Chapter 10: Remembrance

There was an unexplainable emptiness inside her, an ache that swelled with each breath in its painfulness. She felt hollow and alone, more alone than she had ever been in her life. Something, something had gone terribly wrong.

Jaina had heard stories of people who claimed to have come back inexplicably from the dead. It was always associated with a bright light, voices even. But as far as Jaina knew, that hadn't happened to any Jedi. It was probably because their bodies disappeared after death.

Still, Jaina had the uneasy feeling she was on the verge of dying. Surprisingly, there was no fear associated with the knowledge, only a lingering sadness. But why should she be sad? There was a peaceful feel to the light surrounding her, a peace she had never found in life. Her life had been filled with strife and unfortunate circumstances. Perhaps in this place she would finally learn all the things about the Force her uncle knew, meet Yoda and Ben Kenobi, even her grandfather.

Wait. Her children.

The thought send an arch of unpleasant feelings through her, the longing and love she felt for them soaring back into her consciousness. She couldn't die, couldn't, they needed her. A constriction formed in her windpipe as she imagined her beautiful little Hanna growing up without a mother. And her son...

That was it, that was the vacuum under her ribs that made breathing and even the beating of her heart a forced and laborious exercise. Her baby was gone.

The part of her that was still aware of her physical being knew her fists clenched, her teeth grind together as a tear slipped out of her eye. Where was he, her child, her baby? There was no life growing inside of her, no sense of...of Jag.

A whole new agony blossomed, and she knew that there was no relief for it. Carrying this baby, their child, it reminded her not only of a time when they had been closer than she thought any two people could be, but allowed her to stay close to him. He was always with her, the product of their love nestled safely in her womb where she could nourish and protect it in a way she was unable to do with their real relationship.

But that didn't seem as important as the fact that she had no idea where he was. Was he? No, he couldn't be dead. She would know. So where was her son? If something had happened...a fear like she had never known before coalesced in her heart. She loved him, oh how she loved that child. She couldn't live if something had happened to him.

Jaina...

Someone was calling her.

She sighed. She had to fight, had to draw on the Force to bring her out of this and back to her family. Her babies. Her husband. There was a clarity in that knowledge that had previously been absent in her. Jag wasn't just some fling or some random person she could dismiss out of hand. He was her partner, her ally, her friend, her lover, the father of her children, her husband. Her marriage was something worth fighting for. Jag was worth fighting for. She wouldn't give up on him, never.

"Jaina, wake up."

And she was awake with a start, brown eyes flying open just as she sucked in an uneven breath. She heard the rapid beeping of a heart monitor and a thousand different chemical smells. Lights shone blindingly bright, causing her to squint. "I am awake," she said, but it came out more like, "I eema wick."

"Come on, honey, fight it." She took another shuddering breath. Fight it. Fight it. "That's it, Jaina. Wake up."

Her blurred vision cleared, and she recognized the place as a med ward. "Hanna," she croaked, concern for her daughter clouding the importance of the fact that she was in a hospital.

"She's fine, Jaina. Just fine. It's okay now. You're all fine," the soothing voice continued.

A single tear slipped down her cheek as her hand found the flat of her stomach and her fears were confirmed. "My son."

"He's a bit shaky, like you, but he's alive. He needs you, Jaina. Live for him."

More tears that she couldn't control. "Syal?"

"Yes, sweetie?"

"How do you live? How...how do you go on?" She didn't need to clarify. They were two mothers, and the unspoken subject needed no elucidation.

A small, thin hand clamped around hers. "It's not easy," her mother-in-law whispered and Jaina could hear the saltiness in her own voice. "You take it a day at a time. You wake up and remember that they're gone. You eat and they're not there. They'll never be there again. So you cry. But you still breathe. That's the trick. Remembering to keep breathing."

Jaina cried. She cried for her children who she feared would slip through her grasp. She cried for her broken marriage. But most of all she cried for the mother beside her who knew the pain of losing a baby. "I'm so sorry."

The same small hands soothed the hair out of her face. "I know. Me too."

"Where is he?"

"In the nursery. I've been visiting him. He misses you."

