It's Prompto's birthday today! (Or yesterday, depending on what part of the world you live in...) Either way, in celebration, you guys get a new chapter~ Even though it has nothing to do with Prompto's birthday, ha. Still, I've been both excited and nervous to upload this chapter since I finished it some time last week. I know it won't please everyone, but I hope at least most of you find it satisfying.
The Shadows Growing Tall
chapter nine
It's a strange sense of deja vu when Noctis pries his eyes open, fighting through the confusion and pain to wake up. It takes only moments for him to recall what happened—infiltrating the imperial base to get the Regalia back, getting swarmed by MTs, using the Crystal's magic until he felt like he was being torn apart. He'd thrown up blood, hadn't he? It's no wonder he feels so terrible; he's almost surprised to be waking up. He feels even worse than the last time he'd woken after passing out—he's weak and nauseated, dizzy as hell, and everything hurts, including his core. Inside him, the Crystal's shifting restlessly, making little angry pricks that snatch at his life force.
He swallows hard, wincing at the pain, and lifts his head slowly to look around, easily recognising his surroundings as the Leville. He has only a moment to wonder how they'd gotten here when Ignis is by his side, carefully helping him to sit up.
"How are you feeling?" Ignis asks, offering him a glass of water.
Noct takes it gratefully, sipping at it and relishing the way the coolness of it soothes his aching throat. "Like shit," he answers honestly, handing the glass back. "Do we have the Regalia back? How did we get here?"
Ignis frowns, setting the glass down and fussing with Noct's blankets briefly before settling back down in the chair he's pulled up beside the bed. "We do indeed," he says. "The Imperial Chancellor made another appearance and cleared the way for us. I must say, that man has remarkably impeccable timing."
Noct nods at him, sensing Ignis' unease with that fact. Not the answer he was expecting, but he can't say he's surprised by it, either. Ardyn does seem to make it a point to mysteriously show up just when they're in need of help the most. At least they have his dad's car back. He's not sure he could handle it if they'd gone through all that, if he had gone through all that, just to still lose the car in the end. "How long?" he asks quietly then, knowing Ignis will understand his meaning.
Ignis sighs and looks at him, shoving uncomfortably at his glasses. "Three days this time."
Noct simply nods again. He feels like he should be more surprised by it, that he should be more upset he's been lying unconscious for three days, but right now he just feels numb. It's further proof he didn't need that using his magic is killing him, that the Crystal is killing him. Maybe later, when he's more awake, he'll cry and rage at the unfairness of it all, but right now he only feels a dull sort of acceptance. He's going to die young, maybe even soon, and there's nothing he can do about it.
The door opening distracts him from his thoughts, Prompto and Gladio stepping in to the room. Prompto notices Noct's return to consciousness immediately. "Noct!" he cries, rushing over to him. He clambers onto the bed, wrapping his arms around Noct in another desperate, clinging hug, squeezing him tightly as he buries his head in Noct's shoulder.
"Prompto..." Noct's less surprised by his best friend's actions this time, but he still feels uncomfortable with the hug, finding it unfamiliar and foreign. Then he hears Prompto sniffling, tears dampening his shirt, and feels even more awkward. Prompto's actually crying. Because of him.
Feeling incredibly self-conscious, he wrestles an arm free from Prompto's tight grip, and raises it up to pat tentatively at his best friend's back a couple of times. "Hey," he says, ignoring the heat he can feel spreading across his face, "I'm okay now..."
"You aren't," Prompto says into his shoulder, voice muffled. "You fucking aren't, Noct."
"Uh." Noct blinks, letting his hand drop down to his side, taken back by Prompto's response. He looks helplessly to Ignis, not sure what he's supposed to do, but Ignis looks away from him, lowering his eyes to his lap in uneasy silence. Noct lets out a little huff, and then looks instead to Gladio, who's standing just inside the door, watching the scene with arms folded across his chest and a tight look on his face.
Gladio shakes his head at the unspoken plea. "Kid's right," he says. "You fucking aren't."
