Shiver

by blahosaurus

AU The song is all around them, in them, until the sounds are so immense they can’t breathe. Every hair is raised, trembling. This is the shiver feeling. When a moment is so great it's part of everything, and yet at the same time...a mere detail.SasuNaru

10. 9: Treats

Epiphany- Sweeney Todd (Tim Burton style)

Le Disko- Shiny Toy Guns

How We Quit The Forest- Rasputina (or if by some unbelievable miracle you have 'Real Time' by Gwailo, better (album: Gecko Sushi))

Uncomfortably Slow- Newton Faulkner

Standin' in the Rain- Electric Light Orchestra

Thunderstruck

Nine: Treats

I loved Halloween. Who could hate a day filled with free candy, and a perfect opportunity for pranks? It was a chance to dress up as what you wanted, pretend to live as something else with some other purpose for a day. It's always so much easier to act when behind a mask. People experience that fact every day; hiding behind phones and computer screens. We were creating an era of false free speech, spawning the generation of cowards.

It was Kiba and I walking towards the large house, drive-way already filled with teenagers, the heavy bass of the music inside spilling out into the night. A garden ringed the house except for the gravelled front, and people were on the green, dancing or laying or smoking and hallucinating that the music actually made sense, that the air had colours instead of just shades.

"Fuck yeah! This is it, baby, Halloween parties rock," Kiba shouted, and then started howling uproariously, getting into character as a werewolf in shaggy grey hair that covered his body in patches. Behind my mask I laughed. I was dressed in a tight, buckled black outfit I had gotten cheaply in rent through pure charm. A cape fluttered behind me, finished with the mask of V in V for Vendetta. It looked a little awkward since I opted to not wear a wig so that my blond hair stuck out from under cream and black.

The Halloween party was like every other house party a rich teenager throws. Except that, instead of humans, the halls and rooms were filled with monsters and faeries and witches and animals. It was as if any split that existed between world had opened- and wasn't that what Halloween was all about? A joining of the otherworldly with the boring?

The speakers were huge and pumping bass out straight to my ribcage, making the marrow in my bones buzz and the intelligible lyrics spelled out in my lungs. A shiver crawled across my skin, the electricity of the music chasing my blood around my body, producing adrenaline. Today there were no people in shadows, chasing my past. Today I was free.

The inside of the house was a crowded, writhing thing. All ornaments and pictures and tables and chairs had been removed so it was all alcohol and bodies in costumes consuming the air itself. The loudness of the atmosphere seemed to make more oppressive, more alive as Kiba and I tried to find the kitchen where we were meeting the rest of the gang. It was already almost one in the morning and the party was hitting its most popular hours so that we had to push and shove and dance our way through the mass. In a lot of the rooms the lights were off, just some red-tinted lamps lighting the area and it really was as if we were stepping from chaotic world to chaotic world. When we finally reached the kitchen Kiba and I were already panting and sweating from the press of human skin on skin.

The room we managed to find spilled out into the garden so that it was fairly spacious. I grabbed a bottle of Pimms, cracking the top open with ease against a counter and moving towards the group that beckoned us.

"Naruto! Kiiiiiba!" Ino shouted and practically catapulted towards us, dressed in the classical Marilyn Monroe outfit that fluttered around her easily to reveal a lot of thigh. "We've been waiting for you for like 20 minutes!" she said, even though she was laughing. I laughed with her just because her open expression was contagious.

"A lightweight, I see," I said and wasn't surprised, considering her slim build.

"H-hi Naruto," I heard Hinata say, and my eyes widened as I took her in. She was wearing a skin tight, black outfit that stopped mid thigh and balanced on high heels, completed with a curling tail and cat ears.

"Woooaahh, Hinata, what are you wearing?" I said, looking her up and down. Her pale eyes and skin, the black of outfit and hair; the girl was the sexiest thing there. A glance at Kiba's reaction confirmed that he was just short of drooling, jaw opened and staring. Hinata blushed a firetruck red as she stuttered something like 'it wasn't my idea!'. Sakura laughed and slung an arm around her shoulders.

