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Usually Edward is there in Biology before me, sitting at our shared bench expectantly. Today, I sit there for a couple of minutes before I see any sign of him and when he does come in, he looks vague and almost walks into the desk, a previously unheard of event. He makes it to the bench, throws himself onto the stool and leans onto the surface with his hands over his face.
So much for my romantic fantasies.
The lessons starts as usual. There are a set of slides on each bench and a microscope set up. Usually in Biology when we've been looking at slides, Edward eagerly seizes a slide and sets in the microscope, adjusts it deftly in a couple of seconds, completes a quick look and then sits back, mutely offering me a turn. He's never offered me the chance to set up the slide and I've never argued. Truthfully, I secretly enjoy the expert way he handles the slides and the microscope. Sad but true.
Today however, he clatters around with the slides getting them out of the box and seems to be taking ages with the first one. The first question asks for a high power view and I can see he's only using the 10x.
"Ummm… it's supposed to be the 40x" I say in a low voice and he jumps as if I had hit him and looks at me wildly. It startles me so much that I jump and we both look at each other like little furry creatures on a huge road staring down a gigantic truck.
"Oh, sorry" Edward says eventually and returns to the microscope, changing the lens. I go back to waiting. Edward is adjusting the focus by twiddling that little wheel on the side, and he's turning and turning and turning and … crunch.
The class is quiet enough that I can clearly hear a crunching noise and I know what that means. I've done it myself. Edward has been so close to the slide that he has unknowingly put the lens through it. I tap him on the shoulder and he looks up, seeming confused (not unreasonably, I've never done that before). I gently raise the lens a bit and take out the smashed slide to show him. He actually groans and pushes his stool back from the microscope and just sits there with his head in his hands. Shit, what is wrong with him?
"Edward!" I say. "What's up? One lunchtime in a cupboard and you've gone to pieces!" I'm trying to joke a bit but he jumps up and grabs me by the arm. "What do you know about that?" he asks.
Oh shit 2. Here's the moment for my romantic declaration. Or not. Edward's looking a little psycho and we're in the middle of class. Like the exceptional chicken I am, I shrug and say "Edward, everybody knows… it was on facebook, remember?"
"Oh, yeah" he replies, lets go my arm (bummer) and slumps back on his stool. He waves at the microscope. "Why don't you take over?" he asks glumly. Okay. I go borrow a replacement first slide from Newton and set it up, take a good look at something in the microscope and then turn to my book and make a sketch. Quick glances show me Edward continuing to just sit there with his head on his arms. "Edward, are you - are you finished with this one?" I ask tentatively. I should be happy, this is more words than we've spoken all year if you don't count the exchanges in the cupboard and to be honest, then, we weren't really talking much.
Edward takes a brief look and nods, going back to his lab book and scribbling something, taking about half the time he usually does. What the hell is wrong?
I'm seriously starting to worry here. I feel a bit shaky but underneath that is a general feeling of wellbeing after the amazing makeout session. I actually expected Edward to be grinning cockily or smiling dreamily or something sort of good anyway. Instead it's as if he's a zombie. Shit, I was the one who got bitten!
Thankfully the slides only go for half the class then Mr Banner asks everyone to pack up as he has some video material to show us. As we sit on our stools waiting while the teacher fumbles around with the AV equipment, I say quietly to Edward "You don't seem like your normal self?" making it a question with the tentative upturn of my voice. He looks over at me, directly in the eyes for the first time ever and he hesitates. "I'm fine" he says but I've never heard anything less convincing. "Sure." I reply, "But if it would help you to tell me about it, go ahead" I say neutrally.
Edward looks first doubtful, then desperate. "Well, -" he begins.
All of a sudden the lights go out. "No talking" says Banner and we all shut up.
"Maybe after" whispers Edward.
I just nod, suddenly seized with panic that in the darkness something might seem familiar to him. I wrap my arms around myself and sit hunched up on my stool but my usual preternatural awareness of Edward beside me has been enhanced a thousand fold. I can sense the rise and fall of his chest and now I know what it feels like under my fingers. This audiovisual interlude is nothing short of a disaster. Even if you threatened to shoot me at point blank range (not such a remote possibility in US schools these days), I could not tell you what we were supposed to be watching. Part of me is watching a reel of images from the cupboard (but sort of with sounds and flashes of sensation), while another part cringes at the idea that he might recognize me and I try to make myself as insignificant and unnoticeable as possible, all the while a third part just wants to jump straight on his lap again.
Finally Mr Banner switches on the lights and I am even more terrified that I'm going to turn around and face a look of terrible recognition and recrimination in Edward's eye so I sit mutely looking down for a bit while everyone around us leaps up from their stools, packs up noisily and rushes out the door.
Eventually I pull together the courage to look up. Nope, no blazing glare of betrayal, it's all in my imagination or perhaps in my conscience. Edward is sitting looking at me but doesn't look remotely threatening. If anything, he looks a bit lost. And maybe nervous? I've never seen Edward look remotely nervous about anything.
There are only a few people left in the classroom and even the teacher has left. Edward makes a kind of strangled sound and I look at him in alarm. Is he choking? I hope he's not actually coming down with laryngitis or something because I would swear he and I just shared our entire oral microbiome. No, no sign of choking, he's just clearing his throat.
