A/N: I probably should apologyze for this to take so very, very long but let's be honest... mere sorry's won't do it here anymore. I cheated on this story, pure and simple, wrote one-shots and almost three other finished stories instead... When I uploaded the last chapter in March, I was worried I would run out of content until season 5 would come out... Haha... I'm just glad I managed to finish this one at least.
It was hard to write this one. I wrote myself into a dead end and had to delete and rewrite almost half the chapter until I finally found a way out. This, too, was very discouraging and also led to writing other stuff instead. But I don't want to abandon this story, I still like it very much.
Edit: To tom80: I thought so, too, at first. But the exact wording is '...in less than three moons...'.
So, have fun reading everyone ;)
Race to the Edge 3 (Part I)
Dear Diary
I wish I could tell you that life here at Dragon's Edge had returned to normal. But that would be a lie and I don't want to lie to you… However, compared to what I call the Viggo-episode and the weeks and months that had followed, we truly did regain some normalcy at least.
It took some time but in the end, Hiccup did see reason and… Well, he did not stop his search entirely, but he deals with other things as well, at least... During this past month now he only started about four or five attempts to look for Viggo and Snotlout always accompanied him. I never thought I would ever think so but the fact that he's with Snotlout during these trips actually is reassuring.
You know I was worried about Hiccup. The thing he said that day in the Clubhouse, it frightened me! It surely sounded like he didn't even want to defend himself against those Changewings. He assured me later that that's not what he meant, though. He promised me that he's not suicidal and quite vigorously, too. And I do believe him by now… mostly. No, he didn't give me another reason to believe he might… actually… But the mere thought…
I feel so guilty for… for… I don't know… For not understanding him, I guess. And for not putting more effort into reaching him back then, when he more and more drew himself away from me. I mean… maybe there really was never a reason for me to be afraid, but… but I still am! Even if it's true and Hiccup never actually thought to… to let himself get killed just like that… The fact that he said these word then... Maybe he really didn't mean them like that but I still fear this thought might still have been there, subconsciously, waiting for its chance…
And that is why I'm glad Snotlout is with him right now. Of course, Snotlout doesn't know about any of this. And I couldn't do much more than asking him once to keep an eye on Hiccup. Everything else would have made him suspicious and I don't want to put everyone on high alert when there's probably no reason for it.
Of course, I would like it much better if I could be the one to go with Hiccup on these trips. I do see why this is not a good idea, though… With Hiccup appearing to be more lighthearted again the Twins went back to their old habits and the sound of one or even a few more explosions is not uncommon these days. Someone has to stay and make sure they don't blow up the entire Edge…
But I have to admit… aside from my fears and worries about Hiccup, our life here is about to return to normal. Our daily training changed toward more defensive skills though, which in my opinion is a good thing. Hiccup made us train to fly zigzag and try things like Toothless' barrel roll to avoid arrows and catapults. This is actually more difficult than I would have thought and requires much more concentration than I expected. But again, that is a good thing for it distracts me quite effectively from any other thoughts.
And by that I mean, of course, Hiccup… Things between us are still… confusing, to say the least. I still don't know where we stand, exactly. Our daily interactions started out strained and tense a month ago but by now they've reached an acceptable level of… of… bearableness, I guess… It still feels strange somehow but it is getting better. By now we can sit together, just the two of us or with the rest of the gang, without it getting awkward. We can talk tactics and strategies, argue about them without the need to hold back, considering each other. We can chat and joke almost unrestrained and laugh with only a slight edge to it. This is not, however, how I would describe a healthy relationship…
It also occurs sometimes that we happen to touch each other. When that happens it is not as bad as it was a few weeks ago. My heartbeat still accelerates every time and a few times I even gasped, unable to help myself, but mainly we continue whatever we did without acknowledging each other.
You know, after we talked in the Clubhouse that first day, after… I thought we could return to what we had before. I tried to get close to him a few times. When we walked back to our huts at night, I sometimes took his hand in mine or when we met randomly during the day, I tried to embrace him or even steal a kiss. But Hiccup always backed off, uncomfortable and slightly shaking. He threw me pleading and apologetic looks, panting as if close to panicking and all but ran off.
I actually stopped trying after a few of these encounters… It is just too painful to see him running away from me like this. I have to be content with what we regained so far since I know perfectly well I can't push Hiccup for anything like this.
But then there are these few occasions when Hiccup touches me deliberately, when he is the one to initiate it.
There was this one time, two days after our conversation in the Clubhouse. Hiccup walked me back to my hut that night and took my hand the instant we were out of the others' view. I remember how my heart had leaped at his touch. His thumb had caressed my wrist constantly, drawing patterns over my skin, making me shiver longingly. When we reached my hut I was reluctant to part with him, hoping he might stay or at least kiss me. And for a moment I thought he would… He stood so close to me, his hands cupping my face, his eyes fixed on mine. He had the same conflicted look like before when I came to his hut to yell at him. He even leaned toward me, eyes already half closed. And then he groaned and made some kind of strangled noise, close to whimpering. He backed away then and practically ran to his hut without looking at me again.
Until that event, things had been fairly well but after that… I just don't know what's up with him. It's like he started all new, awkward and shy. Only that, sometimes, he still is the Hiccup I know. Aside from this almost-kiss back then there had been other… incidents.
The most common are by far Hiccup stepping up to me from behind. He wouldn't touch me but I can still feel his body heat every time he does this. I can feel his breath on my neck, tickling my hair there and making me shiver. And I can hear him groan as if in pain every time.
And then there are other times when we're in a conversation these days. Sometimes Hiccup seems to forget everything that happened then and, while we talk, reaches out to play with my hair or caress my arm or neck absentmindedly. I try very hard not to react, least I startle him awake and he backs off again.
I just don't get it… If he still wants to be with me, and from all these small signs I guess he does, then why is he restraining himself all the time. It is not like my feelings have changed nor have I given him any reason to think so.
1.1 Enemy of my Enemy
Dear Diary
I can't believe it… He lied to me… Hiccup lied to me! All this time I thought they'd… but… And of course, Snot never said a word… It suited him all too well, I guess. Having a day off like that… But for Hiccup to… after all we've been through… and to what length he went to prevent me from finding out… Gods, I feel so stupid!
…
But I better start at the beginning… You see, I overheard Snotl and Tuff talking just now. I was in the stables, brushing Stormfly and to be honest, avoiding Hiccup… The door opened and I heard them talking. I didn't really want to deal with them so I didn't greet them and just stayed behind Stormfly, hoping they wouldn't notice me. And they didn't, just kept talking, and I heard every word they said...
Tuff pitied Snotlout for he and Hiccup planned to go on another trip to look for Viggo tomorrow again. But Snot just waved that aside and said those weren't bad at all. I was glad to hear this but then he talked on and I could hardly believe my ears.
Snot told Tuff a secret. One Tuff was not allowed to tell anyone, not even Ruff. As if that would have worked… He told him that he never actually went with Hiccup on one of these trips.
Yes, you heard right! It seems like Hiccup and Snotlout always met in the morning, packed provisions, armored Toothless und Hookfang and flew off. But only to land on another island nearby where Snotlout would rest and watch over their armor while Hiccup flew off on his own again. And they went to all this length only to fool me!