"She's cat-woman. Ino and I dressed her," she said, and any sane teenage boy would have had the mental image of three naked girls dressing each other. I put my finger under my nose to make sure it wasn't bleeding and grinned widely, looking at the pink-haired girl's outfit. Sakura was dressed almost punkily in a short, ripped dress, some knee-high tights and make-up that looked like stitches. I raised an eyebrow at her.

"Sally from The Nightmare Before Christmas," she said, smirking. I smiled back, having moved my mask out of the way so I could drink.

"That is so cool," I complimented. Danny Elfman was a legend. I relied on his music to calm me down when I was having a bad moment, and that used to be a lot before Jiraiya found me. The notes would catch me, a safety net to my suicidal mind.

"Oh my God Shino, what the hell are you wearing?" I heard Kiba exclaim and turned to where he was staring only to choke on the alcohol in my mouth as I saw what the normally quiet boy was wearing; a Pokémon-catcher outfit, with the labels of the game on his clothes, that stupid hat ash always wears and a butterfly catcher in one had.

"I'm a bug pokemon-catcher," he said calmly. Kiba and I looked at each other before collapsing in laughter as Shino quietly glared at our reaction.

"So good..." Kiba practically sobbed as I wiped tears from my eyes.

"What are you guys laughing about? Kiba, are you already drunk?" Choji said and my eyes widened before my grin grew at his outfit.

"Spectacular! Spectacular!" I sang, throwing an arm around his shoulders and taking another gulp from my drink, which I had almost finished. "You like Moulin Rouge then?" I asked the chubby boy who was dressed as Harold Zidler in a red waistcoat and black trousers. He grinned, his red cheeks stretching as he nodded.

"Yep. And V for Vendetta too. And Sweeney Todd," he said, and motioned to the open doors leading to the garden. Confused, I followed his hand, past Shikamaru who had only bothered to wear a T-shirt that said 'in the case of a zombie attack, follow me' and to the figure stepping into the now slightly more crowded kitchen. I felt my eyes widen and my lips part as I saw Sasuke step in, his black eyes meeting mine. He was dressed as the main character of the aforementioned musical, even the white streak in his hair decorating his image. He suited it so well, the pirate-looking shirt, the faded waist coat, the makeup, looked so good in it, that I could feel my arm drop from Choji, and my feet take a step towards him, and yet couldn't connect the movements with anything, as if it weren't me who was doing them. I downed the last of my drink in one and turned away, feeling hotter than I was moments ago, pulling down my mask to hide my expression.

"And who are you supposed to be?" I heard Sasuke say and as I looked at him realised he was talking to me. I stared for a moment before smirking.

"Who is but the form, following the function of what and what I am is a man in a mask!" I exclaimed, dragging quotes from the film. Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"Right, I wasn't asking you to give me an obvious explanation of what I can already see," he retorted. I grinned.

"I was not doubting your powers of observation, I was merely enquiring to the paradox of asking a masked man who he is..." I replied. Sasuke sighed and took a gulp of his drink.

"So you're dressed as an idiot. I'm surprised u needed a costume for that," he said and suggested we go into the next room as he pushed passed me but slowly enough so that I could catch up. Ino agreed loudly and pulled the two other girls forward as Shikamaru sighed, treading along with Chouji and Shino whilst Kiba trotted after Hinata saying things like, 'look, you're a cat, and I'm a werewolf. We match.'

From the corner of my eye I glanced at Sasuke who had a plastic cup in one hand, and decided to pour myself a drink as well, feeling that it would not be a good idea to stay sober throughout the party. I grimaced at the liquid that was more like orange coloured vodka than anything else.

As we entered one of the main rooms, I was lost at once in the focused beat and the sweat and alcohol of dancing.

