The Return of the JedI - A Parody - -SuperTinfoiMan part 2

" What do you do when the only one that can make you stop crying, is the person who made you cry? – Darth Vader

Chapter 10 - Ewoks and Vader -

C3-PO staggered to his feet clearing himself from the tangles of the Ewok net. "Oh, my head. Oh, my goodness! Golly! Jeepers!"

The Ewoks made a huge deal out of the golden protocol droid, they immediately dropped all business with Luke and the gang to worship the god of Endor. They began a chant, with a subtle beat of a conga drum, with a odd hint of a synthesizer added to the mix. With a tad tint of -Uh HUH- gansta style, with a background woman singer screaming KLF, but we'll leave the chant alone for now dammit.

"Do you understand anything they are saying? " Luke asked, suddenly tied up to a pole, the pole was sticky with animal guts.

"Yes, Master Luke! Remember that I am fluent……" C3-PO was interrupted by Han.

"Let me guess! Six million forms of communication!" Han spit out.

"You don't have to be so ru……."

"What are you telling them?" Han interrupted again.

"Hello, I think. I could be mistaken. It seems to be a very primitive form of dialect. I do believe they think I'm some sort of god. To think that after all the…."

"Well why don't you use your god powers to get us outta this!" Han cut him off again, Chewie let out a laughing bark.

"It is against my programming to break one of the ten commandments. " C3-PO made the sign of the cross.

"What the (bleep) is he talking about now?! " Han screamed.

The Ewoks are offended by Han and his pot mouth to the new god of Endor. They poked spears at Han and threatened to skew his ass.

We'll be right back …………….

The Ewok's marched toward the middle of the forest, the trees had huts high atop the trees, on the trees. It was the Ewok village. Chewbacca found it to be remarkably like his home world. Even being tied to a pole, ready to be eaten. They did shit like this all the time back on Catshit.

They were placed over a pit where the little furry creatures began to pile logs under them.

"I have a bad feeling about this." Han said as he watched an Ewok peel carrots.

"What are they up to now? " Luke wondered out loud.

"They're creating a new centralized heating system in the village Luke. " Han blurted to the dumb kid, Chewie murmured something dog like.

"I would think the logs could create as much heat as…."

"LUKE! They are having US for dinner! WAKE the (bleep) up! " Han roared.

"I wonder what I taste like…" Luke had a far away look in his eyes.

Leia suddenly appeared out of one of the Ewok huts smoking a death stick, her dark hair was out of its usual bun style, she seemed a bit wary. Another three Ewoks followed her out, they seemed very satisfied.

"Leia! " Han called out.

"Carrie! " Luke yelled, overjoyed.

The Ewoks blocked her path with deadly pointy sticks.

"Oh! Gasp! " Leia gasped.

"Your Royal Highness. " 3PO greeted her from his throne.

"But these are my friends! Tell them CP-3O, tell them to let them be friends….I mean tell them to…"

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CUT! CARRIE ! THIS IS THE LAST TIME WE GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN! ANOTHER MESS UP AND WE'LL HAVE TO CONTINUE SHOOTING WITH A DIFFERENT ACTRESS!

"Sorry. I'll do it right this time." Leia was worried.

ALRIGHTY THEN!! TAKE IT FROM - YOUR ROYAL HIGHNESS!!! AAAANNNND ACTION !!!

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"Oh! Gasp!" Leia gasped.

"Your Royal Highness. " Leia greeted…..herself?

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CUT!! CARRIE, YOU ARE FIRED!! GET OUT! LEIA'S PART WILL NOW BE PLAYED BY JESSICA SIMPSON! ANNNNNNNNNND ACTION!!!!

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"Somehow, I got the feeling that didn't help us very much. " Han murmured.

"But she's pretty hot. Even though she's my twin sister, and now she really doesn't look anything like me." Luke whispered.

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Much useless scenes later…….

It's night, everyone is gathered in the main hut, the rebel soldiers, Artoo, Princess Leia (chewing gum) , Han Solo and a small army of Ewok mothers, children and Ewok hunters. Oh ya, Chewbacca too. And Luke. Darth Vader is there too, but this scene is cut later as it made no sense at all.