Noct feels guilt twisting unpleasantly in his gut. Have they somehow figured out the truth? He doesn't want them to know... Gods, if they know, they'll be devastated. He doesn't want to see those looks on his friend's faces. "I'm fine," he says, doing his best to stress the word. "I warped too many times, it's no big deal."
"No big deal?" Gladio approaches the bed, looming down over him disapprovingly, and Noct tries not to cower, not wanting Gladio to see that his obvious attempt at intimidation is working. "No big deal? Noct, you threw up blood!"
Prompto lets out a distressed whimper at Gladio's words, his fingers curling tighter into Noct's back. Noct can't tell if he's still crying or not, but the guilt deepens anyway. "I—" Noct really has no idea how to respond to Gladio, honestly. He wants to brush it off, to downplay it, but how does he make up a casual excuse for throwing up blood and passing out? "It wasn't as serious as it looked," he finally tries, but even he knows how pathetic that sounds.
"It's damn well serious!" Gladio shouts at him. Noct watches his face slowly turn red, and swallows hard, knowing he's well and truly terrified his friends this time, even though that's the last thing he ever wanted to do.
"Gladio," Ignis murmurs disapprovingly, gently touching his hand to Gladio's arm. "Shouting will hardly improve the situation. Let's talk about this calmly."
"I'm through with being calm, Iggy." Gladio shakes Ignis' hand off, and Noct feels dread crowd in alongside the guilt. Gladio's already angry enough to not be reasoned with, and that's never a good thing. Noct doesn't want a fight with him, not when they'd only just made up before he'd passed out, but it's quickly becoming apparent that he's in for one.
"Can we do this some other time?" he asks tiredly, sighing. "Like when I haven't just woken up from being unconscious for three days?" He winces when Prompto's hold constricts him even more, making his sore body protest. "Prompto—that hurts—"
"Oh, uh, sorry dude." Prompto pulls back, looking reluctant as he lets go of Noct, shifting on the bed to sit next to him. Noct feels even more terrible when he sees Prompto's face, eyes red-rimmed and cheeks soaked in tears, worry etched in every line.
"No problem," Noct says automatically. Gladio's still looming, the weight of his angry gaze crushing down on Noct. Honestly, Noct's getting irritated with Gladio's posturing now, though he does his best not to show it. Gladio's mad enough for the both of them. "Gladio, please," he tries. "Some other time."
"My apologies, Your Highness. I'll just have Ignis pencil it down in your busy schedule, yeah? Of course, he'll let you weasel your way out of the meeting, like he's always done—"
"That's rather uncalled for," Ignis mutters peevishly, but Gladio and Noct both ignore him.
"Look, it was just my magic being overworked, okay?" Noct snaps. He crosses his own arms, glaring fiercely at Gladio. "I shouldn't have been warping, but I did it anyways. I'll be fine, so knock it off already!"
"The only thing I'm gonna knock is some sense into that head of yours! When you're throwing up blood and passing out for three days, you are not fine!"
"Oh, because you know my body better than me now, is that it? Or maybe you just don't trust me!"
"Something's obviously wrong with you!"
"I just told you! I overworked my magic!" Noct yells. He clenches his hands into fists, taking a couple of deep breaths to try and calm down. The yelling between them is making his head throb, a steady dull pounding just above his left eye that makes him feel sick. He groans, squeezing his eyes shut and placing a hand to his forehead.
"Noct? You okay?" Prompto asks. Noct feels Prompto's hand settle uncertainly on his shoulder.
"Head hurts," he grits out. He hears Ignis getting up and rummaging around, and then pills are being pressed into his hand, along with his glass of water from earlier. He doesn't even look to check them over, just swallows them down, finally opening his eyes to set his glass down.
"Don't think this gets you out of talking," Gladio warns.
"Come on, big guy, can't this wait until Noct's feeling better?" Prompto pleads, pulling his hand back.
"Noct," Ignis says, and the calm tone in his voice is at an odd contrast with the distressed look on his face. "What did you mean by saying you shouldn't have been warping?"