OoO

I had lost count of how many drinks I had consumed. I had lost count of the hours, of the songs, of the people I'd danced with. I had finally dragged Hinata, tipsy, to dance and her figure was perfect, I found. She wasn't skinny-skinny like Sakura and Ino, but had nice curves and semi-large thighs and danced a lot better than would be expected from such a shy girl. She knew how to move those hips and shoulders without stepping into the extensive world of whoreish. The music was so loud it was inside me, thump-thump-thumping in the movement of the people dancing in the low lights, just faceless creatures. It didn't matter if I was breathing, or if I had my eyes open, because everything was moving anyways, and the intoxication in my veins was making everything incredibly positive and care-free and intense. I could feel my fingers where they gripped Hinata, the atmosphere swallowing me whole as I suddenly pressed her closely and moved with her. Wasn't it a rule that only black and/or gay men could dance in public?

"Dance, dance with me," Kiba's shouting voice cut through our movement and I didn't even think about it. I nodded and laughed and pushed them together and then stumbled away. For a moment I was dancing with some stranger before moving once again, difficult when there was so much pressing and skin and movement. I saw that Ino was on someone's lap, her arms around his arms around his neck and noticed briefly that the hair she was gripping was pink.

I managed to get out, not thinking, not thinking, just walking as people I knew waved and said hi and offered me drinks or food or a dance but finally I felt an only semi-crowded hall where the music was muted. I gazed around for some sense of familiarity between the dizziness and finding nothing I leaned against a wall and closed my eyes. The wall was thrumming. There was a faint ringing in my ears. I was sweaty and hot. I was happy; thoughtlessly, thoughtlessly happy.

"There's a hole in the world like a great black pit
And it's filled with people who are filled with shit
And the vermin of the world inhabit it.
But not for long..." I heard suddenly, after I don't know how many minutes of just standing there. I opened my eyes, knowing that singing, rough voice. There was Sasuke, stumbling into the hall, brandishing a fake razor in one hand. People blinked at him as he snarled at them.

"Alright! You sir, you sir, how about a shave?
Come and visit your good friend Sweeney.
You sir, too sir? Welcome to the grave," he went on, staggering into a wall and then our eyes met through the spaces in my mask. He stopped, pupils wide as if he were trying to swallow me in the gloom of the hallway. All other noise seemed to be muffled, all other feeling, as if it were only the air between him and me that mattered. Slowly, like a predator, he moved towards me.

" I will have vengeance...
I will have salvation," he sang, and his voice reverberated against my skin and I sucked in a breath as the notes filled air and ears and lungs.

"You sir! Anybody!" he said desperately, making a slicing ark with the razor. "Gentlemen now don't be shy!" And suddenly he was beside me, then in front of me. I hadn't moved a muscle. My blood was rushing, rushing, rushing.

I loved his voice.

The wall was hard against my back as I learned against it, smooth, and in my drunken state that surprised me. I blinked at Sasuke, who was closer to me than was expected. His arms were straight on either side of me, palms pressed against the white of the wall.

"Not one man, no, nor ten men.
Nor a hundred can assuage me

I will have you!" He said against me. I could smell the drink on his breath and if I had taken Sasuke as someone who didn't get plastered at these types of things I would have been wrong because he certainly was. It was the most open I had seen him in a purely basic level. Sure having him sing to me, or press against my back at the studio, had been open in another sense, but to have his expression and voluntary breaching of personal space so unprotected at the same time was something different.

It was dark and I felt cornered and yet not in a bad way, I had to admit as I looked through the mask as Sasuke, staring at me. Fragments of awareness were filtering across to me. The hotness of the air. The coolness of the mask. The music pumping, pumping. The dizziness across my senses. The rush of adrenaline. Sasuke nearing me, having me pressed against a wall. How everything was shadows and noise. Gloom, gloom and music. And suddenly,

"Naruto." No more than a breath and his lips pressed against those on the mask. I felt myself, ridiculously, closing my eyes as if it were my skin he was kissing me instead of the plastic thing on my face. I could feel his upper lip catch and drag against the material of my mask before I couldn't feel the pressure of him anymore. My eyes fluttered open to hyper-focus on Sasuke's face, just inches away from mine. My thoughts were going takeyourmaskoff whydidhedothat

Kisshimback kisshimback, but I was dizzy and couldn't move, couldn't breathe.

I raised my hand and placed it on his hip.

I had lost my gloves some time ago and Sasuke didn't have his waistcoat on so that the thin shirt between skins was nothing, but way too much.

