"Uhm, sorry. I was looking for you but apparently.. Sorry," Ben turned to run inside and I stood, hitting Cameron on the chest.
"I had pretty much told you I didn't wanna kiss you. Don't do that. Just 'cause you're cute doesn't mean I want you kissing me," I grabbed my wings and headed inside after Ben.
I looked around and saw Hal nodding to the stairs. A sigh escaped my lips as I walked up them slowly, trying to hear for Ben. I turned the corner and looked in the studio but it was empty. Then I looked in Jimmy's room, empty. Then in my room, empty. That's when I remembered where we used to hide from our parents when we didn't want to be found when we were little.
I walked to my end of the hallway and opened the closet door in front of me. It was a rather large closet, almost like a pantry you find in some kitchens. To us it was a coat closet though.
I closed the door behind me and sat down next to the shadowy figure in the back corner.
"Ben," I began but he cut me off.
"Why were you kissing Cameron of all people? He's dated more girls than I can count. We both know that. You don't need a guy like him."
"Who do I need then?" I was quiet. I was scared and worried and confused.
"I don't know. You've gotta stop going after jerks though. You're fragile enough as it is, there's no way you could handle another popular guy."
"I'm fragile? And last time I checked, I can handle myself just fine."
"But with the way you are, you're on the edge right now. And anything could push you off. I can't stand to see that happen," He looked to me then, the little light coming from under the door shining on his face.
"You're going to be the reason it happens."
I didn't mean to say that. It came out before I had time to think and I didn't know what to do after I'd said it. We were quiet for a little while then. I think I'd hurt his feelings but part of me didn't care. I was overreacting about this whole thing without meaning to and I couldn't stop myself. I was tired of these games.
"Why do we do this sometimes?"
I looked to him, my mind going to a thousand ideas, "Do what?"
"This. Us. We start exploring.. This.. And then we stop. It goes a bit further each time. Why do we do that? Just stop and not talk about it."
"I dunno really. You won't talk, and you know that I won't even think about most of my emotions because they're a lot to handle. Especially relationship ones."
"Well, we need to stop that. It always gets in the way of our friendship. This is usually one of the best nights you have and I've gone and ruined it."
"Oh, no Ben. I mean, okay you kinda made me sad but if anything tonight's been a victory for me."
I gave him a small smile and put my hand on his arm to reassure him.
"How so?"
"I broke up with James. He erm, threatened you and was being a bit forceful with me when I told him I was done with him, but Jimmy punched him," I laughed at that thought. It was odd to talk about Jimmy hurting someone.
"Well, congratulations then. On getting rid of the idiot," Ben's laughter mixed with mine and the mood lightened. I leaned my head on his shoulder and sighed.
"I remember when we used to always hide in here. It was our safe zone. I can't believe you came here tonight."
"I can't believe you remembered. You suck at remembering things," His laughter shook his body as I huffed.
"No! I'm good with remembering things if I want to!"
We were joking around again. That's a good sign, right?
.
I began to understand what he meant by needing to stop with our moods too late. I was with Jimmy on our front porch's rooftop - both him and I could get onto it from a window in our rooms - and I couldn't help but give him a play by play.
"He wants to stop this from happening doesn't he? I mean, I called you out here to have you help me. Almost everyone's asleep anyways, a lot of them in my room. And I needed to talk to you."
"Calm down 'Stella, it's okay, I understand," Jimmy shook his head with a smile on his face, "And I dunno. It kinda sounds like he does but I don't know him well enough to answer that question."
"But that's such crap! That just proves that if we tried to be something more he wouldn't want that to happen. It sounds like it anyways. And he was the one that made the move. He's been the one making the move. So I don't understand."
"And you won't until you give it time to play out. Relationships - real relationships - can't be predicted. Not like friendships and everything else you seem to guess right. You need to learn to trust your heart more," He tapped below my collarbone and I sighed. I didn't want to wait. I wanted to know what to do now. But he was right and I knew he was. I didn't like trusting in my emotions. It scared me to because I knew how exaggerated I always made things. I felt like I was now even, but Jimmy didn't think so. So I left it alone.
"Why hasn't any of your friends come out to find you?" I leaned back against him as he wrapped his blanket around me, "They're always stalking you around here. I feel like they're trying to look into my room actually."
Jimmy's laugh brightened my spirits, "They probably are as we speak. But Lexi would smack anyone she didn't want in there. I doubt that'd be almost any of my friends, but still."
"Hey!" I giggled, "She's not that bad!"
" 'Stella, she slept with half your graduating class when you left. She's a bit desperate for attention."
"As long as you know that doesn't explain her as a person, I'll accept that statement."
"I know she's cool. I'm friends with her. Don't worry I'm not trying to judge the only friend you have that's a girl."
