Conversations with My Killer
Chapter 10 - The Damned

I didn't care about any of it. If Jasper said I could come, no one would stop me from joining him.

It was clear to all of us that part of him wanted me all alone, but another part wanted me across the ocean from him. I tried to throw out my need to see him. It was life threatening. If I didn't spend time with him, I would die.

Please. Take me with you.

The wait was excruciating. When he did speak, it was as if acid dripped from his tongue. "Change your clothes first. I don't want his smell on you."

And there was the boom.

Edward was across the room and in Jasper's face before I even knew he moved. "She'll always smell like me."

"Last week, she smelled like the ocean, Panama, and me. Where were you?"

"Am I supposed to be jealous of two stray dogs and a body of water?"

"Have you seen the way she pets that dog? Look in my head and see how she pets me."

Edward slugged him, and the fight was on. I had seen their sparring matches, but this was completely different. Edward was out for blood. He had always fought defensively with the others. Today, he went straight for the throat. At one point, he kicked his older brother into a wall. It was the last piece of action I was able to make out.

This fight was like the rest of my life with them. They all operated at speeds that left me ten miles behind them. I never knew what was really happening, and I couldn't trust them to provide me with an accurate play-by-play.

The whole thing came across as a clichéd pissing contest, and I was the fire hydrant in the middle they marked with their urine. While they danced around the room, I was busy asking myself what it said if I continued to sign up for the role of piss station.

The fight ended with a ripping sound. All movement stopped, and Jasper was left cradling his right arm. True to my nature, I rushed over to him. He was missing a chunk out of his wrist. Of course, he was. His inner monologue was probably cheering about having sustained an injury that would gain my sympathies.

There was nothing he did that wasn't planned out in advance. The thought of how stupid these people thought I was made me tear up. They all played a role, and I was the idiot who watched with wide-eyed innocence. I felt like such a weakling for crying, but there were so many emotions charging the air. I couldn't make heads or tails of anything. It was overwhelming and awful. The frustration more than anything got to me.

Jasper saw the tears. "Stop leaking. I hate that."

He hugged me with his good arm. "It won't hurt long. Here you can check it out if you want."

I reached for his wrist, and he pulled it back with a smile. "No samples."

It was his way of making light of this in the hope that it would calm me down. Even with the crap in my head making me hate him just a little, I still teased right back.

"Just a little -"

Jasper cut me off. "Not today, sweets. There's too much venom. It'll make you pass out if you get too close."

Pissy Edward didn't like our moment. "You wouldn't like it. He tastes like cyanide."

Actually, he didn't. "Jasper tastes like pomegranate pepper jelly. Sweet and tart with a little heat. He's like fire on my tongue."

I caught them all off guard. Edward looked like someone kicked him in the chest. Jasper was taken aback and then grinning like a fool.

A new light shined in his eyes. "Smart girl."

Smart? I hadn't done or said anything smart in weeks. "I don't understand."

His sinister smile sent a chill through me. "You don't have to."

Phones went off. No one moved to answer them.

Jasper nudged me in the side. "We're leaving."

I heard a shout. I was standing next to him in one second and flipped around behind him in the next. Another blink and you missed it move left Edward on the ground and Jasper standing over him with one of his boots pressed into the other man's throat.

Edward didn't even try to fight back. "She'll hate you."

"No, she won't." One vicious stomp crushed Edward's neck.

Noise. Screaming. Shouting. Shadows seemed to fill the room, and the noise grew louder. Jasper pulling his lighter out brought silence.

"Does anyone else object to us leaving?" he asked calmly.

Emmett was the only one brave enough to speak. "Not if you let me go with you."

"Fine by us."

Jasper knelt down beside his downed brother and flicked his lighter playfully. "Still have a death wish?"

I found my voice. "Jasper, stop."

He looked over his shoulder at me. "Are you still coming with me?"

"Yes, I'll go. Just don't burn him."

"Emmett, run upstairs and grab the black bag out of my closet. Bella, go wait outside for me."

I wasn't sure if he would light Edward on fire or not. "I'm not waiting outside. You come with me now, or I'll stay here."

He released a deep breath he'd been holding. "Fine, but no whining over his injuries. We know you love him. I don't need to hear you bleating about it in the car."

It was true that Edward held a very large piece of my heart. His obsessive behavior may have been chipping away at the corners of it, but I still loved him.

I would have said goodbye, but the second I made a move in his direction, Jasper stopped me. "Don't waste your time. The kid doesn't even know who he is right now."

"Will he be okay?"

