A/N: I know, I know! You thought I was dead, right! But I am still here! See! If anyone wants the boring list of excuses, well, message me I suppose, but I promise it's boring!
I am too scared to promise, but I am very hopeful that the next update won't be terribly far off! The previous chapters are updated as well, though it's only word tweaks and spelling corrections, plot remains exactly the same, and that I do promise!
Oh, if you are a fan of this lil fic of mine, you might wanna go ahead and thank clickclaire for the very kind pm she sent me that kicked my motivation into gear and ended months worth of procrastination with just two short days of writing! :D (I would like to extend another 'thank you' to her myself!)
Myx Nyx, I think you need a shout out too, just for puttin' up with my butt and being cool.
And thank you to everyone who was still reading and reviewing despite the extended hiatus, I really always appreciate the kind and constrictive words! I NEVER thought I could possibly take this long to update, and I hope you little dearlings can forgive me! For that matter, I hope that you are all still around... Well, those that are still around, if you should happen to care to leave a wee little review for me, you know you'll be held in the most highest-est place in my heart! :D
Ok, ok I'm done! Enjoy! XoXo
As it turned out, making the decision was the easy part. It was the execution of said decision that was proving to be quite difficult. Not that I doubted myself; I knew this was what I wanted to do. It's what I needed to do. What I seemed to be lacking now was the courage to follow through, like working up the nerve to introduce yourself to that boy or girl at the bar. I just needed time.
It had been a week since Catherine left, though she'd kept her word, calling every other day like clockwork. Between calls she'd text, mostly innocuous comments like, "The boys say hi," or, "This case is a disaster." Impersonal as they may have seemed, the simple fact that she wanted to keep the lines of communication open made me light up inside. I'd even taken to carrying my phone around in my back pocket, waiting for the next communication like an addict itching for their next fix.
The days were getting longer now, the sun waking me up earlier each morning in my curtain-less room. It was just past 8am, and already I found myself perched on my balcony, coffee at my side, cigarette and open cell phone in hand. The backlight on the phone went out, yet again, as I tried to convince myself to make the call I'd been putting off for the last week. I turned it back on, staring at the ominous number on the screen. All I had to do was press the dial key, and the hardest part would be over.
I startled when the phone began to vibrate in my hand, feeling the now familiar pounding of my heart when I saw Catherine's number calling. I grinned around deep breaths, trying to calm the twisting in my gut. She usually called me in the evening, on her way to work. She'd never called me in the morning before, not to mention I'd only just talked to her the previous night. Realizing I was contemplating the circumstances of the call a little too long, I quickly answered before it could go to voicemail.
"Hey," I said coolly, trying to sound collected rather then elated.
"Hey," she echoed back. "I didn't wake you, did I?"
Like I wouldn't have gladly woken up for her. "No, I was up," I assured her. Wanting to be sure there wasn't an urgent reason for this out of place call, I asked, "Everything okay?"
"Technically speaking, yes," she sighed. "Long shift. I just wanted to call and… say 'hi'… again," she finished, sounding like someone who just realized they hadn't thoroughly thought out their plan before executing it. My heart clenched at her sheepishness, while I fought back the very uncharacteristic giggle I felt in the back of my throat.
"I'm always glad to hear from you, Catherine." I grimaced a little at the flirtatious implications of my tone, though I was still too giddy to give it much thought.
"Yeah? Alright then, good. That's good," she babbled slightly, sounding almost relieved. My relationship with Catherine was becoming more of a mystery every day. On the one hand, it was firmly engraved in my brain that she couldn't possibly ever be attracted to me. Then, she had to go and do something adorable, like babble nervously over calling to chat, making that little voice in my head whisper, Maybe, just maybe…
Now was obviously not the moment to be contemplating such things, realizing I'd spaced out as I asked Catherine to repeat herself.
"I just asked what's new with you," she supplied.
"Since last night?" I chuckled. "I've been asleep, Cath."
"Right, I forgot," she puffed. "Sorry."
As endearing as her nerves were, I was starting to get concerned the longer they went on. It was just a little too out of character. "Are you sure everything's alright?"
"Of course, why wouldn't it be?" she said innocently. I told her she seemed off, which she lamely chalked up to being tired. Before I could push it further, she started talking again. "Hey, Sara? I know I said I wouldn't push you, and I'm really not. I was just wondering… Have you given anymore thought to coming back?"
"Is that why you called?" I was slightly disappointed, much preferring the idea that she just really wanted to talk to me without an agenda.
"No! Of course not," she corrected quickly, lifting my spirits up again. "It just popped into my head — I shouldn't have even brought it up. I've just been wondering, and…"
"I've been thinking about it," I cut in to save her from more rambling.
