A/N: I'm sorry it took so long! I had so much problems writing this and I'm still not happy with it. I hope you'll like it though! I promise I will update faster!

HP

Harry lay on his side on his bed. His back was killing him and he was unable to lie on it. Even the water from the shower he had taken earlier didn't bring any relief. Silently he cursed Mad-Eye. The ex-auror was even worse than Snape.

Harry sighed and closed the curtains of his canopy bed, wanting to be left in peace if someone came into the dorm. Because it was Friday and there were no classes tomorrow, all the sixth years stayed up late, except for Harry who was exhausted. Mad-Eye had pushed him to his limits and the man seemed to have enjoyed it. For a moment Harry had thought to go to Dumbledore and tell him that Mad-Eye had tortured him, but the headmaster had personally chosen Mad-Eye to educate Harry. Harry knew Dumbledore wouldn't let any students suffer unless they deserved it.

Harry knew he deserved the sensation of invisible scorching daggers stabbing i his back because he was a failure. Mad-Eye had thought highly of him and assumed that he was capable of mastering very advanced, complicated and dangerous magic with the proper training. The ex-auror thought that Harry must have some uncommon skill in magic to be able to face He-Who-Should-Not-Be-Named and survive. But when they started the extra lessons, Mad-Eye was enormously disappointed at Harry's skills.

Harry had tried so hard to please the ex-auror but he just wasn't able to master the curse, which Mad-Eye claimed, was a very easy spell, which could be mastered by a third year student. After more than an hour of practice with almost no progress, Mad-Eye had given up teaching the curse. Instead he disarmed Harry when he wasn't paying attention and the only way Harry was going to get his wand back, was by taking it from Mad-Eye himself.

While Harry tried to reach the ex-auror to overpower him and take back his wand, Mad-Eye tried to hit him with a variety of spells. In the beginning Harry managed to dodge most, but after twenty minutes he was getting tired and wasn't able to dodge as quickly. Forty minutes later Harry was lying on the ground after he had been hit by a spell, unable to find the strength to get back up. It was then that Mad-Eye used the curse on him that gave the sensation of a dozen scorching daggers stabbing into his back. Harry had bit on his lip, refusing to scream. Refusing to be weak. When the curse was lifted, his back kept aching. He ignored the pain, took a deep breath and got up again, continuing the exercise while Mad-Eye tried to be very creative with insults. After another half hour Mad-Eye was bored enough to end the lesson, saying that Harry wouldn't manage to survive two minutes without a wand or ten with his wand. Then Mad-Eye left, leaving Harry alone in the classroom.

Harry had never liked the man, but now he hated him. Mad-Eye was cruel and hard and so far, Harry hadn't learned a thing from the extra lessons. The lesson with Snape was horrible, but the one with Moody had been a total nightmare.

Harry yawned and stared at the curtains of his bed. He wanted to sleep, but was afraid to dream, to have those horrible nightmares. Why have they taken my potion away? Don't they want me to sleep? He had trouble concentrating in classes and had a hard time casting spells which had earned him loads of extra work from his concerned had even asked him several times if everything was okay. If not, Lupin had assured him he would always listen, no matter what bothered Harry.

But Harry knew better than to spit everything out. If his uncle found out he would be punished and if the professors found out what he did to himself...
No. There is no way anyone can find out. They wouldn't understand. They would jusy think I'm weak. If I just could sleep well for just one night... He was sick of being tired all day long and he hated it that he was having so many problems in class. Harry assumed that his lack of sleep and his problems with casting spells was somehow connected. If he could ask Hermione, she would know but they hadn't talked since before the Christmas break.

Hermione occasionally shot him worried looks during classes as if she knew what had happened but she never spoke. Ron ignored him completely. It's better this way, Harry tried to assure himself. I can't get them hurt or worse, killed. He didn't like being alone the whole time, it reminded him of his time before Hogwarts when he wasn't allowed to have friends. Now he couldn't have friends because they would be an easy target for Voldemort. He had endangered his friends many times and twice someone had died: Sirius and Cedric.