I pushed away, fisting the shirt and dragging him behind me.

"What do you think- let go- Naruto-" I heard him but wasn't listening, didn't care what drunk Sasuke was saying.

I shoved him into another room, the music crashing into us again.

"Let's dance," I said, even though through the mask and the sound I'm sure he wouldn't be able to hear me.

Hello little boys, little toys

The music said inside us.
We're the dreams you're believing
Crawling up the walls

I closed my eyes and starting moving to the tempo, feeling Sasuke against me, still, onyl swaying slightly and that was only because all the other people moving also.
Running down your face
Razor sharp, razor clean
Feel the weapon's sensation
On your back...
With loaded guns

"Come on, Sasuke, come on," I said and gripped his hips, moving them against mine. The world was peeling at the edges to leave only us and my dulled, filled senses. The edge was off everything; I felt like agreeing to anything in the world.

Now hold onto me pretty baby

The noise ordered and we followed the words as Sasuke also started dancing along, winding arms around my neck, tilting his head back slightly and the movement seemed so completely vulnerable that I felt myself growling slightly, gripping his hips harder so I could feel the bones against his skin.
If you want to fly
I'm gonna melt the fever, sugar
Rolling back your eyes.

We were chest-to-chest, pressing, rubbing. The breath bounced against my mask to heat my lips. Everything was hot, everything was too close and snippets of the song infiltrated into this world.

We're gonna dance on fire

Sasuke pulled at the hair at the back of my head.
So what's it gonna take?
Silver shadow believer...
Spock rocker with your dirty eyes
It's a chance gonna move
Gonna fuck up your ego
Silly boy gonna make you cry...

I was lost. Nothing mattered, nothing was thought, the world was made of feelings; one after the other, melting together, mixing, overwhelming. Music was everything, pressing against us, moving for us.

Too many people were pushing against us and even before the song was over the dizziness was swamping in and Sasuke wasn't against me anymore, eaten by the mass or the noise and I moved to find him, calling out his name disjointedly but there were no straight thoughts and then the next song had sucked me into its world and I was lost again.

OoO

You know life is hard when the frightening parts of life aren't called nightmares, but nightmares relive the terrible parts of your life. The moment I had woken up, I knew it was going to be a bad day.

Everybody has bad days. Days when everything is more irritating, or when everything seems to turn out badly, or when you don't want to do anything. My bad days, however, were a little different. My bad days were inside my head, projected like a horror movie through my eyes.

I had been to a psychologist in the two years after Jiraiya had found me and I was in Whirlpool, but it hadn't helped. Part of me recognized that it was because I wasn't ready to be helped. The demon that lived inside me couldn't be ripped out; I felt to do that would kill me, even if it was a part of me that I hated.

I had drunk so much on Saturday that on Monday morning I was still a little hung over. I woke up sweaty and tired from the nightmare, and only managed a scarce few hours of fitful sleep that only seemed to make me feel sicker and more tired than when I had gone to bed. That meant than when I got up to prepare for school, not only was my body weary, but so was my mind. I had been obsessing about the pseudo kiss with Sasuke which the drink had made hazy but refused to make me forget. The moment had been...magnetic. It had been wonderful, alive. But now that it was over it had turned into a source of pure anxiety.

Why had he tried to kiss me? Because he was drunk? Because he wanted to? To play with me? How would he act now? Would the drink make him forget it? Would he ignore it or act on it? Was it going to be awkward? How would I feel when I saw him? What would I say? What did I even think about the whole thing? Was it just attraction? Could I trust Sasuke when I knew so little about him? I don't think I could. Did Sasuke even trust me? We were sixteen and yet to me, what we were doing seemed too immature. This playing around without a mention of commitment. The sly glances but no real conversation. With my past, and with my mind, just meeting a handsome boy who made me feel alive in dark hallways crawling with musical waves didn't mean he could fix me, or save me, or find me, or even help me. I wished that how he made me feel when I was pushed against the wall was enough. But it wasn't. If anything, Sasuke was just making me worse.

