Inferiority

Chapter 10

"Suze, what is with you?" Paul asked me as he was driving us to school the next morning.

I blinked and looked at him. "Nothing," I said and continued to stare out the window at nothing in particular.

"Suze," he said. I looked back it him. "There definitely is something wrong." He paused. "Look if this is about what I told you last night—"

I shook my head. "No," I said. "It's not that . . ."

"Then what is it? You can tell me, you know." He looked at me pleadingly. I thought about telling him, I really did. But if I told him then, we might have gotten into an accident.

I looked away. "Not while you're driving."

He sighed and looked back at the road. We had arrived at the Mission.

I got out and started walking ahead of him. He caught up with me and put his arm around my waist. That made me a little uncomfortable.

Not the him touching me thing. The fact that I was still feeling guilty about what I did.

Yes, did. I realized, as soon as I woke up this morning, that, yes, I was using Paul, but now . . .

Now I wasn't. Now I really wanted to be with him. Mostly because he was going away soon and I really hadn't cherished the time I was with him. I took it for granted.

But I didn't have him move his arm. I wanted to show Kelly Prescott that Paul Slater was, in fact, mine and not hers.

We got a lot of looks as we walked in the school. And a couple looks of relief. Weird, but whatever.

And then I saw CeeCee and Adam by Adam's locker and breathed a huge sigh of relief. They were talking. CeeCee kept her promise, after all.

Since Paul and I were in the same home room, we went with each other to our lockers, meriting more second glances and weird looks. Then we went to home room together.

And let's just say, Brad didn't tell anyone. Because everyone in the classroom just looked at us with wide eyes, including the two who had spied on us. I guess they still could not believe it.

Kelly was the first to speak, but not the first to get over her shock. "P-Paul!" she stammered. "You really are going out with her!" she shrieked.

I gave her a glare. "That's what it looks like." Then I muttered something not-so-nice under my breath, that, thankfully, she didn't hear. Paul did, though, and he grinned, trying to keep his laugh in.

Then we sat down. Since Mr. Walden honestly didn't care where we sat, Paul and I sat next to each other.

At lunch, Paul sat with CeeCee and I. I questioned CeeCee on why Adam was not with us and she said, and I quote, that he needed time to figure things out.

Well, at least he didn't, technically, reject her.

After lunch, I was called down to Father Dominic's office. Paul happened to be in my Calculus class, so when I was called down over the loudspeaker, he looked at me, kind of confused. I looked back at him and shook my head. Then I grabbed the pass from my teacher and went down to Father Dom's office.

The secretary smiled at me and said it was okay that I went in. I opened the office door and took a seat quietly. Father Dom was speaking with someone on the phone.

He said his goodbyes and put the phone back on the receiver. "Susannah," he said in his normal bright voice. "How are you today?"

I looked at him warily. "Uh, okay, I guess." That wasn't believable, even to my own ears.

Father Dom's smile slowly withered away. "Susannah, what is wrong? Has something happened?"

"Something bad you mean?" I asked.

He just nodded his head. "Has something happened between you and Paul?"

I looked up in surprise. "H-how did you know about that?" I stammered. It was impossible. How could he possibly know?

"Susannah, I've observed you too. It's clear that he cares for you and the fact that you...like him, is as plain as day."

I gaped at him. "Is it really?"

He nodded and let a smile creep onto his face. It soon faded away as the seriousness came back in his voice. "But what is wrong, my dear? What's happened?"

I looked down. Should I tell him? I knew I could confide in Father Dom. But something like what was going on...I didn't know.

But I didn't matter if I knew or not. I still did it.

"Father D, I...I think I've done something really horrible."

His baby blues were fixed on me. "Yes. And what would that be, child?"

I barely said it. But he still heard me. "I think I was using Paul."

I looked up at him to see his reaction. But it didn't seem to affect him. If anything, he looked a little...relieved.

"Susannah," he said calmly. "You just suffered something no one your age should go through. Or anyone, for that matter. You've lost a loved one. While it was not under...normal circumstances, it still took its toll on you. Believe me, I know what its like, dear."

I looked at him. Hearing that from someone else's point of view...it made it seem more...real, I guess. But I understood now. Understood that things like that happen and that I had to live my life.

I finally realized it. And it took Father Dom to explain it to me.

"But, Susannah," he continued. "That is no reason to think that you are...using the next person you are in a relationship with. Yes, you were lonely, but those are two entirely different things."

I looked down. He was wrong. He didn't understand.

He continued. "I can see where you are coming from, though, Susannah. But, believe me when I say this, you were and are not using Mr. Slater. No matter what you think. You needed consolation and he gave that to you. You needed a friend and he was there for you. But, most importantly, you needed someone to take your emotions, good and bad, out on. And, he was there for you."

I looked up at him. "But, Father D. I was using him. It took me until yesterday to realize it, but I was!" I insisted.

He sighed. "Susannah, if it took you that long to realize it, then you weren't really using him at all. You would know. I know you would."

I was really confused now. Was I or was I not using him? Is what he was saying true? Was I just thinking that I was?

I decided to believe him, because he made a hell of a lot more sense than I did. And, plus, he's been through almost the same thing I have. Except, well, I don't aim to become a priest. Not by any means. The whole chastity thing does not work for me.

I was still a little iffy over the whole thing. But I knew Father Dom was right. I only thought I was using Paul because I still loved Jesse.

Is it possible to love two men at the same time?

I don't think I'll ever get an answer to that one.

"Okay, Father Dom. Thank you. Very much."

He nodded and folded his hands in front of himself on his desk. "Now, Susannah, I understand Paul is going to be...going away for a while."

I nodded and before I realized it, I was crying. Not sobbing, thank God, but I felt tears roll down my cheeks and I hiccuped.

Father Dominic looked at me in sympathy for a moment. Then he said, "Susannah, its okay to cry. I know that what you are going through right now must be pretty tough. But Paul will come back. He just has to deal with some family issues for the time being."

I looked up in shock. How had he known...?

He smiled warmly. "Susannah, Paul came to me last night after he took you home. He told me many things." He laughed. "I don't think that boy has been to a confession in a while."

I smiled, despite my sadness. I didn't say anything.

Father Dominic stood up and came over to me, setting his hand down on my shoulder. "You can go back to class, Susannah." Then, noticing my tear-stained face, he said, "And take as much time as you need to in the ladies' room."

I smiled at him and took the pass and hurried down the hall toward the bathroom. I quickly redid my make-up and made sure my eyes weren't puffy anymore, then went back to class.

The period was nearly over by the time I got back to class. I got the class work from the teacher, then went and sat in my seat.

Paul came over and sat next to me. Our Calculus teacher doesn't really care if we talk at the end of the period, so he didn't get yelled at.

He looked at me worriedly. "What was that all about?" he asked, concerned.

I hesitated. "I just had some...issues that I needed to discuss with Father Dom," I said.

I knew he wanted to press it, but he dropped it anyway. I was thankful for that. I honestly did not want to go into detail what had gone on in Father Dominic's office.

Soon enough, the period ended and everyone bolted out of the classroom and went to their lockers. School was out for the day. Finally.

Paul and I went to our lockers and got the books we needed out, then went to his car, where we would be going back to my house.

My mom has gotten used to the idea of me going out with Paul. So has Brad. But that is not to say that he likes the idea of me going out with Paul. He'll just have to deal.

A/N: Well, that was chapter 10. It was a little on the short side, I know. I'm sorry. But could ya still review for me?