"And?" she asked hopefully. I wanted to tell her, to put her out of her misery, but I just couldn't yet.
"And… I need more time," I replied cowardly.
Catherine gave a little snort. "I don't know how much more time Ecklie will let me wait on you, Sara," she informed me sharply, sounding like the Catherine I knew once again.
"I'm really sorry, Cat," I whispered. "I don't mean to make things harder on you, honestly."
"I know," the sharpness was gone from her voice. "And likewise. I just," she sighed, her voice dropping down to a whisper as well, "I really wish you were here."
I bit my lip, unsure how to respond to the desperation in her tone. Did she wish I was there with her, or just there to pick up the slack? It was obvious which I would have liked it to be, though really either scenario was feasible, and each warranted entirely an different reply.
Again, I debated too long.
"Look, I can let you go if you want," she said half-heartedly.
"No," I jumped, checking myself before trying again more calmly. "I mean — you don't have to."
"Good," her tone lightened again. "Although, I fear we may have nearly exhausted the list of conversation topics… That is, unless you had any good dreams last night you'd like to share?"
In the space of one phone call, she'd gone from nervous, to aggravated, to melancholy, now to settle on seductive. Why she insisted on using that voice on me I wasn't sure, though I suspected it had something to do with the universe wishing to torment me. It was on rare occasions such as this that I actually found myself being thankful for the miles and hours between us; at least over the phone, she couldn't see that my face was burning red. There were definitely a few dreams I could share. I most certainly wasn't planning on actually divulging any.
Instead of revealing my bashful side, I laughed. "Nothing in particular. Why, do you?" I turned the question back on her.
"Hmm," she pretended to think. "Maybe. But none that would be appropriate to disclose with my teenage daughter in the room." My jaw dropped, and I barely registered an amused, "Oh, don't give me that look," that was obviously not directed at me.
"Uh, tell Lindsey 'hey,' for me," I said hazily, wondering if I should believe the fluttering in my stomach that told me Catherine had just blatantly flirted with me. I heard a muffled, "Hey, Sara," from somewhere in the background, before Catherine had even relayed my message. I immediately began a mental checklist of everything I'd said in the conversation, ensuring the younger Willows hadn't overheard anything incriminating. Concluding that I had indeed behaved myself, I heard Lindsey bid her mother farewell, presumably off to school.
Catherine sighed. "Well, as much as I'd rather stay up and chat, I suppose I ought to try and catch a couple hours of sleep."
"Yeah, you really should," I agreed sympathetically, not really wanting her to go, but vividly recalling the grueling hours our work entailed. To be a mother, the team supervisor, and not to mention understaffed — quite frankly, I wasn't sure how she managed it all. It was just another bullet point on the infinite list of things that made Catherine amazing.
"Alright," she yawned, the idea of sleep apparently becoming quite appealing. "Talk to you soon?"
"Of course." I swear she could have actually heard my grin at the thought of her next call. "Sweet dreams," I teased, sounding much less sarcastic and, again, much more flirtatious than I meant to.
I knew I was in trouble at the little hum she gave before replying, "Sweeter if you were here," in her overtly 'come-hither' tone.
"Catherine!" I gasped, not quite believing she had just taken it to that level. I still wasn't sure if she thought this was just our little game, throwing sexual innuendos back and forth for shits and giggles, or if she was truly trying to be seductive. Even if she was flirting on purpose, there was always the possibility that that was all the further she ever intended to take it, aside from her last night here. My mind raced through this same list of possibilities every time she said something like that, leaving my mouth paralyzed, and once again I sat speechless as she chuckled at my outburst.
"Bye, Sara," she finally called in a sugar coated voice.
"Bye," I squeaked back, though I'm not entirely sure I managed to do so before the line went dead.
If talking to Catherine was my addiction, hanging up was coming down from the high. Even as much as I yearned just to hear her voice, I knew that afterward I would, in some ways, feel worse than before. Somehow I would miss her even more, without even seeing her I would have found new things to miss. A new glimmer of hope would present itself to me, elating me briefly before becoming just another fire I had to struggle to snuff out.
This time, though, something was different. I couldn't put my finger on what it was exactly — the timing of the call, her nerves, or her seemingly blatantflirtation. Perhaps it was a combination of all three, though really it didn't matter what the cause was. Either way, the fact remained that this particular flame refused to be extinguished.
I chastised myself for allowing this hopeful feeling to curse through me, knowing I could very well be setting myself up for the ultimate heartache. Despite my persistent mental scolding, the feeling remained, infusing me with the sense of courage that I had been seeking for the better part of a week.
