I've been avoiding Mark since that night, three days ago. He kisses me and hugs me and I love him, really I do, but it just felt wrong. He wants to do it again, I can tell, but I don't know what to do, or what to say and I'm scared because although Fred and James were asleep last time, this time we might not be so lucky. It's so wrong that they and Tilly were in the same room when I did that, even if they were asleep. Above all, I feel guilty, and I feel ashamed. I don't deserve him, and he's so perfect, so sweet. He's trying so hard to make me feel okay.
I realised the next morning that we never used a protective spell and it's not time for my period yet but I'm scared. Everyone would be even more disappointed than they are already if I was pregnant. How would that look for Dad's campaign? If news got out, he probably wouldn't get voted in, and it would be all my fault. I couldn't live with myself if that happened.
I got a letter from dad yesterday. He says he's confident about the election, and that he knows he'll do just fine. Dad and I have always been so close, and I usually tell him everything. I've just been so busy this term that I've neglected him. Maybe Louis was right, and I have been too wrapped up in Mark and I.
Louis and the others might have forgiven me, but they're still acting all cold, and when we have to work in threes I go with Delilah and Alec, because they're nicer. Today and yesterday I spent lunch with Delilah and Alec, and the evening with Rose and Lily, who are both being lovely. But Mark keeps waiting up for me, and I think he expects us to... You know, again.
Molly is looking at me oddly, and James keeps trying to talk to me, but I can't look any of them in the eye anymore, because all I can think is that they were in the room. It's just horrible, it makes my throat all tight when I think about it, and I feel sick about the whole stupid thing. I should never have drunk that firewhisky. I should never have gone upstairs with him. It's all wrong. I thought it was meant to be beautiful and happy or that you were at least meant to enjoy it. The romance novels are full of lies, because I didn't. I don't know what to do about it. I think Molly can tell something's wrong because she looks at me all odd, and she asks if I'm alright all the time. And I'm not, but I can't tell her that, because truth be told, I don't think Molly's had sex yet, and I don't want to have done it before her. This isn't how I planned it would be. There weren't any candles and I wasn't wearing a silk nightgown. I didn't fall asleep beside him. I've failed Mark, and I bet he's really upset. I'm a horrible person, ignoring him like this.
I've only had a couple of hours sleep a night since it happened. I keep crying when I'm alone, I cry at night, when everyone's asleep, but no one hears, and I was so horrible, I doubt if they care anyway. I've ruined it all, and Mark must hate me. I hope Molly doesn't know. But how could she? She wouldn't even suspect her baby sister - I mean, why would she? I'm sensible and she's wild and it's not part of the role.
I can't concentrate on my lessons. I can't concentrate on books either. I can't focus. It's all my fault.
I have to go now, because someone's coming up the stairs. It's probably Florrie. I might just pretend I'm asleep. The footsteps went past, so I'm assuming it's a seventh year.
Molly's dorm is just past mine. I know that both Molly and Tilly sit up talking all night, all the time. They tell each other everything, and I long for a friendship like that. I don't have one. Louis is my best friend and I tell him most stuff, but we don't talk about my problems that much, especially not to do with guys, because his problems are usually more important. Mostly we discuss gossip, and who we like or don't like, what clothes we're wearing for the next party, what we should do next summer. Florrie is close to me, but I don't know, lately it feels like we're growing apart, and I don't have a clue why. We just aren't so close this year, I guess it's cause I've been busy. Molly and Tilly always have one another. They discuss boys and everything, and family stuff, and they know everything about each other. I'm not like that with anyone. I guess I'm just not that interesting.
Florrie is still being frosty. We were close before all this I guess, but even then we weren't exactly besties. We've never really done the whole sleepover thing,where you share secrets and talk about boys and crushes. Florrie's kind of no nonsense about that sort of thing. She doesn't do swooning, or giggling. That's what I have Louis for!
Those are definite footsteps now, coming up the stairs. They've stopped at my door. I have to go.
Lucy x
A/N: hey everyone! Sorry for not posting in a few days, but I've been staying with my grandma in Windsor! Anyway I just want to thank everyone who reviewed so far! I'm go glad you liked it! And if you haven't yet, please just take a moment of your time to do so! X