"I—" Noct pauses. Had he said that? He runs back over his words in his mind, quickly realising that he had. Fuck. He hadn't meant to say that much. Damage control, he needs to do damage control. "Like I said, I warped too much. My magic just got overworked." It's not even that far off from the truth.
"You should have told us, Noct." Gladio at least doesn't yell these words, which Noct's head appreciates, but it's clear he's still upset, and not ready to let things go. It leaves Noct feeling weary. He wants to lay back down and pull the blankets over his head and shut out the world for awhile.
Unfortunately, he knows Gladio's going to make that impossible, so he's got no choice but to participate in this conversation. "Why? It was a battle. I did what needed to be done."
"Dammit, Noct!" Gladio slams his palm down onto the bedside table forcefully, making it rattle hard enough to tip over Noct's glass of water. Liquid puddles down the side and onto the floor. Noct watches it blankly. "You're not the only one fighting here. You don't have to shoulder everything alone."
At that, he sucks in a breath, feeling tears prick at his eyes. He blinks rapidly, holding them back. "What could you have done?"
"Shielded you so you could have a chance to recover, given you a potion, fought alongside you so you didn't have to warp... There were options. We could have helped you. You didn't have to keep it to yourself."
"You had your own selves to worry about. You didn't need to worry about me."
"Noct, that isn't true!" Prompto cries, aghast.
"So the next time you're screaming yourself hoarse from pain and throwing up blood I should just leave you to it, because I don't need to worry about you?"
"That isn't what I meant!" He's sick of Gladio's anger, of his cutting remarks and his insinuations that Noct's trying to get himself killed. He wants to be done with the whole argument already. "Just... it wasn't a big deal, okay? Stop making it into one!"
"Not a big deal?" Gladio repeats. He leans down, grabbing a fistful of Noct's shirt, getting right up in his face. "We thought you were dying!" He looks enraged, his face twisted up into an ugly expression and red from yelling, and it should scare Noct, should make him want to back down, but instead it only makes him angrier. He's done dealing with Gladio's shit. He opens his mouth, ready to tell Gladio off, but the words that come out aren't the words that he intends to say at all.
"I am dying!"
For a long moment, nobody speaks. Noct's eyes widen and he sits there in the tense silence, inwardly panicking and wondering if he can take it back somehow, if he can just lie and make something up, pass it off as a joke... anything so that they don't have to know. But when he glances around at their stunned faces, he realises he doesn't want to keep it a secret anymore. He's so tired of carrying it all alone, and so afraid, and if there's any chance at all they can help save him, he wants to take it. "I am dying," he repeats quietly, his voice cracking embarrassingly on the words.
"We're all dying," Prompto says with a desperate little laugh, trying for humour, but it falls flat.
The tears threaten again, and Noct can't keep them all back this time, a few slipping out to trail slowly down his cheeks. He wipes at them, feeling embarrassed. "It's the Crystal," he says.
"Noct," Ignis says carefully, "We're well aware of the effect the Crystal will have on you, once the Ring of Lucii is in your possession—"
"No," Noct says. "It's killing me now, without the ring."
"That shouldn't be possible, it doesn't make sense—"
"Not everything has to make sense, Specs! The world doesn't work that way!"
"I am aware of that," Ignis says stiffly.
Noct sighs. His head's still aching, and he's so tired. He wishes he could curl up in bed and sob for days. His friends are already looking like he's destroyed their world, and he hasn't even told them the details yet. His chest tightens with anxiety. He shouldn't have told them at all. Why had he done that? Why did he say anything? They're going to fall apart now, and it's going to be all his fault.
Something heavy coils around his chest, squeezing hard, obstructing his breathing, making his breaths come short and choppy. It's painful, and scary, and he suddenly wishes so very badly that his dad was still alive, and here now, to hold him close and tell him that everything was going to be alright and Noct would get through this, the way he had when Noct was a child and struggling with his physical therapy. He feels his heart pounding nearly out of his chest, and the world fades away as he's struck with an impending sense of doom. He has no idea what's happening to him, but he doesn't like it.
