The thought of buying lingerie in a shop was intimidating. The thought of buying the kind of lingere she had imagined buying was out of the question. And so, Rey bought a roll of stretchy wide black elastic and black ribbons and got to work. It had to be black, because that was Ben's colour. She formed loops of the elastic to go around the tops of her thighs and waist, tying strategic ribbons from the taut fabric, and fastening them in an approximation of the outfits she had seen online. She already knew that Ben's parents weren't coming to him graduation, both travelling at the time. She knew because he had given her a ticket and asked her to come. She would attend alongside his tutor, the man who he had been at his side since he was a boy. She knew Ben wouldn't be attending any of the parties afterwards, and decided that Graduation would be the perfect night.
That morning, she hovered by the window nervously. She was all dressed, a knee length floral dress she'd found cheaply, liking the sweet pattern, even though it was a little old fashioned. Her hair had been encouraged into big loose curls, and for the first time, she had gone through her little make up routine.
She was watching for Ben's car, because the last thing she wanted was for him and Jack to figure out that she'd lied to both of them about her plans afterwards.
She had an overnight bag with her, small and discreet, as small as most girls handbags. Ben thought they would hangout after the ceremony and then he'd bring her home. Jack thought Ben was dropping her off at Rose' after the ceremony.
She saw the glint of sun off the glass of the car, slowly coming up the drive, and raced out. She bounded down the path with all of her usual athletic exuberance, and grinned at Ben as he stepped out. He was wearing a button down white shirt, tie and black suit. It looked strange to see him out of a hoodie or t-shirt.
"You look weird" she said immediately.
"And there I was going for dashing." He smiled back, his eyes hidden behind his sunglasses. He stared at her a touch too long, and she folded her arms over her chest.
"Well, is this ok?" she demanded, suddenly worried how her bargain bin outfit would fit in at the exclusive graduation of St Augustines.
"You look perfect" he said quietly, and she felt her heart squeeze. He opened the back door for her and she slid in, seeing the back of an older man's head in front of her.
"Hi, I'm Rey" she said, leaning around to stick her hand out. The man looked down at the proffered gesture, before shaking her hand with the tip of his fingers awkwardly.
"I'm professor Snoke"
"I know, I've heard so much about you" she said, putting her seatbelt on, and seeing Ben's eyes flash to her in the mirror.
"As I have you, my dear" the older man murmured, and for some reason, Rey didn't think it was a compliment.
The set up for the ceremony was outside, with the breathtaking façade of St Augustine's a backdrop. Ben left them in their assigned seats, second row from the front, and went to take his place with the other students. Rey looked at the programme in her hand, the beautiful view, the red sandstone fo the school in sharp contrast to the cornflower sky. The sun was beating down on them, and she felt sweat start to bead her lip. She hated being too hot. It reminded her of the endnless summers of the city, following her mother from air-conditioned cafés, to cool dark bars and sometimes even the movies. Anywhere to escape the heat. Those had been the good days, when they's drank cool sodas and lay in the shadows of the park all afternoon. The other days, when her mother couldn't or wouldn't get out of bed were the bad memories. Stuffy apartments without even a window to crack, as painted or nailed shut as they were. Warm, metallic water from the tap and the sticky feeling of all your clothes sliding against sweat soaked skin, even your fingers smearing the paper pages of a book. She turned to Snoke to see him watching her with narrowed eyes.
"Have you adjusted.. young Rey, to this life of privilege thrust upon you?" he asked suddenly, eerily close to her previous thoughts.
"I don't know." She thought about it and then shook her head.
"No, I haven't, I don't think I ever really will."
"Yes, once you have seen beyond the veil, there is no true return to ignorance. The world is a dark place, full of suffering. These students will never understand how little separates them from the rest." Snoke said.
"What about Ben?"
"Ben understands that there is much he cannot understand without greater experiences. To free yourself of society and its judgements, to liberate yourself from the chains of morality and arbitrary rules and laws, is to be truly free" Snoke said. Rey glanced at him.
"But – without morality, what would we do?" she asked, confused by the turn of the conversation. She had the feeling he was judging her every response, weighing her intellect and comprehension, and there was a sickening urge to please him, even as she didn't particularly agree with his words.
"Whatever we wanted" he finished, and broke his low stare to look at the podium, where the Principle had just stepped up.
