James' eyes, Logan nodded. "I'm sorry. I appreciate the offer, just...not yet."

"You still don't trust me?"

The truth was that Logan didn't trust himself. He could only imagine how often he'd call James in moments of weakness, just to hear that voice. And then he'd fall again, and just when he was too far gone to think straight (wasn't he already pretty much there anyway?), James would turn against him. Probably for no reason, as he had in third grade.

"I...it's complicated."

"I can only apologize so many times, Logan. At some point you have to meet me halfway."

Staring into James' eyes now, feeling the heat where their knees still touched, hearing his heart pounding even over the chaos around them, Logan wanted nothing more.

And it scared him so badly he wanted to run again.

"James! James, check this out! We're going on a date tomorrow!"

As usual, Carlos' excitement couldn't be ignored. Both turned to see him climbing the bleachers, clad in regular clothing but still sweaty, a duffel hanging off his shoulder while Kendall followed holding two sets of sticks and sporting a smug smile.

"Carlos, this is so sudden," James joked. "You haven't even confessed your love to me yet."

"Shut up, you dork!" Carlos laughed. "No, look, I got another note!" He waved the paper in James' face until James was able to grab it and read the invitation to a movie. "Kendall says he can't come with me, so you're it. My wingman."

James smirked at Kendall over Carlos' shoulder, Kendall pressing two hands together and silently begging. "Did you two ever figure out who the mystery girl might be?" he asked innocently.

"No, but Kendall thinks it could be a guy. Wait. Is it you, James?" Carlos asked, eyes wide.

"No," James laughed. "Not me. I've got my own guy I'm crazy about." He didn't in any way motion or gesture toward Logan, but Kendall smirked at them both anyway.

"So you admit you're gay?" Carlos blurted, loud enough to make all of them wince.

"Carlos, use a little discretion," Logan scolded. "The entire world doesn't need to know."

Chagrined, Carlos bowed his head. "Sorry. But it's not me, right?"

"Not you," James reiterated. Hoping to steer Carlos away from the conversation, he added, "And yes, I'll be your wingman tomorrow."

"Awesome! You can help me get ready, make sure I look good. Gotta impress my date, right?"

Logan smiled, finding Carlos' enthusiasm adorable. "I don't think you have anything to worry about, Carlos. Your date's going to love you."

"Hope so! Hey, Logan, did you ever figure out who your admirer was?"

Immediately the pain was back, both Kendall and James adopting expressions of sympathy.

"I always knew," Logan managed. "But that's over."

"Already? Did you even get a date?"

When Logan shook his head, fighting back tears, a strong arm stole around his waist. "I'm fine," he mumbled, but as that was obviously not the case, James only tightened his grip.

"Mom's coming," Kendall stated. "We need to get going, Logan."

Logan stood, reaching down to squeeze James' shoulder when he saw the concern still written on his face. "I'm okay."

"I'll be with Carlos, if you need anything. Anything at all, Logan."

"Thanks."

He spun at the sound of Kendall's little sister yelling up at them to hurry because she was missing her favorite show, then hugged Carlos goodbye. "Good luck on your date tomorrow. I hope your secret admirer is everything you want."

"Hey, hockey and cookies? What more could I want?! Ooo, maybe she'll bring me brownies, baked with her own hands!"

That brought a genuine laugh from Logan, James joining in as they glanced at Kendall's pale face. "You never know," Logan grinned. "Goodnight, James. Thanks for dinner."

"Anytime. Maybe sometime I can buy you popcorn and candy at the movies," he hinted.

"We'll see."

When Katie yelled again, Logan allowed himself to be led away, as usual feeling the emptiness once James was out of his orbit. He distracted himself by focusing on Kendall's plight instead. "I take it we're baking brownies tomorrow?" he teased.

"I don't know how to make brownies!" Kendall whined.

"Relax, I'll help you. Why don't we make some with kisses on the top? He'd love that. It's a silent indication that you want to kiss him."

"What am I supposed to do, sneak them into the theater?"

