"Sir, Captain Steve Rogers says he's here for a visit."
"Captain integrity? What the hell does he want? JARVIS, tell Loki to stay in his room and if you have to, lock him in there. I don't want blood and thunder in here if I can avoid it."
"Yes, sir."
As the Captain stepped out of the elevator Tony had to smile. He was still wearing these old-fashioned trousers with a belt and a plaid shirt. His blond hair had grown a little bit longer than the military style Tony remembered. But this was more than a year ago. They hadn't spoken during this time, so Tony was curious what the good Captain could want from him. He waved at him, to come and sit with him at the kitchen isle, where he drank a coffee. But before he could ask, Steve addressed him. "We have to talk."
And Tony rolled his eyes. "OK, I´m officially fucked. Seems I`m in an alternate universe and you are my boyfriend. What have I done, honey?"
"Could you just be serious for, let`s say, five minutes? Please."
"OK, five minutes sound fair, so time`s starting now. Get cracking!"
"I have to apologize. "Steve Rogers sighed and Tony looked like a fish out of water, stunned and mouth wide open. Alternate Universe, I definitely was right.
"The things I said on board of the Helicarrier, I`m sorry. I was wrong and I had no right to say that to you. You saved Manhattan. You are a hero. I was an idiot and I am sorry."
"I paid back, as far as I remember and told you something like everything special about you comes from a lab. Wasn`t that nice, too. So I think we`re even, Cap."
"Thank you. I just wanted to make this clear. I'm cleaning up. Was on a road trip and made some decisions. I'll leave the apartment S.H.I.E.L.D. gave me. I need a break from Fury and the council and black uniforms. They still do research on the Hydra-weapons and I can`t stand there and watch them. I`m not enlisted in the army anymore and I won`t become a S.H.I.E.L.D.-agent. So I`m a free man now."
"I thought Fury has decided that you belong to S.H.I.E.L.D. and will work for them. You ignore his orders?"
"Surprised? I did it before. The army rejected me as a soldier, so I tried it again and falsified the documents. Colonel Phillips wouldn`t let me search for one soldier, that was my best friend, but I went nevertheless and found him. Dr. Erskine has not chosen me because I can follow orders, but because I can decide which orders to follow. I`m more than a poster boy."
"So no postcards arrived for Fury, I assume?"
"No postcards for Fury."
"Sounds good. I love you for pissing Fury off, I would have paid to see his face when you told him that! What will you do now?"
Steve looked a little bit lost. "I don't know, to be honest."
And then Tony was speaking without thinking first and one day he has to invent something to stop himself, before he says something, that brings him in trouble. "The offer to live here, in my tower still stands." In the moment he said it, he knew, it was dumb. There was Loki and so he strongly hoped, Steve would say no.
"I don't know. Thank you, but I have to think about this. This wasn't why I came here."
"I know. It's just an offer. Do you like a cup of coffee?"
"I'd really appreciate that."
Tony got up to take another mug out of the cupboard to pour coffee into it.
"It's too sad, that your dad isn't alive. He would be surprised to see me, it's a long time. He was one of the good guys." And Steve started to talk about Howard Stark, about the serum and Howard`s machine that turned him into Captain America. About the army and Howard's work and how they went to a bar and that he and Peggy helped him to find his best friend. He talked and talked and was totally blind to the fact, that Tony flinched almost unnoticeable when Steve said the name ´Howard`.
Tony could be an asshole, but he knew the man in front of him had lost everything and everyone. So he let him talk. Perhaps he saw Tony as a link between the past and now, but that didn't make it any easier for Tony to hear him talk about Howard. Especially not, when he highly praised him. Rogers had no idea who that man really was, what he had done to his family, to Tony. They didn't were best friends, something about fondue and Peggy, but for Steve he was a good man. Brilliant scientist and a nice and funny guy. And Tony wouldn't break this picture and tell him who this man really was. Why should he take this away from Steve, it wouldn't do anything good for no one. Steve has already lost too much. But he grew angrier and more nervous from minute to minute. After the first hour he thought about letting JARVIS calculate what would happen to Tony's hand if he would punch the still talking Captain in his face. Instead he did his best to smile and nod from time to time and answering questions with short answers. He tried to change the topic a few times, but Steve just didn't get it. So Tony just gave up. It wouldn't kill him this conversation, would it? He was a grown-up man, this was not so different from a press conference, he told himself. Nothing I have not done before. No problem. In the end Steve had talked more than three hours. It took a load of his mind as the Captain said goodbye and went to the elevator. Tony even joked with him about not letting another year pass before visiting him again and to think about moving in. Then the elevator doors closed. Bye Captain America. And Tony breathed out like he was holding a breath the whole time. He stood there for a few minutes and stared at the elevator doors before he went straight to the bar located in the back of the enormous room. He took a half empty bottle of Whiskey and went back to sit down on the biggest couch.
