Chapter Ten
The quote mentioned in this chapter is from "The Book Thief" by Markus Zusak. Obviously I don't take credit for it, but I highly recommend the book =)
It was a night of firsts for Spencer Reid, and it shocked him at every turn how easy it all felt. He was spending the night at a woman's house. He was spending the night with his... Girlfriend? They hadn't had that conversation yet, but that's what she felt like to him. Do people still ask other people to be their girlfriend? Are we too old for that? Questions rolled and tumbled through his mind as he loosened his tie.
Addison had gone to the bathroom to change into her pajamas, leaving him alone in her bedroom to undress (or not undress, as he ultimately decided). He took off his shoes, tie, and belt and laid them in a pile next to her dresser. He unbuttoned his shirt down to the middle of his chest, but that was as comfortable as he was willing to let himself get. While he waited for her, he walked slowly around her bedroom. He politely kept his hands behind his back, as if he were in a museum. He felt like he was, in a way. The Museum of Things that are Important to Addison. He scanned her closet, full of brightly colored clothes and sundresses. He saw some awards from her high-school theater department for "Actress of the Year" and "Best Actress in a Leading Role." I'll have to ask her more about those, he noted. He looked at the photos on her nightstand- selfies with friends, a professional photo of her at a wedding with who he assumed were her family, and a photo of her finger painting with a group of small children.
He scanned her bookshelf next. He always felt you could learn a lot about someone by what they read. Her collection was unique, certainly not nearly as big or diverse as his. He picked up a worn-out copy of something called The Book Thief, which he had never heard of. As he flipped through the pages, he smiled at the yellow highlighter and the notes written in the margins. He found himself caring for her even more knowing that she enjoyed reading enough to write in all her books. He would probably do the same if he read slowly enough. He flipped through the pages to read the passages she had underlined.
His soul sat up. It met me. Those kinds of souls always do - the best ones. The ones who rise up and say "I know who you are and I am ready. Not that I want to go, of course, but I will come." Those souls are always light because more of them have been put out. More of them have already found their way to other places.
"Find anything interesting?" Addison gently inquired from the doorway, leaning her bare shoulder against the frame. She wore a grey tank top and pink cotton shorts that hugged her curves just enough to make Spencer stammer for a moment,
"You uh, you- you must like this book," he smiled as he held it up to her. She walked up to him and wedged herself under one of his arms. She ran her finger delicately down the page to the quote that she had underlined.
"Aw yeah, that's one of my favorite quotes from this book."
She became quiet and then stared at the picture of her and the children on her nightstand again.
"Those are the kids you work with?"
She smiled a warm, proud smile.
"Yeah, that's them. I went in on my day off to help the staff with an art project."
He looked at the marks on her legs that were in various stages of healing, then let his eyes travel back up to her smiling face. He couldn't make sense of it. Caring for them, certainly. The consequences of their abuse weren't their fault. But loving them? Spending extra time with them? That wasn't a leap that Spencer's all-too-logical brain couldn't make.
"So, what do you feel like doing?" Addison asked eagerly, "it's our first sleepover, seems like it should be kinda special, right?"
Spencer shrugged, "This is my first time sleeping over at a girl's house, Addie. I don't think I'm in a position to be making any decisions here."
She smiled and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. She knew what she was hoping would happen, but she refused to pressure him.
"Well then I vote for popcorn and a movie. Cool?"
"Yeah. Cool," Spencer replied.
She scooted the coffee table in the living room off to the side and and spread a blanket out on the floor. Spencer brought in the bowl of popcorn and a bottle of her favorite cream soda.
They decided on The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. He was glad she agreed on his choice since he was too excited to see it in her collection to pick anything else. As the opening music began to play, Addison laid down on her stomach and patted the space next to her. Spencer obliged and pecked her a buttery kiss as he propped himself up on his elbows.
"Did you know that they recorded the sounds that the orcs make are partly elephant seal pups at a marine mammal hospital?"
Addison giggled and shook her head,
"No, babe, I didn't."
"What made you start using those names for me?" he blurted suddenly.
For the first time that night, Addison felt like she had done something wrong. She felt her face warming with embarrassment and turned away as she sat up.
