Chapter 10: The Loved and the Lost
XXXXXXXXXX
Your love led me out of the shadows, but I dare not stand in the light. What once was loved is lost, and what once was a dream has come to life. The only thing holding us back is the person I was. Do I hold on to him? Or do I let go?
XXXXXXXXXX
"Kami, how long has it been since we heard anything?" asked Rukia, glancing down at Emiko, who was leaned up against her and fast asleep, "I would have taken Emiko back to Kuchiki Manor with me if I had known it would be such a long time. She needs the rest."
"You do too," Renji said quietly, "You've been as worried about him as I've been."
"I'm okay. And anyway, I wasn't the one who was out there fighting that storm hollow. I will be…"
She broke off as Captain Unohana entered the private waiting room. Renji nudged Emiko awake and the three looked up at the fourth division captain with questioning eyes.
"I am glad to tell you that Bya has escaped death. We were able to decrease the swelling in his brain, and there appear to be no signs of lasting damage. He did have significant injuries, so even once he wakes, he will need to remain in the Seireitei for an additional week or so to receive continuing treatments."
"But he will wake up soon?" asked Emiko worriedly.
The healer gazed at the girl sadly.
"I cannot say. That depends on many things, but I think that if you sit with him for a while and talk to him, it will help him to find his way back. Talk to him about the good times and things you have enjoyed together, and talk about the things you want to do when he gets well. Isane will be here to monitor his condition. Rukia, why don't you go ahead and take Emiko in to see him? I am sure she is very anxious. Captain Abarai, I would like to speak to you for a moment."
Renji watched silently as the two followed Isane out of the waiting area.
"What is it?" Renji asked quickly, "Is there something more wrong with him than you wanted to say?"
"Well," said the healer, "I found something very odd when I examined him."
"What do you mean?"
When I scanned Bya's body for damage, I discovered something unexpected. You see, with his low reiatsu, I would have expected for him to lack proper spirit centers. The ones who do not develop into shinigamis usually have fewer, less developed spirit centers. But when I scanned Bya's body, I found that, not only did he have seven spirit centers, marking him as a person with strong potential, his spirit centers are fully developed, indicating years of training and advancement."
"B-but…how is that possible?" Renji asked, his eyes widening, "I mean, if his spirit centers are like that, then why is he without powers?"
"I sense a powerful seal that has been placed on them. You know that normally, we seal away a shinigami's power using the spirit bands set in our wrists. But this seal defies all known logic. It is a heavy enchantment. And not one among the shinigamis today is capable of placing such a seal. It has been directly placed upon the spirit centers, something that none of us have the power to do. And in that, it suggests divine intervention."
"Wha…you mean…someone from the spirit dimension did this to him?" Renji whispered in shock, "Who would do that? And why?"
Unohana shook her head sadly.
"I cannot even tell if it was a friendly spirit or demonkind. And because we are not allowed to directly interact with that world, it is unlikely we will ever know. But I thought that you would want to be aware."
"So, what do we do?" Renji asked softly, "How do we help him?"
The healer shook her head.
"There is really nothing we can do. We cannot give him back his powers, so we must make him well again and let him choose his path from there."
"Damn," Renji sighed, "I guess this must have something to do with the fact he can't remember his past, right? So does that mean he never will?"
"I do not know. But, if he does remember, at some point, then it may open a path to returning his powers. There is just no way to be certain unless he remembers how this was done."
"I see," said Renji, nodding, "Thank you, Captain Unohana. I guess I suspected all along that there was more to Bya than meets the eye, but…hell…I had no idea!"
He watched as the healer took her leave of him, then turned in the direction that Rukia and Emiko had gone.
XXXXXXXXXX
Byakuya felt the onset of tears and, not wanting to be seen in such a state, he masked his reiatsu, left his room and flash stepped away from the manor, passing through the darkened garden trails and out onto the forest path. He ran through the trees to the place where they ended at the waterfall and dropped down onto the open meadow below. He fell to his knees at the edge of the lake and stared at the moon's reflection on the surface of the water, trying to force down the dark emotion that threatened to overwhelm him.
"We should not shed tears," he whispered, closing his eyes, "That is the surrender of the body to the heart. It is only proof that we are beings who to not know what to do with our hearts."
But the words his grandfather had taught him, the words passed down through time in his noble family refused to comfort him, even as he repeated them.
"W-we should not shed tears. That is the surrender of the body to the heart…"
And he had a strong heart. He had resolve and discipline. He had stood quietly and with a solemn expression when his parents died, when Hisana died, and as he had watched Ginrei disappear into the spirit dimension, even knowing his grandfather would not return. But none of those things had cut him with such severity as walking away from the best thing that had ever happened to him…knowing that each of them would still be alive and well, but that they would be locked into different dimensions…and that even if he returned for the cherry blossom viewing once a year, his heart would never stop feeling empty. The princess might be as beautiful as the moon and stars, and she might be a wonderful person, but she wasn't Renji. And the only person his heart longed for was Renji. He couldn't see anything, not even royal privilege or duty changing that. He might have to quietly take the steps that led to the palace, but it would never be his home. And he might have to give his hand in marriage to the spirit king's daughter, but she would never have his heart.
