Chapter Ten Losing Control

A pounding headache was what greeted Robert in the morning. He groaned out in pain and discomfort against the bright morning sunlight and covered his face with his blanket. Flashes of last night ran through his mind and he couldn't help but feel a little ashamed of his actions. How could he let himself drink like that? And that argument he had with Chris! He guess it was over between them now. Maybe it was for the best, although it hurt Robert a lot to admit that. He wanted nothing more than to just go and apologize and let everything go back to the way it was before but he couldn't do that. He was tired of living a lie. Tired of lying to Chris. He couldn't do it anymore.

Robert tried to go back to sleep, but his head was pounding. Why did he drink so much? Why did he have to drink away his problems until everything was numb? Was this why his father drank? When did he become his father? It was a path he promised himself that he would never follow but he found himself doing exactly that. He was losing himself, falling to deep, and there was no way out. He was drowning, falling, unable to breathe, suffocating in the darkness and pain. No one understood, they couldn't. His friends lived sheltered lives. The only one who understood was Evan. He was the only one who knew how the pain felt and how to take it away. Robert finally fell back to sleep, losing himself into the comforting folds of unconsciousness, where he didn't have to worry about the pain.

Robert woke again, this time his headache wasn't so bad and the sunlight wasn't so bright. He looked at the clock, 6:00 p.m. He slept all day. He forced himself out of bed, surprised that his father hadn't come to check in on him, then he remembered the silent treatment his father had been giving to him. If Robert never came home, his father wouldn't even know or maybe not even care! Robert try not to let that bother him. He hated his father, so why should that even bother him?

As Robert pulled his favorite sweater on, he decided on maybe visiting Evan and the guys or maybe visit Carrie, if only to get him out of the house for a few hours. He noticed Taylor's window, the curtains closed. Before he would had gone to Taylor's, maybe play the guitar with her or play monopoly or watch a bunch of old movies, maybe go out to eat pizza with her and Chris but that was before. He couldn't hang out with them. He wouldn't let himself drag them down the path he was heading. He could feel himself losing control, his life falling apart around him.

Guilt for acting like a jackass to Taylor and Chris pierced his heart but he could not bring himself to apologize and fix things with them. What did they even know? They would never understand. They had happy families, happy normal lives, something Robert was cheated out from. They had no idea what he was going through, no idea how different Robert's life was compared to theirs. It was as if Robert was on the other side of a glass wall. Looking in, watching, observing their normal lives while on his side there was only pain and darkness, something he could never run from, something he couldn't escape and try to live and be happy. He could never be a part of that, never be happy on that other side of the wall.

And it was time to stop pretending that he was part that bright side where Taylor and Chris were. He did not belong in that world. He belonged on the other side, his side, his world where Evan was forced into also and Carrie with a past as dark as his. Time to stop pretending, time to wake up and realize he was a screwed up kid with a past so dark, a life so full of pain. A life he only knew and could never escape from.

Taylor's shadow passed behind her closed curtain, pulling Robert out of his thoughts and back to reality. He almost opened his own window to call out to her but he forced himself not to. He had hurt her enough last night. She probably wanted nothing more to do with him. Robert was a fool to believe that they could be friends for so long. Even friends with Chris. It was better he broke it off. Taylor deserved so much more than Robert. He would only ruin her life. After all he ruined his friendship with Chris and he ruined his parent's lives.

I'm lost, Tay, I'm lost and you cannot find me. I'm sorry, he thought as he closed up his window and drew the curtains so his room was out of her sight.

And out of her life... just like it was supposed to be. Time to stop pretending, time to grow up...

There was a knock on the door. Robert turned to see his father at the doorway.

"Come downstairs, I have to talk to you," he said.

"Yes, sir," Robert said politely only because he couldn't handle a beating right now. His head was still pounding from his hangover.

A few moments later, Robert found himself sitting on the sofa. Rachel was sitting in the armchair and his father standing in front of him.

"I'm just going to come out and say it since your old enough to act like an adult," father said. Robert tried his best to remain nonchalant yet looking respectful, praying his father's little meeting didn't end with him on the floor bloody and beaten.

"Rachel and I are getting married."

Shock was the first thing Robert felt. Everything froze in time. His father's voice began to sound as if it were so far away, at the end of a dark tunnel that Robert could not find the entrance too. And what if he didn't. He didn't want to be anywhere his father was.

This can't be fucking happening, he thought.

"Robert!" his father snapped out in annoyance when a few more moments passed without Robert saying anything.

And then after his shock wore off, the anger came.

