Doctor Who reviews – Series 1, Episode 9 – "The Empty Child"

In this episode of Doctor Who, we get to see the ABSOLUTE STUFF OF NIGHTMARES. Good God, I don't reckon I'll be sleeping tonight. I'm certain of it, in fact. Steven Moffat, the episode's writer, certainly knows how to terrify the living daylights out of people. How is this show considered "family viewing?" I'm 16 and I'm terrified. But either way, it's also by far the episode I've seen in this series. Never mind "Dalek," let's get on with the nightmare fuel that is "The Empty Child!"

The episode looks like it's going to be an action-packed thriller judging by the beginning, as the Doctor and Rose zip through space in the TARDIS chasing a mysterious mauve object. We also learn that mauve is the universal code for danger, not red as it is here on Earth (we're just special snowflakes) something which made me laugh a fair bit. It is so completely random, enough so to be believable, clearly thrown in because 'why not?' And why not indeed! As the object heads straight for the centre of London 1941, the scene cuts away to the opening credits with the theme song that I don't think will ever get old.

After the credits of total awesomeness, the Doctor and Rose investigate the mysterious crash-landing object. The Doctor makes a speech through a hilarious scene at a nightclub while leaving Rose outside for some reason – I didn't see why he ought to be leaving her when there's ~dangerous alien stuff~ around; it seemed sort of irresponsible, but of course we had to set up the conflict somehow.

Because while the Doctor is giving his hilarious speech to the people in the middle of the Blitz, Rose is distracted by a child in a gas mask asking for his mummy on a rooftop and goes to look for him. In doing so she gets swept off her feet by a balloon wearing a Union Jack T-shirt. In the middle of the Blitz. It's an exciting scene, but it's also reason enough for me to dub Rose Tyler 'Danger-Prone Daphne' because she's beginning to make a habit of getting herself into these fixes. But I suppose that's unfair to Rose because much as I still love Scooby-Doo! (don't judge me), she, unlike Daphne, can actually get herself out of those fixes without just screaming and sobbing for help. Well, mostly. Her level of badassness in 'Rose' is enough for me to forgive her for virtually anything.

I don't know how much detail I'll get into in my retelling of the plot from here; with the characters all in different places it's hard to keep track of the order of things in my review, so I reckon I'll just summarise from here with interludes of my thoughts.

Rose is rescued by Jack, a hot American Time Agent played by the hot, hot, hot and why oh why must he be gay John Barrowman. I didn't know that there were any other time travellers, so this is a refreshing bit of information. He has a cool invisible time machine that impresses Rose, who of course has been utterly swept off her feet by Jack. Under any other circumstances, I'd be cringing at her falling in love with every hot young bloke she meets, but this is John Barrowman we're talking about so I can hardly blame her. If John Barrowman rescued me I'd be swooning too.

I did wonder at Rose's longing for a bit of 'Spock' from the Doctor, a bit more 'coolness.' I mean, you'd think that having a spaceship/time machine that's bigger on the inside and psychic paper would be enough for her, but noo, she wants more gadgets. But she considers Jack perfectly satisfactory in this department. Not for me, thanks, love. Jack's ship is cool, and the Nanogenes that heal rope burn are cool, but nothing beats the TARDIS. I'll travel with the Doctor given the chance, thanks. Then again… this is John Barrowman we're talking about… so…

While Jack serenades Rose to champagne and a Glenn Miller song on top of his invisible spaceship, the Doctor goes on investigating the mysterious object which I have decided to dub as UFT because I'm tired of typing out 'mysterious object' all the time. UFT – Unidentified Falling Thingy. The creepy child makes a reappearance when it turns out he can makes phones ring, and he calls the phone on the TARDIS' exterior, asking again simply 'Are you my mummy?' I found the child unsettling enough when Rose met him, and going by the title I expected the episode must have something to do with him, but I never expected this level of horror. So you can imagine my happiness (note sarcasm) when he showed up again, creepier than ever. Yep, definitely not sleeping tonight. The Doctor meets a girl we later learn is called Nancy who seems to know something about the child – and the UFT. Naturally the Doctor decides to follow her while also sort of looking for Rose as a side quest. (I THOUGHT SHE WAS YOUR TOP PRIORITY STOP THIS YOU'RE RUINING MY NEW OTP)

Nancy, it turns out, is acting like a mother to homeless children in the Blitz and cleverly eating the dinners off of the tables of wealthy families during the bombings while the families are in their bomb shelters. I loved the Doctor's reaction to this, but it definitely felt like something out of 'Oliver Twist,' which I really enjoyed. But just as everyone's settling down to a nice turkey dinner, the child shows up again and there's more nightmare fuel. Let's just say the next scene was what made me start whimpering because no why would you do this to me this is awful.

Nancy and the Doctor make a quick escape and Nancy tells the Doctor to go investigate at Albion Hospital, which is fairly neat because this is the same hospital the pig in The Episode That Must Not Be Named was delivered to for investigation. I got really interested when she suggested he go speak to 'the doctor.' I honestly thought this was about to be taken to the next level and that we were going to meet the Doctor in the past or future, but unfortunately it turns out this was just a trick to keep us excited and that it's just Gaius from Merlin.

The hospital scene might well be my favourite scene in the episode because the tension is brilliant as Dr Constantine reveals to the Doctor that all the patients and other medical staff in the hospital have the exact same injuries as the Child (not sure what else to call him – should I call him the Empty Child? I think I'll stick with the Child but please let me know what his proper title is). That, and their gas masks are merged to their faces. Not only is this great sci-fi mystery, it's also severely f*cked up.

Things reach a new nightmarish level as we see, before our very eyes, Dr Constantine turn into a gas mask zombie himself, moaning out 'Are you my mummy?' Not only is this an amazing, terrifying twist, the special effects used are also absolutely brilliant, even disregarding the fact that this show has a BBC budget. The greenscreen used in the Blitz scene more or less prove the low budget, and while I don't hold it against the show's quality, it was refreshing to see a bit of good special effects. And God is it ever disturbing!

Rose and Jack soon meet up with the Doctor, and the episode ends on a cliffhanger as the (gas mask zombies?) close in on our three characters, and the Child cornering Nancy back at the house.

Absolutely incredible, Moffat. This was just amazing.

THOUGHTS AND QUOTES

- 'Has anything fallen from the sky recently?' This scene. Oh my goodness YES.

- 'I'm looking for a blonde in a Union Jack. I mean a specific one, I didn't just wake up this morning with a craving.' Beautiful. I cannot tell you how much I laughed at this line.

- 'I'm not sure if it's Marxism in action or a West End musical.' BEAUTIFUL. Okay, the witticisms of the Doctor have just peaked in this episode. This is even better than what we get on Sherlock. I know that Moffat became the head writer for this show in 2010, so this makes me very happy.

- I'm a Northerner, practically a Scot, so I'm very familiar with Christopher Eccleston's accent. But I swear that when he said 'ain't nobody here but us chickens' I kept hearing 'no beers, butters, chickens' and would have been very confused if I hadn't been watching with subtitles.

- John Barrowman MMM HOTNESS YES.

- Jack's spaceship has so many cool gadgets it made Big Ben stop while he and Rose were dancing.

- The scene where the child makes his voice come out through the various speakers was easily the most terrifying – especially the toy monkey. Dolls and moving toys have always terrified me, and this didn't help. Thanks, Moffat.

- 'Do you ears have special powers, too?' Cheers for more Eccleston ears gags!

- 'Are you my mummy?'

- Certainly not sleeping tonight. Just not going to happen. Sad but true.