"In a few hours."

Jasper took a hold of my right elbow and led me through the house. We passed by Carlisle, Rosalie, and Esme. Medusa must have shined her light on them. They were frozen in place.

Once outside and away from the house, Jasper opened one of the doors to Emmett's jeep for me. I couldn't climb in.

He grabbed my hand, and I pulled it away from him. "Don't."

"Go play the victim with someone else. You wanted to leave. You can either get your ass in the car or stay here. Make a choice."

"No."

"To which part. Leaving. Staying. Drama queening."

The events began to catch up to me. "You crushed his throat."

"I've also killed babies. What's your point?"

Was he really that oblivious to what was considered normal behavior? "Why would you do that to him?"

"Because I can. Next time, I'll burn him whether you try to stop me or not."

No, he would not. "You can't kill him. Think about how much he means to all of us. I'd never forgive you."

"Killing has nothing to do with other people's affections. Everyone has someone who loves them. Holding Edward up as an example is like saying trees are tall. I can calculate their height but doing so doesn't change how I go about my day."

Yes, Jasper really was that callous. The few people who mattered to him were lucky. The rest could disappear from the planet, and he wouldn't care in the least.

He even theorized that I felt the same way. "If the state of South Dakota was swallowed by the Earth in a single catastrophic event, would it really change how you lived your life?"

Probably not, but I wasn't going to admit it.

His voice took on a special sparkle that played up his sarcasm. "Would every moment become more precious? Would you see the sky above you in a different light?"

"Yes."

"Bullshit. You'd be thinking the same thing as me. Mount Rushmore. What a fucking waste of time and energy."

His irreverence shouldn't have shocked me, but it did. "Is there anything sacred to you?"

"What? Like God?"

"Yes. Some foundation for good behavior. A moral code. Do you believe in anything?"

"I determine my own moral code."

That was something at least. "What about punishment? You mentioned karma before."

"I say a lot of things. Why must they all have meaning? Why can't I toss out random crap like everyone else?"

He was missing my point. "I'm talking about rewarding or punishing behavior. Something that makes you want to be good."

"There is no heaven or hell. I see no reason to follow the laws of man or god when our fate is the same regardless of our actions. We all die, Bella. Some just take longer than others."

Jasper used his fingers to trace a cross on my chest. "And let me tell you something about the truly righteous. They don't exist, and if they did, they'd envy the damned."

I envied the innocent, and I always would. No amount of conversation with him would bridge that gap. I couldn't look over the decisions he made or the cold shoulder he gave the rest of the world. I wanted to be a better person than that. Around him, I never would be.

"I can't go with you."

"Yes, you can. Get in the jeep."

No, I really couldn't. "Jasper, thank you for showing me a different world, but you can keep the rest of it to yourself. I'm not ready for it."

He leaned against the jeep and crossed his arms over his chest. "And again, you find a new way of proving yourself to be substandard. Outstanding."

This man knew just how to pull my strings. I would jump through hoops to please the people around me. Eating too much food. Trying to be the person Edward wanted me to be. The clothes. My language. Everything about me.

That need to please was what made me less than what I could be. I was a weak shit for letting others dictate my life. Fire hydrant. Blood bag. Human sacrifice. No longer.

"You can take your expectations and shove them straight down your throat. From now on, I only care if I disappoint myself."

Jasper clapped loudly. "Bella has a brain of her own. Now use it for a change. You can be the bitch that leaves a wounded Edward here, or you can be the idiot that stays and lets him cage her up. It's your choice."

"I don't want to go with you."

"Then stay, but you forfeit any right to complain about your situation."

Three hours later, I was in the backseat of Emmett's jeep wondering if we were ever going to reach our destination. The driver thumbed his nose at one of the grand traditions of the Cullen family. Jasper drove the speed limit. This wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't needed to go to the bathroom so bad.

"Are we almost there?"

Jasper didn't answer me. He spoke to Emmett. "Call the Cannery. Two rooms. Make sure to mention the dog."

"Jasper, answer me."

"Another hour or so. Do you need to stop?"

"Yes."

Mercifully, he gave in. I ran to the bathroom while they walked the dog. When I returned to them, they were talking about me.

"Humans are so high maintenance. How does he put up with her?" Emmett asked.

Jasper sniffed the air. "It's the smell. She's very aromatic."

"But mouthy."

"Very."

They were so nice. "You know I can hear you."

"Ah, dear Bella. We missed you," Emmett said with a cheeky grin.

I rolled my eyes at him and snatched Panama's leash. "If you bite Uncle Emmett, I'll give you a biscuit."