I just can't believe it! I thought Hiccup had seen reason, that he wouldn't go on these trips alone anymore. Why is he doing this to me? Why is he lying to me? After all we've been through…
I confronted Snotlout thereafter… He caved in immediately, almost panicking, and agreed to stay in his hut, to not meet Hiccup tomorrow morning and to not talk to him until then. After all the precautions Hiccup made to keep this from me I doubt he would admit it now, even with me knowing already. No, I need to catch him red-handed.
I haven't gotten much sleep this night… this turmoil of emotions kept me awake for quite some time and even after I drifted off into sleep it was a rather restless one. I couldn't stop thinking about Hiccup… I'm so angry and disappointed because of him lying to me. I thought he was safe with Snotlout on his trips, or as safe as he could be at least with Snotlout… But now knowing he went alone nonetheless revived my worries for him anew and although he obviously made it safely back every time, I can't stop shaking. How easily something could have happened and we would never have known...
When dawn was about to break just now I got up. Trying to get some sleep was obviously a hopeless attempt so I gave it up entirely. I made my way to the stables and now I'm waiting, hidden behind some boxes on the far side where I know Hiccup won't pass. As determined as he is, he won't delay this trip, even if Snotlout doesn't show up in time. And he won't, I made sure of that! I'm going to catch him red-handed if he attempts to fly off alone and then he can't wiggle out of it. Either I can convince him to give up these useless attempts or he'll have to take me with him. It'll put me at ease, either way.
I sit here for quite some time, watching the sky brighten as the sun slowly creeps up behind our island and wonder how we could have ended up like this. We used to work together, we used to trust each other, even long before our friendship turned into more. But maybe that's it. Our friendship turned into something more complicated, making a mess out of everything. My lips start to tremble at this thought. Our relationship is one of the best parts of my life, I don't want to think of it as a liability. I shut my eyes resolutely to keep them from stinging so much but can't help the few lone tears from escaping them. And then I hear the rustling of wings.
I recognize Toothless in this sound by now as every dragon sounds differently, just like every human's steps are kind of unique. His is a high soaring sound, only audible as he's not putting much effort into being silent right now. They get closer to the stables and I make myself smaller in my hiding place. When Hiccup dismounts and steps onto the landing platform I can hear his voice.
"Snotlout? Are you here? " I smirk to myself. So Snotlout obeyed and didn't react to Hiccup picking him up. Truth be told, this is not a good sign. He should be loyal to Hiccup and not betray him due to simple threats. But may he, too, is still worried over Hiccup's behavior and then he knows I don't mean to harm Hiccup… much.
"Huh…" I hear Hiccup huffing. "Not here as well." It's silent for a moment and then I hear him open the door to the stables. Through the small gap in the wall, I can watch him as he walks to the far wall and picks up Toothless's armor.
At least! I think to myself and get up to confront him the moment he leaves the stables.
"NO!" I yell and stomp my foot in frustration. I glare down at the cast aside parts of Toothless' armor and tears of rage cloud my vision for a moment. He did it again! He lied and he flew off alone again! I search the sky, knowing perfectly well I won't find him anymore. Toothless is way too fast for Stormfly and me to catch up to him. Maybe she would be able to find or follow him as she sometimes does but where would be the point of that, really? They'll fly straight ahead for the next few hours at full speed to reach the outer perimeters, we would never be able to catch up to them.
With an angry scream, I kick against the metal plates, not caring whether I might damage them. It's not like they get any use anyway. Stormfly croaks at my side and nudges my arm, feeling my distress, and I ball my hands into shaking fists to keep myself from lashing out at her. Nothing of this is her fault after all. But I need to let off steam or I'll hit the next person I meet. I mount her and let her carry me toward my training grounds in the woods. I loosen my ax from her saddle again, where I'd already fixed it properly and start to slash at the targets mercilessly.
He'll regret this! Oh, he's so in for trouble! He'll regret to ever have done any of this. I won't let him destroy everything we build here just for his stupid sense of duty. He's not responsible for Viggo, dammit!
After going on like this for must have been hours, I sink to my knees and bury my face in my hands. I feel awful… I'm tired, exhausted and drained in so many ways, I just can't keep on going like this. Stormfly appears at my side again and I lean against her, snuggling against her side and let her comfort me. I don't know what to do anymore.
While the sun is setting, I stand on the landing platform in front of the stables once more and search the sky. I'm aware of the fact, that it might still be hours before they return but I won't let him slip past me. Not again! He'll have to answer for his behavior, no leader should act this irresponsible! Because right now I don't feel like I can trust him with anything, especially not his judgment of any situation.
This obsession over Viggo gets worse and worse. I'd hoped it would become better after he called off this crazy manhunt of the first weeks but truth be told, it only got different. Yes, he took care of other things as well, distracting us efficiently. But if that means he'll now lie to us and play tricks on us only to pursue his madman's goals than this it not better!
I stay there and wait, accompanied in between by Fishlegs and once even Snotlout, guilty conscious plain on his face. The Twins didn't bother themselves too much over this topic, but Fishlegs, too, was obviously disappointed when he heard about Hiccup's ruse. But the hours pass by and eventually, everyone retires to their respective huts, everyone but me. I stay and wait, back resting against Stormfly's flank again, until far into the night.
But to no avail...
Dear Diary
Hiccup has not returned… I spend the whole night at the stables waiting and well prepared to give him the scolding of his life, but now… I was so angry… I only thought of how reckless he was to fly off alone again and never even really considered the possibility he could not return.
Now the sun has risen once more and he's still not back… I even considered the possibility that he maybe went into hiding after his ruse, sneaked past me somehow to hide in his hut, so I checked there as well… In fact, I checked every place I could think of, but they are not here…
We have to look for them! Somehow, we have to find them! I know very well how hopeless this attempt is, but I can't just sit here and do nothing. We already talked about it just now, during breakfast, as the rest of the gang realized as well that Hiccup hasn't returned. We'll form two groups and fly to the north, where he planned to fly as well, taking different routes, to cover as much ground as possible. Snotlout will fly with me, on his request, his guilty conscience making him behave seriously for a change. Even the Twins saw reason and promised to behave after just a little threatening on my part. I just hope we'll find him…
"Astrid!" Snotlout calls after me, but I don't react. I already know what he wants…
"Astrid, wait!" he tries anew and I press my lips together. "We have to go back! It's long past noon" I just stare ahead, give Stormfly a sign to fly faster and she obeys, though only reluctantly. Just a few more islands… Maybe we'll find them on the next already. Maybe…
Suddenly there's a hand on my arm and I jerk upright, taking a startled look around. Hookfang glides beneath Stormfly, close enough for Snotlout to reach me.
"We're going back!" he states with an angry frown. "You can't even keep yourself upright anymore. Seriously, when was the last time you actually slept, you look horrible" I blink at him in confusion. Since when is Snotlout the reasonable one of the two of us? 'cos he's right… We have to fly back. There's still the whole way back ahead of us… And I'm so tired…
I nod and steer Stormfly around. "Hey, let me take the lead, okay?" Snotlout suggests and I raise an eyebrow at him. Is he going to boast again? I haven't heard much of that today until now… "And you get some rest back there. I can't bear to watch this any longer…" I stare at him for a moment, still confused and a little dazed as well. He's right, I haven't really slept in a while. But how could I?