She found the strength to look over, and saw the older woman's features clouded by tears and streaked makeup. "What happened?" Syal bit her lower lip, obviously hiding something. "Tell me."

"All the stress, it caused you to miscarry. But it's okay, Jaina, it's fine, you're both fine."

Jaina turned back to the ceiling, not wanting Syal to see her shame. It was her own fault. She had almost cost her son's life and deprived her daughter of a mother. It was all her on her. "Jag's going to kill me."

There was a deep silence that Jaina knew had an underlying meaning. Her head snapped back around to see Syal wide eyed and pale. "I haven't told him," she whispered.

"What?" Jaina stammered. "Why?"

"So he can worry himself sick while we have no idea whether he really needs to worry or not?" Syal asked defensively. "I wanted to wait until we knew."

Jaina ran weak and shaking fingers through her hair. "Go ahead and make the call."

"I have news."

Jag looked up at Kolivin, observing the lawyer grimly. He had done a good job as an attorney, had done everything, in Jag's mind, that could be done. But some mountains were too hight to climb. Such was it with the charges against Jag. It wouldn't be long now, till his sentencing. He fully expected to be locked away for good, the solitude and his agony as his only companions. It was a sobering knowledge. "Will it get me out of here?"

Kolivin was unusually dispirited, the emotion completely foreign on his jovial features. "No. Jag, I received as call from your brother-in-law about an hour ago. He wanted to come tell you himself, but they aren't letting you have visitors anymore."

Fear wasn't at home in Jag's heart. He didn't fear things he couldn't change and had enough faith in himself to change the things he could. That is, when it came to his own fate. When it came to the people he loved, the fight against fear was raised on a whole new level. "What is it? What's happened?"

Kolivin winced, either at Jag's tone or the news he bore. "It's the baby, Jag. Jaina's miscarried."

Jag Fel had cried five times in his life. The first three had been at the death of his siblings. The fourth when they had told him he had to marry Jaina. The fifth the first time they had made love. But none of those times, none of the emotions he had felt, came anywhere near the devastation that crumpled him from the inside out. His head fell into his hands, but no matter how hard he pushed the tears squeezed through. Gods, Jaina... he thought. He thought of her suffering, of the painful still birth she must have endured. And then he saw his son, lifeless, pale, empty. He would never hold him, watch him grow. He would never even set eyes on him. It was too much, and a wretched sob escaped his throat as he trembled with an unmanageable pain. The random injustice and disbelief coupled with a despair of knowing he and his life would never be the same again would have driven him to his knees, had he not already been sitting. "No..."

"Jag, wait, they're not dead. They're not dead, Jag, not yet. Close, but not yet."

He looked up, the confusion, hope, and despair all taking a place in his gaze. "What? You just said she miscarried!"

"She did! But they've stabilized them both, for the moment. Jaina's life is still in danger, but your mother said she thought they would both pull through."

There were no words in any language or vocal expression that were sufficient enough to describe his relief. He rested his forehead against the table, the tears continuing to flow but this time with a different emotion. How such complete anguish could so suddenly be assuaged was beyond him. It didn't matter. He was a father, his son had come into the galaxy to be the newest member of his family.

His family with Jaina. Oh, Jaina, how could we have let this happen to us? What brought us to this place? Who are you now? I still need you, feel you, want you. I won't let us die. I won't lose you.

His hands balled into fists. It had come too close this time, the blow at his heart. He had taken a lot of pummeling in his life, especially the last year, but it didn't compare to the void that had opened in his heart only a few minutes before. The realization hit him for the first time: Hanna and that baby were everything to him. And Jaina...Jaina was an angel in his darkness. What was the point of life, of having material things, or even raising those children, if he couldn't have her there to share his heart with? She gave a purpose to the air he breathed and his dreams were empty the moment he let her slip away.

