This chapter may be a bit all over the place so I apologize. I will probably have to come back and edit because I am always catching more and more mistakes regardless of how much I proofread. Anyways thank you to everyone that reads this story and enjoy the latest update.
He wanted to approach this day like it was the first day of the rest of his life. Ever since his talk with Paul, Liam was trying to be more positive about things. It was hard and he wasn't going to pretend that it was a struggle but at least he felt as though he was going somewhere, like he was taking a step in the right direction. There were so many times when he had been away for those two years that he had felt constantly stuck and when he took up sailing he often felt stuck in water fighting against the waves as they propelled further and further back into the current, back into the past.
Liam had been unable to shed that event. Wherever he went, Paul followed him, like a ghost, like his other half. And as he began to think about it more and more, why it was that Paul haunted him, seemed to be such a big part of who he was and his identity; it was because people had treated them as though they were the same person their whole lives. They had always been the extension of one another, in the old faded pictures hanging they were always dressed the same, interested in the same things, sharing the same friends. Of course they had been different, Paul was louder and more assertive. Liam had always been the more quite and thoughtful one, but regardless of these clear differences in personality and looks; people viewed them as a packaged deal and so Liam began to believe the same. It was hard trying to shake something that had been so ingrained within his family dynamics since birth.
He stares back at his reflection in the full-length mirror. He had just put on his black tie attire for dinner at his friends Jamie's. He didn't know what to think of the man staring back at him. Was he handsome enough? Did he look happy enough? Was his hair all-wrong? He grabs for his comb to part his hair better, he could be very fussy about things like this even though everyone told him he look attractive without trying.
"Leave it."
Liam looks past his reflection in the mirror in view of his bed. Paul is propped on the edge grinning up at him also dressed in black tie.
"What?" Liam says turning around not knowing how to deal with this encounter. Paul had been visiting his mind and managing to exist outside of it at the same time. It was happening a lot lately and he was beginning to think he was going crazy.
"Leave it. Your hair looks fine. If I was a woman I'd say you'd look absolutely dashing brother."
Liam doesn't say anything at first. He quickly glances at his opened door and decides he better close it before the servants start telling his parents he is talking to the air. He knew they loved to gossip most especially about those who were said to be losing their marbles. Striding forward he closes the door and glances back at the bed half expecting if not hoping Paul would be gone. But he was not; he was staring at Liam with his vibrant blue eyes just making himself comfortable. Liam shakes his head to snap out of it going back to the mirror to adjust his tie.
"You really are coming into your own Lee," Paul whispers his voice so raw with emotion it could make Liam burst into tears.
"Thank you," Liam whispers back, "Am I as handsome as you?"
"Of course if not more," Paul winks before sliding off the bed and walking over to Liam. He places his hand on Liam's shoulder staring at him through the reflection, there identical blue eyes locked with one another.
Liam can't help himself, "Why did you leave us? We need you—"
"Stop that," Paul whispers, "Remember your supposed to be moving forward, supposed to be finding peace. Can't help what's happened, no one can."
"Then why are you here reminding me? If I'm supposed to forget, why are you always around in my mind?"
"You want to understand Liam, that's why you always think of me. That's why I am always in your mind. I'm extension of you, all of you—"
"It isn't the same," Liam says in frustration, "It isn't the same as having you here Paul."
"Remember the story father used to tell us?" Paul cuts him off about Uncle John, him and our Aunt Estella?"
Liam remembers ever since they were little his father and uncle told them all about their younger sister Estella who died when they were all very young. They often got very sad and depressive when they spoke of her, and in his younger years Liam did not understand such sadness not like he did now.
"Yes," he whispers back, " I remember."
The story was simple; the three siblings had spent the whole day together. They had gone to a watering hole against their father's wishes and the water had been too deep for Estella as they swam further out. She had drowned and her death had affected everyone profoundly. It certainly had an influence how Liam's them father had reacted to the death of his eldest son. He didn't say anything for days and days after Paul had died. The first words he ever uttered when he finally found the words to speak were that he never expected it to be Paul that died. Liam had been so offended by this statement, he was already unhinged but his uncle John had sat down and explained to Liam what his father meant.