"I'll figure something out. Don't even worry about it, Kendall; this is a problem I can handle."

It was over an hour later and Kendall had been fed and showered when they finally escaped to his bedroom. Kendall sat on the bed and watched Logan change into a t-shirt and sweats before asking, "So are we playing video games or do you need to talk?"

"I don't know," Logan sighed, sinking down next to him. "I'm...hurt. Kind of empty inside. I didn't know how empty I was until I knew what it felt like to be loved. Or...whatever that was." He stared down at his clasped hands, trying not to let the pain overwhelm him again.

"I don't know if it was love or not. I mean, to be honest you barely knew the guy."

"But we became close in a short period of time. He made it sound like he's had a crush on me for a long time. And the things he said...I can't figure out if it was all a bunch of lies or if he really felt those things."

"I think he was just confused, Logan. Maybe he wanted something to come from it, and I don't doubt that what he said was true. But when it came time to make it real, it wasn't worth the hassle."

"So I'm a hassle?"

"No, of course not. That's not what I'm saying." Kendall took Logan's hand in both of his. "You're an amazing guy. Smart and funny and gorgeous, and there's someone out there who's going to appreciate that enough to take the risk. Maybe there already is," he hinted softly. When Logan's eyes closed and he shook his head, Kendall pressed, "I saw you two up there. You don't even know who won the game, do you?"

"We did. I could still hear what was going on, Kendall."

"You looked like you were in another world."

Logan shrugged, hugging one arm around his stomach.

"Can I ask you a question without you getting mad and yelling at me?"

"Go ahead, you're going to whether I like it or not. And I don't think I have any anger left in me tonight. I'm just drained and sad and...feeling worthless."

"You're not worthless. I promise. But how did it feel?"

"How did what feel?"

"Sitting with him like that. Acting like...a couple."

Logan was quiet as he considered it, then said, "I really don't want to think about that right now. I'm sorry."

"Logan, I saw you. I know you, I know what you were feeling, I-"

"Then why did you ask?"

"Because I want you to know it. I've never seen you at peace like that, at least admit he makes you feel different than anyone else."

"He always has." Logan laid his head on Kendall's shoulder exactly like he had on James' earlier, and while it was soothing it wasn't quite the same. Maybe because James had been hugging him close. "Put your arm around me."

"What?"

"Like this." Logan took one of the hands he'd been holding and wrapped it around his waist, pulling it tight before returning his head to Kendall's shoulder. "I feel safe."

"That's good. You are safe with me."

"Yeah."

"And you feel safe with him?"

"Yeah," Logan admitted.

"What else?"

"It's not something I can really put into words, Kendall. It's..." Logan sighed, searching for a way to describe it out loud. "Just a feeling of..."

Kendall waited patiently, and when a single word slipped out of Logan's mouth, he smiled. "I'm sorry, I can barely hear you."

After swallowing and taking a deep breath, Logan repeated, "Right. It feels right."

Nodding, Kendall said, "It looked right, too. Just so you know."

"Kendall, there are so many reasons why I can't let him in. You know that. Look what happened with Jack, and I wasn't nearly as invested in him."

"No? Could've fooled me." In a passable imitation of Logan, Kendall mimicked, "I'm in love. I want to marry him."

"Shut up," Logan chuckled, elbowing Kendall's side. "The things he said...I wanted them. I wanted all those things."

"Doesn't mean you can't have them with someone else."

"Come on, can you see James Diamond writing songs for me? Taking me skating? Kissing me on a beach?"

"I don't know, he did spend four years in California."

"Really? That's where he moved to?"

"Yeah. Came back because his mom opened another branch of her company out here. He's actually worried they might not stay more than a year or so."

A mixture of panic and emptiness flooded Logan at the thought. "Even more reason for me to not get involved with him."

"Don't act like you're not panicking at the very idea. You're hardly even breathing right now."

"I can't lose him again," Logan whispered, shocked by the tears that were real and had nothing to do with Jack. "I can't let myself care about him and then lose him all over."