I stare at the ocean beneath us, not really seeing anything. This search was unsuccessful, just as it was to be expected, but my heart shrinks nonetheless as we make our way back. I just hope Fishlegs and the Twins had more luck, I think to myself, follow Snotlout's suggestion and make myself comfortable on Stormfly's back to rest.
"Man, you're in trouble! You know that, right?"
I groan as Snotlout's voice suddenly wakes me out of my doze, far further than just moments ago. When Stormfly starts to descent, I blink at my surroundings, confused and dazed. Huh! I must have fallen asleep after all and for quite some time, too, for right now, we're landing in front of our stables at Dragon's Edge. I drowsily watch Snotlout leading Hookfang inside and shake my head in an attempt to clear it before I dismount as well. Or that's what I planned to do at least…
My legs are stiff and numb from the day-long ride and won't obey me correctly. Struggling for a moment to lift the right one over Stormfly's back, I slide off of her too soon and slump down to land butt first on the wooden platform. Exasperated, I brace myself for the impact – that never comes.
Instead,I land in a pair of strong arms, holding me tightly and securely as they lower me carefully to the ground. I whimper at the sensation of these all too familiar arms around me and lean closer, seeking his warmth and consolation.
I stand at the side in our Clubhouse, leaning against a wall and arms crossed in front of me, while my eyes linger on Hiccup. He's sitting at the table just a few steps away, back toward me, and tells us everything that happened during the last two day. Or so he says...
I have a feeling he's still not honest with us as if he's still hiding something, keeping something from us, but I can't put a finger on it. Maybe it's just my cracked trust in him that makes me feel this way…
Apparently,his dearest wish came true and he happened to stumble over a bunch of Viggo's Hunters but only for them to shoot Toothless down with a dragon root arrow, rendering Hiccup defenseless and vulnerable in so many ways. He says they were able to find shelter in a hidden cave behind a waterfall and that he happened to stumble over the recipe for an antidote to the dragon root as Toothless seems to need much longer to recover from it. He says that he left their hiding place, that he went to look for the ingredients and got caught by the Hunters after all. At this point Hiccup pauses in his report, voice strained and back hunched over. It must have been hard for him to get caught while Toothless was still down and hurt. Retrospectively, I should be worried for the two of them but somehow I can't feel any of this. For once, they are safely back by now and… It's like I'm barren for any emotions right now, like I felt just too much during the last days and now my heart and mind are numb to any of this.
And in the end, Hiccup did escape the hunters, Toothless got alright again and they both returned. Apparently, they ran into Snotlout and me on their way back and as the cowards they both are, the boys didn't wake me until we reached the Edge.
Shuddering, I close my eyes for a moment, blending out the Clubhouse and my friends around me. The memory of his arms around me earlier is still vividly alive in my mind. How he held me, drew me even closer, of his body heat and his scent invading my senses, turning me into a whimpering and helpless mess in his arms. It was just too much in that moment… my worries for Hiccup over the past weeks, my anger after I learned of his ruse, the anxiety of fearing for his life again and then, finally, the relief of having him back, of being held by him once more. It's all too much…
Hiccup finished his report and the others ask many questions now but I don't participate in that. Yes, it might be interesting to learn how this antidote is made or how exactly Hiccup managed to escape the Hunters but right now I can't bear to hear any more. I push myself off the wall and, without another word or glance, walk past him and leave the Clubhouse.
1.2 Crash Course
Dear Diary
Two weeks have passed since Hiccup's encounter with Viggo's Hunters and we still haven't talked… It's like there's an invisible wall between us. We see and greet each other, we work together if necessary, but we don't talk…
At first, I thought this was about Hiccup again. That this new setback upset him once again. He reached his goal, after all, to find a trace of Viggo and his men, but only to have it backfire in his face. I worried a lot about this, really, not sure anyone here could take this from Hiccup once more, but by now I know that's not the case.
His encounter with the Hunters seems to have cured him of his wish to hunt them down, at least. He promised he won't go after them again, and for once he was convincing enough to even settle my skeptical mind. And then, he's eager to engage in other projects, building up our defenses especially. We built new watch towers and a whole lot of new catapults all around the Edge. He behaves much more like himself now then he did for months. He's not acting out being our leader anymore, he really is again. I have no idea what happened on this island where he and Toothless stranded but it made him see reason somehow.
But it's even more than that. He's Hiccup again. When the Twins fool around he reacts in his usual mixture of unnerved exasperation and fond humor. When Snotlout start to boast he gives him just the right treatment of kind acknowledgment and firm counteraction to restrain him without denouncing him. And the way he reacted to Fishlegs and these new Dragon Cards of his… The geeks at work again.
Only when it comes to me… to us… Maybe this invisible wall is not around him, but rather me instead, but… I'm not acting any different, not around the others and not around him. Or… well… Let's be honest, we don't interact at all, really. Not personally, at least. Whenever possible, Hiccup assigns us to different groups. It's the old reason again I came to hate… That Snot and the Twins won't work properly without one of us to watch over them. And when there's a day where we all work as one group, he's all business, dividing the work reasonably, making sure either he or I have enough to do as to not let the possibility occur we could actually spend time together…
Ah, but I'm being unfair… It is not just him… I'm keeping my distance as well, making sure I always have enough to do, taking additional chores whenever possible. I just don't know myself where we stand right now. We have to talk, I guess, and soon, too. I should make up my mind then, shouldn't I? What do I want to say to him, when he gives me the chance to do so? What possibilities do we have, really? Hel, I don't even know what I want right now!
Do I even want to keep our relationship upright? After all that happened? I'm not even sure anymore… Is that even possible? These days I feel like I don't know him anymore. I mean… of course he's still Hiccup, but… but he's not my Hiccup anymore. Everything that was between us, every connection we had… all this seems to be gone. The familiarity, the trust, always knowing each other's thoughts… I want nothing more than to go back to what we had… Right now, I'd even take our dreaded friendship back, for even that was better than what we have now.
Maybe we just need more time… time to regain normality, to cope with everything that happened. There was this encounter with the Fireworm Queen and the Cavern Crusher two days ago… That one felt a lot like our normal adventurous life out here, dealing with wild dragons, finding new species, and no Viggo anywhere to be seen. Maybe we just need more of these normal days to return to what we had… But somehow I doubt that…
1.3 Follow the Leader
"Astrid?"
I freeze and my hands begin to shake. It's been quite some time since I heard him speak my name outside of drills or chores. I don't answer, don't turn toward him, couldn't do so, in fact, even if I wanted to. My heart is beating rapidly and my breaths come in short. And he only said my name, for Odin's sake!
"Do you have a moment? Please?" he asks and this last word, spoken so pleadingly as if he expects a rejection, almost breaks my heart. I take a deep breath to collect myself and turn toward him, hard-pressed to keep an easy smile on my face.
