A/N: Hiya! I'm so sorry for the wait, but I can hardly ever find the time to write anymore. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter nevertheless :)

Your reviews and thought are welcomed and appreciated, so please do leave one. THANKS!

Chapter Ten

"Welcome home, Xav!" shouted the multitude of voices of his family. This was not good. Xav's hands were shaking and he was breathing faster and shallower. All of them looked so happy to see him, but Xav couldn't even force a smile. His mom threw herself at him, hugging him fiercely. He hugged her back stiffly, unsure what to do. He wanted to run out of that room, in the house he'd always called home, run all the way back to London and crawl back to Anton.

"Hello," he said awkwardly, not knowing how to act around his family all of a sudden. It was like his experiences in London separated him from them in an unreachable gap. Maybe they did.

He looked around at all their smiling faces, and tried to put on his usual fake smile, but it didn't work this time. This time he couldn't pretend he was okay, because he so obviously wasn't. He had no act to fall back on, because this was much more important than the petty jealousy he had been feeling last time he was with his family.

"Come in properly, and tell us all about it!" exclaimed his mother excitedly. They all gathered in the living room. All his brothers were there, presumably to welcome him home, but that just made him feel claustrophobic rather than happy.

Xav sat down, wishing he was back in London. All he could see was Anton's face. It was at the forefront of his mind, when he blinked his face was on the back of his eyelids. He wanted to shout, to scream and cry and breakdown and get on the next flight back to London. But he physically couldn't, so he sat there sort of frozen, not knowing how to do anything any more. He was completely lost without his soulfinder. It felt as though he had been cast out into the ocean, his one rock, Anton, lost to him.

"How was London? We all missed you over here," said Phee.

"It was great. I miss it already..." It came out with more longing that he had intended, and some part of him hoped that they wouldn't notice, but another part of him hoped that they did and asked him about it. It might give his brain the start it needed to tell them.

Unfortunately no one seemed to notice. "What did you even do when you weren't at work anyway?" asked Zed.

Xav felt physically sick, like he was going to throw up. Surely talking to your own family shouldn't be so hard? But life had warped the things that should be normal and easy and comfortable into the hardest, most painful things in the world.

"Not much," he managed to force out. Now everyone was looking at him weirdly. He could almost feel their thoughts: What's wrong with Xav? Xav who is usually so smiley and funny and articulate has all of a sudden become all sad and antisocial.

To be honest he couldn't care less about that any more. He wasn't about to put on a fake smile, not now. He wanted to scream that the reason he was so sad was because of them, because they'd inadvertently made him leave his soulfinder back in London, but he couldn't so he stared ahead instead.

"Xav, honey, are you okay?" asked Karla. He didn't want to lie. He wanted to say no, that he was most definitely not okay. But he couldn't, even though the words were on the tip of his tongue.

He tried desperately to smile, though it came out as more of a grimace, and said, "I'm fine. Just tired. Might go and have a nap."

She seemed relieved that there was no major problem, but of course there was. "Okay then."

He went into his room, and lay on his bed. It didn't feel like his bed, though. This whole house no longer felt like his home. His only home could be when he was with Anton, wherever that may be, if he was with him, he was home.

He lay on his bed, tears leaking irregularly out of his eyes. He stared up at the ceiling, trying to keep his mind blank, but he couldn't control his thoughts, which kept wandering back to his boyfriend and his heart couldn't help but ache in his chest.

He tried to go to sleep, he really did, but he couldn't. He feared that he wouldn't be able to sleep again without Anton lying next to him. He feared he would never be able to function properly without him. He needed Anton almost as much as he needed air. His soul had been torn in half, and Xav knew the only way to repair it would be to do the thing that scared him most.

He must have drifted off, because he woke with a start. Someone was shaking his shoulder. In his half asleep state, he thought he was still back in London. He awoke with a smile on his face, thinking his soulfinder was the one waking him up. "An-" he began, before realising that it was in fact Yves telling him to wake up, and that he wasn't in London at all, instead he was in the god damn USA halfway across the world from the place he needed to be.

His chest felt funny, every beat of his heart painful as he sensed his soulfinder link to Anton. It was stretched, but it was still there, and that was perhaps more painful than if it wasn't. He could feel Anton, he knew that he was okay, where he was, that he was still there, still a part of Xav. But that hurt too, knowing and being able to feel his soulfinder, but not being able to touch them.

"Wake up, Xav. You've been sleeping forever, man. It's morning already."

Sleep seemed to be the one thing he was able to manage, probably because he had generally dreamless sleeps, and it would make him stop thinking of Anton, let him escape from the outside world that was causing him so much pain.

"Yeah, okay, I'm getting up," he told Yves, who smiled at him and went out of the room.

He didn't want to get out of bed and face his family again. He'd barely managed the last time. But he had no other choice. He wanted to stay in bed and wallow in his sadness, but he couldn't, so he somehow managed to drag himself out of bed and have a shower and get dressed. He checked the time, and realised it was already past noon, then realised he couldn't care less what time he got up or did things. Life didn't really have a meaning now.

He wandered down the stairs, into the living room, where his family were sitting. "Sleeping Beauty awakens. It's about time," teased Zed.

Normally he would be thinking of a witty comeback to that, but he honestly could not find the energy to do that now. Everyone was looking at him weirdly, but he didn't care about that either. He felt empty, and couldn't find the energy to keep up the act that he was okay.