She watched Hux graduate, hating his smug smile as he accepted his diploma. She clapped as Catherine Phasma collected hers. Then, Ben was stepping onto the stage. He turned and found her eyes in the crowd, a small smile on his lips, she raised her phone and took an actual picture for once.
Afterwards, they got back into his car, the other student dispersing with parents in various vehicles to go for lunches and parties.
Snoke had invited Rey to accompany them to lunch, which he was hosting. They drove there in near silence, and Rey couldn't hear the quiet words exchanged between Ben and his teacher in the front of the car.
The place Snoke took them to was strange. It was in a basement for one, and as they descened the stone steps outside, Rey hated the way the light diminished. Inside there waa a heavy and sullen energy, and as she sat in the heavy, red velvet chair, she looked around and saw few other people. There was so much red, in this room, she had trouble distinguishing the heavy brocade wall paper from the velvet curtains separating a stage that the end. It seemed to be a night club, and had that strange feeling of being somewhere you're not supposed to be, like it should only be alive at night, and being there at lunchtime was disobeying its wishes.
Rey picked at her food, her mind drifting in and out of the conversation. They were talking about advances in a chemical process, something about rendering a solid into a gas by using kinetic energy and not another chemical as an activator, with the aim of efficiency and speed. She found ti incredibly boring. She took a sip of the drink by her hand and almost choked. It was fruity and strong, and without a doubt, she knew it had alcolhol in it. She looked to Snoke who was watching her unsophicated reaction with the slightest hint of distant.
"Sorry, I've never had… wine before" she explained, rubbing her mouth on her napkin, and wishing she could scrub her tongue as well.
"It is quite the common practice in European countries, to accompany meals, in children as young as 14. It is really quite an American practice, to infantilize children well beyond their years, 21, it beggars belief." Snoke was saying. Rey watched as Ben sipped his own glass, though it seemed dutiful to her.
"You don't have to drink it, if you don't like it" Ben said to her.
"Though, it would be frightfully rude, if you didn't" Snoke countered, and Rey saw his eyes were not actually on her but on his star pupil. Ben didn't reply.
"I'm not really that thirsty. It's good though" Rey said placating, forcing another sip down, better now she was prepared.
The long and excruciating lunch finally ended, and they went back to the car. Rey was starting to get nervous. The little bit of wine and tiny amount of food she'd eaten roiling in her stomach as her thoughts flew to her overnight bag and the rigged-up outfit in it. Ben was quiet, and she felt like he was building up to saying something important. Of course, time had run out for avoiding the talk they had to have. Ben had graduated. With everything that had happened with Eliza, and Ben pulled so firmly away from Rey, she couldn't guess what was going on in his head anymore. But, if she was to change the future that seemed to be rushing at her, she had to do it now. A future without Ben even as a friend, was too awful to contemplate.
They dropped Snoke off at some crumbling Victoria house on the edge of town. It looked a like a murder house, Rey thought mutinously as she watched the man leave their sight. She relaxed a little, now the creepy and staring presence of the man was gone, though fresh nerves sprung up in their wake.
Ben drove to his house, and as he helped her out the car, her bag clutched in her hands, she wondered if it might be the last time. The thought made her want to cry, so she shook it off and forced gaiety, teasing Ben about Snoke, and the lunch and the ceremony and basically anything she could think of.
Inside was cool, with sunlight filtering through the floor length windows. They went to the family wing.
"Can I get you anything?" he asked, as they stopped outside his door.
"Can I have a coke?" she asked hopefully, looking forward to getting rid of the taste of the wine. He smiled widely.
"Sure"
"I'll just… get changed, if you don't mind. This isn't super comfy" she said, gesturing at the tea dress. He leaned away from her for a long moment, looking her up and down, before framing her with his fingers, their old forgotten gesture.
"What are you doing?"
"Remembering" he said simply, clicking his imaginary shutter, before ambling down the hall. Rey watched him go, and then darted into his room, her heart pounding. Once inside, she locked the door and set her bag down. She pulled out candles she'd brought, and lit them, horrified to see her hands were shaking ever so slightly. She stripped the covers off his bed, leaving a black canvas. She closed the blinds, and an intimate glow suffused the room. She took off her dress and underwear, putting it all in her bag, and then took out her outfit. She strained and struggled to climb into it, standing before the full-length mirror, she positioned the straps and ribbons until it looked more purposeful and less like a craft experiment gone awry.