"Of course!" I answer and gulp, when I see Stormfly and Toothless behind him, saddled and ready to fly off. So, it's getting serious… He doesn't want to take any chances, doesn't want anyone to interrupt us. I can feel panic rising inside me. I'm not ready for this conversation, not yet. How should we go on? What do I want?
Ah, but that's easy… I want just what I always wanted...
We fly toward the Clubhouse where the rest of the gang is gathered, waiting for today's plans to be announced. Hiccup tells them the two of us will go on an exploration trip and that Fishlegs is in command to handle things as long as we're both gone. I can see Fishlegs' chest swell with pride at this, well, even more!
This I unfair to him… Hiccup knows just as well as I do that Team Snotnuts, won't listen to Fishlegs, no matter how officially Hiccup puts him in charge. But then, they're just playing some game of cards, so maybe they won't blow up the Edge in our absence after all.
We land on a small island not too far from the Edge. I know it's practically uninhabited, too small for any dragons but a flock of Terrors to live here. We dismount in a meadow, the sound of a nearby stream and the birds' tweeting filling the air, and I'm getting nervous again. None of us had said a word during our flight here but now we can't put it off any longer.
Reluctantly, I turn toward him. How does one start a conversation like this? And what is it going to be anyway? A makeup or a breakup? Which one would I desire and which one would be the wisest solution? I know the answers to these questions… And I don't like them.
"Hiccup… I…" I begin but break off again. I just don't know what to say. I want us to sort through this mess, get over this awkwardness and return to our comfortable teamwork. But I don't know how to reach this goal. Hel, I don't even know what exactly our problem is right now! But Hiccup seems to be better prepared than I am. He steps toward me without hesitation and takes my hands in his.
"Astrid, I want to apologize!" he begins and although this is a far better start, I can't suppress a snort.
"For what exactly?" I ask bitterly and he winces, a pained expression on his face. I feel sorry for my words and tone instantly, although I wouldn't take them back, even if I could. Because they are too true. There are so many things he could and should apologize for. I know that I made mistakes, too. Maybe I should have put in more effort into reaching him during this first week after the Viggo episode. Maybe I should have spoken my mind more clearly and loudly during the weeks of his crazy manhunt. Maybe I should have supported him more instead of trying to change his mind over this. Maybe we even could have been successful if we'd worked together. But then… he never really let me work with him…
"For everything…" Hiccup answers in a weak whisper and averts his eyes for a moment. For everything? Is he serious? This answer is just so stupid, so meaningless, and he knows that perfectly well! I intend to withdraw my hands from his, but he doesn't let me. His grip around them tightens almost desperately and his eyes meet mine once again.
"Please…" he begs. "I mean it! I'm sorry for everything! For being such a self-centered jerk, for neglecting my duties as your leader and… and for letting you down. Finding Viggo is important but I should never have lied to you! I have to keep going against him but not like this."
I close my eyes and inhale deeply. At least he sees reason that we can't go on like that. But I hate that he still seems to believe Viggo to be his responsibility. Because he's not!
"Astrid, I can't go on like the last weeks. I know I screwed up pretty badly but… but I hate how things are between us! And… I need you! I need your help in this. I need us to work together and… I know it's a stretch after what I've done but… I need us to trust each other, just like we always did. I can't do this without you!"
There's a strange pressure on my chest and it keeps me from breathing normally, keeps me from thinking. What he just said… it is what I want, too. Just a few minutes ago, I thought about this. Why does it hurt so much now?
"So, you need me as your second in command?" I ask to make sure, the unspoken second part of this question hanging between us like heavy rain clouds. I chance a look at him again and find him in much the same position as myself, eyes closed, face averted. And just like me, he looks up at this exact moment, his eyes filled with sorrow.
"My feeling for you haven't changed," he whispers and I should rejoice. Because beneath all the hurt and betrayal mine haven't changed either! I see that he has more to say though and it frightens me. No dragon or human enemy has ever frightened me like this..."But I… I can't… I'm not wor-" he swallows hard and hesitates before he continues. "I need to concentrate, need to focus on Viggo and his men. My feelings haven't changed but… I need to solve this mess. I need to concentrate on this and… and I can't concentrate with you around... well, like that…" He throws me a pleading look, begging me to understand him. And I think I do… Stoick taught him well! "Please, I… just need some time to get a clear head. A break, maybe, without… without having to worry about us as well," he breaks off and averts his eyes again. "I'm… sorry… that sounds so selfish. It's just… I can't go on like the last weeks. I need your help…" he shrugs, helplessly.
"I see," I whisper and I do. I see the future chief of our tribe and I can see that he'll be great. "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, right?" I add in a shaky voice. His father had said this often enough, even I heard it more than once.
And I can't argue with that. Of course, he'd need to focus on a task like this… I can't argue with that except that it's not his task in the first place. But I know he wouldn't listen to that. And… Hunting Viggo to keep him from harming dragons and people alike… That is an important task and of course, I'll support him in any way he needs.
But as valid as this might be, it's just half the truth anyway, only part of the reason, a pretense in a way. Because I heard what he was about to say first.
I'm not worthy…
Dear Diary
What a day! Snot and the Twins almost blew up the entire Edge and Fishlegs found a cave with another flock of Night Terrors. I have to admit, he really handled that problem pretty well and I'm glad to say that with this event some more normalcy returned to our life. Team Snotnuts it back to their usual mischief and Team Hicclegs returned into their geeky bubble. Everything is as it was… and I'm all on my own again…
No, we haven't broken up… not really, not officially at least. We talked about some of the past events and about what went wrong and somehow it all comes down to one thing. That our relationship really is a liability and Hiccup needs a clear head to deal with the upcoming problems… Bla Bla Bla… It did sound logical to an extent but I know him quite well by now, heard what he said between the lines…
It is as I thought, all these past events cracked and bruised his confidence, he feels guilty for everything that went wrong and therefore thinks it's his responsibility to get it right again. He seems to think he doesn't deserve to have a calm and happy life until then and that mostly affects our relationship.
Well, he managed to get things right with the Skrill. I just wish there would be an equally simple solution when it comes to Viggo and his Dragon Hunters, to Dagur and to Heather. In any case, all I can do now is trying to support him. He said he needs me… that's a simple and sober fact considering with whom else he has to work. Of course, he needs me as his second in command to rein in the others, to keep the order upright while he concentrates on tactics…
But still…
He needs me... And his feelings haven't changed… This knowledge has to be enough for now until this chaos has been solved…
1.4 Interlude
Dear Diary
Day by day, things here at the Edge return to normal. Finally! We're back to our normal shifts of duties and training and drills as well. By now, all the smaller damages are repaired and one can't see how much we neglected our home during the last months. And since we're now done with the maintenance, we also included a new task into our rotating duties. In addition to our normal patrols around Outpost Island, we make wider scouting trips to keep an eye on a bigger area, to know who passes nearby and what they want. That's not really actively looking for Viggo but maybe we'll stumble over something that'll lead us to him eventually.
