The World's Finest Soldiers

by Courier999

COBRA: a nebulous association of ne'er-do-wells with access to advanced technology, vast reserves of manpower, and a great deal of weapons. Opposing them on all fronts is GI Joe- a American-based elite fighting force consisting of the finest men and women the world has to offer. Rated T for violence and scary content. Set in the same universe as "The Evil Below". R&R!

10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10: The Trouble With Dreadnoks, Part 3

COBRA ISLAND:

"Baroness, why is there a blonde in my office?" Cobra Commander asked.

"That's Cadet Deming of Viper OTC."

"That's strange. I don't quite remember her being in the Vipers-"

"That's because she wasn't."

"Then how-"

"Her daddy is Robert Deming, one of the head honchos at Extensive Enterprises."

Cobra Commander drooped.

"Nepotism. Yippie skippy. But maybe she's actually really comp-"

Deming blew a gum bubble, which promptly burst all over her face.

"Grody to the max! Like, I spent all day working on my skin!"

"Baroness, is your gun loaded?" Cobra Commander asked.

"Why do you ask?"

"Because since I just saw that one of my Viper Officers is a valley girl, I want to go kill myself."

"Sorry, Commander. I haven't got any ammo."

"Joy."

"Hey, boss man? Do you want me to, like, rally the troops or something?"

"No. I'm going to my room to listen to Frank Zappa and Warren Zevon. They always cheer me up."

As he trudged away, Cobra Commander felt his phone ring.

"What is it, Zartan?"

"We're ready to move against GI Joe. You want to review my men?"

Cobra Commander perked up.

"You bet I would!"

He turned back around.

"Deming, you're going on a mission!"

"Tubular!"

"Gag me with a spoon." the Commander muttered.

He paused for a moment.

"NO! SHE'S GOT ME DOING IT! BARONESS- THE VALLEY GIRL DISEASE IS SPREADING! KILL ME!"

"I cannot, Cobra Commander."

---

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

I have no idea about Cadet Deming's characterization in the original cartoon. The whole reason I made her a valley girl who got her position thanks to nepotism was because I found it funny and because I like to think of COBRA's incompetence is partially caused by all sorts of shady practices such as nepotism.

Also, just imagine Cobra Commander speaking like a Valley Girl. Bonus points if you're doing it in Chris Latta's voice. Quick digression: while I do think Charlie Adler is good as Cobra Commander, I prefer the original Chris Latta version. Why? Latta's version was really hammy and hilarious, and that's the version I'm using here.