She pulled her hair back in a ponytail, because she'd the hairstyle a lot during her research. It was versatile and easy to control motion through. She stopped for a long moment, her mind racing. She was going to have sex. She was going to have sex for the first time, and she was going to do it with Ben. She chose him, and she was making it happen. A knock at the door sounded, and she jumped several inches off the floor.
"You decent?" he called, and she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror, wild eyed, her cheeks tinged pink with anticipation and her chest, rising and falling with excitement.
"Almost' she called back, before darting to the wardrobe and hunting for the box she'd seen. After a frantic moment, she found it, and pulled it out, picking up various items from it, she arranged them on the floor before her in a line. She went to the door and almost silently turned the lock. Scrambling back, she knelt down behind the toys of the floor, and folded her feet under her, her hands on the tops of her thigh and took a deep breath.
She was just about to change their relationship, irrevocably, and through it, change the future she could see had been speeding toward her. One where Ben left her, like her mother had, though, even worse because he's have chosen specifically to do that.
She willed her heart to stop pounding, her breath to even out. She breathed deeply and calmly, and let her heart mind focus on Ben. Her heart filled up at the thought of him and she felt that terrifying emotion strengthen her spine.
"Come in" she called.
.
.
.
.
.
When Ben walked into the room, at first he couldn't make anything out, so abrupt was the departure from the light hallway.
He had lingered in the kitchen, staring out the windows to the terrace and orangery beyond. Summer was thick in the air, and the flowers and lawn were a riot of colours, each one hurting his heart even more. Rey would love the gardens in summer, he thoughts glumly. It had a been a tense day, seeing Rey and Snoke side by side. His teacher had behaved as well as Ben could expect, and he had been touched at how hard Rey had been trying to be good, grown up and well behaved, despite being tempted otherwise, he thought with a glint of humour. Rey hadn't liked Snoke, he could feel it coming off her in waves, dislike and discomfort and yet, she had put up with it for him. To make a memory worth having, Rey watching him graduate.
He knew what he had to do, to be free of the pain he felt. What to do about Rey, had been the issue on his mind for weeks. The other day in the car had shown him that there was little chance of being platonic friends. He burned for her too hotly, and she seemed to feel the same.
If he had a chance of changing himself, becoming the great man Snoke assured he could be, he must be alone, or at the very least, his heart should not be touched by another. He would be a man his parents admired and respected, someone they would listen to, when he talked. He would be a man who didn't feel his aching loneliness with every single breath, every single day. He would be a man for whom no one would cry, no one would bleed or be hurt for. A man that someone like Rey could never love, and in that way, he would keep her safe.
He stepped into the room, and blinked in the soft light.
"Rey?" he asked, setting the cold can of coke on his bedside table and turning to search for her.
He froze at the sight before him.
The golden light licked over her exposed skin, and as his shocked brain tried to take in the image, it took him a good few seconds to understand that the golden, impossibly smooth fabric Rey was wearing was her skin. As soon as that slipped into focus, everything else was visible. Bare stomach and thighs, arms and legs, the long column of her neck and the delicate collarbones beneath. He could see it all. He saw the black underwear, it was strange looking, and did little to hid her body. And it was a beautiful body, he couldn't take his eyes of it. He could see the underside of her breast, the slight, but heavy weight of those high and firm curves. He could see where her slender waist dipped in further to hug her petite ribs, and flared out to join her thighs. He went to speak, and found his mouth too dry to make a sound.
It was then he started to notice the rest. The toys, his toys, laid out before her. Her submissive position, her head bent, her eyes lowered. A forest fire ripped through him at the image from his deepest and darkest fantasies, plucked from that secret place, and kneeling before him.
"Rey" he managed to croak after a long moment. She didn't answer, just waited for him to do something, say something else. The whole moment was incredibly surreal.
"Rey, what are you doing?" he asked again, and she continued to ignore him, though he could see a fierce blush working up her chest.
"Answer me" he suddenly commanded, and the shift in tone made her jump to attention. She shifted slightly, her ponytail bobbing behind her as her hazel eyes flicked to his for the tiniest second.
"I want to be with you, in your way" she said, and he admired how her voice barely wavered.
"Explain" he commanded again, sinking into the chair she had placed before her, looking down his legs at her, ignoring the urge to cover her shoulders with a towel.
