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Chapter 10- Hell On Earth.
When Andy saw her attempts to delve any deeper where futile, she let go of Sam's hand after giving it a light squeeze and left the room with her heart dragging on the floor between her feet.
A series of emotions crashed through her, her legs becoming wobbly and her feet began to drag. She just couldn't function properly.
When Sarah saw her, she knew without being told that Oliver's evaluation of Sam had been pretty accurate.
"You okay?"
Andy was pale, really, really pale and she looked like she was fighting the tears so earnestly that Sarah felt bad for sending her in there without warning her about what they suspected.
"No" Andy said as Sarah stopped in front of her.
"What happened?".
"What did the doctor tell you?" Andy fired back after a minute spent in silence studying the woman in front of her. She knew something, Andy just didn't know what or how much.
"He doesn't really know much yet, he wants to run more tests tomorrow".
"But you knew that he...". Saying forgot was beyond her ability now, so she didn't.
"Oliver said that there were some... Signs, but it doesn't mean anything" Sarah tried to sound so firm in her answer.
"And you didn't think too warn me? How could you let me go in there like that?" Andy's voice raged, she was mad, but she was finding it more inconceivable to wrap her mind around than anything she had ever dealt with before.
"I wasn't sure okay, and I'm sorry but I needed someone closer to Sam to test the theory".
"Test the theory?"
Andy couldn't deal with this now.
Not with Sarah.
Not with Sam.
Nor with Sam forgetting Jerry.
So she walked away, intending on leaving everything behind.
As Andy took frantic strides down the hall towards the main entrance doors Sarah's voice called out after her.
"What did he forget Andy?".
Andy froze and gathered her thoughts before turning around and walking back over to Sarah. When she stopped she said the only thing that she could "He forgot his best friend".
Sarah drew in a sharp breath as the words met her ears, she knew exactly who Andy meant.
Andy's arms moved up to cross over her chest in defense before she spun around and left Sarah alone in the hallway to comprehend what she had just said.
The walk home had Andy reflecting over how Sam had forgotten the most important thing that had happened in his life in the years that she had known him.
It stung that Jerry's death was one thing that Sam couldn't hold on too, but in another way- she didn't blame him. She had tried to imagine how he felt, but the pain she had seen him in when they were living through it was just unimaginable.
Her mind convinced itself that it was a reaction to the head injury, or a aftereffect of the surgery, or maybe the amount of drugs that he had been getting pumped into his body. Sam forgetting that Jerry died- it just wasn't possible.
Two blocks from home Andy found herself wondering what else he had forgotten, how much he had forgotten.
When her hand reached out to open her front door the full force of Sam losing a part of his life hit her.
Jamie Brennan.
Sam had said that he had last seen Jerry around the time that he had left for the Brennan case, that was a little over two years ago. How much in between then and now was gone too?
Slamming the door as she walked into her condo, Andy finally gave in to the threatening tears and let them spill over.
She wasn't strong enough to hold them back anymore.
...
When the sun rose Sarah found herself already wide awake.
Now that Sam was improving she went home to his house and spent a few hours there trying to get some sleep. The first thing that she had done when she had arrived was empty out his fridge, then the medicine cabinet in the bathroom and finally all the alcohol that she found in the kitchen cupboards and fridge. It was hard, but her determination was stronger than her weakness at that point.
Her mind kept racing over to Sam, and then to Andy and then back again, the sudden swerving and swaying giving her whiplash.
Sipping on her really early morning coffee Sarah remembered the items from Sam's lockbox still tucked away in her purse and she considered putting them back until the doctors warning echoed through her mind. If Sam had lost some of his memory, then they couldn't be forced to return. Those items could very well do just that, force him to remember something he wasn't ready for just yet.
She had resisted the urge to read the note that had been forgotten in her purse up until now, but she couldn't resist anymore so she went to get it.
The words burned her eyes as they blurred after sweeping over the page once the envelope was neatly ripped open.
Sam had written a total of one sentence, one sentence that was more powerful than anything she had ever heard him say. It matched what he had hidden in the small bag, that much was certain because without the contents of the bag the sentence wouldn't make sense.
Folding the paper back up, making sure to keep the folds in the paper along the ones that Sam had made when he put the paper into the envelope, Sarah put the it away her heart tearing up a little when she had a better understanding of why Andy was so freaked out and so cold towards her when she left the hospital last night.
It was a hefty blow for her to deal with when she had probably assumed that she was going to have to face Sam learning about Jerry's death all over again.
The ramifications of Sam having memory loss extended past that point too, how much had he forgotten?
Maybe it was only temporary and would come back, on its own once Sam had; had more time to heal.
Sarah made her way back to the hospital after having copious amounts of coffee and a long hot shower.
She really felt nervous today knowing that more light would be shed on Sam's condition.
She found his room empty and went to the nurses station to be told that Sam was a floor up having his tests run and that he'd be a while. So Sarah decided to pay Andy a visit hoping that she would be at the barn.
