Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)

"Life is more a matter of choosing than knowing.

He could never know the eventual destination of his path,

but he could always choose in which direction to take each step."

-Matthew Stover, Traitor-

Grace

CPOV

"Are you ready, Miss Swan? Is there anything you need?"

The nurse was hovering around Bella as she prepared her for the cytostatic treatment that was sceduled for her today. She was smoothing out her sheets, carrying her a pile of magazines and newspapers, filling up her water cup - the nurse was a true mother hen.

I knew Bella didn't enjoy any fuss. She was shaking her head at the nurse's questions and staring blankly at the wall, looking rather disinterested. The treatment was no special occurence for her, since she had gone through it before. But I could bet that she wasn't looking forward to the side effects the therapy usually caused.

Bella had been awfully quiet all the time I had been in her room today. My shift had begun a half an hour ago, and I had gone straight to see her. She had acknowledged my presence with a small nod as I had entered, but refused to say a word unless she was asked a direct question. Her impassiveness worried me, but I could not blame her for that. I knew she had a lot of things to go through, a lot of feelings and matters to solve and accept. I hoped she could handle the grief I had yesterday caused her to feel and somehow get through it. I would be there to help her in the process, if she accepted me.

If she forgave me.

But I couldn't demand her to forgive me, only humbly beg for it. And if she decided not to grant me that forgiveness, I couldn't blame her for that either. If she was angry with me, I deserved every bit of her wrath.

The nurse began fussing again, bringing my mind back to the current task.

The cytotoxines were usually given through the infusion. The treatment normally lasted a couple of hours, and the patient only had to be still and try to relax. The upcoming days after the therapy were usually harder than the treatment itself. Some patients didn't suffer from side effects while others endured symptoms that were sometimes quite uncomfortable. The cytostatic therapy destroyed not only the harmful cancer cells, but also the healthy ones that defended the body. That was why the patient usually got so sick.

I injected a cannula into the bend of Bella's arm as nurse Owens continued her endless talking. Then I connected a fine tube to the infusion bag that contained the cytotoxin that hopefully would slow down her illness.

"Please tell me if you notice any unusual symptoms, like intense warmth or numbness," I requested as I wrapped a blood pressure cuff around her other arm.

"Okay." Her eyes avoided mine.

The nurse left the room after a while to continue her other duties. Silence fell, and not a very comfortable one. Bella was still staring at the opposite wall and had clearly decided that I didn't exist.

She must be really angry, I thought. It made me awfully sorrowful. I suddenly realised that I had just gotten Bella back into my life, and now I was about to lose her again.

I inhaled sharply, trying to divert my thoughts to something else. I couldn't focus on my own sorrow and needs when I had patients to take care of. It was selfish of me.

Bella had heard my sudden intake of breath and was now gazing at me. To my surprise, she didn't look resentful. There was only sorrow, loss and something like worry in her chocolate brown eyes.

"How are you feeling?" I asked. "This won't take much longer, it'll be over soon. Do you want me to get you anything, ice cubes, water? Or do you want to listen to music, I could get you headphones..." I stopped when I realised that I was rambling. I fell silent, snapping my mouth shut.

"You're almost as bad as Nurse Owens." She sounded almost amused.

After that, the silence was much more easier to handle. I wanted to apologize to her, to spill out my guts about my guilt and all those other things that had haunted me all these years. But I sensed that she wasn't in the mood to talk right now. And in any case, it would have been thoughtless of me to burden her with such things. She had enough things on her mind right now, important matters she needed to process.

So I just sat down, remaining quiet as I pretended to read a newspaper.

Remaining quiet was surprisingly difficult. I tried to keep my mind occupied with something, but it ended up being as hard as remaining silent. The clock was ticking loudly on the wall, and I focused on the sound, only to discover that after a few minutes it was getting irritating. The next sound I focused on was Bella's heartbeat - this sound of it was much more pleasant, and I knew that as long as I got to hear her steady heartbeat, I'd be content.

I hadn't realised that I had closed my eyes to prevent any visual distractions that might disturb me.

"What are you thinking?"