That number was back on my screen, glaring at me, daring me to press the call button. To say I felt bold was not to say I wasn't still scared; I was terrified out of my mind. This could all go to hell so quickly, and then what?
Fear was beginning to wriggle its way back to the forefront. If I was ever going to make this call, the time was now or it would never happen. Certain I was about to lose my nerve, I jammed my thumb down on the 'send' key with more force than necessary, using every ounce of willpower I possessed to bring the phone up to my ear and keep it there. With each ring that passed unanswered, that voice in my head kept telling me, You can still hang up, there's still time to back out.
After four rings, my stomach lurched, hearing the faint crackling on the other end of the line that told me someone had picked up.
"This is Ecklie."
No time to back out now. I took a deep breath, hoping I hadn't lost the ability to switch it over to business-mode.
"Hello, Conrad."
He paused briefly, I presume taking a moment to place my voice. "Sara Sidle," he sneered once he had. "I must admit, I never thought I'd actually be glad to hear from you."
Good to know he hadn't changed a bit. "Heartfelt, Ecklie," I said dryly, "Really, I'm touched."
"Let's skip the pleasantries, Sidle. All I want to hear is that you're coming back, so I can see the end of these 'Catherine the Sidle Hunter' missions CSI Willows has apparently deemed a part of her job description."
For the second time I wondered just how many of these 'missions' had taken place, but now was not the time to ask.
"Yes," I replied, finding the response came much easier than I had expected. "I want to come back. To the night shift, that is."
He chuckled humorlessly. "After what I've dealt with, you'd have a hell of a time getting me to place you anywhere else. How soon can you start?"
I was surprised to find that Ecklie was not just willing, but apparently eager to get me back. I smiled to myself, thinking Catherine must have really put him through the ringer.
"I can be on a plane tomorrow," I offered, shocking myself a little. I hadn't expected this all to fall into place so quickly; I thought I'd have just a little more time.
"Great, do it," he barked, though I decided to let the commanding tone slide — just this once. "Paperwork will all be filled out by the time you arrive. Stop by my office first thing Monday night, sign it, and we can all get back to work… finally."
I knew I shouldn't needle, but Ecklie wouldn't technically be my boss again for another three days, and I couldn't resist the opportunity. "Gee, Conrad. Sounds like Catherine's really got you pinned under her dainty little thumb there."
"You ever tried telling that woman 'no', Sidle?" he grumbled.
"As a matter of fact, I have," I replied.
"And how'd that work out for you?"
I laughed. It didn't work out well; telling Catherine 'no' never did.
"I'll see you Monday, Conrad."
"That well, huh?" he replied snidely. "Monday it is then."
Just as I was about to end the call, another thought occurred to me. "Ecklie, wait, one more thing," I jumped before he disappeared. "Do me a favor… Don't tell the team — or Catherine — that I'm coming just yet?"
"Fine. You can make your surprise grand entrance Monday night. Goodbye, Sara."
"Thank you," I said quickly before I hung up the phone.
My hands shook a little when I went to light another cigarette, for the first time out of excitement more than nerves.
Three days… I was going to see Catherine again in just three days.
For the moment, it almost didn't seem to matter where our relationship stood, because, if nothing else, I got to see her. I was fairly certain, after our recent time together, I would also get to hug her, to hold her for even that brief moment, to feel her tiny body in my arms and smell her hair.
It was funny to me, after all my years being married to the job, that Catherine had now become the one aspect I looked forward to above everything. I loved being a CSI; I loved Vegas, even with its flaws; Greg was my best friend, and Nick was a close second. I waited in anticipation for all of it, but still it was Catherine that had somehow leaped forth from the tail end and taken a commanding lead. Though, she'd never truly been in last place; to be honest, I guess it had just taken me all those years to realize she was even in the race. Whether or not she was actually competing was a whole other question.
I hadn't really intended to make a 'surprise grand entrance'; I had just wanted to be the one to tell Catherine. Now though, the idea didn't sound half bad, condescending as Ecklie may have intended to be. I wouldn't have to call each of the boys to let them know, I wouldn't have to worry that I'd forgotten anyone. Best of all, though: I would get to see the look on Catherine's face when I told her. Not to mention, it's a lot harder to chicken out face-to-face than it is over the phone. So, I decided, a surprise it would be.
I stubbed out my cigarette without finishing, suddenly feeling like I had more to do than time to do it. I needed to pack, and schedule a flight. Having never officially unpacked certainly made that task easier, as did my haphazardly throwing possessions back into boxes a week ago. Still, I needed to prepare.
As I stepped back into the apartment I had never truly settled into, it really hit me: I was going back to Vegas. Back to Catherine.
I was going home.