"I know what you think is wrong with you. It doesn't have to be wrong, there is nothing wrong with you. I want to show you" she said quietly. He wanted to laugh and cry all at once.
"I know you feel guilty about Eliza, of course you do. But it's not your fault." She said, suddenly tilting her head up and fixing him with a determined look.
"I want you." She continued, suddenly, and her bravery made his own cowardice even more clear. Why? He ignored the voice in his head, the one that urged him to consider the damage Rey must have endured in her short life, to want someone like him. Someone so thoroughly broken.
"Don't you want me?" she suddenly asked, her voice sounding so very small. It was painful, the way she was looking at him, her trusting face so open and warm, her eyes full of hope and optimism. And, as it always did, those strong emotions, the answer to her call, were drowned by a hard flush of anger. It skittered along his veins, and behind came its fellow spectre, his old friend. Fear. It had already started, he realised, his corruption of the perfection that was Rey. The taint of her light. His presence in her life had already started to infect her. She would be sharing a room with Eliza any day now.
His heart was being torn in two. The part that beat for her, was made whole and better by her was being destroyed with the other part of him, the dark and destructive part that revelled in her submission and wished to visit every fantasy he had ever harboured over her beautiful, unsullied face and body. To have Rey, the shining beacon of survival and triumph over adversity kneeling at his feet. It made him feel ten feet tall, and like dirt simultaneously.
"Get up" he said softly. She sprang to her feet immediately, interrupting his order as a beginning of the scene.
"Put clothes on" he snapped, suddenly afraid his restraint was hanging by a thread, and so white hot anger at himself for letting this happen. She faltered, instead approaching him carefully.
"Ben, what's wrong?" she asked hesitantly. He bit back an incredulous laugh.
"What's wrong? Look at yourself." He gestured at her outfit, close up he could see it was her own handiwork, and the thought of her applying herself to such a task actually hurt.
"You – you don't like it?" she asked, and he closed his eyes tight, torn apart anew. The words to reassure her that it was more than anyone had ever offered him, that it made him feel things he didn't know he could.
That he loved her, he had for a long time, and it scared him to death. But then, the part of him that had worried how he would push her away saw its opportunity. The part that longed for her to have normal relationships and a simple, joyful, uncomplicated love saw its chance.
"I don't see you that way Rey. Please, put some clothes on" he said, his voice tight, silently begging her not to see the obvious lie in her eyes.
"You did last week, in the car" she argued back, or course she would, because Rey did not really have a submissive bone in her body. She might be acting like it, willing to play that part to please him, but she was untameable and wild, and he loved her even more for it.
"Well, when you jump on a guy and grind about on their lap, that tends to happen. It doesn't mean that we should try to be anything more" he said, and saw the hurt of his words hit her. She frowned, her hands hesitating at her sides, as she obviously squashed the instinct to cover herself.
"Don't lie to me Ben. Before we went to New York, you wanted us to be together. I know it." She said, looking him right in the eye.
"Ok, I did feel that way, for a second. It passed and reality came back. You're just a kid"
"If you say that one more time-" she warned, crossing her arms.
"You'll what?"
"It's a bullshit excuse and you know it" she stated, her cheeks blazing, her eyes boring into his. He stood over her, so close he could touch her, and how he longed to touch her. He could already imagine how soft and warm her skin would be. She was staring at him angrily, and he could feel her hurt pride, the sting of his rejection resting on her vulnerable form.
"You're so afraid. I didn't realise you were such a coward" She whispered, and he flinched at the words.
"Well, at least I'm not prostituting myself for affection" he snapped back. As soon as the words were said, the fear magnified a million-fold. She blinked, and her mouth twisted. He had hurt her, he could see it.
"I guess you think it runs in the family, right? Like mother like daughter" she pressed. The words made him sick, and he longed to refute them, to apologise and castrate himself at her feet, but the he was frozen still.
"I know you're trying to push me away. I know you, Ben Solo" she said suddenly, and his flailing heart grabbed onto it.
"You don't know me, kid" he said, turning away, a feeling resignation falling over him, so completely it was all he could do not to sit down and weep. He grabbed a hoodie from the back of the door and handed it to her. This time she covered up, pushing her slim arms into the long sleeves.
"You don't know me, and you don't know yourself" he said.