"I just wanted to, I guess. I'm sorry. Is it too soon? I should have talked to you about it first. I won't-"
He interrupted her with by placing a comforting hand on the small of her back.
"No, it's not that. I'm just trying to figure out how this works, that's all."
"How what works? Dating?"
"Yes. Well, just... How we get from one point to another. How do we decide to use terms of endearment instead of our names? When do we decide that you're my... Girlfriend... Things like that." His voice trailed off, instantly regretting using the "G-word" at all.
Addison turned back to face him, hoping that this was her chance to prove to Spencer that she was worthy of his trust, even when he was afraid or upset. She wanted him to know that she wasn't annoyed or turned off by his inexperience. She softly smiled,
"Well, I think you just go with your instinct. You say what you feel and hope the other person feels the same way. And if they don't, you talk it through," she offered.
Spencer didn't seem satisfied. Much like Hotch's answer about a first kiss- "you'll just be able to tell, Reid."- this response confused him further. But this time, he chose to voice his confusion aloud; a small but important step, at least to his mind.
"Addie, you don't understand. The instincts that I have about human relationships come from years of training. I can't just make decisions about you in the moment. As they say, this is all Greek to me."
She couldn't help but pull him in for a kiss before laughing and reminding him that he was just telling her about translating an old text from the Ancient Greek last week.
"Oh sure, laugh it up..." he chuckled, letting her continue to plant soft kisses at the corners of his mouth and down his neck.
As she reached his collarbone with her lips, she drew her hands to the buttons on his dress shirt. Her fingers danced around the smooth plastic; part of her desperate to undo them, the other part enjoying the slow pace they had fallen into. She paused and looked back up to meet his bright hazel eyes.
"I'm sorry Spence. I don't mean to joke about this. I just don't think I have any good answers for you. I've only had a couple of boyfriends and clearly those weren't exactly successful."
He felt his chest tighten as he looked down to her small hands that were resting gently on his legs. She's done all this before, he thought with a slight grimace. He wished he could erase her memories of other men, wanting desperately to level the playing field between them. He couldn't stop thinking about all the "firsts" that he wanted to share with her, and that they wouldn't really be her first time doing anything.
Sensing his hesitation, she ran a gentle hand through his hair and rested it on his cheek,
"But I will say that, out of the boyfriends I've had, you're the most interesting, smartest, and kindest man I've ever been with. That's gotta count for something, right?"
Addison felt his face warm in the palm of her hand.
"So… you think of me as your boyfriend?" Spencer said in a near-whisper, unsure how the foreign word would sound coming out of his mouth.
"If that's okay with you?" She made it sound like a question, and he had to laugh. Of course it was okay that a beautiful, caring, intelligent girl wanted to be in a committed relationship with him. Having a romantic partner to lean on and confide in was something Spencer had always wanted for himself, he was just never convinced he would have it.
"Yes, Addie, it's okay. I've wanted to call you my girlfriend for a while now."
But just as the words came, Spencer questioned them. Should I let her commit to me when she knows so little? Doesn't she deserve to know what she might be getting herself into?
Addison scooted across the blanket with a slightly victorious smirk on her face. Every movement towards him built his anticipation and pushed his doubt farther down. Spencer reached out to brush the hair off her cheek, wanting simultaneously to protect her from the truth and to tell her all his secrets. As she crawled closer towards him, she placed her hands on either of his shoulders and propped herself up on his lap to face him, noses nearly touching. Their bodies had never been this close together before. Spencer could feel almost every part of her- her hands gently running through his hair, her breath teasing his lips, the rise and fall of her chest against his, her bare legs pressed firmly against either side of his hips… He knew she was waiting for him to kiss her, and he knew how impolite it was to sit there staring at her instead, but he had never been this close to anybody, physically or any other way. He couldn't help but to let himself pause. He had to commit this moment to memory.