Dimly he becomes aware of the bed dipping down in front of him, and Ignis' voice saying, "Slow, steady breaths, Noct, just as I'm doing, that's good." He listens to Ignis, struggling to breathe like his advisor's doing, and gradually the band around his chest loosens. He can breath again. He takes a deep breath in relief, and looks up at Ignis questioningly.
"A panic attack," Ignis says, and Noctis nods, feeling completely drained. He leans back against the headboard of the bed, bringing Prompto in his view alongside Ignis. Prompto's watching him anxiously, his fingers twisting up nervously in the blankets, but he gives Noct a small smile when Noct looks at him.
He glances over to Gladio then. His Shield's still standing there by the bed, fists clenched tightly at his sides, warring anger and worry in his face as he watches Noct.
"Sorry," Noct says to him, inexplicably feeling the need to apologise.
"Sorry for having a panic attack, or sorry for not telling us that you're fucking dying?" Gladio asks harshly, and Noct flinches.
"Gladio..." Ignis says wearily.
"No! Noct should have told us this! This isn't the kind of thing you keep secret! Why didn't you say something before?"
"Because I was scared!" Noct bursts out, growing angry again. "Because I wasn't even sure what was happening at first! Because you guys wouldn't have fought if you knew!"
Prompto scratches at his head. "Why not?"
Noct lets out a long sigh, the anger disappearing as quickly as it had come on. "Because it's using the Crystal's magic that's killing me. Taking weapons out of the Armiger, crafting spells, using the spells, warping... Not just me, but you guys too. I can feel it. It tugs at my magical core, steals away my life, makes me feel really tired... It gets stronger every time I get a new royal weapon, or receive an Astral's blessing."
"Noct..." Prompto sounds horrified, his voice thick with tears that make the guilt in Noct's stomach flare up full force again. This is exactly what he hadn't wanted to see in his friends. "Noct, does... have we been hurting you when we use your magic?"
At that, Noct looks down at his lap. He knows not answering says just as much as any words would, but he can't bear to actually tell his friends that they're a large source of his pain.
"Dammit!" The swear bursts out of Gladio, startling the other three. Noct looks up just as Gladio kicks at the chair Ignis had been in earlier, knocking it into the nightstand. It crashes into the lamp there, which falls against the wall, the bulb inside shattering. Before anyone can react, Gladio turns around, storming back towards the door and out of the room.
"Big guy? Gladio!" Prompto calls after him, scrambling off the bed and going to look out the door, but Gladio's already gone. Prompto shakes his head, and then looks back at Noct. "You know he's not really mad at you..."
"It doesn't matter."
Prompto fiddles uncertainly with the band on his wrist for a moment, before going over and picking up the chair Gladio had kicked, setting it upright and sinking down in to it. "This is so fucked," he says softly.
They all sit quietly for awhile. Ignis keeps looking as if he wants to say something, and then thinks better of it. Prompto messes with his wristband some more, seemingly trying to work up the courage to say something as well. "Are we really hurting you?" he finally blurts out.
Noct shrugs, looking down at the bed again, and then gives a tiny, nearly imperceptible nod.
"Noct, I—allow me to offer my apologies," Ignis says, hesitant.
"Nothing to be sorry for," Noct sighs.
"If I had known our actions were causing you pain—"
"Yeah, and that's why I didn't tell you, Specs," Noct says, interrupting him. "You guys want to blame yourselves, and say you wouldn't have used my magic if you known, but then where would we be now? Dead back at the base? Crushed under Titan? Rotting somewhere in the Balouve Mines?"
"Perhaps we couldn't have stopped using your magic, but we might have been much more judicious in our use, had we known."
"I'd still be dying," Noct says, and it's hard to force the words out around the lump in his throat.