But after a night of mulling, I didn't even care. It was ironic. When I got up from bed, the very thought of worrying about Sasuke was laughable. I was so tired I felt like curling up and going to sleep and never, even waking up. But I was afraid of sleep, and I was afraid of my empty apartment, and I was afraid of myself because sometimes...

I shook my head, pulling at my wet hair as I dried it, How We Quit the Forest infiltrating into the bathroom. I blinked at my reflection and could feel the skin at around eyes tighten, my lips pull downwards in sadness as I stared. My eyes were red. Not around my eyes or the white of my eyes. The pigment was red. Evil, angry red. My canines were longer, my scars more pronounced. I was staring at a monster. Naruto the monster. One of my many hallucinations. One of my many realities because this was the problem when you were as crazy as me. I never knew what was real and what was not. Was it blue or red? Was I human or something else, some twisted creature forced too far beyond the average threshold of misery to go back to where I started, a boy with a mother that sang instead of talked? A father that laughed with his eyes and a home that was warm and full.

I lived in a world that seemed to betray itself. My dreams, which tasted so much like real life, where they really the nightmares? Or was this breathing, awake self simply my nightmare's nightmare? Where my hallucinations a mirage or were they a rawness of reality no one else could perceive?

I closed my eyes and got out of the bathroom, one last hateful look in red. God, I was so tired.

Someone help me.

Someone save me from myself.

OoO

I counted steps to school, not wanting to slip any father into my mind as I listened to Newton Faulkner play into my ears through pink headphones and to tired receptors and nerves.

I wonder if they know that I
Don't get the jokes but I just
Need to laugh
So don't take my photograph
Cos I don't wanna know how it looks
To feel like this

As I reused my old school routine, I tried not to look at anybody in the face, for when my eyes met theirs a wronged version of them would appear before me and try as I might I couldn't see past it. 'I'm just tired' I kept replying to people's questions, and it was only just barely a lie.

Scarred version of people walked like a parade of past mistakes along the school. Children with missing limbs, teachers with disfigured, lying mouths. Friends with ripping injuries of mossy infection. I felt sick and my hands were trembling throughout the day, though I hid it well. I laughed at all the jokes and smiled at everybody, squinting so that they were blurs, not people who could be deformed by my mind. But as time went past I felt like my edges were shredding and unraveling and soon I would wear down like a pebble turned to dust by the sea.

"Naruto."

Internally, something sighed, but I looked up as a grin stretched my lips.

"Hey, Sasuke," I said, looking at a spot over his shoulder. He must have been purposefully looking for me to find my resting place. It was a downwards hill edged by trees that went down to where Kakashi parked and the primary uniform shop, closed except for one day a week. "What are you doing here?" I asked him, averting my eyes casually. There was the sound of the leaves, a heavy wind dragging heavy looking clouds over us, but Sasuke remained silent. I wanted to look at him and try to figure out what he was thinking through his expression but I couldn't. It wouldn't matter if I looked anyway, I wouldn't see him as he was. My head was a mess of images fragmented with sounds; distorted notes in out-of-tune thoughts. I had just wanted a few minutes by myself and try to pull myself together.

"Forget it," Sasuke said. I tilted my head upwards and saw that he wasn't moving. I let my smile tone down.

"Forget what?" I asked. There was a moment of silence before he let out a sharp breath and shifted slightly.

"About Saturday. Just forget it, ok?" He said and I realized he had logically assumed that my distance was due to the kiss and the dance and the feeling that had been between us which was inexplicable. And, honestly, as much as I had worried about it, I didn't want to deal with that right then. It may have sounded pathetic to have a sixteen, almost seventeen, year old boy to think it but I wanted my mum to hug me. I wanted to not go home to an empty, cold apartment, or go to school to people I had to hide myself from. I wanted to just have someone unconditional who would wrap me in their arms and make me feel like I could be protected.

Oh God, I was so tired.

I squeezed my eyes shut and gave a tight smile.

"Ok, consider it forgotten," I said. I wasn't expecting much of a reply so when silence met my words, followed by a 'hn' and a turning away, I wasn't surprised.

Sasuke seemed like such a strong person but sometimes I could see nothing more than a coward. He fought for the things he wanted but only those he recognized as virtues. Anything that seemed a weakness he pushed away, buried, burned.