The warmth of the barn clouded around her as soon as she stepped inside, the familiar smells and sounds taking her mind back to many years spent inside these walls. Many worries too.
"Hi".
"Just a second" Andy said when Sarah said hello. She wasn't looking up, she was talking into the phone and typing away at the keyboard in front of her frantically as she paid careful attention to what the caller was saying.
"I'm sorry what?" Andy suddenly mumbled out on a hushed breath. "Mr Jones is your dog? I am so sorry Ma'am, but we don't fill out missing person reports on dogs"
Sarah had to stifle a giggle when she heard Andy say that. It was probably an elderly person calling and it was a shame that they probably didn't have anyone else to call when their dog got out and didn't come home.
When Andy looked up after ending the call, Sarah saw how tired she was, the circles under her eyes more predominant in the bright lights now that she was paying attention.
"Hi?".
"You okay?" Sarah said noting Andy's still pale complexion too.
"Yeah fine". Andy was short and sweet in answering, but still cold and distant too. "Everything okay?".
"Yeah, Sam's having his tests done so I thought I'd swing by and see how you are. I should apologize too".
"It's okay, I get it now" Andy let her eyes swing away from Sarah. She felt bad for her reaction last night but it had just happened.
"No, you were right, I should have warned you and I'm sorry. I just needed someone that knows Sam to see for themselves without being swayed in that direction".
Andy could hear the sincerity in Sarah's voice, and it made her feel worse.
"Look, just don't stay away okay. I don't have anyone but Sam right now so I need you to do this with me".
Andy was a little shocked when Sarah said that, it made her eyes well up involuntarily again.
"I really need you there, for me. If you can't be there for Sam I won't hold it against you, but don't leave me to do this on my own".
Andy felt like she was having open heart surgery while she was awake, Sarah's need for someone to lean on startling, heartwarming and gut wrenching all at the same time.
"I'll be there" Was all that her voice would carry when she noticed Frank heading in their direction.
"Sarah?". His voice boomed across the room, Sarah suddenly schooling all emotion to hold a stoic face as she turned to seek him out.
"How are you holding up?" Frank focused on Sammy's sister when he got close enough to the front desk to address her.
"Okay".
"I'm glad you stopped by, have you got a few?"
Sarah nodded at Frank's question, she knew that there would be official things that she needed to deal with one way or another.
"See you later?" Sarah asked, Andy nodded in sadness as she replied. Her nod meant that she would be stopping at the hospital on her way home.
Sarah followed Frank to his office where he held the door open and waited for her to step inside before he mirrored her actions.
Sarah sat down once inside, she wasn't about to wait and be told to sit down.
Frank sat across from her, his hands pressed together as he rested his elbows on his desk.
"I saw Oliver this morning when he stopped by, is there more news?".
"No, he's being poked and prodded and it could take a few days..."
"I know this is hard, but Sammy's tough, he'll be okay".
"Frank I know that, but it's not just Sammy I'm worried about. I'm worried about her too" Sarah looked towards Andy who must have felt her ears burning because she looked up and made eye contact at that moment.
"McNally's tough, she's strong she'll make it out okay".
"Frank, take off the uniform okay. Andy is starting to break, and Sammy's already broken. They're people, not just cops" Sarah snapped. She didn't mean too, but Frank just sounded so removed that she felt like a complete stranger was bullshitting her into believing that everything would be okay.
"You know that she's the rookie that burned him right?".
Sarah let out an annoyed huff, of course she knew that.
"You know that she's also the one he was suspended over?".
Wait, what? Sam had been suspended?
"He didn't tell you?".
Sarah shook her head, that was definitely not something that Sam had shared.
"His last UC? He went under and they ran into each other. Sammy got made but she got him out. The other rookies wouldn't go home until he was found. He refused to take another UC after that, took a months suspension and then came back to work like a bear with a sore head because she wasn't here. Do you know what he said the day they had their tribunal decisions released?".
Sarah kept looking between Frank and Andy, she just couldn't help it. If Sam was here right now, he'd be in so much trouble.
"He said that if they wanted his badge they could have it, but if they took hers he was done".
Frank let his honesty rattle around in Sarah's mind as she digested what he was saying. It was his way of telling her that he knew where Andy stood with Sam.
"That's why she's here. If I let her stay off she will crumble and fold and I'm not about to lose more of the people that have made this their home". Frank was being completely open with Sarah. He shouldn't be that open, but she should know that they were looking out for McNally and trying to be the glue that held her together when she was falling apart.
"Okay, but just go easy on her" Sarah said as she focused on Frank. "So what do I have to sign?".
Frank gave her the run down and assured her that Sam would be taken care of while in the hospital and after that if needed. He wanted her to know that medical expenses would never be a worry, and that she had a support system between them if she didn't already know that.
He went on to go over basic procedures about on duty injuries and recovery and that everything would be taken care of. He needed to lighten her burden.
When Sarah said goodbye Frank felt better knowing that right now she had a few less worries to make life harder on her.
On her way out Sarah stopped in Frank's doorway before asking a question that had been bugging her since she first spoke to Andy. "Who's Marlo?".
Frank didn't show any surprise at her question, but instead showed that it made him uncomfortable.
"Sam's ex-girlfriend".
Sarah's eyebrows shot up as confusion set in.
"After McNally, that's uh, that's Cruz right there" Frank nodded towards the bullpen, Sarah's eyes seeking the brunette out as she walked across the room.
"She doesn't know" Sarah stated the answer as she looked to the other side of the room where she found Andy looking in the opposite direction of the other woman.
"Sammy never got the chance to tell her himself, but somehow I think she might know more than she let's on" Frank said, his voice carrying a sign of guilt because he hadn't told McNally either. But that was how they worked; they didn't share secrets and carry tales, they had to be said on their own, from the source. They had left it up to Sam to tell McNally that he wasn't seeing Cruz anymore, it wasn't their place to share his secrets although that couldn't really be considered a secret.
Andy was absent when Sarah wanted to say goodbye a few minutes after leaving Frank's office, but she had the feeling that she would keep her word and show up later.
"Got a minute?" Andy looked up surprised when she heard Luke's voice. It had been a while since he bailed on Fifteen again after Dakota had wrapped up. He had only been back once since then, when it looked like Jerry's killer had struck again and another young girl went missing.
"Hi yeah sure" Andy said noting the rookie behind him. This was obviously official if he bought a replacement down to front desk with him.
Andy followed Luke to an interview room and knew what was coming the second he held the door open for her and she saw the video camera and note pad on the desk. He was here to take her statement. He caught the case.
Twenty minutes sped by as Andy relived the events that still haunted her dreams and turned them into nightmares.
When Luke was satisfied and wrapped it up, he smiled at her before actually asking how Sam was.
She gave him the short version, the nice one, the one she could speak about.
"Any suspects?" Andy asked changing the subject. She knew that the badges were going to go all out to track down the people responsible for rigging the house, the Meth lab, abandoning the kid. "Hey, did you find the kid?". Sudden panic ran through Andy. She had been so focused on Sam that she didn't even know if the kid had been in the house when the bomb rigged to the pressure plate went off.
"Yeah, he's fine. He's with child services. Did Swarek seriously trade places on the pressure plate?". Luke sounded like he was having a hard time believing her story but he had probably already heard about it from Oliver. Andy nodded just once.
"You know why he did that right?" Luke asked staring at her.
"I wish I did" Andy said before shifting her chair back and standing up. This conversation was over.
Andy turned around three times before finally making it inside the hospital doors.
Three times she had chickened out and almost left, but she just didn't have it in her to leave without knowing.
Finding Sarah smiling at her, pretending to reading a magazine Andy found her effort worthwhile as she managed to smile back.
So far Sarah had managed to stay strong, and stay clean even though Andy knew that she was facing hell on earth right now. She admired that and couldn't let her down because of it.
Andy sat down next to Sarah who put her magazine down on the chair next to her on the other side, Andy's eyes fluttering to the bag at Sarah's feet.
"Sam's being moved out of the ICU" Sarah stated with so much happiness in her voice that Andy felt it roll off her in waves.
"So soon?" It was kind of confusing. Sam was barely awake when they let him be awake, and he was being moved?
"He had his tests done and the doctor is pretty happy with the reports so he's stopping Sam's induced comatose state and moving him to the medical ward".
Wow, Sam was determined to go home soon.
"That's great" Andy said showing Sarah her first real smile.
"What?" Andy noted the sudden panic well in Sarah's eyes as she took a moment to think over something that wasn't all that happy.
"Sam..." She didn't know how to say this.
"Sam has a few memory issues, but they should come back. The swelling may be causing it, but he has all his motor skills and has full brain functionality so it's better than we hoped for".
"Memory issues?" Andy nearly choked out. She was beyond ecstatic about the news that Sam was basically okay apart from that, but still it felt like maybe he would be different. She knew that Sam forgot about Jerry's death, she just assumed that it was because he had just been woken up and he was confused. That was the story she had been telling herself, the excuses she made up until she believed them.
"It's only minor Andy, the important thing is he'll be okay". Sarah was avoiding the topic head on, Andy could tell.
"How bad?". Her voice held that undeniable quiver, the one that spelled out threatening tears.
"Andy..." Sarah didn't want to do this, she didn't want to scar the happy moment.
"Sarah how bad?".
"Sam saw a phsycologist and she thinks it's just a temporary thing, you know, an emotional block".
"Sarah!" Andy tried not to yell it out, but it just happened.
"Andy Sam's blocked out almost three years of his life. Everything beyond one point has been erased. He doesn't remember becoming a Detective, the accident or even Jerry. And he doesn't remember dating you".
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