"If you slobber on your mama, I'll give you two," Emmett negotiated.

Jasper cut between us. "Quit trying to ruin the dog. He's the only normal one in this family."

We climbed into the Jeep and were on our way again. This was such a strange day. "Why are we all so happy? Shouldn't we be feeling worse about Edward?"

"These kinds of fights are normal," Emmett claimed. "We just haven't let you see it until today. In a few days, we'll go home, and all will be well."

Oh really. "Lovely."

Jasper shifted gears and steered us onto the highway. "Don't feel bad. He shouldn't have tried to stop us from leaving."

"You baited him into coming after you," I reminded him. "And you lied about me petting you. That was mean."

"He deserved it for having you beaten down into a miserable mess all week. And that threatening to kill himself crap is going to stop."

Emmett's head almost snapped off. "When did he do that?"

"Haven't you heard him say he would die without her? What do you think that means?"

Great job, jackass. "That's not what it means."

"Is that why you asked me to keep an eye on her when you weren't around?" Emmett asked his brother.

"It's one of the reasons."

The nude mud wrestling fanatic got wise. "What about when he says she would die without him?"

Jasper met my eyes in the rearview mirror. "When did he say that?"

"Emmett is mistaken. Edward never said that."

"I hate it when you lie to me."

I hated how he alternated between pushing me away and reeling me in. "This subject is closed."

Had it not been for those cryptic words from Edward, I wouldn't have run so fast away from him when I had the chance.

It was dark when we arrived at the hotel. The rooms turned into an argument. Jasper wanted me to stay with him. Emmett insisted I have a room of my own. I personally didn't see what the big deal was. Jasper was going to attack me or make any moves on me. He just wanted me close.

The smart person inside me said it was a bad idea, but I slapped her mouth. In spite of all the differences between us, I wanted to stay with Jasper.

"Emmett, I know you're trying to look out for me, and it's sweet. But I'm staying with Jasper. You have my permission to barge in if you think we're getting frisky."

Jasper smiled over that. "Absolutely. Barge in. We'll see what happens."

"Don't threaten your brother."

"Don't encourage him to interrupt my alone time with you."

"He can hear every word we say. It's why you agreed to let him come along. He's our chaperon."

Emmett got serious on us. "Just tell me now. Is there something going on with you two? Should I be worried?"

Jasper and I lied in perfect unison. "No."

"And the venom?"

"Is none of your damn business," Jasper snapped.

Real subtle, idiot. "I have an overactive imagination is all. I have no idea what his venom tastes like."

Emmett nodded liked he believed me. "Good to know. Let's get out of the rain."

That was quick. He either bought it or was tired of us blatantly lying to him. He was no dummy, which meant it was probably the latter.

We went our separate ways after checking in. Emmett took Panama for the night, and Jasper and I went up to our room. The whole situation was strange. We were alone but not alone.

Jasper didn't relax until our door closed behind us. He set the bag on the floor and turned to face at me.

"Come here," he mouthed silently.

I said something inane while crossing over to him. "The room is bigger than I expected."

His right hand went up to my neck. "I love the view. I've missed the feel of it."

"Have you?"

His fingers stroked my skin tenderly. "Very much so."

"Why do you like it so much?"

"I can feel the pulse of the river. The ships breeze through the water like air. It's the blood, the breath, and the life of this town. Nothing is more valuable than that."

Soft kisses along my jawline had me praying for more. "Nothing?"

"Nothing."

We were so close. Too close. "I should probably stay with Emmett."

His lips brushed mine in a teasing whisper. "Should you?"

"Yes."

One of his hands moved up to my hip and pulled my body in closer to his. "I don't think I'll let you."

I didn't much care at this moment. "Okay."

Jasper stepped back from me breaking the spell. "Good. There are clothes and toiletries in the bag. You should take a shower. I'm going out."

"Wh-what?"

"Me, out. You, shower." He dangled two fingers and danced them back and forth. "Run along."

Uh huh. He did not dismiss me with walking fingers. "That's all you have to say."

He cuffed my chin lightly. "My dazzled days are done, sport."

This was retaliation for the day at the beach.

Jasper smiled like the cat that ate the canary. "Sucks, doesn't it?"

"I hate you."

"Sure you do."

Jasper was gone for about a minute when there was a knock at my door. It was Emmett of course. He brought along Panama.

And a cell phone. "It's Edward."

Perfect. I took the phone and tried to sound cheery. "Are you okay?"

His voice was raw. "Where are you?"