"Why not look at it as enjoying the time you have with him before he's gone again?"

"Fuck, Kendall, I can't breathe." Then Logan was up and pacing, forcing himself to take deep breaths.

Kendall studied Logan as he paced. "You never really hated him, did you?"

"Every second of every day," Logan argued.

One side of Kendall's lips quirked up. "I'm learning that just because you hate someone, it doesn't mean you don't love them, too."

"I hardly knew him."

"You knew enough. That feeling of rightness...you can't argue with that."

"It was so much easier when he wasn't around. Why did he have to come back? Why couldn't he have just stayed in California and I'd be with Jack and things would be perfect?"

"Because you wouldn't be with Jack," Kendall said gently. "And if you think about it, it's because of him that Jack and Shannon broke up. So really none of this would've happened at all if he'd stayed away."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

"It's just the truth, Logan. That's all."

"But what if I take that chance and he ends up hurting me like Jack did? What if he suddenly decides he hates me, the way he did when we were kids?"

"He's different now. Don't tell me you can't feel that, can't see it in his eyes. He's crazy about you."

"He doesn't even know me. He doesn't know anything about me. You can't come back into someone's life after four years and think you know him."

Kendall's eyebrow arched the way it did when he was smug. "Exactly. You can't think you know him after four years, either. Get to know him, Logan. One night, what can it hurt?"

"So much. You have no idea how much power he has over me. It scares me."

"I know. But...what if he's everything you've always wanted and you just let him pass you by?"

"Kendall, can I spend one night getting over one guy before you suffocate me with another?"

"Fine," Kendall sighed. "Fine. You get one night off. But tomorrow we're right back at it."

"Tomorrow you'll be too nervous about Carlos to think about my love life."

"Ugh, don't remind me. What if he ends up like Jack? Decides he can't handle dating a guy?"

"He didn't seem too bothered by the prospect earlier."

"Yes, but it hasn't sunk in yet. What if-"

The sound of an incoming text startled them into silence, both of them turning to stare at Kendall's phone on his nightstand.

"What if that's Carlos?"

"What, so now you're afraid to even talk to him?" Logan teased.

"No, it's just...okay, maybe. I'm really nervous!"

"I know. Just read the text, Kendall."

Kendall reached out for the phone, that smirk returning to his face as he read the words. "Crazy about you," he grinned.

"What?"

"Read it."

Almost fearfully Logan approached the bed and sat back down. He braced himself before taking in the message, which was from James.

Hey, I can't stop thinking about Logan. Is he okay? I'm worried about him.

"Oh," he said softly, slightly numb.

"Stop torturing yourself, Logan. This could be it."

Logan groaned before reaching out for the phone. "Give me that." His thumbs tapped the surface quickly and he sent it before he could change his mind.

"What did you say?" Kendall wanted to know.

Logan held the phone out for Kendall to read it.

He's asleep. Confused about you. You already apologized, what else do you want from him?

Impressed, Kendall scooted back over the mattress to lean against the wall. Logan joined him there, and they waited as a symbol popped up showing that James was composing a reply.

I just want a chance with him.

"See?" Kendall smiled. "Just give him a chance."

"Like it's that easy," Logan sighed. He sent another text.

A chance for what?

This answer came back fast.

Whatever he's willing to give me. If friendship is all he wants, I'll have to be satisfied with that.

You hardly know him. You were gone for four years.

I never forgot him. I missed him every day.

Logan's jaw dropped at that. "Missed me? He hated me! He wouldn't even speak to me!"

"Ask him why."

Logan's thumbs went to work again.

Then why were you such a jerk to him?

It's a long story.

I've got time.

I was stupid, okay? Let's just leave it at that.

He deserves an explanation.

And I'll give him one, if he ever asks. It's between him and me. No offense.

"There you go," Kendall nodded. "That's your cue. Want to call him now?"

"I just told him I was asleep."

"So I woke you up and told you he was worried about you. Call him, Logan."

"No. Not tonight. I can't handle anything else tonight."