And his heart would be trapped here, far away from his body, in this place where he and Renji had spent so many secret hours holding and loving each other. He might never see Kuchiki Manor again…because even though he would be allowed to travel there once a year, he didn't know if he could come back…if he could bear to see Renji. He hated to think of how badly his lover would be hurting, or of the anger he had expressed the last time they saw each other.
"Are you still angry with me?" he whispered, "Do you hate me for this? Kami knows, I hate myself."
And suddenly it was too much for him. He collapsed on the edge of the lake, sobbing almost more silently than the softly blowing breeze that touched his unbound hair. He wasn't sure how long he laid in the mud at the edge of the water, crying, but gradually, he managed to regain control. He lifted himself slightly and caught sight of his reflection in the water.
And he was glad Renji couldn't see him…
Because dressed in nightclothes, on his hands and knees in the mud, his hair tumbled and his face drenched in tears he should have been able to control, he was a complete disgrace. One so weak in heart, he thought, wasn't worthy of that kind of love, so maybe that was why fate was taking it from him. But whatever the reason, he just couldn't seem to accept it.
But the night was passing by. The hours and minutes still carried him towards his fate, even as he clung desperately to the love that was about to be taken from them. He was secretly glad that he had made Renji angry at him. The anger would temper the feelings of loss. And Renji would have Rukia to comfort him. He would still be surrounded by his friends. But with the exception of Rukia, no one had known they were seeing each other. And once he entered the spirit dimension, not one soul in that place, but Byakuya's would know. And it wouldn't matter if he and the princess grew to be affectionate. The loss of Renji, the fact of being alone in that pain would shatter him inside.
"No," he breathed on the cold night air, "I am already shattered."
And he couldn't bear the thought of facing the sun when it rose. He wanted this night's moon to stay in the air overhead, the stars to freeze in place. But there was no way to stop time, no way to be loosed from its tight embrace, except…
He shivered as the thought passed over him. It was a thought as weak as the tears he had been crying. But as the night wore on and the cold seeped into him, he felt the emptiness that had opened up inside and felt his senses leave him. Everything was gone. He was losing everything that mattered…Renji, Rukia, leadership of his clan and squad, the only home he had ever known…everything. Even knowing he would finally see Ginrei again was no comfort. His spirit was suddenly exhausted, as if giving himself over to this marriage had finally broken him.
He didn't know quite how he ended up on his feet, with Senbonzakura appearing in his hand, or what made him drive his weapon into the soft earth and grass beneath the sakura tree where he and Renji had last lain together. All he knew as the power swelled around him was that it was a way to stop hurting so badly, and cowardly or not, at least his heart would be at rest.
"Master," Senbonzakura whispered in his mind, "are you sure?"
"Senbonzakura," he breathed, "I am sorry my heart was not made stronger."
"I understand."
He took in one last breath of the sweet night air they had loved, and relaxed, letting his spirit centers open wide and calling forth the power that would incinerate Senbonzakura and him, destroying them, and turning them to ash upon the ground.
But as he did, a warm, calloused hand took his where it rested on the hilt of his zanpakutou and pulled the blade free of the earth. The power around them faded and the field went dark and quiet again.
He waited in silence for Renji to loose his anger, to berate him for being a cold-hearted bastard, for being weak, for giving up. The last thing he expected was to feel his hair drawn back over one pale shoulder, and soft kisses planted on his throat beneath his ear, to have warm, loving arms wrap around him and bear him to the ground beneath the tree. And before he could speak, his mouth was filled with the taste of his lover, his nose blessed with his exotic, masculine scent. The hands that had always stood between him and death, freed him of his yukata, spreading the soft material around his outstretched body, touching his hair where it lay, spilled out around his head. Lips and fingers calmed away the tears and the soft purr of Renji's heart against his breast soothed him.
He waited for the questing touch on his thigh, for the redhead's eyes to transfix him, for his fingers to prepare him for their lovemaking, but that strong, beautifully tattooed body rose over his and settled atop him, taking his length inside instead. He inhaled in a sharp, pained hiss, and lacing their fingers together, he began to move.
Byakuya had never seen anything so beautiful as Renji's well-muscled and moonlit body moving with catlike grace as the redhead's proud face gazed wordlessly down at his. His eyes fluttered fitfully and ached to close, but if this was to be the last time, then he wanted to stay connected, to watch, too see everything. He didn't want to miss a moment of their final coupling. Pleasure swept over him and gripped him, and for this one time, he surrendered, giving up his cries of passion to the night sky, not holding back anything.
The flames of completion hadn't yet begun to fade, when the redhead pulled away and entered him, roughly enough to make him cry out again, to make him grab the hard shoulders and bite down on the sweat-slicked, tanned flesh to manage the pain. Renji didn't stop to ask if he was all right, and he couldn't have answered anyway. He was already under the spell of those lovely red-brown eyes, buried in that wonderfully hot mouth and pulling impatiently on the redhead's thrusting hips. His fingers tightened and spread over his lover's round bottom and held him tightly as Renji gasped with pleasure and Byakuya felt the beautiful eruption of seething heat inside him. The redhead moaned and sighed with completion, then fell onto his chest, loosing a barrage of finishing kisses, leaving both calm and sated, with the heat of their lovemaking still flaming and circling inside them.
