A/N: Forgot to mention that Natsu Dragion's law from the last chapter was suggested by Azulira.
To all who are from Edolas – We have successfully opened the Anima. You can go home now. No, seriously, you can go home now.
Acnologia – Stop destroying everything just because you're angry about us not letting you into the kingdom. Of course we're not going to let you in! You're the dragon of the apocalypse who tried to kill Fairy Tail's strongest mages (and almost succeeded)!
Alzack Connell – I don't know why you're trying to destroy everyone's computers, but stop. That's an incredible waste of money.
Aquarius – Stop dropping water over people's heads and claiming that they are now "douches".
Asuka Connell – You are not a horse, nor are you a pony.
Bacchus Groh – It's your own fault that you spent all your money on alcohol and now have no money left. It is not Sting's fault. Why does everyone blame everything on him, anyway?
Bisca Connell – I see, so you're playing the "do-the-exact-opposite-of-what-you're-told" game. Alright then: Continue to choke every woman and homosexual-looking man who goes near Alzack, continue warning him not to even try hitting on other girls even though you openly flirt with other guys right in front of him, and continue tearing off the clothes of all other women you see in the street just to make yourself look like the least slutty one.
Bluenote Stinger – Wearing dark shades, a hat and a trench coat will not disguise you well enough to avoid being killed by Gildarts.
Byro (Edolas) – Untie yourself from that tree this instant.
Cana Alberona – Stop telling Cobra that alcohol is actually poison just so that he'll drink it by the bucketful. While that is metaphorically true, it still isn't funny when he gets drunk.
Carla – Let me assure you that you are not a goddess.
Chico C. Hammitt – Stop dancing naked around fires every night. And if you're going to chant, at least do it in a real language rather than just speaking gibberish.
Coco – The fact that your Edolas counterpart has tied herself to a tree in no way means that you can feed her dog food. If you're going to feed her, give her human food.
Coco (Edolas) – Untie yourself from that tree this instant.
Doranbolt – No, Lahar may not stay. Let go of him, and for god's sake, you're leaving a trail of puddles wherever you go! I won't ask you to stop crying, but take a break every now and then to let the small bodies of water dry up!
Droy – Stop digging a shovel into the side of your Edolas counterpart's face just because the scar he has there is shaped like an X.
Elfman – I don't know what that thing on your head is, but it is not a fez, and it is not "manly".
Erza Knightwalker – Untie yourself from that tree this instant.
Erza Scarlet – Chico's "rituals" should be discouraged, not joined.
Faust – Untie yourself from that tree this instant.
Freed Justine – Laxus doesn't need an exceed, and he has said very loudly that he does not want one. But I'm sure he appreciates the thought.
Frosch – Stop giving everyone the "creepy-ass stare of doom" (as Lector calls it).
Gajeel Redfox – Don't help the Levies in their quest to destroy everything and everyone. Whatever you do, don't. And don't encourage your Edolas counterpart to help them.
Gildarts Clive – Stop chasing everyone with a hat, a trench coat and dark shades and attempting to destroy them.
Gray Fullbuster – Pants. On. Now.
Gray Surge – Dress. Off. Now.
Happy – Stop using your cuteness to make everyone do what you want.
Hoteye – It turns out the book you always carry around actually does have a way to open the Anima, and although it doesn't have a way to destroy Acnologia, it has a way to make him leave us alone. I will be keeping this book for a while in order to find out what other secrets it holds.
Hughes – Untie yourself from that tree this instant.
Ikaruga – I am well aware that both of you have Japanese names, both of you use at least one fire spell, both of you have katanas, and both of you have unusual hair. However, you and Totomaru are not the same person.
Imitatia – May I ask how you became human again…? Weren't you turned into a doll?
Iwan Dreyar – Paper people are not going to take over the world. Stop encouraging Hisui.
Jiemma Orlando – Okay, so we forgot to use your full name last week. No need to throw Hisui, Datong, Arcadios, and the Garou Knights out of the window! I don't care if you threw them in alphabetical order, you still threw them!
Jura Neekis – You are not permitted to arrest Romeo until he actually breaks the law.
Juvia Loxar – It's pronounced "Erza", not "Elsa". She is in no way a queen with "ice powers".
Kagura Mikazuchi – While you are entitled to enjoy milkshakes made by other people, we must ask that you stop trying to make milkshakes of your own. It seems that whenever you do this, every young man in Fiore suddenly and inexplicably finds himself in your yard.
Karen Lilica – When I said "put down the axe", I didn't mean "put down the axe and pick up the AK-47". I meant "put down all weaponry, either return it to Laki or bury it forty feet underground (depending on where you got it), and then we will return Jenny to the city".
Katja – Stop walking up to Lucy/Angel/Yukino, bowing repeatedly and saying "teach me, oh wise one". I am very sorry to say that your magic power is gone, and it is physically impossible to get it back (unless, of course, something like that turns up in the book I borrowed from Hoteye. But don't get your hopes up.). Also, Angel is no longer a celestial spirit wizard.
Kinana – Those are lewd hand gestures!
Kurohebi – Look, if you really want Midnight and Cobra to be your parents, ask them to adopt you. But I doubt they'll say yes; I'm sure they have no intention of marrying, having children, or anything of the sort.
Lahar – You have no authority here. You are no longer part of the Magic Council. Now go back to heaven/hell/the afterlife/wherever you came from. Seriously, go back; Doranbolt bursts into tears whenever he sees you.
Laki Olietta – When someone says "over my dead body", you should not pull out a knife and say "as you wish".
Laxus Dreyar – Blackmailing anybody to make out with anybody else in front of a large group of people is not a miracle, not even if those two people absolutely hate each other/one is terrified of the other/both are married to or in love with someone else. Now leave Natsu and Gray, Aries and Aquarius, Erza and Alzack alone.
