Ten

Being the good Baptist man he was, Cletus never indulged in drugs. He wasn't like those Catholics who got drunk on bread. However, Cletus' religious fanaticism wasn't as much of his reason for abstinence, as was his utter stupidity. He thought that 'marijuana' was a Spanish girl's name, which got him in a lot of trouble when he met Tibby's Puerto Rican friend that one time...

Being high on pot brownies was an entirely new experience for Cletus.

"I looooooove chocolate," he said. "I understand why females eat it when they bleed out of their smooth fronts. SOOOO GOOD. I'm like a fuckin' fat kid eating all of the chocolate meant for the bake sale. Like BINKY BARNES."

"Hey!" Binky yelled. "What did I do?!"

"You are a male who likes male parts. You are the son of Satan."

Then, Binky transformed into the Devil himself. Not the lite South Park version, but the actual Satan. He breathed fire at Cletus.

"JESUS DIDN'T DIE FOR THIS!" Cletus screamed. "I'LL BE SAVED DURING THE RAPTURE BECAUSE I'M A GOOD MAN."

Satan went over to Cletus and started gnawing on his face - probably inspired by that one guy in Miami who was high on bath salts and ate that one guy's face back in 2012.

"I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL FACE. GOD, SAVE ME!"

Then, D.W. transformed into a deity.

"Is that you, God?"

"No, you fuckin' dumbass. I'm an angel. I died because I underwent female circumcision."

"Will you save me?" asked Cletus, whose face was bloodied, with eyes dangling outside of the sockets.

"No. You're too ugly to be an angel. I'd rather save Satan over here." Satan was too busy chewing on Cletus' left eyeball.

"Thanks for the compliment."

Then, everyone at the party morphed into Satan's accomplices. Their red tridents were aimed at Cletus, and Cletus only. But the words launched at him hurt much more than his physical wounds.

"YOU WANT MY DICK CUT OFF!"

"YOU'RE TOO OLD FOR SCHOOL!"

"MR. RATBURN WOULDN'T BE IN JAIL IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU!"

"YOU KILLED MRS. MACGRADY!"

"YOU'RE GOING TO HELL!"

Cletus screamed and cried as Satan's servants addressed his fate.

"LORD, FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS!"

Meanwhile, the entire party was fixated on Cletus being high on pot brownies. He must have had a lot of marijuana in his system, because that guy was insane. He thought he was being killed by Satan.

"Arthur, what's a satin?" D.W. asked.

"Something you shoudn't know until you're in third grade."

"You're a little bitch, Arthur." D.W. retorted, flipping him off while she started twerking to Kanye again.

Arthur punched D.W., somehow not learning his lesson from that one time. She crashed into Papa Bear Cletus, landing right into his gut.

"EWWWWWW!" D.W. screamed. "Why'd you make me land into the pervert?"

"How does your sister know all of that vomitroucious language?" Muffy scoffed. "That's what happens when you're raised by a slut and a wannabe Gordon Ramsay."

Arthur was already high on adrenaline, so he roundhouse kicked Muffy, who also landed on Cletus' tummy.

"DON'T YOU DARE SHIT TALK MY PARENTS! YOUR DAD'S A FRAUD!"

Muffy got up from Cletus, readjusting her braids so she could look cute when fighting.

"MY DADDY HAS MONEY!" Muffy screamed, running toward Arthur like a feral animal.

She clawed at him, and Arthur retaliated. People started throwing money at them, placing bets on who'd win.

"Arthur has glasses, so that means he's smart."

"Muffy has a better defense."

"Arthur punched his sister into the redneck."

"Muffy could get off of the redneck, the kid sister's still over there crying."

"So how is that Arthur's fault?"

"Muffy has better genetics."

The banter went on, until finally, one of the contestants took their last dying breath. It was like the Hunger Games. And the rest of the partiers were like the Capitol, enabling these children to murder one another.

The dying contestant looked up at the ceiling, crying.

"I love you so much, Francine."

Sue Ellen was so surprised, since she and Francine had always had tension.

"Remember when we had the same birthday, but my party was better?"

The dying third grader spouted out memories of their time at Lakewood Elementary.

And then, Mary Alice Crosswire died.

Francine laughed. "That bitch loved me? PLEASE! She was so catty. Hopefully she'll rot in hell."

"I mean, at least I don't have to worry about you and Arthur being in love anymore," Sue Ellen reasoned. "You obviously play for the other team."

"I am NOT a dyke!" Francine screamed. "And I love Arthur!"

Before Francine could commit the second homicide of the night, Rattles facetiously coughed.

"Excuse me, but you know all of this is going on YouTube, right?" he condescendingly said. "So you better get yo shit together, missy. And Cletus is way more interesting than you third graders."

Rattles walked over to Cletus, acting like he was filming a nature documentary. Cletus was passed out by now, and D.W. was asleep because it was way past her bedtime. This was the most hilarious prank Rattles Ciccone had ever pulled in his life.

"Hey!" Arthur exclaimed. "Why didn't you tell me this was going on YouTube!"

This was definitely more of a crack-fic chapter, but I thought the writing style should reflect the plot. I mean, Cletus is HIGH for fuck's sake! That's your glimpse at an elementary school party.

Next chapter, we're going back to school on Monday. And beware for gym class...DUN DUN DUN.

Until next time, loyal fans!

~ TTW