To that, Ignis has nothing to say, a stricken look crossing his face. It makes Noct feel exhausted, seeing the pain he's causing his friends. Noct shifts over to the side of the bed Ignis isn't sitting on, scooting until he's laying down again, on top of the blankets now, and rolling over so that his back is to Ignis and Prompto. He curls up into a foetal position, wanting to sleep, but the lump in his throat's growing and he can feel his eyes starting to sting. Prompto's right, this is fucked, and Noct doesn't know how to fix it.
"I'm gonna see if I can find Gladio," Prompto says. Noct listens to him leave, wondering if Prompto's running from him, running from the fact that Noct's dying because he can't bear to face it. Why had he said anything?
When the first sob rips out of him, he tries to stifle it, biting down hard on his lip, but the urge to let go and cry is too great, and soon he's sobbing pathetically, tears and snot uncomfortably soaking his face, eyes burning and head pounding. He knows Ignis is still there next to him, listening to him bawl like a five year old, and it makes shame wash over him, hot and powerful.
He startles when he feels Ignis' body press up against his, curling around him, warm and comfortable and familiar. When they were children and Noct would have nightmares in the night, after coming back from Tenebrae, he'd sneak into Ignis' room and Ignis would lay with him just like this. It's been many years since Noct has felt the need to be comforted in this manner, but right now it's welcome and soothing. Ignis throws an arm over him, and Noct grabs at his hand, clinging tight as he continues to cry. "I'm sorry," he chokes out.
"Shh," Ignis murmurs. His breath tickles against the back of Noct's neck, making him shudder. "You're alright, Noct."
He's not alright, not at all, but it helps to hear the words nonetheless. He lets himself lay there against Ignis and cry until he can't anymore, until he's drained and exhausted and numb, and then he lets himself slip off into sleep.
x x x
When he wakes later, it's dark out, and Noct is alone in the bed. He sits up with a small groan, glancing around the room. Gladio and Prompto have returned from wherever they'd disappeared too, and are sitting on the other bed messing listlessly with their phones. Ignis is bustling around their pile of things in the corner, organising and re-organising bags that have clearly been rearranged several times already. Noct watches him for a moment, knowing Ignis is probably embarrassed by his actions earlier, and also probably distressed by the news Noct had let slip... He sighs, and decides to leave Ignis to it for now. Maybe other people would find it odd, but Noct's not going to begrudge him his coping mechanism. He wonders if Gladio is still angry, and then decides it's very likely.
"Hey, how you feeling?" Prompto asks, giving him a hesitant smile from the other bed.
Noct shrugs, and decides there's no point in not giving honest answers anymore, although it feels strange to be so candid now. "Tired," he says. "Everything hurts still."
Prompto's face falls. "Because of us."
"Because of the Crystal," Noct corrects. "Because I warped until I nearly tore myself apart."
"Noct..." Prompto looks distressed, and Noct can't bear to see it. He looks away, back in Ignis' direction. Ignis has stopped messing with their things, but he's standing over them, his back to Noct, and Noct can see how rigid he is even from across the room. Clearly his words have upset Ignis just as much.
Noct really doesn't know how to handle it. He'd known they would be upset if he told them, it's why he'd tried so hard to keep it from them, but they'd just gotten mad that he wasn't being honest with them. Now he is and they still seem as if they don't want to hear it. He doesn't know what he's supposed to do. He can't really go back to lying about how much he's hurting, they'll notice and get mad and upset again. But if he continues to be honest, they'll still be upset. Either way, it's a situation he can't win and it's frustrating.
Suddenly, being in the room feels stifling. The tension and disquiet are suffocating him, and he's going to choke on it if he has to sit in it one more minute. Abruptly, he slides out of bed, ignoring the way his body protests in pain, and after putting his shoes on, heads for the door.
"You're leaving?" Ignis asks, and Noct hates the well-hidden hint of fear he hears in Ignis' voice.
"Need some fresh air," he mutters, and slips out the door.
x x x
Thanks to Ignis insisting that Noct needs time to rest, they end up spending the next few days hanging around the Leville, not doing much of anything. Noct spends most of his time in bed letting his depression win. Prompto and Ignis both end up fretting over him until he feels almost smothered by their concern, but it's hard to muster up the energy to do things that would ease their worry.