"He's going to be worried about you all night."

"Not my problem."

"Logan..." Kendall groaned. "You're not cruel. Call him."

"No. I'm tired and I just want to go to bed and put an end to this horrible day."

"He's not going away overnight. The problem will still be there in the morning."

"But I'll be more prepared to handle it then. Tonight I just need sleep."

"Fine, but say something to him now. He's probably afraid he pissed me off."

"Oh. Right." Logan texted again, running it by Kendall before sending. "This okay?"

Kendall read the words.

It's okay, I understand. I'm heading to bed, got a long day ahead of me tomorrow. Thanks for agreeing to come to the movies.

"Good. Send it."

They'd slid under the covers by the time James replied.

No problem. I hope it works out for you guys. He was talking about it all the way home and until he fell asleep. He's really excited. I'm just excited for the chance to spend two hours with Logan. Can I sit next to him?

The message melted something in Logan's heart, surprising him into a smile. "Tell him you'll see if you can arrange that."

Kendall did, then exchanged a goodnight with James before returning his phone to the table and reaching up to shut off the light. "Told you. Crazy about you."

"It was so much easier when he was an asshole. But I miss Jack."

"I know. Get some sleep, Logan. We'll deal with all this tomorrow."

"Okay." Logan turned onto his side and cuddled up against Kendall. It was nice, but he couldn't help feeling something was missing. "I...miss him."

Kendall didn't even have to ask which of them Logan was referring to. "Tomorrow, Logan. Let him treat you the way you deserve to be treated."

"And if he doesn't?"

"I kick his ass so hard he goes running back to California."

"Promise?"

"Swear."

"Thanks, Kendall."

"That's what friends are for. Try not to dream about him tonight."

"If I do, you'll enjoy the benefits when I wake up horny."

"Oh, good point. Dream about him all you want, then."

Logan chuckled before kissing Kendall's cheek and laying his head back down. "Goodnight, Kendall."

"Sleep well, buddy."

But Logan didn't sleep. An hour later he was still tossing and turning while Kendall snored peacefully next to him. He'd expected that he would cry himself to sleep over Jack tonight, but instead he laid there yearning for a touch he'd never thought he would feel again, a voice that sent shockwaves through his body when it spoke into his ear.

"Stupid beautiful jerk," he mumbled, finally slipping out from under the covers and searching out his phone in the dark. He grabbed Kendall's as well, taking both with him through the quiet house and down into the basement, where he collapsed into an old chair Mrs. Knight had stored down there years ago.

He used Kendall's phone to call up James' contact information, then plugged it all into his own phone before putting a call through. After four rings Logan almost hung up, berating himself for being so desperate just to hear a voice in his ear, but then the voice was there and his body relaxed.

"Hello?"

It wasn't rough or sleepy, as Logan had expected it to be. "James?"

"Yeah. Who's this?"

"Um. It's..."

"Logan?"

"Yeah. Did I wake you?"

"No. No, I've been laying awake forever, just...are you okay?"

"Yeah. I couldn't sleep."

"I'm here if you need to talk."

"Tell me why you hated me."

Logan hadn't intended to say that, he'd only wanted to hear James' voice, but the words tumbled out before he could stop them.

"What?"

"In third grade. What did I do that was so wrong?"

After a few seconds of silence, James said, "Hold on a second."

Logan waited, wondering if James was making up lies in his head to explain his actions.

"Sorry about that, I didn't want to wake Carlos up."

"Oh." Immediately feeling guilty for thinking the worst, Logan shared, "I'm in Kendall's basement."

"I'm in the garage now. The thing is...it's dumb."

"What's dumb?"

"My reason for being so angry at you back then. But I never hated you, Logan. It was just the opposite."

"So you ignored me?"

"Well, you..."

"I what?"

"You broke my heart."

"I broke your heart?"

"You cheated on me."

"I...what?!" Logan asked incredulously.

"Look, you have to remember that we were eight years old."

"Yeah, and-"

"And you'd kissed me."

"I kissed...James, I'm lost."