"Mother and father sat us down, young boys we were and we didn't fully understand
what death was yet, not completely anyways. But nonetheless father he explained to your father and I as best he could that with Estella this was how the world works; one of us dying was inevitable from the start. It wasn't going to be the oldest child, because that's what everyone expects, it's the death that they can handle. Not the middle child because they always reckless and buying time to find their this place in the world. But it has to be the youngest, always the youngest, because the youngest is the one no expects. They are the youngest brightest, the ones that everyone cherishes and bends over backwards to protect. The youngest is the most honest with who they are, the most genuine and good…"
…The youngest is destined to die for a life, a cause, a reason because they are simply too good not to die young, "Liam whispers, "You don't really believe that do you, what uncle John always said? If he were right, if grandfather were right it would Michelle this time."
"But it was me, "Paul says, "It had to be me. And one day you'll see why. But for now, I believe you have a dinner party to get to."
"You annoy me Paul," Liam says, " I hate cryptic."
Paul shrugs his shoulders and there was a knock on the door. Michelle pokes her head in smiling at him.
"Whom are you talking to?" Michelle says glancing around Liam's room suspiciously.
"No one," Liam says quickly smiling at his little sister. Paul was now gone, "Is everything okay?"
"Oh yeah," Michelle says striding over to his bed and plopping down in the exact spot Paul had been sitting. She was slowly starting to show through her dressings, the baby bump was getting big, "I'm just so tired and bored."
"You should come with me to Jamie's dinner," Liam grins, "I am sure he wouldn't mind."
"I wish I could, but I can't. Father won't let me because the doctor demands I rest. And besides Dean is coming over, father and uncle John would like to speak with him."
Liam hated Dean. He hated that boy for getting his poor vulnerable sister pregnant and continuing to treat her poorly after the fact. He thought this whole engagement was a bad idea, but his mother insisted it be done to protect the family honor. However Dean had a horrible reputation about town and would bring nothing but dishonor to Connor family. Not only was Dean a drunk, but he was also a womanizer with horrible work ethic. Liam knew exactly what his father and uncle intended with the meeting. They were going to give Dean a job at their textile factory so that he'd at least have a steady job by time the baby was born. Liam didn't think it truly mattered because the Connor's would all be be banning together to help with Michelle's child once it was born. Liam was against giving Dean a job as was his cousin Tom but they're concerns had been shut down. Now all Liam had was regret for not staying. He wished that he could have protected Michelle more and kept an eye on her so she wouldn't have gone running to bad boys like Dean Hewitt. He would try his best to protect her because like Paul and uncle John said, the youngest was always the most cherished, adored, and the one who was full of life and promise. He wanted only the best things in life for his dear sister.
"Is he staying for dinner?" Liam says going to his closet and retrieving his dress coat and scarf for the outside.
"Father demands it. But I don't want Dean to be mad at me for it later."
"Screw him," says Liam irritated. He did not understand the hold such an unsavory character had over his sister. But he prayed to God that the spell would one day be broken and she'd be free of him, "He is useless."
"He is not!" Michelle says caught off guard by Liam's bitterness, "He's just in a rough place right now. He has no idea what to do about being a father, he's still young."
"You're young! He's twenty one, infact he is a month older than me. He's had ample time to find a job and get himself together," Liam gives his sister an exasperated look. He felt his anger rising again, "I don't know what you see in him Michelle, if we are being honest!"
"And I don't know what you don't see in Carla!," Michelle retorts hitting him where it hurt. She got up in a huff her brown eyes glaring at him, "She's perfect in everyway and yet you still don't give her any credit—"
"It's complicated," Liam says caught off guard, "And it's besides the point. We're not talking about Carla, we're talking about you and Dean."
"Well maybe I don't want to talk about him—"
"Michelle calm down. Can't you see I am just being a concerned brother? That boy is bad news. He doesn't even act like a proper adult."
"You're one to talk! And you know nothing about how he is! You don't know him as you have been gone two goddamn years and only heaven knows where."
"Michelle listen," says Liam shocked by her anger. Perhaps he would just drop things.
"No you listen Liam," Michelle glares, "You were gone two years! You ditched family and you ditched Carla. Maybe everyone else is okay with it, but I'm not. I visited Paul everyday, talking to him and telling everything I felt. Mother didn't want to deal with me, and father put all he had into work. I had no one but Dean, NO ONE! All the times I visited Paul, I often thought you might as well have been buried right next to him, you abandoned us!"