And Hiccup… things between us are better now than they were during the last months… not good, but better. We really do work together again without it being too awkward, we're back on the friends level where working together comes almost naturally. He talks to me again… which is worth more than I ever would have imagined. He asks my opinion on his ideas and takes my advice into real consideration before he decides anything. We work as a team again.
I wish our relationship could return back to normal just as easily but I shouldn't force anything there. He's acting so hesitant, so self-conscious. I know, he said he needs a break, needs some distance, but… Well, I can't help it, really… I miss him! He's right there, every single day, we're talking and everything is normal. And then, for a moment we're alone, the others distracted or busy. Before, we would have used moments like that to steal short but sweet kisses, to hold each other, maybe to whisper teasing promises into the other's ear but now… Now, these moments become awkward and painful. Because we both know, we both remember and speaking for myself, I long for these loving exchanges. I miss him at night, too, miss his warm arms around me and his fevered kisses on my skin, but then, I'm used to that after these past trying months. These awkward moments, though… They are a new kind of torture. They are a constant reminder, that, despite the appearances, not everything is back to normal. Because we've already talked and there's nothing more we can do right now. It's just waiting again. Waiting and hoping that he'll come around. I hate it! And yet, I'm waiting… I'm waiting and hoping, looking for signs that he might get better, get over this insecurity and regain enough confidence to allow himself to have a normal life again.
1.5 Turn and Burn
"Easy, Stormfly," I try to calm her when she suddenly gets nervous, makes an agitated, trilling noise and flaps her wings to gain more speed. "What happened?" But of course, I get no answer…
We are on our way back to the Edge after an extensive patrol around Outpost Island and the adjacent waters. And something seems to have happened. When we get closer to our huts, I can see a column of smoke. Another one of the Twins' misplaced pranks? Or even an attack? But I can't see any dragons in the air to extinguish the fire or to defend against attackers, should there be any. I saw no signs of those anyway on my patrol.
As we get closer, I can locate the smoke's origin and despite the warm sun on my back, an icy shiver runs down my spine. Hiccup's forge… The smoke comes from Hiccup's forge!
"Faster, Stormfly. Faster!" I spur her on and bend down lower over her back. What in Odin's name happened? We land and I can see instantly that there's no fire, not anymore at least. The walls of Hiccup's hut are heavily singed but aside from that nothing seems to be out of the ordinary. Except for the still glowing coals that caused the smoke that is…
It's not like Hiccup to leave his forge unattended like this… He's always so careful with it. And fair enough, I find enough hints to think he tried to extinguish them. Apparently, he just didn't stay to make sure they really were. Where is he anyway?
"Hiccup?" I call out loud, but there's no answer. It's strange… A few weeks ago, this lack of response would have been normal, no matter whether he'd heard me or not. The fact that it is reason enough to worry me again almost makes me smile. Almost… Where is he? Where did he go so hastily that he didn't even properly tend to his forge?
And where is everyone else, for that matter? Fishlegs flew back to Berk for another load of Gronkle Iron, but the rest?
After tending to the still glowing coals as best I could, I mount Stormfly again and search the Edge. I can't find anyone… The clubhouse is empty and so are the dome and the stables. No Viking and no dragon to be found and even Stormfly's talent for finding Toothless fails.
I get nervous… What happened? Where did everyone go? I can't find any pieces of evidence for an attack except the burns on Hiccup's hut maybe, but even those don't look like an attack, really. I decide to check on Snotlout's and Ruff's and Tuff's hut as well but those, too, are empty. It's Snotlout's day off… there's no way he would willingly do anything today! He mumbled something about helping Hiccup yesterday but even then he should be around somewhere.
I search the whole Edge then, every hut and every other building, the watch towers and catapults, I even look for a note Hiccup might have left for me somewhere, in my hut or even in our Glowing Cave, but there's nothing. Not the faintest trace of Hiccup, Snotlout, the Twins or one of their dragons.
I spent the whole day on Stormfly's back, searching the island and the surrounding area but there's nothing, no hint or trace of anyone, and when it finally becomes too dark to keep searching, I return to the Edge.
Maybe they just flew off to check on something like when Tuff thought he would turn into a Lycanwing. Maybe it was no big deal and they're already back. Or will be back, soon. No need to worry, right? Please, don't let there be a reason to worry…
After settling Stormfly for the night at the stables, I return to our clubhouse and wait. I hate feeling this helpless, not knowing what happened, whether Hiccup and the others are all right or whether they need help, where to look for them… I hate just sitting around and wait. I hate waiting…
Why didn't he leave a note…
"Hey, A. Get up, sleepyhead, that's my part of the table. If you want some scrambled eggs, go and make some for yourself. These here are mine!"
Pain shoots up my back and neck and I groan as I stretch and blink into the bright light. It seems to be long past dawn, how long did I sleep? And why am I in the clubhouse? Suddenly, I remember what happened yesterday, look around in surprise and directly into Tuffnut's grinning face.
"Morning princess! Slept well?" another voice sounds from behind me and I turn to see Ruff smirking at me.
"What?" I ask and shake my head to clear it and get rid of the foggy feeling. What are Ruff and Tuff doing here, casually like that as if nothing happened yesterday? And where are the other's then? Where is Hiccup? But I can't ask that… "Where were you yesterday, what happened?" I ask instead. They seem unconcerned enough, but…
"Where we were?" Tuff gives me a funny look. "At the Awesome Viking Cave Club NorthEast, of course. Where else should we have been?"
I just stare at him. That stupid cave? We only had a few meetings there, after the Viggo episode and I wasn't aware that they were still using it occasionally. But, of course, they would… I feel stupid for not thinking of that cave yesterday. I checked our Glowing Cave, even though it hadn't gotten any use lately, why didn't I think of their cave as well?
"And Hiccup and Snotlout? Were they with you?" I ask confused. It wouldn't surprise me hear Snot was with them in that cave all day, but Hiccup? No, I can't think of a reason for him to spend all day with them in that stupid cave!
Ruffnut nudges me into the side and I scoot over and off her stool before she slumps down with another portion of scrambled egg on her plate. "They flew off with Stoick yesterday" she states casually and I stare at her for a moment.
"What?" I ask disbelievingly. "Where did they fly? And Why?" But they both just shrug, obviously not knowing or caring about the details. "And you didn't think of telling me that?" I inquire angrily. I spent the whole day searching the island, for Odin's sake!
But Tuff just shrugs. "You didn't ask." Yeah, because I couldn't find them, dammit! But I don't say anything. Arguing with the Twins about something like is pointless…
"Anyway, Hiccup said something about telling you himself." Ruff throws in and her brother nods vigorously.
"Right! Didn't they run into you? Or rather, fly into you. Because you were all flying, and all. Running through the air, that would be weird…" I stop listening to Tuff's unintelligible jabbering. No, they didn't run into me. I made a few additional turns around nearby islands, they wouldn't have known where to look for me…
Without another word, I leave the clubhouse and make my way down toward the stables. I'm angry... I want to be angry at the Twins for not telling me, but they are right. I should have thought of their cave, should have checked there as well. And I want to be angry at Hiccup for not making sure I would get this information, for not leaving a note and for not finding and telling me himself… But that stupid, too. Whatever Stoick wanted from them, they obviously left in a hurry or else Hiccup would have tended for his forge more carefully. There probably was no time for any special treatment and the twins knew, so why bother…
No, all I can do is being angry at myself. Again, I worried too much over nothing! This is becoming a habit lately and not one I like. I scream and kick against the stable walls. Why didn't he leave a note? I know I'm being childish and stupid but I can't help it. I was worried! I rest my head against the wooden wall I just kicked and try to calm down.