Gladio, on the other hand, is tetchy for awhile, dropping the occasional biting remark, but when Noct refuses to rise to the bait, he stops, although it's clear he's still not over it. Noct finds his attitude hurtful and undeserved, and it only contributes to his already despondent feelings, but he's not up to yet another fight with Gladio right now.
At some point on the third day, the four of them have a conversation about the Crystal, and Noct gives them more detail on how it's affecting him, and why he thinks it's killing him, although the whole vomiting blood thing was a pretty good indicator.
The conversation is painful. Gladio rarely speaks, choosing to lurk in the background with an irate look on his face, but Noct almost prefers that to the distraught looks of self-blame Prompto and Ignis wear. It only gets better when the conversation moves away from his pain, and onto how it could be happening.
"You're certain it's the Crystal?" Ignis asks.
Noct nods tiredly. "It's... I don't know how to explain. It's a sense, I guess—I can just feel that it's the Crystal. It's almost like it's alive, sort of. Not like a human, or even an Astral, but it has an awareness, it's still sentient...? I don't know," he says, frustration lacing his tone.
"It's most odd..." Ignis says musingly. "I've never heard tell of the Crystal affecting a king's lifespan without the Ring of Lucii. I believe it is the ring in which the Crystal draws its power from."
"Uh, but doesn't the ring get handed down from the kings right away?" Prompto asks, rubbing the back of his neck self-consciously. "I know I didn't grow up royalty like you guys did, but that's what they taught us in history class, at least..."
Ignis frowns. "Yes, that is typically what happens—the new king receives the ring as soon as the old one passes, so that he can keep the Wall maintained, even if his public coronation doesn't take place for a few days. Noct here is rather a special case."
"So maybe the power for magic doesn't really come from the ring after all, and nobody ever realised!"
Gladio lets out a snort at that, and Noct looks at him briefly with a glare before turning his attention back to his other friends again. "We've been using my magic since we left Insomnia, though," he says, "and I don't think it's been killing me the whole time. I'm positive it wasn't hurting me when we helped Cid out with those hunts."
Ignis' brow furrows as he gets lost in his thoughts. "As of now, we lack the proper information to put forth any theories. Perhaps when we get to Altissia and meet the Lady Lunafreya, she'll be able to tell us more about the ring and the Crystal."
Noct sighs. "Great." It's just as he's feared—none of them have any idea what to do for him either. And he's not sure Luna will be able to help much. She does communicate with the Astrals, who would be the most likely to know what's going on with him, but they've been very particular about what help they've offered him so far.
"I think it's time we head to Cape Caem," Ignis says.
"Why there?"
"There's a safe house there, with a boat. Cid and Cindy have been repairing it for us, to take us to Altissia now that the ferry from Galdin Quay is no longer an option."
Noct nods. "We taking Iris with us?" A thought hits him as he asks the question. "Where is Iris, anyway? I haven't seen her since I woke up..."
"Monica took her, Jared, and Talcott to Cape Caem several days ago," Gladio says gruffly.
"Yeah buddy, you were still out of it," Prompto adds.
"We'll head there tomorrow, if that's alright with you, Noct?" Ignis asks.
He nods again. "Fine." In truth, he'd prefer to keep sleeping his days away, but he's sick of being in this room, sick of seeing Ignis and Prompto tiptoe around him while Gladio glowers. A house where he can presumably get away and be on his own for awhile sounds wonderful.
"Very well then, we'll leave first thing in the morning," Ignis declares.
"Can't wait," Noct replies, and for once he actually means it.
Whoops, my Ignoct shipper was showing again ;D
But yes, at last, The Reveal. That scene was so damn hard to write, honestly, trying to pace it properly and balance it between the four of them and make everything feel natural. A giant ass thanks to my best friend, who has never played FFXV but puts up with my constant rambling to her about it and my fics, and looked over the scene for me to check for writing issues.
Feel free to drop me your thoughts on this chapter (: