Chapter Ten

She thought she'd gotten over the hardest part, but it only lasted until she entered the room and spotted him in the hospital bed. She'd imagined meeting his sister to be something she should have prepared herself for, and seeing him would have been easier, since he was the reason she came for. But she was proven wrong. And she had no choice, but to believe her own body that responded in the least expected ways when her eyes fell on him. First she felt a sudden strain in her stomach, and it was soon followed by a heavy pain near her heart.

She had to sit down.

That instant she was even more grateful to Helen for letting her visit Kurt alone. She didn't even feel brave enough to face herself at that moment. Had she been seen by her, would have made it a thousand times worse.

She looked at the face that she'd held between her hands when she kissed him goodbye the last time she saw him. It appeared so different to her now, even though it was the same familiar face. She felt like stroking it, but she didn't have the courage.

She didn't know what to do, she felt helpless, and this was a barely known feeling for her. She always had a plan, that's how she lived her life. Always had the next step in mind, that's how she got along, step by step. There was always tomorrow, a new day with new tasks. But her tomorrow faded into the darkness at that moment.

She came to see him, because she wanted to see him with her own eyes, she thought it would help to accept what happened. But now that she was there she was feeling even worse. She felt like running back, running away and never look back. But he was lying there still, the man who made her laugh, who made her blush, who made her feel like a woman. And he almost made her cry as well, but that didn't matter any more.

At that moment she was sure if she had only one wish from life, it would be for him to wake up. And she didn't mind that this wish was selfish. She wanted him to wake up, because she couldn't handle seeing him like that.

She'd always been proud to be a strong woman, but he managed to make her weak so many times. But that was different, she let herself be weak, because she wanted to, because she couldn't resist him. But the weakness she felt now, she knew he wouldn't approve of, because she didn't approve of it herself.

She wanted to fight it, she wanted to go on with her life, leaving him to his sister's care, and only come back when he was healthy again. She knew he'd wake up sooner or later, she knew he wouldn't die. She felt sure about that, even though she couldn't explain why.

It would have been so easy, going back to her work, and leaving him there, and knowing him, he probably wouldn't have protested that either. But even the thought seemed so cruel to her, that she started hating herself for letting that find its way in her head. She couldn't possibly leave him there like that. He needed her to be there, and she wanted to be there. It didn't matter that it didn't make sense, it just had to be this way.

People in a coma could notice the things that were happening around them, she was pretty sure she heard this somewhere. They could hear what they are told, maybe won't remember it later, but still hear it. There were so many things she wanted to say to him, and at least she wouldn't feel so helpless any more if she found something to do, that might help him through this. Help him and help her as well.

She took a deep breath and started to talk.

"Hey," she paused, "Isn't it ironic that I can't tease you now for not talking to me?" she grinned, "Well I could tease you, but it's not so funny when you don't reply with your significant 'yep'," she almost chuckled, but couldn't. "I miss hearing that word from you…I've missed hearing from you in the last months," she sighed.

"I'm only saying this to you now, because there's a pretty good chance you won't remember any of this when you wake up. And if you do, I can pretend it never happened. I'm pretty good at pretending, you know, that's pretty much my whole life. But with you, it has always been different."

"I told you I don't want to lose you. You have to remember that, because it's not something you'd normally hear from my mouth. Or anyone else for that matter. But I meant it then, and I mean it even more now. And I can easily prove you that I mean it, because I won't leave this city until you finally open your eyes. I hope you hear me! I'll stay here, so you'd better hurry back to life, because I have a firm to run."

"I'm sure you wish you were in Costa Rica right now. And you wouldn't be here now if you'd left, if we had left. I know it's my fault, but I don't want to blame myself. You can't just run away and hide when life seems too much to handle. It would have been nice for a week, maybe. But you are almost as workaholic as I am, we would have driven each other crazy after a week of doing nothing. Believe me, we would have. "

"It's not so much fun arguing with you when you can't respond. There are so many things we should discuss, and we will talk about everything, just please, wake up!"