Stupid! I chide myself as an idea pops up in my mind. But I can't help it… Instead of going for a ride with Stormfly for her to catch her breakfast, I give her one of the always ready baskets of fish, saddle her and tell her to pick me up at my hut when she's done eating.
Dear Diary
I'm going to do something stupid… I know it is stupid! But then… It is not that stupid…
I'm going to go on a scouting trip to check on the outer islands and waters. That one was planned for next week and we haven't decided yet who would go but I don't see why I shouldn't go now. With Hiccup and Snotlout gone for who knows how long, there's not much to do anyway. I just hope, the Twins won't blow up the Edge when they are all on their own here but… honestly? Right now, I don't care!
I don't care that Stoick came and needed his help. I don't care how important that may have been. He left me in charge of the Edge, in charge of the Twins and didn't even leave a note to let me know!
But maybe, he needs a taste of how that feels… Or maybe he won't even care. I'm stupid and I know I am. But I can't help it… I'm going to leave for a perfectly regularly scouting trip, nothing out of the ordinary. Except I won't tell him. I won't tell him where I'm going. Let him see how that feels!
Gods, I'm stupid… and petty… But it really hurts! And I don't even know why, exactly… Probably because there had been a time when he would have left a note! There had been a time when he wouldn't have left without telling me… And I miss these times…
But I need to get going, I already can hear Stormfly outside.
I'm almost ready to get going. My provisions are packed and I told the Twins I'll be gone for a few days. The wide grin they shared should bother me, but it does not. I just really don't care right now! All that's left to do is getting the map from Hiccup's hut so I can mark the islands I checked.
It is strange, being in here again. I was here only yesterday but I only peeked my head in and left, when I didn't get any response. When was the last time I really entered his hut? I can't remember anymore but I guess we ended up fighting…
I wrap my arms around myself to chase away the feeling of loneliness. Coming here was a bad idea! I should take the map and get out! But where is it? I thought it would be on Hiccup's desk but it is not. I bite my lip and look around the room searchingly. The map isn't all that small, it should be easy to spot and it also is too important, Hiccup wouldn't just stuff it into a drawer. But it clearly is not here and it wasn't in the clubhouse either. It could be in Fishlegs' hut I guess, but…
My gaze wanders up the stairs toward Hiccup's bedroom. I don't want to go there… But it would be foolish to search the entire Edge before I checked the most obvious spots. I take a shaky breath and slowly climb up the familiar steps.
Coming here was a really, really bad idea! My hut is my hut, there is no other place I could go but there's a reason why I avoided going to our… my Glowing Cave lately. And coming here… My eyes wander instantly toward his bed, to where I've spent so many nights, warm in his arms. So many hours, sweating and entangled… The memories are overwhelming and by the time I took a searching look around the room, I'm breathing heavily, head dizzy.
I'm pathetic… I would never have thought it possible but I miss him. I miss him so much! We see each other almost every day and yet… And yet, I miss him horribly!
I spot the map on his bedside table, pick it up… and hesitate. Beneath the map, there lies a stack of loose papers and a piece of charcoal. To make notes about ideas that sometimes pop up in his mind when he sleeps, as he once told me…
Biting my lip, I pick up the charcoal and write a short note on one of the papers. Where I plan to fly and when I intend to return… I fold the paper once and place it beneath Hiccup's pillow. I want him to know…
I want him to know where to find me should something go wrong. And I want him to know that I did not forget to inform him about things like that. But I don't want him to find this too soon, I want him to worry a bit before that. In case he's going to worry at all at least… And I want him to know… that I was here, in his room. Petty and childish indeed, but I want him to think of me when he lies down in his bed and finds my note.
Stupid!
I need to get out of here! I grab the map and hurry out of his room and out of his hut as fast as I can.
1.6 Buffalord Soldier
Dear Diary
I was right… Going on that scouting trip… It was the most stupid idea I ever had! If only I wouldn't have done that! If only I would have waited another week as it had been planned anyway. I wouldn't have stumbled across that ship. Or at least that man wouldn't have been alive anymore… But now it is too late, I can change it anymore. And my stupidity is going to cost me my life…
The Scourge of Odin… That always has been one of these tails the Elders tell to the children to scare them. It is nothing a real Viking concerns himself with. All this happened so far in the past, it's not even real anymore! Or so I thought…
I didn't want to think about it on my way back to the Edge. That sickly looking man frightened me and the scratch on my arm he gave me hurts more than it should but still, I refused to think about it as I hurried back. But I should have! I should have stayed away from my friends, should have looked for another place to stay, maybe sent Stormfly with a note. That I won't return, that they must not look for me and that I'm sorry.
But I didn't think… And now they all are in danger! I have to keep my distance. Fishlegs said they can't catch the Scourge by breathing… I just have to make sure none of them touches me. That shouldn't be too hard. No-one would dare to do so anyway. Except…
I would never have thought I'd say that but I'm actually glad, Hiccup and I aren't as close anymore. That way, he should be safe enough and, hopefully, he's going to accept it more easily when I'm... gone. He didn't seem to be worried about me anyway and only showed mild relief when I returned this morning. All I have to do is keep up appearances and not let anyone of them see…
I only have to change the way I bind my bracers to cover that scratch. It still hurts but that's a small price to pay in exchange for my friends' lives. They mustn't know… He mustn't know!
Dear Diary
A month has passed and I can feel the sickness raging inside me. I get weaker every day and my arm hurts so much. Hiccup noticed of course, but I told him it's nothing. Nothing serious, just a scratch. Just a scrape that'll heal in a few days. And he believed me. Because he trusts me…
Odin, why? Why now? Finally, we're on a way that might lead back to where we were, back to the loving relationship we had. Because we talked again after I returned from that cursed scouting trip. Hiccup apologized for not leaving a note, the one I left for him obviously served its purpose. And I can feel his concerned gaze upon me every time I stumble or cringe during our training. He does care…
But I can't let him see that I do, too! It is too late, there is no cure for the Scourge of Odin, not anymore. I remember what my aunt Helka once told me about it back then when my family still hoped I might become a healer instead of a warrior. She'd told me that there used to be a cure but the Buffalords are all gone. There is no hope…
I feel so weak… Three months, it is said. It takes less than three months and then… But I guess I won't last that long anymore. I already am too weak to climb up the stairs to my bedroom. I could fly on Stormfly to the upper balcony but… but I guess I'll just sleep down here… This bench is just as good anyway…
Dear Diary
They are all gone… It is better that way, I guess. They all went looking for a Buffalord but I don't believe that's going to help anymore… Those are supposed to be extinct and even if there are any left, they won't find one in time. Not even Hiccup is going to be able to accomplish the impossible… I'm so tired… I was able to give a good enough show to convince Hiccup that I'll be able to care for myself while they're gone, but… well, the truth is, I just wanted them all to stay away from me! It will be safer that way… I just hope he didn't get infected during the last days. I tried to be so carefully but I couldn't prevent him from caring for me. Please, Odin, Freya, Thor, please, let him be alright!