No longer willing to wait, Addison closed the space between them and kissed him softly. Spencer sat up taller and wrapped his hands around her back, pulling her even closer. As her body swayed on top of him, he let his hands wander lower. Not fully aware of what he was doing, he began toying with the hem of her shirt. He allowed his fingertips to trace the sliver of bare skin above her shorts, delighting in her every curve and imperfection. As one hand slipped underneath the fabric to trace the skin of her back, Addison pulled away from him. Her eyes searched him for some clue of what he wanted from her, what boundaries she could cross tonight and what she would have to wait for. But she would wait for him, that much she was sure of. She lightly bit her bottom lip before moving her hands to tug upwards on her tank top. Spencer immediately placed a firm hand on her wrist and looked down, as if he had walked in on something he wasn't supposed to see.
"Addie, you don't have to—I mean, I uh, I don't know if I'm ready for— I've never done anything like—"
"Shh, I know," Addison whispered. "We can do whatever you want for as long as you want. I just… I want to be close to you, that's all."
Relieved, he pulled her back into him, and his hands had once more found their way to the bottom of her shirt. Addison continued to kiss him softly, her fingers pressing slightly harder into his arms. She hoped that would be enough to urge him on, but she knew better. No, with Spencer Reid, she knew she would have to be a bit more explicit. Without breaking the kiss, she reached one arm behind her back to gently clutch his wrist. As she guided his hand higher up her spine, the fabric of her shirt came with it. Sensing no hesitation from him this time, she pulled slightly away from him. With his help, they slowly began sliding her shirt up her torso. Addison lifted her arms above her head, her heartbeat now pounding. Spencer sat up to completely remove the shirt, then took her wrists in his hands to move her arms back down to her sides. Again, he felt the urge to stare and to study.
The white silk of her bra practically gleamed against her bronzed skin. She had two more tattoos on either side of her ribs, and a birthmark just to the left of her bellybutton. It was obvious to Spencer that she was trying to hold her stomach in a certain position, not wanting him to see that it was not perfectly flat and toned, the way she believed most men wanted her to look. Spencer found himself becoming angry at everyone in her past for making her feel anything less than perfect. In his eyes, she had never looked more beautiful. She had also never looked more timid; it was as though she were almost afraid of him. He placed his hands on her exposed hips and leaned her closer,
"You look amazing, Addie. I promise."
She raised her eyebrows in slight disbelief and smiled. Spencer laid her onto the floor and brushed a trickle of hesitant kisses across her collarbones.
"Is this okay?" he questioned, and she knew what he meant. Is it okay if all we do is kiss? Is this enough for you? Am I enough?
"Yes, Spencer. This is perfect." And she meant it.
... It was hours before they sleepily stumbled into her room to sleep.
Spencer woke up with the sun. It took a moment to recognize his surroundings, but once he turned to see Addison curled up next to him, a wide smile spread across his face. After only a few hours of sleep, he struggled to remember when they made their way from the floor to her room, but he couldn't piece the evening together. Other events of the night before were much easier to recall…
Trying not to wake her, Spencer slowly scooted to the edge of her bed to button his shirt and tie his shoes.
With her eyes still closed, Addison rolled over to face him and said,
"I can make you coffee if you want."
He knelt beside her and smoothed her hair,
"Shh, I'm fine, you have a long day ahead of you. Rest a little longer."
She propped herself up on an elbow and draped a lazy arm around his neck. She pecked him a kiss on the cheek and whispered that she would miss him.
"I'll miss you too, darling. Let me know when you get to work, okay?" Spencer added with another kiss on her forehead.
"Mmmhmm," was all she could reply before burrowing deeper into the covers and letting out a heavy sigh.
He lingered in her doorway for a few more seconds before quietly making his way out of her apartment.
Spencer arrived at home feeling uncharacteristically giddy. He wasn't even sure he would make himself a pot of coffee right away. He thought about finally telling his mother about Addison when he wrote his daily letter to her. After all, he was officially someone's boyfriend. That seemed like something that your mother should know, right? Before sitting down at his desk, he elected to browse his poetry collection for a few minutes instead. He thought maybe he would copy some of his favorites for her and give them to her in a nice, leather-bound notebook the next time they were together. That's romantic, right?
He was on the hunt for a specific Lord Byron poem. "She walks in beauty, like the night… she walks in beauty, like the night…" he muttered to himself, grazing his fingers over the spines of his many books. As he sat down at his desk, his phone vibrated in his pocket.
NEW MESSAGE: JJ
8:04am: Got a case in Philadelphia. Hotch wants wheels up in 90. Will send more details soon.
