The Seer's Diary
Chapter Ten: Firsts

Notes: So a few of you have asked about when the diary comes into play. Well, like any Harry Potter novel, it takes a little bit for it to be introduced, I admit. And when I'm aiming for 30-something chapters.. However, it will be coming up within the next few chapters!

Also, you might want to read my other fic, 'when i think of you, i don't feel so alone', a story of the boys Lily did and didn't kiss. There are a few references to parts of that story. However, you don't need to read it by any means. It just gives more details of the things Lily speaks of here. (:

"Are you excited?" Dorcas finally asked her, softly.

"About what?" Lily responded.

Dorcas smiled. "Your date, of course."

Lily laughed. A few days had passed, and Lily's date with James was in just under twelve hours. Dorcas had promised to come over before her big date, to help ease the final pre-date anxiety.

"Nervous is more like it," she sighed. "I mean.. god, what am I supposed to say to the boy? I hate going on dates when there are all those awkward silences I feel the need to fill..."

"Oh, it won't be a problem," Dorcas assured her. "Just talk about what you normally do. It's no different than when you'd go places with him before."

The two were laying in bed already, but Lily found herself unable to sleep. Her date the next day was all that she could think about.

"Yeah, I suppose you're right," Lily replied, smiling.

"Honestly, I'd be more nervous about the whole kiss thing than what I'd say to him," Dorcas grinned.

"He's just another boy," Lily responded lightly.

"Yeah, but it's always different, and it's not like you've ever kissed him before."

Lily was silent.

"Right?" Dorcas pressed on.

"Can I tell you something I've never told anyone?" Lily asked, and Dorcas sat bolt up, as though she'd just been electrically shocked.

"Did you kiss James?" she hissed.

Lily sat up, too, shaking her head. "No," she told her. "Not quite..."

"'Not quite'?" Dorcas asked, raising her eyebrows. "Either you kissed him or you didn't!"

Lily sighed, knowing the explanation that was about to follow would be a long one. "I mean, other than a few recent close calls... There was once, and I... Well, do you remember last year when I dated Benjy Fenwick?"

Dorcas nodded thoughtfully. "Everyone thought you were perfect," she said, reminiscing. "But..." she paused, turning to Lily, as though trying to piece things together. "But nobody ever knew why you broke up. Even me and Alice never figured it out. Did it have to do with Potter?"

Lily bit her lip. "The whole reason I started dating Benjy was because of Potter. Well, no," she corrected herself, "that sounds awful. I liked Benjy, really. Cute, funny, smart... I mean, he's a Prefect, and in Slug Club, one of the top in our year. I'd been paired with him in a few Herbology lessons that year, and I guess he kinda took a liking to me."

Dorcas smiled. "How sweet," she said. "But I still don't get what this has to do with James."

"Well," Lily went on, "a week or two before, I found out Potter had been dating Bethany Gilly. And, to be honest, it really hurt me he didn't tell me. It was all this big secret, and I only found out because of a few gossiping Hufflepuff in the bathroom.

"Anyway, when Benjy asked me out after Herbology, I was so furious with Potter, and Benjy seemed nice, and I knew any other girl would kill to be on his arm, so... I agreed.

"We were on a date. Our first real date. We'd patrolled together and had study dates together and all that, but the first time we went out of the castle. James and Bethany were there at the Three Broomsticks, too, and I guess I was starting to let it get to me because Benjy took me back to the castle. And then, he... he kissed me."

"I would say that's very sweet, if I didn't know this is where the two of you come to an end," Dorcas said slowly.

Lily smiled soberly. "It was all wrong. He liked me so much, and I just... I didn't know."

"You liked James," Dorcas said.

"I guess, maybe," Lily admitted. "Probably, actually."

"How does kissing James tie into this though?"

"After that, I was hiding between two of the greenhouses," she said. "It had started to snow, and I didn't know where to go where I could just be alone. James... he found me. He told me he broke up with Bethany, and I explained that I broke up with Benjy as well. I was crying, and he was being so sweet and comforting. And he said how he understood that I was upset and and confused and that... that I couldn't be held responsible for my actions."

