"You kissed him? Ballsy move, man." Sam compliments, as I'm curled up on his couch. He's the only one I could go to, no one else would understand. He hands me a cup of hot chocolate and smiles supportively.

My cheeks stung from all the crying and I just want was to evaporate into thin air. It's good to know that someone is here for me when I feel so alone. He sets a blanket on my shoulders and then sits across from me on an arm chair. His apartment is so Samuel; there's hemp everywhere and blankets galore. An array of guitars line the wall and everything looks second hand, well loved. He's lived here for a couple years so he's really made himself at home.

"I've made a huge mistake." I mumble, and shiver at the memory.

The look on Cameron's face flashes across my mind and the tears surge out of my eyes again. This was just so frustrating. Why did I have to do this? I should've just kept it inside. He never needed to know. But now, I've gone and changed it all forever. He'll never look at me the same way again.

Samuel shakes his head at me and says, "I think it's the best thing you could've done. It's not fair to deny how you feel, Damian. It would've driven you crazy, tortured you."

"But it's not about me! It's the fact that Cameron doesn't and couldn't ever feel the same way. But it just felt so right and I didn't even care about his feelings. I just wanted to kiss him, just to see what it would be like. For once, I went for what I wanted and it's the worst thing I could've done." I object to his opinion, even though, technically, he is right.

"You had to be honest with him at some point. Otherwise things would've just gotten harder and harder for you." He retorts, getting more frustrated with me.

"I'm done with would've, could've, should'ves! It already happened. It's done. I messed up and I can't ever take it back. In some ways, I don't want to take it back. But in more ways, I wish I could just get rid of these nasty thoughts I have about him. It's wrong." I spit, my self hatred boiling inside of me.

"Nasty? What are you saying? Being gay is just as normal as being straight, some people just don't realize it. Please, don't hate yourself for the way you feel when it's a completely valid feeling." Samuel responds, his eyes furrowing in concern.

"But the way Cam looked at me, he thought it was wrong. His eyes were full of disgust, I've never seen him look at me like that before and frankly, I don't want to have to see it again. I'll just have to move out." I conclude, setting down my finished drink on the coffee table. I pull my knees up to my chest to comfort myself.

"That's ridiculous. Don't you remember how awesome Cameron was about Alex? He didn't care if he was gay and he was proud of him for being who he was." Sam reminds me and he does have a point.

"It's not the same. I'm his best friend. Or… was. He doesn't live with Alex or see him every day." I explain and Samuel grabs the mug from off the table. He brings it into the kitchen which is basically part of the living room and washes it off under the tap.

The monotony of the water calms me. It's soothing. I remember when I lived in Derry, I would go to the local indoor swimming pool twice a week. It was so relaxing, just doing lap upon lap: mindless exercise. It distracted me from any problems I ever had: a sanctuary in the form of water.

"You should sleep. You look like crap." Sam notes, before going over to a closet and retrieving an extra comforter.

"Thanks." I say sarcastically, taking the comforter and wrapping it around myself. The comfort of sleep would have to do.

"I think maybe you're over-thinking this and he was just in shock. I mean, no offence, but if my best friend randomly planted one on me, I'd be pretty surprised." He explains his perspective of my situation.

"You didn't see his eyes. He was absolutely repulsed. I could tell." I respond. I shake my head to expel the image from my mind. His beautiful eyes full of such distaste.

"Either way, I'm sorry, man. Sweet dreams." Sam greets before turning of the light and entering his bedroom.

"Night, Sam." I murmur into the darkness.

Sleep comes easily but in the morning I wake to something that leaves me taken aback. A text from Cameron simply saying:

Can we talk?