Spencer froze.
He knew he was standing still but he felt that his body was swaying like a lone tree in the center of a storm. The ground beneath him threatened to give at any moment. Thinking of that last case— that teenage boy lying dead in front of him, practically in his arms— was becoming more unbearable with each passing second. His heartbeat quickened, his face flushed, his mouth went dry.
If this case is anything like the last one…
He wouldn't let himself finish the thought. Instead, he started looking for other things to pack in his go-bag. He told himself that he was looking for clothes that would be appropriate for the weather in Philadelphia, but he wasn't remotely fooling himself. He knew exactly where he had hidden some vials of dilaudid. He had some in the back right corner of the third drawer in his dresser. He remembered where they were because he had thought about throwing them away while walking home from his night with Addison. The reason he was looking for them now made his eyes sting with tears.
Spencer had felt so safe and relaxed just moments ago. Warm in Addison's bed, protected by her kindness and understanding. When they were together, he never wanted to use. He wasn't that guy, and he wouldn't be that guy for her. If I can just make it out of the house without packing it…
BZZZZZZZZZBZZZBZZZ
Spencer jolted upright at the sound of his phone vibrating on the dresser. It was either another message from JJ or something from Addison. Either way, he couldn't bring himself to look at it.
He took the vial out of his drawer and placed it on his nightstand. He stood perfectly still and stared at it, arms crossed, feet tapping. He willed himself to remember Addison's every detail, thinking that would satiate him… The way the tops of her hands were so soft they almost felt like velvet, her bright green eyes with the dark blue rim, the way her voice cracks when she first wakes up in the morning…
BZZZZZZZZZBZZZBZZZ
BZZZZZZZZZBZZZBZZZ
Now the phone was ringing. Whoever it was didn't want to be ignored.
"Yeah?" Spencer answered harshly.
"Did you get my text?" It was JJ.
"JJ I'll get there when I get there, you don't have to check up on me."
All of the parts of his personality that he liked least— his snippy annoyance when people were trying to help him, his rushing to assume that people were always thinking the worst of him— were flooding back, and he couldn't (or didn't want to) stop it. He hadn't even used yet and he was already pushing away those he needed most. Is Addison next? The thought turned his stomach sour in an instant.
"I'm not checking on you, Spence, just making sure you got the message."
"I got it. Just give me 5 minutes to pack."
He hung up without even waiting to hear a reply, but just as soon as he set the phone down it began to ring again.
"What is it?!"
"Spencer? It's me, Addie. You wanted me to let you know when I got to work… is everything okay?"
He exhaled slowly, waiting for the relaxation that always took over when he heard her voice.
"Sweetheart, are you there?" Addison continued, her voice raised with concern.
The calm never came. And how could it, with a vial of dilaudid in one hand and Addison calling out to him in the other?
"Yeah, I'm here. We got a case so I'm just packing. We're leaving this afternoon."
"Oh," she paused, not wanting to make him feel guilty for doing his job, "well in that case I'm really glad you spent the night last night."
She waited for a response, but all she could hear was the ruffling of clothes and a zipper being zipped in between short and agitated breaths.
"If you can, call me from the road?"
"I mean, I'll try. I can't really guarantee it. Don't know how busy we'll be, you know?"
He knew that was a lie. He had never worked a case where there hadn't been at least a bit of downtime. But knowing what he was bringing with him, he wasn't sure he would be in the right frame of mind to call her.
"Right. I understand. Well, be safe, okay? I'll miss you,"
"Yeah, me too," was all he could muster before hanging up. He was sure she was hurt, that she was probably regretting their last night together, but thinking about that only made him crave the dilaudid even more. As he rolled the vial in between his slender fingers, he wondered how Addison would react if she knew his secret. Angry? Betrayed? Terrified? His angular body almost crumpled in on itself at the thought of making her feel any of those things… but then he saw his badge and gun laying on his bed next to his suitcase, and his mind turned to Tobias...
and being tied to a chair
and beaten with a belt
and face down in frozen dirt
and thinking he was digging his own grave
and firing the gun.
… And as he walked out of his apartment, the sound of the glass vial clinking in his pocket as he walked soothed him more than Addison's voice ever had.