And in a rush he remembered. He reclaimed the verity that had led him to loving her in the first place. He loved her because there wasn't another soul that had ever lived who could be his fantasy and his reality and everything in between. No one could he share such an intimacy with only by looking in their eyes. No one could exasperate him like her and still inspire such a sense of desire and admiration. No one could take away his reality and replace it with nothing but dreams and rainbows and leave him more sure of himself than before. No one could be so determined and reckless in the face of danger and still hold his children with all the tenderness and love in the galaxy. No one completed the whole of his self with such a perfect shape. They were two pieces of one heart, and the realization was an anchor he clung to with both fists. He belonged with her. It was written in the very threads of time, a truth that was forgotten but never lost. All they had to do was reach out and take it back.

"Mommy!"

Never had a single word inspired so many emotions, Jaina thought. She had wanted to be many things in her life, but she had come to terms with the fact that 'mommy' was a title she would rather have than any other. She dropped to one knee and opened her arms, sweeping her Hanna off the floor and into a crushing embrace. Caressing the soft black hair she whispered, "My brave little girl. I'm so sorry. So sorry."

When she looked into her green eyes there was no rebuke there, only love and acceptance. "You got sick, Mommy."

She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "Yes, I was. And you took very good care of me."

Hanna looked around the room, searching for something. "Where is he? Uncle Chak said the baby was here."

Jaina smiled wide. "He certainly is. But he's in the nursery right now, getting better. Do you want to go see him?"

Hanna nodded eagerly, and Jaina set her down, leading her towards the door. She had healed quickly, once she had had the presence of mind to put herself in a healing trance. The first thing she had done upon awaking was go to see her son. He was so very small, but more precious than any gold or jewel. The love she had felt for him the past seven months condensed into one swelling of her heart until she thought it might bust.

The near death experience had taught her many things. One, she understood the path the Force had set her on for the first time. It was her destiny to lead the Empire, from the bridge of a Star Destroyer instead of a cockpit. It was her destiny to raise these children into Jedi who knew the difference in right and wrong, who could resist the dark side and stand firm in the night when others trembled. It was her destiny to love Jagged Fel.

And for the first time in over a year, she knew for certain that she still did. They had said and done things that should be forgotten, and she had tried to bury her pain under indifference. But it just wasn't so. She cared for him, always had, always would. There was finally a glimmer of hope for a future with him, and she wouldn't rest until she was complete again.

The nurse let her and Hanna inside, and they both went to the small crib her son had been placed in. Green eyes stared wide at them both, and Jaina couldn't help but smile. "Isn't he beautiful, Hanna?"

Hanna wrinkled her nose. "He's kind of red and wrinkly."

Jaina laughed, accepting her words as truth but knowing in her heart he was beautiful. "He'll grow out of it. You did."

Her hand reached out to trace the nameplate above his bed. It simply read 'Baby Fel'. He needed a name. Part of her felt guilty for naming him without any input from Jag, but he couldn't just go without a name until then. But maybe there was a way she could let Jag know she was thinking of him when she chose their son's name. Jagged Fel Jr., perhaps? No, too cliché. He would hate it. So what else?

A conversation from long ago echoed through her memory. It had been a time when Chak had gotten ill and Ismene thought he might not make it. They had stayed awake all night by his side. Jag had told her stories from his childhood, of how Chak had been his hero, and Davin his best friend.

"Davin," she tasted the name on her lips. She bent over, peering closely at the small face. "Do you like that? Davin Fel?"

One small hand trailed towards her, reaching up from out of the oxygen tent. Jaina smiled. "Davin it is."

"Jaina!" she spun, seeing her brother-in-law perched in the doorway, an urgent expression on his face. He motioned her over. Reluctantly she took Hanna by the hand and went to him.

"What is it?"

"Soontir just called, and there's a representative from the CEDF and the Four Families coming here right now to take you into custody!" he whispered.

Her eyes grew wide and the grip on Hanna grew tight. "I have to get out of here. Where's Syal?"

He gestured wildly. "She went back to the mansion to get a bath and a fresh set of clothes."

Jaina chewed her lower lip. Then she shoved a finger in his face. "If anyone asks, I took Davin back to my room to feed him. You got me?"

"Davin?"

Jaina smiled. "That's what I've decided to name him."

He nodded solemnly, understanding. Quickly she pulled him into a hug. "I love you, Chak. Take care."

He smiled in return.