"Why?" Byakuya asked finally, "Why did you come here tonight? I thought I had driven you away. You were so angry…"
"Huh…yeah," Renji agreed, a sad smile rising on his lips, "I was angry for all of about five minutes until I realized what you were really doing. You forget. I've watched you more closely than anyone else ever has. I know what you're going to do, sometimes before it happens…and I know what is beneath every word you say. I knew you wanted to make me angry, so that the pain of your leaving wouldn't be as bad for me. But I wasn't about to let you get away with that. I wasn't going to let you face this night alone."
Byakuya felt a flush rise on his skin and turned his head away.
"I am…sorry for my weakness. I shouldn't have allowed myself to fall into such a disgraceful state."
Renji laughed softly.
"You are not even close to disgrace," he said, kissing the noble lingeringly, "You're breathtaking."
"I am covered in mud, stains and tears and surrendering to my emotions like a child. I feel sorry for myself, even when I should be there for you. Renji, you are always here for me. I am never there for you. Never."
"That's not true," the redhead said, stopping him with a bout of fiery kisses, "You gave me everything I need to get through this. You gave me your heart, your body, and tonight you gave me a gift you have never given anyone. You shed tears for us. You've never done that, no matter how bad things got. You've held me more than a few times when I cried, but you've never let yourself be that open, not even with me. And even though I'll only ever see that this once, I will keep it with me forever. And I want you to keep it too."
Renji rolled onto his back and pulled the noble onto his chest, smiling as his lover's face buried itself in his shoulder and throat, as it had so many times before.
"Byakuya," the redhead whispered, "Take this night with you. Don't try to make yourself forget. Just…when you're cold or you feel too alone, remember what this was like. Just because it seems like we'll never be this way again, doesn't mean everything is lost."
"What are you talking about?" Byakuya sighed, "I am marrying the spirit king's daughter. I will have to make heirs and perform my duties as prince, then when she takes her place as queen, I will be made royal consort. I cannot escape any of that. It is a lifelong commitment, Renji."
"Yeah…it does look that way. But you know what? The truth is…that as long as we're living and breathing, fate can still give us back to each other. Remember that."
They fell silent after that, looking up into the sky and holding each other quietly. As Byakuya's thoughts drifted, he remembered a time they had traveled to Inuzuri and Renji had made him dance in public. And he heard again the gentle ballad that played as they danced together.
One Last Dance
The fire is gone from your eyes
And tears run down your face
As we reach the final hour
Of this long, slow fall from grace
I can't see the future, and I can't escape the past
There's only time left now for one last dance
xxx
We were reaching for the stars
We were ready to make a stand
But we didn't see the path
Of fate's merciless hand
We gladly would have given it all to take a chance
But there's only time left now for one last dance
xxx
So how did it fall upon us
And steal you from my arms
And why am I alone now
Beneath this lovely moon and stars
And where are you now as the years go sailing past
And all we have left now is our last dance
xxx
I won't forget your eyes or that long last parting glance
And I won't forget the love in our last dance
xxx
As the beat starts to slow
And the tune begins to fade
As our hands must let go
There's one last thing to say
I will not be sorry, though it wasn't made to last
I'll just wait for you right here for our next dance
xxx
Even as you walk away
And I know you can't look back
Even though you won't stop now
And alone is where I stand
I know the day will come when at last you'll take my hand
I'll be waiting for you right here for our next dance
I'll be waiting for you right here for our next dance
XXX
Byakuya felt light pressure on his hand and heard a girl's voice talking to him. His mind spun, trying to make sense of what had happened. He remembered being in the spirit dimension, the failed wedding and the king's challenge. He opened his eyes and sat up suddenly, startling the girl, the young woman and the man who all sat at his bedside. As he did, he caught sight of himself in a mirror across the room and inhaled sharply.
Sweet kami…
I wasn't dreaming…
This is real!
"B-bya?" the little girl said, staring at him through wide, teary eyes.
"I'll get Captain Unohana," Rukia said quickly.
Renji stepped forward and sat down on the bed next to him.
"Thank kami," he whispered, "Bya, I know you didn't want me to step in and do something like this, but I…"
Emiko threw her arms around his neck, sobbing and kissed him on the cheek.
"We were worried you were not going to wake up!" she cried, "We love you! We don't ever want you to go away!"
"No," Renji agreed, "I tried to honor your wishes, but I just couldn't. I was too afraid of losing you."
Byakuya stared at him in stunned silence, a breath away from revealing himself.
Then Renji leaned forward and kissed him.
"Don't ever scare me like that again, Bya. I suffered through hell to find you…and I am not giving you up now!"
The spirit king said that his love for me would make him see me. But all he sees now is the peasant I was made into.
And he loves that man.
Not me…