"Don't tell me-"
"You don't know what's best for you, because believe me, it's not me, it's not us"
"That's my choice"
"Yeah, well, it's a bad one. And one you're not old enough to make" His head jerked sharply to the side as he slapped him. It echoed in the sudden silence that followed it.
"I warned you not to call me young again" she breathed angrily.
"And I warned you - to get away from me, while you still can" he breathed, stepping in closer to her, mirroring her posture. He could feel her breath on his face, her eyes, wide and angry and beautiful beyond measure.
"Why are you so scared?" she murmured, her eyes searching his face for the answer.
"Why aren't you?" he asked, and suddenly felt her hands come up to his cheeks and pull his face to hers. She kissed him hard, biting at his lips, trying to gain entry with her tongue, and it was a long moment before he pulled back.
"I have to take you home" he said, with a solemn finality. She kept looking up into his face, and he was horrified to find his eyes feeling wet.
"You don't really know me Rey. The Ben you know, believe it or not, was the best version of me, as shit as he was. The real me, underneath that Ben – he's a monster" he said softly. A tear ran suddenly down Rey's cheek, and he caught it.
"Don't waste your tears on a dead boy. You don't know me, and I'm glad. I'm so glad. I break everything I touch. I would break you too. I would to tie you to that bed and fuck you so hard so for so long, your heart beats my name and you couldn't walk for a week. I would dedicate myself to enslaving your body, your heart and soul." Rey is looking warily at him, biting her lip, and he pushes on, trying desperately to make her understand.
"I would pay for your college, so you'll always be indebted to me, and I can know where you are at all times. I would make you live in my apartment, so I can be sure that you'll be there when I get home, so I can relax and stop worrying that you might not be. I would get you pregnant as quickly as possible, so your future was bound to mine. Forever. No take backs. No outs. I would do all those things because that is who I am, that's how my mind works. I would chain you to me with invisible bonds of guilt, debt and desire until you lost yourself."
Rey is just staring at him, wide eyed, and he sees with deflated satisfaction that he has indeed reached her.
"And now you see, you should be more afraid of me. I'm not a good man, Rey. I never will be. So give this up now."
"Why do you hate yourself, so much?" she asked, another tear dripping down her cheek.
"The real question, the one that you would start to ask yourself before too long, is why don't you hate me more… and then …you would."
"Get dressed. I'll be downstairs" he said, and turned away. With every step to the door he knew he was doing irreparable damage, leaving her in tears, confused and hurt behind him. That was what he wanted, he reminded himself, to have her hate him. To save her. It was all to save her, he reminded himself, not letting himself dwell on why he felt like such a coward.
As she finally came downstairs, breaking his brooding, alone in the dark on the bottom stair, she looked defiant. She might be down, but she wasn't beaten. He admired that.
"I can't understand you, Ben. I... this is pathetic" she said, wincing as she said the words, but seemingly unable not to. His pride, tattered as it was tore further at her tone. He didn't care much what people thought about him, except Rey. She seemed to be the exception to every rule he had ever made.
"Pathetic is trying to find a way for us to fit into each others lives. What do you even think my parents would say? You're nothing, you come come no one, there isn't a place for you here" the words were dispassionate, just a frank contrast of their unpbringings, something he couldn't care less about, but as soon as he'd finished speaking, he saw the hurt fill her eyes. And just like that he succeeded in severing the gossamer chord between them.
"Let's go" she said tightly, gripping her bag to her chest.
Jack never asked why she came home early. The car ride back had been silent as a tomb, with each second building up more and more things they would never say to each other, the painful regret of words unspoken between two people who had meant so much to each other for a bright and burning moment.
She had looked at him in before getting out, the overhead lights harsh and flat above them. He had refused to meet her eyes, and so she had left, unable to watch the boy she loved destroy himself for one more second, ignoring her help. Ignoring her offer of love. It hurt too much. She hurt for him and because of him at the same time. He didn't want her, and he didn't want her to want him either. And he was too much of a coward to try. She heard the car reversing, and then crunch of the tires along the gravel.
She didn't look back.
And that's all folks! Well, for Rey and Ben at this age... We will have a time jump starting in the next chapter.
Please please, let me know what you think... I've never had this problem of knowing if people like or hate a fic... except for a dedicated few commenters, thanks you guys, you always make me smile...Princess Force, Xanderlike, Chat-Later, Icbacteria, Ashleyespi and Safy Pouncer!