…
They left food and water in my hut so I won't have to wander around a lot but even preparing anything eatable at all is so exhausting. And I'm not hungry anyway… I just… just hope they'll be gone long enough! I don't want him to see me like this. I don't want him to suffer alongside with me…
And I'm sorry…
Hiccup, if you find this… I'm sorry! I wanted to wait. I had so hoped to be with you again someday. But we won't get that chance I guess… Please, I'm begging you, go on! This is not your fault! You hear me? Not! Your! Fault!
I love you…
Where am I? Everything is so confusing… I flew… I remember lying on Stormfly's back… How did I get there? I don't remember… Don't remember anything! But we landed… I think. I can't feel the wind anymore and beneath me, Stormfly stands still. Yeah, I think we landed… There's a green field around us… green... Like his eyes…
I try to sit up, to look around but I can't… I'm too weak. My arms and legs don't respond as they should and my head is so foggy. Everything's turning around and around and around… I-I'm flying again! Or am I? No… I'm falling… I'm falling and-
And land in his arms. Maybe I'm already dead. I'm dead and this is Valhalla. That's the only explanation for this wonderful feeling of being in his arms again. So warm... I try to get closer but moving is hard… I want to stay here in his arms forever… I manage to open my eyes and there he is. I can see his eyes, filled with anxiety and worries and I want to say something, anything, to tell him it's alright, that he has to let me go… But I don't have the strength for any of this anymore. I think I can hear his voice, he's saying something to me but I can't understand him. I'm slipping away and all that is left is the wonderful sound of his voice and the warmth of his arms around me.
But all too soon he is gone again and I'm cold. I can feel the cold stone on my back and cold air around me and I shiver. I'm so cold…
"You need to stay with us!" I hear his voice a little clearer again. "I can't imagine a world without you in it…" he whispers and I want to cry. I'm so sorry! It is all my fault… But he's going to know how such a world will be in a very short time. I wish I could answer, smile, look at him one last time, but I'm too weak, too tired to move. And I'm so cold…
Everything's a blur… I hear their voices, see their bleary movements and I drift in and out of consciousness. Once, I can feel his warm hand on my arm I think, but I'm too far gone, everything is so fuzzy and faint. I cough and my whole body hurts. It hurts! And it is so cold… Why is it so cold all of a sudden?
"Hang in there, Astrid." Hiccup's voice echoes through the thick fog inside my head, muffled and distorted. "Just a little longer. Please! For me!" I would laugh if I could. For him… I'd do everything for him! Just a little longer… well, I can try to do that I suppose. Just a little… longer… It's so cold…
I'm barely able to open my eyes but I need to stay awake! Something happens, something important. I can hear our dragons roaring, the sound of their attacks and – are those crossbows? There's a fight! I… I need to help, to do something, anything! But all I'm able to accomplish is fighting down the darkness around my thoughts and although I can't get up to fight or even manage to open my eyes I can at least hear their voices more clearly now. There are many of those, all shouting at each other. There are Hiccup and Snotlout, of course, and Fishlegs calling out "You're a monster!" close by. That's strange… Why is he saying that, and to whom? I put in even more effort into understanding what's happening around me, into making out what they are talking about and-
"Ryker?"
I freeze, my entire being recoiling from that name. Ryker! Ryker is here? Then so are his Dragon Hunters, maybe even… I put all my strength into listening harder, understanding what they are saying. I can hear Hiccup yelling and another one's voice. That has to be Viggo. I never heard his voice before, but… It has to be him.
For a moment, I am relieved. Finally, Hiccup found him! Now, he can take back the Dragon Eye and all this madness is going to end. But when they keep talking, my foggy mind has a hard time to comprehend what's going on. Profits and losses… I don't understand what this is about… A dragon? Viggo wants Hiccup to just let him leave with a captured dragon? As if Hiccup would ever agree to that…
"Okay, Viggo. Okay, you win. Take him. Take the dragon." Hiccup's frantic voice echoes toward me. What? No, I must be hallucinating! He would never- "But leave us with what we came for, the Scourge antidote. Buffalord Saliva. I'm not leaving here without it. That's a loss I'm not willing to take."
No! He mustn't do that! "No. Hiccup." I try to intervene. "Don't give him... Not for me." But I'm not sure anyone heard me. Hel, I'm not even sure all this is actually happening! Those words exhausted me and I can't hold on to reality anymore. I try to pull myself together. For him… But it's so hard… Everything is so blurry again… and…
Suddenly, there's something in my face, on my lips… It feels strangely familiar, the rough wooden cup on my lips, the pressure as it gets lifted to pour its slimy content into my mouth. It tastes awful! I almost gag as the gooey liquid runs down my throat, agonizingly slowly.
"I know. I know." Hiccup's soothing voice whispers. "Just drink." And I do. I'd do everything he says… It is too late, I'm too weak to fight any longer but I'd do everything for him. I wish I could do more…
But then I can feel it… it's working! Only seconds passed but I can already feel that it's working. My arms and legs still feel wobbly but I can feel my strength returning and the fog inside my head is resolving.
"Hiccup…" I mumble the most important thing on my mind right now. "I think… I think…"
"It's working!" He exclaims and then it hits me.
It's really working! I realize, almost shocked. He did it! Again, Hiccup did what was supposed to be impossible.
Carefully, I pull myself back up on my feet, surprised by how easy it is all of a sudden. But, well, staying upright is not equally simple… I stumble and would have fallen if Hiccup hadn't caught me. I feel his warm familiar hands on my arms and wish I could just lean over, cuddle against him, maybe kiss him… But the fog in my head lightens further and I notice our friends around us. This is not the right time. We'll get the chance to talk, later. Because now, there is a later again!
I turn toward the nearest of our friends around us, not wanting them to get any ideas. It's Fishlegs I think but I barely register him. I don't care really, I'm still too baffled to still being alive! Stormfly greets me, too, and I'm glad to see her. She must have been worried for me as well. I cuddle and scratch her as she nuzzles me but my mind is still some yards behind me.
Hiccup did it… he saved me! Against all odds, he succeeded. I can't believe it… for centuries, no-one has even heard of a living Buffalord and he managed to find one within days only. For me…
Dear Diary
Here I am again, alive and well and all these past weeks, the Scourge of Odin… It all feels like a dream to me. You might think of it as a nightmare and I can't deny that it was a rather unpleasant experience but… Well, it wasn't all horrible!