"Fuck no!" Robert shouted, knowing that this would defiantly result in him beaten on the floor.

"Excuse me!" his father snarled stepping towards him in warning. "How many times do I have to tell you to watch your mouth? I guess a good pummeling is what you need to remind you!"

"I don't care if you beat me!" Robert shouted. "You can't marry that bitch!"

Robert saw the punch and ducked, however, he didn't see the second one, which connected to his stomach.

"Say that again you little shit!" his father shouted.

"You're just going to beat her! You don't love her! You don't fucking care!" Robert shouted. "You don't have a fucking heart! If you did, then mom would still be here! And I wouldn't be getting the crap beaten out of me every fucking day!" He didn't care that he was going too far. He didn't care that this would for sure give him a beating. Everything he did resulted in a beating, so what was the point of it all? He was done!

"Shut up, Robert!" his father shouted.

Did I hit a nerve? Robert looked at him, shocked that his father used his real name for once instead of curse words and insults. The man was standing over him, his vein throbbing at the temple. His face was red and his fists clenched in anger. Robert was afraid to look him directly in the eye. Afraid to see disappointment and anger, afraid to see the hate. Robert wondered, not for the first time, what he did wrong to be denied his father's love.

What is wrong with me?

"It's not that I don't have a heart! I do and I love Rachel! Your mother was just a slut and you are just a bastard, good-for-nothing kid with a smart mouth and a rotten attitude! You deserve to be punish!"

Instead of saying sorry, instead of asking for forgiveness and asking why he was a bad kid and promised to do better, Robert only retaliated with anger. He couldn't control himself. His emotions were spilling over the edge and he couldn't breathe. "And why do you think I act like a bad kid?! Why do you think I talk back to you and curse at you?" Robert screamed. "You did this to me!"

"Don't you dare blame me for your behavior? Do you think I haven't noticed the drugs you've been doing or the hangover you had today? Do you take me for a fool?" Father grabbed Robert by his arm and socked him hard in the face. Robert shouted it out in pain and tore himself away from his father's grasp. "After years of this, I thought I would had stamped out your misbehavior by now but I see it hasn't! I want you out of my house tonight! I can't look at you right now, Robert Chase! Get the fuck out of my house, sleep on the street for all I care!"

"Sleeping on the fucking street is better than here!" Robert shouted. "Look at who your marrying, Rachel!"

Rachel as usual watched their whole argument as if this was some sick movie! News flash to that bitch, Robert's life wasn't that! A sick movie or a twisted game for her to enjoy! Soon his life would become her's. Robert's life, his reality, will very soon be Rachel's as well. And he was sorry, so sorry that she was so stupid and evil to marry this bastard, too blind to see how much of a sick man his father was. No, he had enough. She could do what she wanted. Robert was done and if he had to sleep on the fucken street tonight to prove that, then fine!

Father then pushed Robert to the floor and started to kick him, Robert rolled away, adrenaline pulsating in his vines. He pushed himself off the floor and ran out of the house. He ran until he couldn't breathe anymore, until his eyesight grew foggy and there was a stitch in his side.

Robert had no idea where he was, had no idea where he was going. He threw his hood over his head. Snow was staring to fall and the air was suddenly colder. He couldn't spend the night at Taylor's or Chris. He was too proud to go to Carrie or Evan…what am I going to do?

So Robert just kept walking until he entered a familiar neighbored. He looked at the house he couldn't bring himself to knock on its door, so he sat down on the curb in front, hoping maybe Evan would see him and invite him inside.

Robert tried not to think about his father getting remarried. Tried not to think how broken his family had become. He shoved his hands in his sweater pockets. He hated them.

How the universe could just let them be happy, let them live normal lives, while they hurt him, didn't make sense to Robert. He tried to understand it, tried to see where he went wrong to deserve this but couldn't find the answer.

He suddenly began to feel so overwhelmed. He hated his life. He hated that he was stuck here. He hated his mom for leaving him here. Why didn't she take him with her? He hated his father for hurting him every day physically and emotionally. He was so tired of it. So tired of being afraid of being hurt. Why couldn't it just stop? He hated Rachel for doing nothing! How could she just stand there and watch? How could she marry a man who beats his son?

Robert pulled his knees close to his chest and rested his head on them. He was trying so hard to not let the overwhelming feeling in him overcome him. He did not want to cry. And then the reason why he was so upset popped in his mind. The tears were now threatening to spill and his throat began to ache. His father was moving on with his life. Just like Robert's mom, his father was leaving him behind, creating a new family he could be proud of and forgetting the rotten son he had.