He sat down, and braced himself for the questions that were going to bombard him. He just hoped that they would not be on the topic of soulfinders, as he would probably freeze and not know what to do do. This time he would not be able to just shut the laptop and tell his soulfinder he loves him. This time there was no easy escape.

The questions did come, of course they did, but luckily Xav managed to answer them. They were mainly monosyllabic answers, but that was all felt like divulging.

"How was London, Xav?"

"Fine."

"What did you do?"

"Not much. Worked."

"You seem different."

"Do I?"

He could see them all exchanging worried glances, but no one asked him anything that made him freeze.

When an awkward silence passed over the Benedicts, Xav took his opportunity to leave the room. Before he left, his mom caught his eye. "Xav..." she began, but stopped. Something in his eyes must have told her that he really didn't want to talk about it.

He retreated to his room, glad to be alone. He never thought that he would prefer to be in his own company than others, but he knew now that he only wanted to be with other people if he had his soulfinder at his side.

He became a sort of recluse, not going out of his room until he had to. The days dragged on, until he could no longer bear the awful pain in his heart. He had to see Anton.

He didn't know whether skyping Anton was truly a good idea, as it might make his heart ache even worse, but he had to try.

He hit the call button, but as soon as Anton's face appeared on his screen he felt like collapsing. He thought nothing could be as painful as knowing the love of your life was halfway across the world, but apparently seeing said love over the computer hurt even more.

"Xav..." said Anton, and he burst into tears. Hearing that voice, the voice with the gorgeous accent that he missed so much, was gut-wrenching. The ache in his chest did nothing but intensify, and he couldn't control the sobs that racked his body.

Through his tears, he looked at Anton on the screen. He seemed to be in a similar state to Xav, the pain that both of them were feeling being shared, but multiplied at the same time.

"I can't, I can't." Xav was panicking, and with trembling fingers, he had to press the 'End Call' button. He couldn't take this any more. This pain was too much, he couldn't do this.

I'm sorry, he typed to Anton.

It's okay. I can't believe just seeing you made me that emotional. Oh god, Xav...

Even talking to you is bad, but I don't think I could bear it if I had no communication with you, he replied.

How about we email? Because it's not instant messaging we can have time to think about a reply, replied Anton.

Okay.

He shut the laptop, and sat back, dreading but looking forward to the first email from Anton. He never thought that he could be so emotional over something or someone, but here he was, crying like a baby over his lost soulfinder, except he wasn't really lost as the only thing standing in the way of their happiness was Xav's own weakness.

When the first email came from Anton about a week later, Xav slipped into his room and broke down over it.

Dear Xav,

I love you. You know I love you so much, and I will never stop loving you. You are the only one for me, you're my soulfinder my everything.

You're breaking my heart, Xav.

I know that it is extremely hard for you to come out, but I'm begging you, please do it. I don't want to force you into doing something you don't want to, but I have to be a bit selfish and say that I want you to do this.

You have to learn to accept yourself. I know what you're thinking. Easier said than done. But once you come to grips with the facts yourself, it might help you to be more comfortable in telling other people.

So number one. You're gay. That is something that some people will put down, and I know you think that your family will, but you honestly can't know all of their opinions until you actually tell them.

Number two. You're in love. That is definitely something you shouldn't be ashamed about, because love is the best emotion in the world, and after experiencing love with you, I know I never want to go back to not having that love, even if it hurts sometimes.

Number three. You found your soulfinder. Even though they might say that it's impossible, we both know it's true. The bond we share is real, we can both feel it so strongly. Don't let anyone tell you that we are not soulfinders. We are.

Number four. You have absolutely nothing to ashamed of. You are you, and that is the best thing in the world. Don't feel pressured to change yourself, because it's you that I love.

Number five. I love you no matter what. You'll always have me even if the outcome is bad. I'll never leave you, Xav. Never.

Number six. Just know that I'm sitting here crying like a baby as I write this. It is so painful being without you, Xav. I don't think I'll be able to take it much longer. So please, for me. Come back.

I don't think I'll be able to write much more, but please do take into consideration what I've said. Once you've told them we can be together again. That's all I want.

Love you,

Anton xx

Xav started to cry at 'Dear Xav' but somehow managed to read the entire email through blurred vision.

Oh Anton. He only wants the best for me, and for us, Xav thought.

He would try, of course he would. But he knew deep down that it might take him a while to gain the strength to come out, and that each second he spent here he could be spending with Anton. It was a sort of motivator, but the fact that all this pain they were feeling was his fault made him even more upset.

The fate of their relationship rested on him, he was the one who had placed them in this awful situation and he was the only one who could get them out. The way to heal this ridge was so much harder than healing a physical wound though. This was messy and emotional, something Xav didn't have much experience with. Blood, cuts, aches, he could deal with. But this sort of pain, the pain of being heartsick? This was new territory.

He knew the cure, of course. The cure would be to come out, tell his family about Anton. Then he would be free to go back to London and stay with Anton, and this heartache would finally disappear. But this was the hardest cure to go about, even though it seems easy on the surface. It would force Xav to overcome this fear he had, accept himself and deal with the very real possibility that his family might not take the news very well. Especially his dad. Oh god.

Maybe I'll be able to do it some day, but right now...Right now, he didn't think he had the mental strength to talk to his family about what he wanted for breakfast, never mind the fact that he was gay and had found his soulfinder.

Not right now. It seemed like the worst excuse in the world, and he felt like he was betraying Anton awfully, but it was all he had.

I'm so sorry, Anton. I love you too.

It hurt that he knew his telepathic message wouldn't get through, not any more.