Bella's sudden question somehow managed to startle me. It was very hard to surprise a vampire, but Bella seemed to master the challenge quite well. Suppressing a smile that came from the thought, I opened my eyes to see hers.

Her eyes held many emotions; there was even a twinkle of curiosity in them. But what confused me was the concern in her brown irises. Was she concerned about me?

"Nothing significant," I answered, lying smoothly. A small frown creased Bella's brow, and she seemingly didn't believe my words any more than I did.

I noticed that the drip bag was nearly empty now, and I swiftly got up to take it down. Then I removed the cannula from her pale arm.

"I'm sorry," I apologized when she hissed quietly.

"It's okay," she whispered. At least she was talking to me now, acknowledging my words. It was a start.

I was about to ask her about her welfare when the nurse stormed in, rushing me out of the room because of some sort of an emergency down the hall. Nurse Owens took my place in Bella's room, making sure that Bella had everything she needed.

The emergency involved a middle aged man with a heart failure. He was rushed into the surgery, and I had no choice but to participate. By the time I was released from my other duties, Bella had already fallen asleep. It was a late afternoon, and I had a few hours of free time until my night shift would start. I made sure that everything was in order, and then I left Bella to get some much needed rest. The wish to stay and be there in case she woke up was compelling, but there was something that had come up a few minutes ago.

I had stopped by in my office to retrieve a patient file when I had noticed that someone had left me a voicemail.

It had been Alice asking how I was. I hadn't heard from her in months, and now she just happened to call right after I had reunited with her former best friend. A part of me wondered if it was only a coincidence. But Alice's voice had been highlighted with politeness, and it didn't sound like her at all.

Had she seen me and Bella in her visions? Would she be angry with me for not telling her? She could be pretty frightening when she wanted to be. The tiny, fairy-like, endearing creature could transform into a bloodthirsty vampire in a split of a second. I had seen it happen before.

I wanted to tell her about Bella - I wanted her to come and visit her and make her happy in a way that I couldn't. If only Bella wanted her to come. I knew I had to talk her about it when the time was right.

Burying myself in these thoughts, I stepped outside into the afternoon air. It was raining heavily, and I noticed that a gust of wind had stolen someone's umbrella. It whirled around the hospital parking lot and I caught it easily, then turning to look around for someone who was missing the wet, muddy object.

As I was shaking off the water and dirt from the umbrella, I heard someone approaching with hasty steps. I turned to see a young, blonde woman rushing towards me, looking quite drenched.

I waved the umbrella at her direction. "Did you lose this?" I asked.

The woman laughed, clearly relieved that she'd found her umbrella. "Yeah," she answered breathlessly, approaching me. "The wind tore it from my grasp. Thank y -"

Then she looked at me, really looked at me for the first time since we had started our word exchange. I must have looked quite spooky in the rainy, darkening afternoon, with my strange golden yellow eyes and the chalky white skin. I guess some people still had self-preservation instincts. They didn't know they had crossed paths with a deadly predator, but they definitely could sense something. This woman certainly felt it, although she couldn't tell what it was.

"Thank you, sir." I gave her the umbrella and smiled quickly as a response. The woman was in a hurry to get away.

For a moment I felt bad, frightening her like that, albeit it had been unintentional. As I got into my car, I realized that Bella had never looked at me or the other memebers of my family in such manner. She hadn't thought of us as monsters, and she had even been ready to become one of us without hesitation. She truly was a special person.

"Carlisle, you couldn't be damned. You couldn't, it's impossible."

"Thank you, Bella. You've always been very... gracious about us."

I smiled at the memory. For some reason, it encouraged me to dig the cell phone from my pocket and send a short text message to Alice. When the right moment presented itself, I would give her a better explanation she surely deserved.

"Alice," I wrote. "I apologize for the silence. I've been very busy with the hospital. Give Jasper my greetings. I'll call you soon. Carlisle."

I could almost picture Alice throwing her cell phone through a wall in frustration.

A/N: The quotes:

"Carlisle, you couldn't be damned. You couldn't, it's impossible."

"Thank you, Bella. You've always been very... gracious about us."

are from the movie New Moon.