Harry tried to swallow the bitterness and sorrow away. Why couldn't he be normal? Just for a little while. He wanted to have someone solve his problems for him, someone who would take care of him when he was ill. Madame Pomfrey took care of him when he was in the hospital wing, but it wasn't the same as how Ron's mother and father took care of him. Harry would give everything for someone to care for him, to have a family. But he knew that wasn't going to happen. Sirius was gone and he wasn't coming back. What other hope for a family did he have? He always tried to please his aunt and uncle so they would love him but they would say he wasn't trying hard enough to be normal. His aunt and uncle said they tried to love him like they loved Dudley, but they couldn't because he wasn't normal. When he was around five years old, he had even begged the Dursleys to love him, to hug him and care for him, but they came up with the same excuse they always did: he wasn't normal so they couldn't love him.

Harry sat down in the empty common room at a table near the fire. The small table was covered with books, parchment and an almost empty bottle of ink. Around 3 o'clock Harry had woken up from a nightmare full of accusing voices of his professors, friends and the people who he had gotten killed: his parents, Sirius and Cedric. Now it was three hours later and he was writing down the conclusion of his Potion essay. It was almost twice as long as required but he still hadn't managed to include all the information he had found about the most common antidotes, cures and how to brew them. Normally Harry wouldn't put so much effort into his school work, but it took his mind off his problems and worries. He carefully rolled up the parchment that contained his essay and put it in his bag. He still had a lot of work to do: an essay for Charms and Transfiguration and he needed to practise a lot of spells he had learned in the last lessons. He decided to write the Charms essay about spells that conjured elements like water, fire, wind and earth.

After an hour working on his charms essay, Harry heard someone coming down to the common room. He tried to ignore whoever it was and concentrated on the parchment in front of him. The footsteps came closer and still Harry didn't look up.

"Harry," said a familiar voice.

Harry sighed and slowly looked up. Not far from his table stood Hermione with a letter clutched in her hand. Harry nodded curtly and looked back down on his work.

"Why are you up so early?"

"I could ask the same," mumbled Harry without looking up.

"It's my mother's birthday and I'm sending her a letter," explained Hermione. "So I am on my way to the owlery."

"Great," answered Harry.

There was a tense silence between them. The only sounds came from Harry's quill, the rustle of paper when Harry looked something up in a book and the crackling of the fire. Harry wondered why Hermione didn't move, after all she was going to the owlery. After at least five minutes of silence, Hermione spoke again: "Maybe you could accompany me?"

Harry looked up; he was surprised by Hermione's request. They hadn't talked for weeks and now, suddenly she wanted him to keep her company.

"I'm a bit busy," said Harry as he pointed at the books in front of him.

"You look tired Harry. Why don't you take a break?"

"I'm fine."

"You're not," said Hermione, her voice filled with concern. "Hedwig would love to see you."

Harry hadn't seen Hedwig for several weeks, since she had stayed at the castle while he was at the Dursley's during the winter holidays. Maybe he should go with Hermione and visit Hedwig."Fine." Harry got up, closed his books and tossed them in his back. He didn't miss the small smile that appeared on Hermione's face. They left the common room and walked silently through the deserted castle corridors.

Hermione broke the silence after several minutes. "Are you okay, Harry?"

"I'm great," lied Harry even thought he knew that Hermione wouldn't believe him.

"Of course you are," replied Hermione, rolling her eyes. She knew Harry well enough to know that he was lying. He always said he was fine when he wasn't. "That's why you look so pale and you have enormous bags underneath your eyes."

Harry shot her an angry glare, but decided to stay silent. Whatever Hermione said, he wasn't going to tell her the truth. No one could know how weak he was. If they found out, they would all laugh at him and this picture would be on the first page of the Daily Prophet like last year.

"How was your holiday?" asked Hermione suddenly.

"Fine." It had become Harry's standard answer.

"Mine was great. I went to the Alps with Ron and my parents. Skiing was so much fun! You should have seen Ron, he was really bad at it."

"Sounds like fun." He tried to sound interested, but he failed. Hermione'sparents had taken her on vacation many times and he had only ever been to a small island to escape his Hogwarts letters. Even Ron, whose parents couldn't afford to go on vacation a lot, had taken their children to Egypt. Harry never cared much about trips to foreign countries, but he was jealous nonetheless. He didn't understand why people like Ron were so jealous of him, when he had nothing but false fame. Fame that was pushed upon him. If it was possible, he wouldn't hesitate for a second to exchange his life with Ron's.