Leo – You cannot turn people to stone by taking your glasses off. Just because Evergreen does it doesn't mean you are able to.
Levy McGarden – Put the machine away!
Levy (Edolas) – Put the machine away!
Lucky – Stop jumping out of bushes and screaming at people. You almost gave that old man a heart attack.
Lucy Ashley – No. No, you will not throw dynamite into the air in an attempt to destroy the Anima.
Lyon Vastia – Resistance is futile. All of your ghosts will go back where they came from. Now.
Makarov Dreyar – You may borrow that pumpkin hat, but please remember that it is my property and must be returned to me at some point.
Marl – Stop encouraging your husband.
Mary Hughes – I have thought about your question for some time, and I have come to the conclusion that sleeping with your other self is not only impossible while he is tied to a tree, it is also a method of asexual reproduction, and the last thing we need is a bunch of miniature versions of you running around. In other words, no.
Max Alors – Look, I know you're madly in love with that broom, but please, at least let the rest of your guild borrow it when they're doing the spring cleaning. Either that or you do all the cleaning yourself.
Midnight – No son (or daughter) should ever say "Can it be my turn to kill Father next?" Not that your dad doesn't have it coming, but still, that knife will go right through him since he's a ghost.
Minerva Orlando – I know it was you who bought the Viking helmets and the motorcycles for those four. Shame on you.
Mystogan – Untie yourself from that tree this instant.
Nadi – That is not Nichiya-turned-human. That is Ichiya.
Natsu Dragion – The goggles do nothing. Sorry.
Nichiya – That is not Nadi-turned-human. That is Bickslow.
Ooba Babasama – Lamia Scale is a guild, not a strip club. It should definitely not become a strip club, ever. No, we are not holding out on you!
Orga Nanagear – I know it was you who bought the leather jackets and sunglasses for those four. Shame on you.
Pantherlily – No matter how many times you hit me with that spoon, I will not close the Anima.
Porlyusica – The Edolas commanders are not your prisoners. They tied themselves to those trees that just happened to be near your home. You did not tie them up. And they are not your property just because they are on your property.
Ren Akatsuki – That stuff is illegal. Stereotypes are not obligatory things that you must do because of your race.
Risley Law – Don't listen to them. They're trying to poison you.
Rogue Cheney – You are not one of the "Four Motorcyclists of the Apocalypse". Take off the shades, the Viking helmet and the leather jacket, return the motorcycle to its rightful owner, and stop worshipping Acnologia.
Romeo Conbolt – Please don't give Jura and Totomaru any reason to throw you in jail. They're both watching you like vultures for the slightest sign of breaking the law.
Rufus Lore – You are not one of the "Four Motorcyclists of the Apocalypse". Take off the shades, the Viking helmet and the leather jacket, return the motorcycle to its rightful owner, and stop worshipping Acnologia.
Rustyrose – There is no contest for who can be the most overdramatic. If there was, we would hunt down whoever started it and have them executed for causing this mess. Understand?
Scorpio – You are not obliged to be a "douche" just because Aquarius dropped water on you. Stop acting like you are.
Shagotte – Quit telling everyone how they are going to die. Some of us just don't want to know. Lisanna in particular did not wish to know that she was going to be mauled by a flock of pure-white seagulls at the age of seventy-seven.
Sho – Playing card games with people is fine. Picking up Karen's axe and chasing them around the room when they lose to you is not.
Simon – Jellal will not be sacrificed to any god/goddess/pie.
Sting Eucliffe – You are not one of the "Four Motorcyclists of the Apocalypse". Take off the shades, the Viking helmet and the leather jacket, return the motorcycle to its rightful owner, and stop worshipping Acnologia.
Sue – Stop telling everyone that Sue is your last name and your first name is Mary.
Sugarboy – Stop loudly wondering whether the Legion Platoon should replace Mary Hughes with her Edolas counterpart. She has stated that next time you do this, she will "totally strike the offending buffoon".
Sugarboy (Edolas) – Untie yourself from that tree this instant.
Taurus – Leave Natsu alone. He has no intention of "stealing" Lucy from you. I don't think Natsu even understands the concept of romance.
Toby Horhorta – This law was written by Hisui E. Fiore, not her father. Since you're the most likely one to listen to this order: I need as much knockout gas as you can get, several hundred miles of wrapping paper, as much rope as possible, some kind of magic-cancelling drug, and a smoothie. Thank you in advance.
Totomaru – Stop listening to Ikaruga. She's not your twin sister or your Edolas counterpart, and she's definitely not you.
Ultear Milkovich – It is not "seniors' day". While certain stores in Fiore do have discounts for seniors on certain days, they do not happen every day, and not in every store. Stop hitting people who disagree with this. Stop hitting me.
Ur Milkovich – When you catch someone after chasing them for whatever reason, you either let them go or turn them over to the Garou Knights, depending on the situation. You don't strip them naked and then tell them to go and "be truly free".
Vanish Brothers – Stop cooking people. Even if you don't intend to eat them, don't cook them.
Warren Rocko – Okay, we get it. You know where Waldo is. Now please stop telling everyone that you do.
Wendy Marvell – Stop singing "Let it Go" from Frozen whenever Gray, Lyon or Eve walks into the room.
Yukino Aguria – You are not one of the "Four Motorcyclists of the Apocalypse". Take off the shades, the Viking helmet and the leather jacket, return the motorcycle to its rightful owner, and stop worshipping Acnologia.
Zeref – That was not an accident. You shouldn't kill people on purpose, ever. I don't care if they made fun of your outfit, you still don't kill people!