"Michelle," says Liam her words really tore through him breaking his heart. He had no idea she felt this way. He thought she understood he needed to get away, that it had been for the best, " I felt so broken. I wrote you, Michelle. It's not like we didn't keep in touch—"
"And I was grateful for those letters. But it just wasn't the same! And Carla, she used to come over her crying about how you stopped writing. She used to want to always get her hands on mine. Do you know how horrible it felt sticking up for you? How horrible I feel for blaming her about Tony Gordon?"
"What do you mean blaming her about Tony Gordon?" Liam says trying his best to reach for his evading sister and calm her.
"I mean Carla practically held out on his marriage proposal for three months! He wrote her every week pressuring her and pressuring her! And then her mother, well she was well broken by time Sharon Donovan was done with her."
"I'm sorry," Liam, says blinking back tears, "I didn't know… I didn't think."
"Well," whispers Michelle tears streaming well past her cheeks, "Now you know and now you can think! You weren't the only suffering, everyone else suffered in their own way too! And maybe if you weren't so stubborn with things like Dean and Carla you would eyes and see every ones got issues too."
"What can I do to make it up to you? How can I make things right?" Liam says feebly. He knew she was speaking the truth about Carla, it was like Paul had said he had broken her.
"You can stay of my relationship with Dean," Michelle says calming down now. Her voice was steady and concise, "And maybe just maybe I can depend on you to make peace with Carla. It's because of you after all that we no longer speak."
And with that Michelle shakes her head fed up with the sight of him it seems before making her exit to the door and leaving him in silence, guilt and thoughts of Carla. There was nothing new about this beginning, he felt doomed and destined to be without peace forever. He turned his head back to the bed where Paul sat also speechless.
"The youngest is the most precious?" Paul jokes, "Not with that behavior," he smirks, "I sure as hell don't think so."
"Go away Paul," Liam mutters. He was so shocked at Michelle's outburst that he hadn't realized the anger-taking root. He was boiling mad, just angry like he could hurt someone or something. He felt resentment and he knew it was wrong but he blamed Paul for this, it was horrible, but he held his own brothers death against him. It had taken Liam from all the things he wanted, the person he could have been, it had taken Carla.
The next moments are a blur, all of what happened was a blur he was just going through the motions. He wanted to get out of here, to get back that part of him he had been searching for, two years he had spent searching for that part of him that was lost and what did he have to show for it. His eyes drift over his window and the curtains, blooming from the wind and the chill. He knows what he has to do, and what he wants to do. He knows what he wants, her voice is calling to him; the only thing that can make him feel human again.
Liam's body scales the familiar scape of her house, he hoists himself up further and further until he is at her window. He doesn't know what he is doing there and he knows it isn't a good idea, but if he could just be with her for a few moments then maybe he could learn to let go, he could learn how to be human, to truly recover that part of him he has lost. She would understand because she got him like no other, she knew who he really was and who he could be.
With a poem tucked away in his coat, like old times, there little tradition he taps gently on her window. She looks around her room, having been gliding back and forth in fancy evening attire looking for the source of the sound until their eyes lock. And then there is a smile, a faint smile but a smile nonetheless as she rushes forward and slides up her window.
"Liam?" Carla says her green eyes dancing as she helps pull him up through the window and into her bedroom, "What's wrong? What happened?" her look has turned to concern, "What are doing here?"
"Yours is the only place I wanted to be," he whispers on the verge of tears, "No one else would understand."
"Understand what?" she whispers.
And he can feel her heart pounding in her chest. He wants her, and should have never left her.
"Understand what Liam?" she says grabbing for a handkerchief to greet his eventual tears.
"How hard it is to see you and act like I don't love you. I'm tired, I'm so tired—"
She doesn't wait for him to finish. There lips are upon each other and it feels so good, like it has been way too long. And any guilt he feels, Liam quickly pushes away. He was tired of denying himself happiness; tired of being held to guilt and promises he did not wish to keep. Liam did not wish to stay away from Carla anymore and all he could do was lose himself in the moment. The way she held his fingers in hers, and there bodies pressed against one another, he felt like they were lost parts coming back together.
"Things fall apart so better things can fall together."
It was like Paul had said. Things would be different this time and he would better to Carla this time around. Liam wouldn't let things fall apart