Suddenly there was an arm around his shoulders, warm and strong and steady, anchoring him down. The owner of that arm pulled Robert close, hugging him close, holding him, something that was unreal to him. His body lacked physical comfort for so long. It hurt so much that this time he couldn't stop the tears. He lost the battle. Warm tears slid down his face, his throat closed up and his body began to shake and nerve wracking sobs took over. He started to scratch his arms trying to regain some control of himself. He wanted to stop. He wasn't supposed to show this much emotion. Father will get mad!

After a few moments, the sobs stopped, the tears stopped falling and all Robert could do was breathe heavily against the person who was holding him. The falling snow landed on his face and cooled his burning face, making the tears sting his cheeks.

"Come inside, Chase," the voice whispered. Robert could only nod as he began to shiver from the cold. Evan helped him up and led him inside his house and up to his room.

Robert made himself comfy on Evan's bed, he wiped away his tears on his face, trying to regain some of the last of his dignity.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Evan asked, not even bothering to ask him if he was okay because he knew it would be pointless, he knew Robert was not okay.

Robert shook his head watching Evan rummage through his drawers.

Evan then sat down next to him, a bottle in his hand. "Stop scratching yourself." He pulled Robert's arms apart. "Here take this."

Robert took the bottle and drank it until everything inside him was numb.

They didn't talk much just taking the occasional drink from the bottle until it was half empty. Evan didn't even ask about the new bruises popping up on his face and Robert was glad. He didn't feel like talking much of what happened that night. He just needed Evan's presence.

And when the time came when Robert needed more… "They are getting married," he said, his words a little slurred.

"The bitch is stupid, she's going to get what's coming to her!" Evan glared as he drank from the bottle.

"And I'm not going to help her!" Robert said. "She never helped me."

"Good! She doesn't deserve your help! It's her life, if she wants to marry a maniac, then let her. There's nothing you can do, Chase," Evan said.

Robert didn't say anything, just continued to drink not voicing the guilt he felt for deciding to not help Rachel, not voicing the pain and how lost, how out of control everything was.

"Robert, look at me," Evan said.

Robert felt warm tears again, he wiped his eyes, pressing his fist into his sockets.

"You know I'm here for you, dude, if you have to leave your father's house, you can always stay here. My mom will be cool with it."

Robert shook his head. It wasn't fair for him to intrude like that. "Thanks, Evan," he said. "I'll just stay tonight… I'll go back home tomorrow."

Evan looked as if he wanted to protest but one look at Robert and he said, "of course."

Robert for some reason felt that Evan still wanted to say more. The air became a little thick between them but he couldn't figure out why. He noticed how close and warm Evan seemed tonight. It encouraged him to tell Evan what happened and the emotions he felt, how he realized his father was moving on and leaving Robert behind.. how Robert would never be good enough in his father's eyes and how tired he was of this, of being hurt...

Evan listened to every word. When Robert was finished, he broke again and started crying. Evan held him and said, "your father is an asshole to not see the person I see in you. An asshole to not be proud of you. He doesn't deserve to have you for a son, nor does your mother. There is nothing wrong with you and I wish you could see that."

But Robert couldn't understand those words, couldn't understand that there was nothing wrong with him. He knew all this was happening because he was a rotten kid. Everything was too much and his body shook as he craved for release. He had to feel it physically, he had to know this pain inside was real and he could control it.

"I need to cut!" he cried out.

"No, Robert, you are not cutting. I'm here and your going to get through this."

Robert pushed Evan away. "No your not! Just let me cut!"

"Robert...," Evan could only say, his voice strained with emotion. That sound brought Robert back to his senses. Evan was sitting at the foot of his bed, the bottle still in his hands, his face half covered in shadow. Robert shook his head, suddenly too tired to fight so he returned to the bed. His head hit the pillow and he rolled over so he was facing the wall and curled himself up in a ball.

No more was said that night between the boys. Evan pulled off Robert's shoes and threw a blanket over him. Robert kept his eyes closed the whole time, not saying anything and oblivious to the conflicting emotions that was going on in Evan's mind and heart.

The bed sank as Evan laid beside him. Exhaustion soon took over completely and it wasn't long until Robert sank into the comforting darkness of sleep.

A/N: All I can say for this chapter is that Robert's life is just spiraling out of control and he has no idea what he wants, has no idea what to do… and for my long hiatus, I'm so sorry! I hope you all forgive me and start reading this story again! Also I hope you guys check out my other stories!=) –Chase'sGirl19