It was nice to have Hiccup care for me… We grew closer during that time again, the awkwardness of the weeks before entirely gone now. He's still guarded and wouldn't kiss me or anything and yet… There's more again. I don't know how to describe it but…
I still miss him, his warmth, his kisses, his arms around me at night and yet… And yet it is not as bad as it used to be, not as painful. He said it once, his feelings haven't changed but I think I didn't really believe him. I think a part of me feared that his obsession about Viggo might have been just a pretense, an excuse to stay away from me. I know that's stupid with all the things he'd gone through because of that but that's just how I felt. And it made being near him so much harder, not knowing where we stand really…
But now… After what he said and did… Now I'm sure of his feelings again! He might have his reasons to stay away and maybe he's going to tell me about them someday or maybe he won't, it doesn't really matter. What matters is that I can be around him again without wanting to rip something apart, can work with him without it being awkward in between. I don't know what it is that's holding him back, not really, but… Well, to say I don't care would be a lie! But it is not important. He still has feelings for me and if he keeps his distance nonetheless, then I'm sure he has good reasons. I just hope those reasons can be swept off, can be made undone in the not too far future.
1.7 A Grim Retreat
Dear Diary
Things are getting exhausting lately! Ever since Viggo crossed Hiccup's path again after all those months now, he's obsessed with another idea. This one is not such a bad one and I actually agree with it but as so often lately, Hiccup is just overdoing it!
He tries to turn the Edge into a fortress and you know very well I'm not aversed to building up our defenses. But he's going just a little over the top, tries too much in too short a time. Strengthening our huts and the other buildings with plates made of Gronkle Iron simply takes time! We can't work hour after hour all day long, day after day and neither can our dragons. I tried to point out that we're all tired, humans and dragons alike, and even the idea of a vacation came up but Hiccup just didn't listen. But that's not surprising, really. He is used to working his butt off when he has a goal after all…
But I have to finish here, Fishlegs wanted to talk to me. He said he might have an idea how to convince Hiccup to let us all take a break after all, one that includes reasonable facts rather than just grumbling and moaning. That does sound promising so we might actually have a chance to convince him.
"Hookfang and I decided, no more vacation for us." Snotlout states tiredly, emphasizing the word vacation and I know exactly what he means.
"I think a better plan would be when we need a break, we'll just stay a little closer to home." I agree and Fishlegs chimes in, too. These vacations really don't deserve to be called that.
"Actually," Hiccup says hesitantly. "the best plan would be for me to lighten up a little on my Viggo obsession." I stare at him disbelievingly and wide-eyed but he just throws me a cautious and embarrassed smile. I don't know how many times I used that phrase on him and every time he vehemently objected to the word obsession. Reasonably worried, that's what he'd called it…
I smile back at him, wholeheartedly. Finally! If he finally realized he's literally been obsessed by hunting Viggo down then chances are good things will truly return to normal from now on.
The Chief and Gobber approach and there seems to be some kind of misunderstanding concerning Tuff's chicken but in opposition to Snot, Ruff, and Fishlegs, I'm not really interested in that. Instead, I lean against Stormfly's side, head resting against her neck. This trip really was exhausting and I'm looking very forward to lying down in my bed and get a good night's sleep.
"Astrid? Do you have a moment?" I wince at Hiccup's words, haven't expected him to approach me like that. I glance back toward the stable's entrance and see Gobber and Stoick following our friends up toward the Clubhouse, still arguing about the two chickens in their arms. We're alone…
"Sure, Hiccup. What's up?" I ask nonchalantly, but I can feel my heart beating rapidly. I don't dare to hope! Not really, no, I won't! But I do…
Hiccup steps toward me, closer than he's done in a very long time and I can feel the blood rushing through my veins. I'm instantly wide awake, my former weariness forgotten for now and look up at him. And don't like what I see.
Hiccup has a pained expression on his face that doesn't match what I've hoped he might have to say. He gazes at me for a moment, regret and guilt plain on his face and I swallow. Please, Freya, what is it this time? He gets even closer, close enough for him to brush his lips against my forehead for a moment. "I'm sorry," he finally whispers. "You were right. About the obsession, I mean. I should have listened to you."
I nod, breathing a little faster than usual. I don't know what to say to that. Of course I was but I shouldn't point that out. I'm just glad he's finally sensible enough to see it, too. "So, everything's back to normal again?" I ask hopefully and lift my hands to place them on his chest. I long to feel him again! But he catches my hands before they reach him and hold them tightly, hold them down, away from him.
"Yes," Hiccup answers cautiously. And his voice hints for more… "but only partially. I… we…" He breaks off and swallows, obviously trying to gather his thoughts while I can't say anything. I just can't! Not with him so close and not with the but that's hanging between us. "Viggo…" He finally begins and I close my eyes. Nothing good ever comes from that man… "I'm not sure how much you've noticed but he… he infected you on purpose!" he states and I frown.
"How should he have done that?" I ask uncomprehendingly. "How should he have known I'd be there that day?" But Hiccup shakes his head.
"I'm not sure how he did it, how he was able to even find traces of the Scourge again. But I guess they've been watching us all along, knew of our routines, our scouting trips… It was no coincidence that Viggo's ship was there, exactly in the path of your planned route. He counted on you to get infected, knew I would do everything to save you. He only needed to follow us, knew I would lead him to the Buffalord… I-" He exhales sharply against my hair and I can see he's trembling. "I can't let anything like that happen again! You almost died! He almost killed you just to get to me, to get that dragon. You were right, I was obsessed with finding Viggo but I fear the same goes for him as well. He's obsessed, too, with finding dragons. He seems to see it as a challenge, whether he can take them before I get the chance to save them. For him, it is all just a game but it is a dangerous one! People can get killed! You could…" He gulps again. "I can't let him think he can use you to get to me ever again. I couldn't bear to lose you…"
I stare at his chest right in front of me but my eyes don't really see anything. I can see where he's going with these thoughts and I don't like the path they take. I can see where it leads him…
"We can't be together," he whispers, his voice thick with emotions. "As long as I'm not able to protect you, I can't be with you. I just… can't…" He leans in closer for a moment again, his lips brushing my skin once more and I take a hiccupy breath. I want to object, his logic is so wrong but he doesn't give me the chance to do so. "I'm sorry!" He murmurs and hurries past me and out of the stables.
I gaze after him and try to keep my bruised heart in one piece. Nothing has changed, really. We know about our feelings and yet, we're not a couple anymore. Only now he added this note of hopelessness to it! His logic is so wrong! Viggo couldn't have known I would be there that day, it was a spontaneous decision! Maybe a week wouldn't have made much difference, but still… It could have been anyone else instead of me! No, Viggo didn't plan to infect me specifically. He planned to infect anyone! Because he sees through Hiccup, maybe even better than he himself. Because Hiccup would go to this length to save every one of his friends, not just me.
I wrap my arms around myself, trying to keep myself together, to not fall apart. It doesn't matter whether we're together or not, Viggo could use our bond, our friendship against us just as easily.
But I won't let that happen! With this, Viggo crossed a line and I won't forgive him for that! Up until now, Viggo was just another enemy, another madman who needs to be stopped but now he made this personal. Hunting dragons and keeping hostages, that's one thing. But even from afar, he managed to drive a wedge between Hiccup and me and I won't forgive him for that! From now on, Hiccup has my full support with whatever he plans. We'll hunt him down whatever it costs!
A/N: Another rollercoaster... Please, please, leave a review and tell me what you think about this, what you liked or didn't like. Those mean a lot to me! :)