"And the two of you kissed?" Dorcas asked incredulously.

Lily shook her head. "I couldn't," she said. "I think I kind of wanted to, but I just couldn't hurt him like that."

"But you don't know—"

"I knew that's what would happen," she assured Dorcas grimly. "We'd both just ended our relationships, and we were both hurting and confused and... and when the next day came and I wanted to pretend it never happened, because I still didn't know what the hell I was feeling, I knew it'd be too much. For both of us."

Dorcas nodded in understanding. "That was very wise of you, Lily," she said.

Lily let out a sigh, flopping back down. "I can't help but wonder..." she said frustratedly. "What if I had kissed him then? What if I saw the fireworks and all my questions about him were answered then? It would have saved so much trouble. It would have saved all the fights and all the hurt. It would have saved so much time."

"Does that really matter?" Dorcas asked, and Lily furrowed her brow, trying to understand her friend's meaning. "You're together now."

Lily's expression softened. "You're right," she sighed. "I'm with him now, and who would have ever thought... I think I'm actually happy. With James Potter."

"He's not the same boy from Fifth Year, torturing Snape by the lake after exams," Dorcas pointed out.

"No, I think he is," Lily objected. "I mean, I know he's grown up a bit, changed a few of his habits, but... he's not the only one."

It seemed to take Lily hours to fall asleep, and it felt as though she'd only been out for a few minutes when she had to get up once again. Dorcas helped her keep her head on straight while she got ready, frantically getting everything together, trying to make herself presentable for James (not that he would care, Dorcas reminded her, as he was still crazy about her).

The doorbell rang at last, and Lily stared at her friend nervously. She sighed, placing her hands on Lily's shoulders. "You'll be fine," she told her. "Now don't keep him waiting."

Lily nodded, and Dorcas dropped her hands to her side, smiling and disapparating.

Lily took a deep breath, descending the stairs as quickly and carefully as possible—she really didn't need to trip and hurt herself now, she told herself. Patting her hair and smoothing her shirt one last time, Lily opened the front door to find James, his hands behind his back.

"Hey Evans," he said familiarly.

"Hey," she responded breathlessly, angry at herself for the fact that she suddenly sounded a much higher pitch than usual.

"Can I come in?" he asked with a grin, and she quickly stepped back.

"Sorry," she mumbled, closing the door again behind him.

He simply smiled. "I brought you a present," he said, pulling out a bouquet of lavender roses from behind him.

"Oh James," she muttered, taking them from him. "They're beautiful..."

He grinned broadly at her. "I hoped you would like them," he said.

"My favourite colour," she told him, feeling herself blush. "I'll just—er... Just let me find a vase, all right?"

He nodded, following her into the kitchen, looking around as she cut the stems, filling a vase with water from the tap. "You have a lot of pictures," he told her.

She laughed. "My mum loves taking them," she said, arranging the flowers. She walked over beside him.

"I like this one," he said, pointing to one of a six-year-old Lily, wearing a green jumper and laying, laughing in a pile of autumn leaves. She blushed.

"I do too," she said.

They wandered into the living room, and James immediately moved to the mantel, just as Lily had done in his house. She followed him, their eyes moving in the same line, looking at all the photos.

Then, her eyes caught sight of an old photo—one from when she was twelve years old, on the last day of her first year of Hogwarts. She was standing with Sev, and both of them were smiling. It seemed like eons ago, so impossible that it had only been a few years before... At the time, she never would have thought how everything could have changed, how she could have lost her best friend...

Immediately Lily moved to the picture, pulling it out of its frame and tearing it in half with trembling hands. James moved beside her, taking her hand in his and squeezing it slightly. He was looking sadly at her, aware of the way that Snape still managed to hurt her, without even being physically there.

"Sorry," she said, looking back at him.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for," he told her. She nodded, dropping the torn and crumpled picture in the trash bin and taking a deep breath.

"Come on," James said. "Today is about you and me, and having a great time, yeah?"

She smiled at him. "Yeah," she nodded.