My eyes closed as I nodded, "She really is the only one that feels like a friend anymore. I wish she lived closer."
Jimmy continued to talk with me as I faded into sleep. The last thing I remember was being picked up and carried somewhere.
.
I woke on Jimmy's bed covered in sweat. A blurred face was above me talking as I tried to understand what had happened.
"You were whimpering. Are you okay? What's wrong?" The voice wasn't very familiar right now. It sounded distant though, and I knew what that meant.
"Get Jimmy. Or Hal," I mumbled as I put the blanket over my head, trying to shut everything out. Within a few minutes Hal was walking me to the bathroom and giving me a wet rag. He sat me down on the cold tile in the corner next to our cabinet before going to get a glass of water. I curled into a ball and pushed myself as far as I could into the corner, my face on the rag laying on my knees. I began to feel better, thankfully, when Hal came back.
"You don't look so bad anymore. Here, drink this," He held the glass and I drank from it slowly before coughing. I wanted to down it in one gulp but forced myself not to.
"Thanks Hal," I grumbled as I yawned, "For getting up and not waking Ben and everything."
"Nah, it's cool. You two are fighting. I understand," He laughed as he leaned against the wall next to me, sliding down to sit on the tile as well.
"Not really fighting anymore. Did he say we were?" I drank from the glass again and looked to him.
"Nope, but it sure seems like it. Everyone can tell something's up. What happened anyways? He won't talk about it and Jimmy won't tell me. Did you two finally confess your undying love for each other?" He joked and a smirk found its way across his face.
I shook my head before looking down, "I don't know what happened. He kissed my forehead after us kind of telling each other we like each other without actually saying it, then never talked about it. And I got angry. Then when I saw him with another girl in the hallway laughing and flirting I got mad. Then he got mad when Cameron kissed me. He didn't see me hit Cameron though.. So he doesn't know it wasn't really my idea."
"Wow, major trouble in paradise. Don't worry about him not talking about it, he's gonna do that. He's never talked about you with anyone, ever. Not to sound mean but it doesn't surprise me that he hasn't talked about it with you either."
"But what am I supposed to do? Forget we started to get closer again? It's not the first time things like this have happened. And he's sitting here telling me I need someone better than Cameron and James and the other guys I've talked to him about and then he's flirting with me and then… nothing. Its like he forgets we had a little bit of a curious bump in our relationship. I can't take that. He's my best friend and he's toying with my emotions. You and Jimmy know my feelings for him. I don't, but I know you guys do. You can read me. I can't figure them out because I don't want to. I'm afraid to because I'm afraid to get my hopes up to be with someone like him just to get shot down. If that ruins our friendship I'd hold it against my self forever. This is such drama and I don't like it."
I took a shaky breath to hold in the sobs. I hadn't said that out loud to anyone yet. And it felt good. But it hurt because it forced all the different emotions that were connected to Ben out. And that meant that I was questioning everything again. From our laughs to our hugs to our 'I love you's. I didn't want to think of that. Especially not now.
"You just answered your question 'Stella," Hal's voice was quiet and his smile softer. This was a side to him that was rare, but not impossible to find. He was a very caring person when he let himself be.
"What do you mean?" I looked to him, my brow creased.
"How you feel about him? That answered your question."
I shook my head and huffed, "No, it didn't. That makes the question even harder to answer. There's actions and words telling me I like him as more than a friend, then there's thoughts that tell me I don't. It's more complicated than that."
"Because you're making it complicated - just like everything else in the world. You're overanalyzing this and you're making yourself worse," Jimmy's voice came from the door and we looked up.
"I agree with your little brother," Hal nodded before standing, "And if he's here, I'd like to get some sleep. Good luck Jimmy."
Hal put a hand on Jimmy's shoulder as he passed him before walking off into the dark.
"Sorry whoever it was I talked to didn't get you first.." I whispered as he sat next to me.
"It's fine. I wouldn't get up and they wouldn't explain what was going on. You okay?"
"Yah. I didn't have any problems actually. I felt like I was going to but I dealt with it. I'm getting better," I smiled to my little brother before leaning my head on his shoulder and placing the glass of water on the ground next to me.
"That's good. You want to go back to sleep then?"
I nodded and curled up to him, "Don't leave me this time. Okay?"
"Okay," Jimmy whispered as he put the glass of water on the counter, pulling me to my feet and leading me down the stairs and into the family room. I laid down on the couch and sighed at the comfort before having my head get lifted up, being placed back down in Jimmy's lap.
"Go to bed now. I'm right here," He whispered as he started to play with my hair. My little brother was all I needed and I didn't give him enough credit. He was better than Ben. But his relationship was different.
One thing was for sure though, my little brother was my best friend.