It was true strength not when you could push away and deny your weaknesses, but when you could adopt them and still go forwards.

OoO

It seemed that for me, when things were bad, they had to be bad all the way.

I was in Ethics and what of all things did we have to discuss but capital punishment. And of course the offences that lead to the possibility of the death sentence. Child abusers and sex offenders. Murderers, gangsters, thieves, liars. Psychological problems, stress, alcohol, drugs, ambition, business, love. A background for each story, a reason for each background.

It made me sick to my stomach because to these people, words were so easy. Words like kill, and rape, and money, and forgiveness and condemn.

"He should be killed."

"What he did was sick and"

"There is no way anybody can forgive the murder of"

"And those bodies of children they found in the wall"

"All the child abuse cases that went forwards"

"He should be"

"Excuse me," I said suddenly, getting up. I was going to throw up or pass out and the cellos in my mind littered fra

g

ments

of notes into the air and why couldn't they hear it? Why couldn't they feel this horror and why couldn't they understand that-

"Sorry," I stumbled out of the room. Nothing made sense. I was falling apart. A week ago it seemed like everything was going to be ok. I had friends, friends I was starting to trust, and already had given part of me to. Jiraiya and Tsunade were looking after me. I had a neighbor I could depend on, a city I loved and yet...here I was. Breaking apart and who the hell was I supposed to

talk

to?

Who did I say to;

Hell, I'm not quite sane, and your face looks like it's been blown up, and instead of noise I feel music. But can't you hear me breathing? Tell me I'm alive.

For about two hours I sat at the bottom of the little hill, hiding from Kakashi until he drove away. It was cold and gloomy and darkening and I just sat beside the dirty area of trees, staring at nothing, ignoring the drizzle until it turned into full on rain suddenly, pummelling bucketfuls to the ground. I was startled out of my retreat, on this one day when positive was just a little too hard to manage. I would be ok the next day. But as the rain poured, I just let myself

go.

Something inside me snapped, like a rubber band stretched too tightly. I fumbled with my MP3 player, hunching over it to protect it from the water thrown down until I found the right ELO song. A let the instruments play, the notes soaked in water wash (over) me.

I was alive. That's what mattered. I was alive Iwasalive.

I'm standing in the rain
I'm waiting all alone
I'm so tired
I wanna go home.

I tripped forwards, my hair already plastered to my skin, my burning eyes filling with rain and salt. I could do this, I could but I just needed something, a sign an anything, anything...

I'm standing in the rain
Getting soaking wet
I'm doing my best
But what do I get?

I looked up and of course. Of course Sasuke would be standing there and how long? And was this the same coward, or the boy with strength? And what did he want, what was he doing, what, who, what.

I tilted my head upwards and blinked tears at the unravelling clouds. The drums slowed and drifted through me. From the edge of my vision I could see Sasuke walking towards me and I just, just closed my eyes and let the music and the water pour over me as I collapsed against him, clutching his shirt, almost angry because him being there, what did it fix? Or was it the sign I had been looking for, was this the icon I needed telling me I wasn't alone? I pressed my forehead against his shoulders and sobbed and broke and fragmented and let go. And it felt so good, like screaming.

Only that this time, someone was listening.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

A/N

Hey guys. For the ones who didn't realise it, the last 'chapter' was an April
Fool's joke. Gotcha. :D heh heh heh

But yeah, I'm sorry this is late. Did I update last week? How late is this? I can't even remember. I'm totally spaced out at the moment. Bad things are happening to people I love and everything seems to be tinged with the pestering colouring of shit and yeah, I'll try to keep the updates steady despite looming exams. My head is a mess though so do forgive me and send me gentle reminders if I slack. Mergh.

Oh and kudos to my one and only love of my life, my sister 'Every Dog Will Have Its Day' for suggesting and insisting on the hot Halloween scene. She disserves much thanks and praise and will eventually be named a Saint and revered forever and ever amen. Even though she reads gay porn.

Oh well!

See you in hell, guys!

I'll be the one with the crown on ;P