Hours later, after some shopping, quite a bit of chatting, and an early dinner with some butterbeer at the Three Broomsticks, they apparated back to Lily's. Since the attack just days before on Diagon Alley, it seemed that many shops had taken to closing early, and many people had taken to leaving the village before the sun set. Lily couldn't blame them—she no longer felt so safe as it got later, either.

"I've had a wonderful time," James told her once they'd reached her doorstep, and she smiled.

"Care to come in?" she asked. "I hate to think of ending the day just yet."

He grinned, taking her hand once more. "I'd love to."

Reflexively she took him up to her bedroom, where she dropped her bag and took a seat on her bed, slipping off her trainers. She watched, smiling, as he took in his surroundings, gazing at her vanity, then her bookshelf, filled with novels and records.

"I like your collection," he commented, gesturing toward the shelf of music.

She laughed. "Thank you," she said. "You can pick something out, if you like."

He nodded, running his fingers along the titles before taking one from the shelf. He pulled it out of its sleeve, carefully placing it on the player. James gingerly dropped the needle, watching the record spin, hearing the groan as it was initially read. The music started toward the end of the first track and James held out his hand. Lily laughed.

"I don't dance," she said, shaking her head.

"'Don't'," he said. "That means you can."

"No," Lily corrected with a laugh. "I can't dance, either."

"Then that makes two of us," he grinned, taking her hand despite her refusals and pulling her to her feet. She laced her fingers together behind his neck, his hands on her waist. She smiled up at him for a moment before leaning her head against his chest, and he pulled her closer to him as the song changed. She felt his breath in her hair, closing her eyes and enjoying the gentle swaying motion of the two moving in time to the music.

"Something in the way she moves," she heard him sing along in a rough whisper, and she felt herself smiling even more broadly, "attracts me like no other lover; something in the way she woos me..."

"You know the Beatles?" she asked him.

He laughed. "Mum's a huge fan. Muggles or not, they are rather good."

She smiled, listening to his heart beating, and the words he was singing. He was a decent singer—by no means perfect, but he hit almost every note—but that somehow made it better. To simply be there with him, having him sing one of her favourite songs to her as they revolved slowly on the spot. This is what she'd always wanted, what no other boy had ever given her.

She looked up at him, feeling at that moment so incredibly overwhelmed with feelings for the boy she once thought she hated. He smiled down at her in return, kissing her forehead.

Her breathing seemed to stop as their dance slowed; she didn't even have a second to think before she was standing on her toes, her lips colliding with his in a moment of recklessness. For once, she didn't care if she got hurt—she was so happy with him at that minute. And that was what Dorcas had reminded her before, wasn't it? Wasted time didn't matter, as they had now...

She pulled back quickly, her heart pounding, her eyes still closed, simply trying to savour the moment.

Suddenly his lips had returned to hers, and she felt her breath catch in her chest again. He was pulling her closer to him again, and she'd moved her hands—one to his chest, feeling his heart pound beneath her palm, the other tangled in his hair, pulling his face more desperately toward hers.

The record continued to play, though the song had changed long before. But she didn't care, not even sure what song it was and despite the number of times she'd listened to the album, she couldn't even remember what it was if she'd wanted to.

This, she told herself, this was the kiss she'd been waiting for. She felt everything she thought should be in a kiss: it was sweet and innocent, yet so fiery and passionate, kissing each other hungrily as they'd each been waiting so long for that moment. It felt as though she'd been hit with a jelly-legs jinx, and she couldn't tell if her heart was working so fast she couldn't feel it anymore, or if it had just stopped. It felt as though she couldn't breathe, but she didn't need to as long as James was with her.

She felt as the backs of her legs collided with the edge of her vanity. She semi-consciously felt herself sliding onto it, glad to no longer be afraid that her knees would collapse right beneath her.

Nothing made sense anymore, but Lily didn't care. She had no sense of time, no awareness as to what was going on in the world surrounding her. The only thing that seemed to make sense anymore was James, there with her.

She only wished, as she heard it, the cough she'd heard from her doorframe had made sense. At least, she wished it had made as much sense as her name did, just a moment later.

"Lily!"