"In the park. The day we met. You kissed me."

Logan's jaw dropped. "I performed CPR."

"I didn't even know what that was! I just knew that you touched your lips to mine and when two people kissed, it meant they were together. Forever. Like I said, I was eight. I didn't know any better."

"Oh my god. You're telling me that I went through all those years of hell because I...wait. How did I cheat on you? I never kissed anyone else."

"You flirted with Shannon."

Logan was almost speechless but managed, "I did no such thing."

"I spent that whole weekend thinking about you and hoping I would see you at school, and then I did and we smiled at each other and I thought that was it, end of story, we were boyfriends, but then the second Shannon paid attention to you, it was like-"

"She was talking to me! I had nothing to do with it! The truth is she scared me, but I didn't want to be rude! And then I turned back to you, because you were the one I really wanted to talk to, and you were glaring at me and turned your back on me and wouldn't even look at me the rest of the day. Hell, the rest of the year! And you're telling me that all of it was because some girl had a crush on me? A girl I didn't even care about?"

"I told you it was dumb," James murmured.

"Well, how do you think I felt when I walked into the library and saw you two all cozy at the table together? You think that didn't kill me?"

"When? You mean just the other day? It was all her, I've been trying for days to show her I'm not interested."

"Well, she's not getting the point."

"She would if you'd just let me take you out!"

"And how do I know you're not going to suddenly turn your back on me again? Tell me I should go back to where I came from?"

James sighed heavily. "I didn't mean that. I never should have said it. I'm sorry."

"Then why did you? I don't know why I won that stupid talent show, you were so much better-"

"No, Logan, I told you. You deserved to win that. I was just jealous, and even more than that I hated that watching you play made me feel things."

"What kind of things?"

"All kinds of things. Things I didn't want to feel. But you were beautiful, and that song, it haunted me, and-"

"Did you sing to me?"

"What?"

"Your song. The Beatles song. 'Yeah you got that something, I think you'll understand. When I feel that something, I want to hold your hand.' You looked right at me when you sang those words. Was that my imagination?"

A short laugh escaped James, the sound bringing a smile to Logan's lips. "No. I would've killed to hold your hand."

Logan's eyes fell closed and he rubbed his forehead, so many emotions running through him he could hardly think straight. "You had a funny way of showing it."

"I was an idiot. I'd give anything to go back to that time."

"Well...we agreed to start over, right?"

"We did. Logan Mitchell, would you like to go on a date with me to the movies tomorrow night?"

Logan's breath caught, the panic returning because no matter what James said, it was scary to trust. "Um. I..."

"Still not ready?"

"I'm still getting over the other guy. I need time."

"Of course. Just as friends, then."

"Yeah. That's best."

"It's enough. I'm glad you called."

"I am, too. Though I still can't believe you thought I was cheating on you."

"Eight years old. That's my defense."

"It was CPR, James."

"It was your lips on mine, Logan. And for the record? I hope one day we can make that happen again."

A flush crept up in Logan's body at the thought and he knew it was time to say goodbye. "I need to go, James. Goodnight."

"Sure." The disappointment was palpable, though. "See you tomorrow?"

"I'll be there. Don't forget, back row of the theater."

"Got it."

"Bye."

"Bye."

Logan sat in the dark basement for another few minutes, replaying the conversation in his head. James thought he'd cheated? If Logan hadn't suffered such hell over the years, he would almost think it was adorable. He felt bad that he couldn't take what James had to offer now, especially after hearing the sadness in James' voice when he repeatedly rebuffed James' advances.

Picking up his phone again, he opened a text to James and typed:

When I touch you I feel happy inside.

The reply came in while Logan was returning the phones to their chargers, and the lighted screen made Logan smile.

It's such a feeling that my love I can't hide.

He welcomed the arms and legs that wrapped around him when he climbed into the bed, closing his eyes and imagining it was James. His last thought before dropping off to sleep was a line of the song Jack had shared with him the one night they'd talked.

Wait, I never had a chance to love you.