C3-PO is in the middle of the crowd telling the Ewok's their journey to this point. He's using some kick ass sound effects that are nearly scaring the little Ewoks into cardiac arrest, he doesn't care. His subwoofers were finely tuned for this moment.

R2 made a bleeping noise.

"Yes R2, I was just getting to that. " 3PO made some smooching noises as he jestured to Luke and Leia. Several Ewoks puked on the hut floor.

"Humina humina humina ! " The Ewok elder Logjam stood up from his throne shaking his spear (weapon). He started pointing in several different directions. Suddenly a drum sounded. Then a distant synthesizer, with a woman background singer and some rappers -Uh huh- ing.

"What's going on? " Han leaned in close and whispered to the hot blonde Leia.

"Like, how would I know man? It sounds like the top 40 count down or something, y'know?" Leia said, lacking any intelligence.

Luke smiled, then he suddenly didn't smile, he did a quiet backflip out of the hut.

"Wonderful! We are now a part of the tribe! Do the tribal dance!" 3PO broke out into the robot dance.

A small Ewok ran up and gave Han a hug. Han hugged the furry creature back, but he accidentally snapped the Ewok's neck in the process. He quickly kicked the furball out of the hut before his family noticed anything.

2.5 minutes later……..

Luke stood outside the hut in the wooden walkway constructed. He wondered to himself many things. Many, many things. Many, many, many, many, many, many, many things.

"Dude, like what's wrong? " Leia asked, exiting the hut. She suddenly had shorts on, revealing her long, perfect legs.

"Leia….do you remember your mother. I mean your REAL mother? " Luke asked her, his eyes full of wonder.

"Just a little bit, she died right after I was born, y'know? " Leia tilted her head a little.

"What do you remember? " Luke asked.

"I remember it went a lot like this….WAAHHH!!! WAHHH!! It's a girl! " Leia responded, empty headedly.

"No, no I mean, what did she look like? " Luke tried to restrain the pull of the dark side from striking out against his dumb sister.

"She was very beautiful. Sad, but ugly. She seemed very happy. " Leia had a distant look in her eyes.

"I have no memory of my mother, I never knew her. " Luke said almost crying.

"Dude, tell me, what is your problem man? " Leia punched Luke's shoulder.

"Vader is here, he is near on this moon, he'll be here soon. " Luke almost sang to her.

"Like, what the (bleep) did that have to do with my mom, or yer mom? " Leia questioned the script.

"He's here, I have to run off and fight him, I'm endangering the mission from being here. If I leave now you and the others might just be able to complete the mission. He's my father, you're my sister and I think I can save him from the dark side and topple the empire in one big swoop. " Luke let out a huge gasp then ran off.

"Come again?" Leia asked, but her voice only echoed into the distant woods.

"Come again?" Leia's echo repeated.

"Hey, what's goin' down ?" Han appeared out of the hut wearing multiple strings of beads.

"I..I can't tell you," Leia sniffled, "man."

Han gave her a swift backhand to the face, the slap echoed deep into the woods.

"Slap! " The echo repeated.

"Did you tell Luke? Is that who you could tell?! Luke, that little runt! " Han screamed red faced.

"I….." Leia turned then fell right over the barrier to the forest floor. Dead.

Thank you for rea……wait…..it didn't end like that……..

"I'm sorry. " Han said, shuffling his feet.

"Hold me. Dude. " Leia grasped Han and they hugged.

"I have something to tell you too. " Han whispered into her ear as he eyed the dead Ewok hanging off the wooden barrier.

The imperial shuttle landed on the huge platform jutting out of the forest. An AT-AT tromped over next to the station and came to a halt. Darth Vader strolled his way down the ramp and into the glass hallway towards the AT-AT's exit doors. The doors opened revealing Luke in binders between two soldiers. He seemed pretty proud of himself, or just cocky.

Little brat. I'll kill him, after we kill the Emperor.