"Bella?" he asks tentatively. I can feel my shoulders tense up. What next? "I'm sorry about the slides … I'm just … not …" he closes his eyes and shakes his head infinitesimally. My relieved smile could hardly be any wider. "That's OK Edward" I shrug. "I might need to borrow your notes" he adds in the sort of tone in which someone might say "the sky is going to fall in". I have to laugh; obviously Edward doesn't go around borrowing notes very much. I stop laughing quickly when I realize that I will have to borrow someone else's notes so that Edward can borrow mine because I didn't make any decent notes either. Fortunately he adds "Not right now. I couldn't make any sense of anything right now". "Okay" I say softly "Anytime".
There's a slight pause. I make a move to get up from my stool but fall back again abruptly when Edward says "Bella?"
"Yes, Edward?" I prompt.
He looks more uncomfortable than a man sitting on a nest of ants, not that I've ever seen a man sitting on a nest of ants but I was just trying to come up with a suitable simile.
"Bella, what do you know about Jessica and … today's lunchtime?"
Oh God here it is. Entirely too much is the real answer. I can feel that I'm blushing. "Well, just what everyone knows? She offered to meet up with you today in a cupboard and uh..." I don't want to say it, please don't make me say it "I think she said something like 'show you what you were missing'?" Definitely blushing now, but hopefully he'll just think I'm embarrassed to use the horrible clichéd phrase.
Edward nods. "The thing is, Jess walked into a door and spent the whole of lunch in sick bay. I think she's still there".
I summon every inch of acting ability that I possess and ask "So, were you waiting for her all lunchtime?"
Now Edward is looking a little pink but on him, it's spectacularly attractive. "Not exactly" he murmurs and the sound of his voice, all soft like that, gives me goose bumps.
He's frowning as he says "The thing is, that I did meet a girl in the cupboard and she pretended she was Jessica. And now I find out that it was all deception and I don't know what to think".
Oh shit 3: the revenge of shit! Time to play dumb. "She looked like Jessica?" I ask. It's not an unreasonable question.
Edward gives me a look. "It was dark. Very dark." "Oh" I nod. I don't know what to say or do next.
Fortunately Edward continues "She kissed me. I mean… I … we kissed… for a while". He frowns again "And then she just took off. Why would a girl do that?"
Because she's done something spectacularly stupid. Because she doesn't want you to laugh at her. Because she doesn't want Jessica and the rest of those crazy freaks to beat her up out of jealousy.
I shake my head to indicate ignorance. "Why does it bother you?" I ask, genuinely curious. "Because she just kind of used me" he bursts out "I'm not into casual hook ups, I think I've made my position on that pretty clear and this girl just ignored how I might feel about it. " he clams up suddenly with a pained expression.
Oh fuck (I think we're beyond the shit trilogy). I never thought about how Edward might feel. I've sort of sexually assaulted him. I mean, I could legitimately claim that it was mutual at the time but he has a point. What if it were me and some guy pretended he was someone else in order to have sex with me? That would be rape right? Oh my God, what have I done?
I discover that horror and self-loathing is an instant cure for blushing when Edward looks at me and says "Are you okay? You look a bit pale". I give him a tremulous smile. I have to make this up to him somehow. "You know, you could probably find her," I tell him.
Wait, what am I suggesting here? That's the last thing I want to happen!
He's frozen for a minute before he asks "What?"
The words tumble out of me involuntarily "Well, it was probably someone in our year. I mean it was on our facebook page, which is private. I agree someone could have hacked the account or someone with younger siblings could have just told them about it but it was only late the night before. The most likely thing is that it's a girl from our year. You should start there. Our year's not that big. You could find out where everyone was at lunchtime. You don't need to know the whole time just as long as someone was seen during lunchtime somewhere then they can't have been in the cupboard with you…"
I trail away thinking of my own crappy story, which would rest on my meeting with Angela in the library bathroom. I'm trying to convince myself that it would work. I really should have tried resetting the time on her iPhone though, like in an Agatha Christie (but digital).
"Like Hercule Poirot?" Edward startles me by echoing my thoughts so closely. He looks more like himself though and much less miserable. Well, if it helps…
"More like Sherlock Holmes, I think," I tell him. "Less little grey cells and more checking alibis".
He actually laughs. There's a moment between us when he looks at me that feels sort of thrilling and then he leans forward and says "I'm sorry".
I'm not following him. Sorry for what? Actually, it's me who is horribly sorry. I obviously look confused because he quickly adds "For your first Biology lesson. I mean, what I said then. I'd just got used to having the bench to myself and I didn't know anything about you. You've been great though. I wanted to say something before this but after threatening you if you spoke to me, I thought I could hardly start a conversation." He takes a deep breath. "Anyway, yeah, I'm sorry".
I can't help smiling at this. "It's Okay." I say quickly. "I wasn't upset. I mean, I got the message that you just wanted to work hard in Biology. That was fine" I shrug, trying to appear nonchalant.
Then he asks me "Will you help me find this girl, Bella?"
Help you find, charge and convict some evil seductress who is actually myself? Sure. Especially when you smile at me like that.
I am definitely off my nut.