"What did you do during the holidays?" asked Hermione.

Harry had the feeling she was trying to find out what was wrong with him and he knew she wouldn't give up easily. "Not much. The usual stuff."

"And that is?"

"Helping around the house so I wouldn't be bored the whole time," mumbled Harry, trying not to get annoyed or angry.

"I had this wonderful Christmas dinner." Hermione told in length about the Christmas dinner she had eaten and concluded her story with the expected: "What did you eat?"

Harry hadn't eaten anything on Christmas but chose to lie instead. "Turkey and now stop asking these questions. I know what you're trying to do."

"Harry, I'm concerned."

"Don't," said Harry angry. "I'm old enough to take care of myself."

"Why won't you talk to us?" pleaded Hermione.

"There's nothing to talk about!"

"There is! You're always sitting by yourself, trying to stay away from everyone and you always go to bed early but in the morning, you're always so tired."

Harry had no idea Hermione was watching him so closely. He had to be more careful otherwise there was a big chance she would find out one of his secrets.

"And Professor Lupin is worried as well."

"I said don't!" Harry couldn't control his anger any more. Why did they care? They weren't around when he needed them. No one was and then suddenly they were all over the place. He just wanted to be left alone. He wanted to fall into a dreamless sleep that lasted forever.

"Why won't you let us in? Why won't you let us help you?"

"Because," said Harry, almost yelling. His voice sounded deafening in the still sleeping castle and he was sure he would wake it up but didn't care. "You were never there when I needed you!" For a moment he looked at Hermione who looked like she was going to burst in tears. Then Harry turned around and walked away, longing to be one his own. Longing to make the pain go away.

RL

Normally Lupin didn't sit in his office so early on the weekend, but his body ached too much to sleep after the full moon last night. Planning the upcoming lessons distracted his thoughts from his condition. He was browsing through a very old, thick, leather bound book when someone knocked on the door.

"Come in," said Lupin surprised. It was too early for visitors.

The door opened slowly and Hermione stepped into the office. "Good morning."

"Good morning Hermione, to what do I owe such an early visit." Lupin pointed at the chair in front of his desk, inviting Hermione to sit down.

When Hermione sat, she took a deep breath and started talking. "You know that we, Ron and I, had an argument with Harry, no?"

Lupin nodded. He had a suspicion about what this conversation was about, but he remained silent, allowing the young Gryffindor to tell her story.

"We haven't talked since before the Christmas break and when he came back to stay in the Gryffindor tower we didn't talk either. I don't think he knows that you've told us about what happened," said Hermione seriously. "I kept an eye on him for the last week and he has changed."

"Yes," agreed Lupin. "I noticed it as well." He decided not to tell Hermione about the time had found Harry after his lesson with Professor Snape.

"He is always sitting in the back of the class as if he hopes that no one would notice him. If he doesn't skip dinner he sits at the end of the table all by himself. He always goes to bed early but in the morning he looks very tired and he has a lot of trouble in classes," said Hermione worried. "At the start of the year he acted a bit odd as well but I thought it was because he had to get used to Ron and me being a couple."

"I didn't notice that." Lupin was troubled. Was Hermione right? Did Harry act oddly at the beginning of the year too? He tried to recall, but couldn't think of anything odd.

"Only Ron and I did, I think."

"Have you any idea what might be going on?" asked Lupin.

"At first I thought it might be Sirius but now I don't." Hermione sighed before continuing. "I don't believe the story of the fight."

"I doubt it's true," said Lupin. He was afraid that in some way Harry's condition two days ago and the cuts on his arm were related but chose not to worry Hermione even more.

"Why won't he tell us what really happened? Can't we use Veritaserum on the Dursleys?"

Lupin couldn't help but smile at Hermione's suggestion. It wasn't like her to be so desperate. "I don't think that's a good idea, or not for now. Keep an eye on Harry if you can and I'll try to talk to him."

Hermione nodded. "I really think we need to find out what's going before something bad happens."