On the Rooftop
Jing Mei's POV
My frustration and anger over the conversation with Weaver drive me to hideaway in my quiet, little corner on the rooftop at County. It's on the other side of the building from the helipad and sheltered from the wind by a wall. A lot of people find their way up to the roof, but most stay on the main part. They don't venture down the narrow walkway that leads here. No one really knows about this space but me, well me and John. I've brought him up here a few times on break to escape the craziness that the ER can be at times.
I feel the cool night air against my face as I look out over the city below. From up here, the sounds of hustling traffic and the sirens of rushing ambulances are barely audible. The peace and serenity of the rooftop help to quell my emotions, allowing me to think more clearly. I keep going over the course of events from the night of the Marfan's death, to today's meeting, to the conversation with Weaver in the drug lockup. I'm unable to shake these thoughts from my mind.
From the darkness behind me I hear a familiar, comforting voice "Thought I'd find you up here." I turn around and see John. I greet him with a similar tone to his own before turning back to look over the city.
"How long have you been up here?" he asks as he walks toward me. Stopping beside me, he looks out over the ledge to see what's holding my interest.
Still surveying the city below, I tell him, "I don't know, half hour, maybe longer, watched the sun set."
He leans an elbow on the ledge as he turns to face me. I can feel his gaze as he asks "So you really quit?"
I nod my head. "I keep replaying everything in my head. You know what the ER was like that night."
He sucks in his breath and says "Yeah, after a long shift, you sucked me back into the ER Vortex. I ended up doing close to a double."
"You know I appreciate your help that night." I humbly tell him. As I turn to look at him, he shifts his stance to take in the view of the city.
He nods and speaks with such sincerity. "Wish I would've been in on the Marfan's trauma earlier."
"Water under the bridge" I tell him. There nothing any of us can do to change the past.
He concludes, "Well, you're officially a doctor now. I'm surprised it took you this long to catch up." With a hint of tease in his voice, he adds "you're so competitive."
I don't laugh, but the small joke lightens my mood a bit. I cross my arms and gaze upward to the faint stars above the Chicago sky line. I always knew she was capable of stuff like this. Guess I fooled myself into thinking she wouldn't do it to me. She offer you the job yet?
He nods as he turns to face me. Not sure that I want it.
Yes you do. You've always wanted it. We both wanted it, as far back as med school we'd both been laying the foundation that would lead to consideration for the position.
He leans his elbow back down on the ledge as he says, I'll pass if it means you'll stay. He is such a sweet guy. He cares so much. It touches me how much he's willing to give up for me, but I can't let him pass on the opportunity.
I look directly into his eyes so he knows what I'm saying is the honest truth. I tell him, You should take it. I don't want to be here anymore. Really, if it's not you, it'd be somebody else, and I'd rather it be you.
You gonna try and stay in Chicago?
I don't know. I turn around to look over the city again as if somewhere, out there in the distance, is the answer. This is my home, I don't know where else I'd go.
I think there's still a spot open at Northwestern. He's trying to be helpful, I know. He gives me time to let that sink in, but my mind races to other places.
In the silence of the night, I think about all I've given up for the sake of this hospital and my career which now lay in ruins. I spent an obnoxious number of hours studying in med school to be at the top of my class. Residency required even more time devoted to study and preparation in addition to the actual work hours. Outside of that, I put in countless hours doing studies and writing papers in order to get published. I spent time teaching and presenting lectures. Even though I used my maternity leave to get some of that extracurricular work done, I still had to make up days for my residency, causing me to lose holidays and other days off for literally months.
I think about the fact that all of this took every bit of my 20s away from me. Now here I am. I'm 31 years old and have no social life, no family of my own and now no job, no career, nothing. Was it worth it? At this moment, it appears not.
I don't want him to make the same mistake I did, so I say, Promise me John that whatever sacrifice you make for this place, you just make sure it's worth it.
I break down into tears. I'm unable to reconcile the effort with the result. The one thing in all this that I am grateful for, is my friendship with John. He listens, he helps when he can, but he never judges me. I'm comfortable letting him see me like this because I know it will stay between the two of us.
He sees my tears and takes my hand, pulling me close to himself. He puts his other arm around my shoulders. I bury my face in his chest and continue to cry. He holds me tighter and kisses the top of my head. Safe and protected in his arms, I let all the emotion that I kept bottled up inside all day, escape with my tears. I'll definitely have to replace that tie.
He holds me quietly, allowing me to cry it out. As the tear flow slows, he asks "have you eaten today". I look up at him and shake my head no. "How about if I take you to Rudy's for dinner?"
"My stomach's been in a state of turmoil all day, I don't think I could keep anything down" I tell him.
Releasing me from his embrace, he clasps my hands in his and says "I don't think it's a good idea for you to go home and be alone tonight."
I look him in the eye and tell him "I'll be alright." I don't want to be a bother to him, cut into his evening. He's already been so wonderful to me.
"How about that English Tea Room you've been wanting to go to?"
"The one you said you wouldn't be caught dead in?"
"I'll make an exception for tonight. You shouldn't be alone after a day like today." He gives me that look that I have never been able to refuse. I guess it's fair though. I do it to him too.
"How about take out and a movie rental" I ask.
He drops my hands and puts his arm around my shoulder steering me to the walkway that leads to the main part of the roof. "I pick the movie, you choose the takeout" he responds.
"Deal. Dim Sum tonight."
"Now my stomach's gonna revolt!" he teases. This time, I manage a little giggle. Out on the main part of the roof, the wind kicks up and it's downright chilly. We hurry toward the door. By the time we get there, I've made up my mind. I will not beg Weaver for my job, but I will find a way to get it back, the attending part anyway. John will make a great Chief Resident.