A/N: Many thanks to the other half of my brain: Drakien, who was there when this plot bunny attacked me at midnight while we were IMming...scary!
Minerva stepped into the Entrance Hall and smiled. It was the first night the students were back from the Winter Holiday break, and it had been a blessedly uneventful evening.
The Prefects and Headshad finished their rounds, and all the children were safely ensconced in their dorms.
Hogwarts was thankfully, perfectly, and absolutely silent, except for the small gathering of Professors having the traditional "first night back cup of cocoa" at the end of the Slytherin table. Minerva had just left the group, which was compromised of every staff member – including Mr. Filch – with the notable exception of the Snapes.
She had hoped when they had married that Hermione would draw out Severus and help him be friendlier with the staff. Instead, Severus had managed to inhibit Hermione's social life to the point where the Snapes really only socialized regularly with the Potters at Hogwarts. Hermione would bring little Dita out, and they ate meals with the school, but rarely did anyone see Hermione and Severus at an optional staff function.
The Headmistress pulled her robes tighter and started up the stairs to her chambers, when a loud whirring spun her around.
"HOLY SHITE!" she yelled, staring down at the four large House hourglasses.
"BLOODY GIT OF A PROFESSOR!" she continued, storming back down the stairs and pushing past the staff members that had run into the Entrance Hall at the first shout. Flitwick and Sprout stared at the House hourglasses, while Flitch stared at Minerva's retreating form. Only Harry and Ginny had any sense of what the real problem was.
"HARRY AND GINEVRA! FOLLOW ME, I'LL NEED YOUR HELP BREAKING THE WARDS!"
"Shit," Ginny whispered, as she passed a sleeping Sirius off to Professor Sprout. "Not again…"
"Get your wand ready to block hexes, you know how he gets," Harry whispered comfortingly in his wife's ear, following Minerva down the staircase to the dungeon.
The Potters struggled to keep up with the very angry Scottish witch, who was currently using her heritage to screech a stream of scathing epitaphs, most of which centered on a certain Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor and his anatomy.
"If I told him once, I told him twenty times. How DARE he disobey me. I swear on Albus' portrait, I am going to hex his nether regions to Greenland. Let Hermione go and dig them up again!"
"Minerva, perhaps you should take a deep breath, before we talk to him."
"Madam Potter! I'm a calm as I'm EVER going to be with that arsehole of a prat! Now, help me get in!"
The large stone statues that guarded the entrance gave the Headmistress a surprisingly uniform bored look.
"You want in?" questioned the white marble Lioness that sat to the right.
"Won't happen." Answered the silver granite Serpent coiled on the left.
"I'm the Headmistress of this school! Let me in."
"Oh, you hear that, she's the Headmistress," said the Snake.
"Doesn't matter, she didn't say the password," replied the Lioness.
"Ginny, Harry, give them the password," Minerva answered, looking at the Potters expectantly.
"Minerva, we don't know the password," Ginny said, "Hermione or Severus is always with us. Or they just recognized Dita and let us in."
"You have got to be joking," Minerva said, her anger barely contained. "Listen you overgrown rocks, open the damn door now, or by Merlin's beard I will have you turned into gravel!"
"She's a mighty rude one, isn't she?" said the Serpent.
"Reminds me of your owner," smirked the Lioness.
"I OWN YOU! I'M THE HEADMISTRESS OF THIS SCHOOL!"
"Ooooo, SHE owns us. Hummm – I don't think I appreciate her tone of voice," stated the Serpent.
"Neither do I, really, very crass and low class," answered the Lioness.
"Why you miserable piles of rock," sputtered Minerva, "I don't have time for this, LET ME THROUGH!"
"Should we acquiescent to her demand?" asked the Lioness.
"She does own us," said the Serpent, his tongue slithering out towards the door. "Be it on her head."
The door flung open, and the Headmistress stumbled into the Snape Family living area, the Potters hesitantly pushed in behind.
Ginny turned and buried her head into her husband's shoulder at the sight of the two very naked and sweaty Snapes lying intertwined on the hearth by the fireplace. Harry stared up at the ceiling, waffling between queasy and embarrassed for seeing Hermione in this position.
"Can I help you, Minerva?" Severus calmly asked, accioing a blanket from the sofa to cover himself and his wife.
"SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU – YOU CAN'T SCREAM 1,000 POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR EVERY TIME YOU WIFE LICKS YOU IN THE RIGHT PLACE DURING SEX!"