Emmett shook his head. "Don't tell him," he mouthed.

I wasn't stupid. "I'm not sure where we are. I was asleep when we got here. I can make out water if that helps."

"It doesn't. Em says you're staying with him. Is that true?"

"Of course, I am. Who else would I stay with?"

"I don't know, Bella. Why doesn't Jasper want you smelling like me? Why do you say his name in your sleep?"

Terrific. This certainly explained why he blew up this morning like he did. Not to mention, it was embarrassing. I had stayed over several times in the last week. The whole house probably knew this. There was no doubting they did. With their hearing, it was impossible to miss.

"The entire family shows up in my dreams."

"When you moan out Esme's name, I'll be sure to tell you."

When did I moan out Jasper's name? Damn. That called for a happy dance. It was a damn shame I couldn't remember these dreams.

Ugh. I really needed to stop thinking like that. "Edward, if it makes you feel better, I once had a sex dream about Marilyn Manson. That's way more disturbing than dreaming about your brother."

"He hears you, and it makes him imagine far more than he should."

"That's hardly fair to him. When I moan out your name, are you able to control your thoughts?"

"If that ever happens, I'll let you know. Your midnight whispers belong to him exclusively."

If Edward wasn't so asexual maybe I would dream about him. He made me feel like some sort of sexual deviant for even wanting to touch him.

More demands. I needed to tell him my location. He would come get me. No talking to Jasper. No looking at him. No acknowledging his existence. No dreaming about him.

"Edward, if you don't stop telling me what to do, you'll need to go find yourself a new girl."

I just stood up to him. Go me.

He wasn't so proud. "He took my head off this morning. How can you not see my side of this?"

"You shouldn't have let him bait you into attacking him. It was stupid."

"You're being childish and completely ridiculous."

How? "You know what? I'm done with this conversation."

I ended the call. What the hell was his problem? I wasn't childish. I was furious with him for being such a controlling jerk. He needed a hard smack upside the head to get his ears working. If he would just listen to me, we wouldn't have these problems.

I grumbled loudly as I paced the length of the room. "The nerve of him," I complained. "I'm tired of him telling me what to do. Don't I have a brain?"

"You have a lovely brain," Emmett said with a winning smile.

"Do you think I'm silly or ridiculous?"

"No."

"Good. I bet Rose would punch you if you said that about her, right?"

"Right."

It figured. I should be more like her. Or Jasper. No one ever said shit to him, and when they did, he killed them or took their head off.

"And this Jasper thing is just stupid. He treats me the same as everyone else. Edward needs to shut up and pay attention to the real world."

My good buddy nodded. "Sure."

"I spend – what – an hour a day with Jasper before this week. It's not that big a deal."

"An hour isn't much." Emmett agreed.

"Exactly. It's barely a blip in his day. He doesn't even have days. He has interminable stretches of time. It's pretty sad."

"Uh huh."

"Jasper needs a girl. We should find him one."

The big guy gamely went along with me. "What kind of girl?"

"She can't be pushy. If he doesn't want to talk, she needs to let it go. She also can't be high maintenance. He doesn't have the patience for that. And the whole killing thing better not bother her."

"Anything else?"

Tons. "She has to like the outdoors. A house rat need not apply. And she can't be afraid of saying the odd things in her head. He loves that stuff."

I could have continued, but Emmett interrupted me. "You sure talk about him more than you used to."

"He's my friend."

"Are you sure that's all he is?"

No. "What else would he be? You know I'm crazy about Edward."

Emmett looked over at me with those big brother eyes of his. "You've got me worried, kid. Everything I see out of you lately says you are all about the wrong man."

He was right, and because he was right, I kept quiet.

"Edward knows he's losing you. You can't blame him for trying to hold on. I'd do the same thing."

"Jasper isn't the problem. I am. I thought I knew what I wanted, but I didn't. I'm nineteen. I don't even know who I am. It's too much Emmett. He wants forever, and I'm not even sure I can give him next week."

Something in that mess made him happy. "This we can work with. I thought you were going to say you were in love with Jasper."

Lord no. "How can I love anyone when I can barely string two honest sentences together about myself? Jasper understands that. He's been trying to help me figure everything out."

"You two really are just friends?"

With a dash of obsession thrown in from both sides. "Just friends. He even encouraged me to stay with Edward until I know what I really want. He isn't out to steal me away from his brother."

Emmett clapped me on the back. "I don't believe you. In fact, I'm keeping a bucket of ice handy in case I hear some grinding in the night."

The image had me laughing. "We've never even kissed, you big ape."