"This is the rebel that surrendered to us. He claims he is acting alone. (group laughter) He was armed only with this flashlight. Good thing too, it's getting dark out, Wilson nearly tripped over the…"

"Good work, commander. Conduct your search and bring his companions to me. Tell Wilson he still owes me ten credits from the basketball game on Friday. " Vader boomed. The commander left them alone.

"The Emperor has been expecting you. " Vader said as they walked down the hallway.

"I know, DAD! " Luke stuck out his tongue and made faces at the Sith Lord.

"So, you have accepted the truth. "

"I know who you are. I watched the prequel trilogy. You were once Anakin Skywalker, the man who didn't heed the warning of the higher ground. " Luke poked.

"That trilogy has no longer meaning to me!" Vader turned and pointed at Luke in a warning fashion.

"You can't deny it's who you are dad. I know everything about you now, like how much you hate sand for example…"

"I see you have constructed a new lightsaber. " Vader changed the subject quickly. He ignited the bright green saber, he accidentally cut Luke's shoulder in the process, Luke turned and stared daggers at his father.

"Your skills are complete. You are indeed powerful, as the Emperor has foreseen. " Vader shut down the lightsaber. Vader turned and stared out the window, his body language suggested he was pouting.

Luke slowly broke into song…..

"Come with us, we got everything you need, huh huh, come with us , we are freeeeeeeeeee…… "

"Obi-Wan once watched The Racoon's too, " Vader spun around shaking his fist, "YOU DON'T KNOW THE POWER OF THE DARK SIDE! I MUST OBEY MY MASTER!! "

"Why? "

"Because! The Dark Side is way stronger! " Vader boomed.

"Then just quit, he can't be paying you that much. " Luke persisted.

"DAMN KID!! I get 30 percent off at McDonald's! " There, Vader had finally admitted it. It sort of felt better to let it out like that.

"Then my father is truly dead. " Luke sulked heading toward the open elevator.

"Wait. " Vader held out his hand.

"No, take me away! " Luke ordered the elevator commander.

"Come on, Lukey! Don't be like that. " Vader pleaded.

"Get bent Vader!" Luke gave him the finger as the elevator doors closed.

Vader turned and leaned on the railing again. He dug into his metallic pants and pulled out a Big Mac coupon. Was this really worth it?

Yesssssss…….He recognized that clown's voice. It was Ronald, Darth Fries.

Every McDonald's hamburger starts with 100 pure beef - no additives or fillers - from the same cuts of meat available at your supermarket. The cattle is then shipped to McDonald's approved abattoirs and it takes a lot to get our blessing, we then get a priest to bless the meat. We only use federally inspected abattoirs approved by the CFIA and then out of those we select the few that can consistently meet McDonald's standards of quality and safety, plus they must like Dragonball Z. Our exclusive hamburger supplier has been an AAA-rated facility - the highest rating possible - by the CFIA for the past ten years. In addition, it's the only Coruscant winner of the prestigious Black Pearl Award for corporate excellence in food safety and quality. It also won the Most Meat contest in Endor. Whatever the shit that means.

They use high pressure equipment to make our beef patties. Nothing is used to bind the patties. It is simply compression that holds the beef patty together, in fact, it's pressed so tightly by the time its in your hamburger, it's nearly see through. Martin-Brower of Coruscant Ltd., McDonald's exclusive distributor, has a fleet of strictly controlled temperature-regulated transport ships that deliver our patties to our restaurants across the Galaxy. We use a two-sided grill to cook your patty. All we add is little salt and pepper to season the patties and your choice of condiments so your hamburger is prepared just for you. If it falls on the floor before it hits the bun, our employee's are under a strict 10 second rule to replace it in the bun before it becomes full of floor hair. All beef purchased within Coruscant is sourced from facilities that have been fully inspected and approved by the Coruscant Food Inspection Agency (CFIA).

By the time a Big Mac® sandwich is served to one of our customers, it has gone through more than 60 quality checks!

"That's the part that always hooks me….." Vader said out loud, "the 60 quality checks. There is no denying it. I must get a Big Mac! NOW!" He scowled then turned to see an officer looking at him with a strange expression.

This is the end of chapter 10 - Leave a review if you want.

- Tinfoil.