He stuck out his little finger out. "Pinky swear."

I entwined my digit with his. "Pinky swear."

"While I have you caught, be honest with me. You like him, don't you?"

I couldn't stop the smile that formed on my lips. Did I like Jasper? More than stolen peaches, chocolate milk, and just about anything else in this world.

"I want to strangle him one minute and hug him the next. My heart feels like someone twisted it into a knot every time I see him. It's your basic infatuation. If I manage to stay away from him, I'll be over it in a week or so."

"Uh huh. Would it help if I told you Jasper is unavailable?"

The world crashed down around my ears. "Who? Alice?"

"She isn't his type. Too short and high maintenance."

My hands gestured wildly. I was ready to hurl something across the room. "If not her, who?"

"I've never met him, and it's not really a relationship per say. More like an arrangement."

Him?

"I need more information." The words came out choked.

"Jasper has other obligations and isn't available in the traditional sense. Are you hearing what I'm saying?"

I heard Emmett, but I didn't believe him.

Hours later, Jasper's return interrupted an argument between Emmett and me over the history of Panama's damaged ear. I theorized that he lost it saving puppies from a well. Emmett said someone took a razor to the poor dog. I much preferred my idea. Panama was more concerned with stealing towels and dragging them around the room.

Jasper handed Emmett a bag of dog food, which made me feel like the world's worst puppy momma. How could I forget to feed the kid? I officially sucked.

He also had a bag that smelled like French fries. I ran across the room and met him at the door. "Hand them over."

He knew I was food motivated. "Dismiss the bodyguard, and I'll give you whatever you want."

I sniffed the air. "Cheeseburger?"

"With extra pickles."

Emmett put a hand on my shoulder. "Stay strong, Bella. I can get you another hamburger."

Probably, but it wouldn't taste as good as the one Jasper bought for me. "You can go now, Emmett. We're good here."

Dinner was delicious, but even the salty goodness of hot fries wasn't enough to make me stop thinking about my conversation with Emmett. Just looking at Jasper made me giggle like an idiot. Twice I choked on my food.

For the most part, he observed me silently from across the room while I attempted to eat my dinner.

It wasn't until I finished that he spoke. "What is wrong with you?"

The idea of him being with another male. It wasn't even a bad thing. To each their own was my motto. Who hadn't thought about two guys and pondered the mysteries of what went on behind closed doors? I had on multiple occasions.

He hit the arm of his chair. "Pay attention. What is wrong with you tonight?"

"Meat."

"What's funny about meat?"

Because I had the maturity level of a tween, I giggled again.

Jasper balled up a piece of paper and threw it at me. "Stop doing that."

"Stop having your family lie to me about you."

There was a pause. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

I counted off the lies. "You're the family filter. Emmett wants to wrestle with you in the nude. And you have a boyfriend."

He nodded along completely unaffected by what I said. "Anything else?"

"Just one thing. I have a strong suspicion Edward once tried to play connect the parts with you. Am I right?"

He didn't so much as crack a smile. "Edward never propositioned me. The rest has no bearing on what's going on with us."

Yeah, it did. "If you have a boyfriend, I find that highly relevant information."

Jasper leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes. "How so?"

I threw the ball of paper back at him. "Don't play stupid. You know why."

"All I know is you seem to want all the Cullen dick for yourself. Naughty girl."

I couldn't argue with that. Only a blind girl wouldn't, and it would take just a touch to change her mind. "Nice one."

"I thought you'd like it."

"Seriously though, answer my question."

"I am not completely free to do as I like. You can interpret that however you want."

It was the typical non-answer he always gave me. I would have pushed for more, but our night took an abrupt turn. Jasper jerked his head to the left just before the door was thrown open.

Emmett. "We have to go home. Edward is missing."

Jasper grabbed his phone. The person he called answered right away. "Alice, where is he?"

When he overheard her answer, Emmett's shoulders collapsed, and he put a hand on the wall as if for support. The fear in my heart ratcheted up by a mile.

Jasper ended the call.

I latched onto his arm. "Tell me what's wrong. Is he dead?"

"We don't know. She can't see him anymore."

Author's Note: Sorry about the later update. A migraine is kicking my ass.

Edward. Edward. Edward. So many questions. Did he kill himself? Is he using his knowledge of Alice's ability to hide from her visions? Did he kidnap a wolf? There's more, but I'm tired.

Thanks for taking the time to read. I really appreciate the support people are showing the story.

Chapter 11 should post next Wednesday or Thursday.

- Cris