Tony skipped the glass and drank right out of the bottle. He drank fast. It didn't took much time to empty the bottle. This was a little bit too much. All the memories that pushed into his mind. He had to stop it. He had to silence it. And instantly would be preferred. I can`t endure that again. Not now. I just can`t. I don`t want to. His thoughts raced. He would prefer passing out drunk than watching his damned merciless flashbacks turning his mind into a nightmare, he couldn't escape. Please, just stop. Thinking of Howard Stark`s search for Captain Cant-shut-his-mouth America and of his way to cope with failing to find him. Of the drunken Howard Stark and how Howard's best friend Obadiah, that was more a father to him than Howard, has also betrayed him and pushed him in the arms of the men that tortured him. The surgery when Yinsen had cut his chest open, hands holding him down, while the world exploded in unbearable pain. The weight of a car battery and the pain after surgery without painkillers. Of being drowned. Gasping for breath. Of cold water flooding his lungs. Of electric shocks. Screaming in agony. Torture. Of Obadiah he trusted and nevertheless he ripped the arc reactor out of his chest and left him there to die. Of his drunken ranting father. Pain. Howard Stark. The first one in a long row of threats. There was the fucking fact that so many people had tried to kill or hurt him over the time. And all had started with Howard Stark, the man Captain America dearly missed. Tony threw the bottle against the wall and it shattered with a loud bang. He was breathing too fast, he knew that, but he couldn't help himself. I need a new bottle. I´m definitely not nearly drunken enough. He staggered to the bar.
"Stark?" it was Loki`s voice behind him.
"Don`t call me that. Not now. Call me Tony or shut the fuck up." he yelled. "Don`t call me his name." He searched the bar for an appropriate bottle to drink himself into stupor. His eyes were wide and he was shaking. He found a scotch he liked, unscrew the cap and took a gulp.
"What is wrong with you?" Loki`s voice was surprisingly soft. He perfectly hid his surprise about the state Tony was in. He had never saw him so upset and pale and wondered what must have happened to cause this.
"Nothing. I`m fine. If I drink enough now. So please excuse me." He took another gulp and slipped to the ground, leaning his back against the bar. "JARVIS, dim the lights. It`s too fucking bright in here!"
"Yes, Sir." the A.I. answered and the lights darkened.
"Oh, and JARVIS? I remember that I have told you to lock Loki in his room. This isn't his room, is it?"
"He was in his room as long as Captain Rogers stayed here. I had no further orders, Sir."
"Well, screw you! We`ll have a talk about loyalty later."
Loki was not very pleased to get completely ignored, so he asked again a little bit louder. "Tony? What`s wrong?"
"I`m fine."
"You are not. And, I may add, you`re a terrible liar at the moment. So please skip ´Nothing´ and ´I don`t know what you`re talking about´."
"Oh, how about: it's none of your business?"
"That's at the very least true. But I'm curious."
"And I'm not interested in talking."
"I remember. You are more into drinking. But I also remember you were the one saying, it's not very healthy and to try something more promising."
"Never claimed to follow my own advises."
"What happened?"
"I'm fine. Go away and care about yourself."
" What is wrong? Please." Where did this even come from? Loki was curious, yes he wanted to know what or who had managed to do this to Tony and he wouldn't confess it, but even more than that he wanted to help him because it strangely hurt to see him like that, his face scarred by pain.
Had Loki really said please? Why is he even still here? Getting more and more inpatient, Tony felt anger creeping up inside of him. He wasn't into talking, he wasn't into making himself vulnerable and especially not with Loki.
"I just want to get drunk. So please go and fuck yourself."
"Sounds pleasantly, but I am stubborn as you might remember. You listened to me. But it seems you never talk to anyone. Sitting in the dark and drinking seems not very helpful, not even to me. And a blind man could tell that something is incredible wrong with you at the moment. I owe you something. So here is a god that would listen to you." He grinned. And to his own surprise and displeasure he really hoped to convince Tony to talk to him. Loki hated the helplessness he felt looking down at him, sitting on the ground with wild eyes. He strongly disliked the look, it seemed utterly wrong. And he disliked even more that it mattered to him.
"What do I have to do to get you away from here, god? Kill you?"
"That would work, I suppose. But I`m still stronger than you. If you`re not willing to try it nevertheless, you could instead talk with me."
"I`m anticipating to take your offer to kill you."
"And still I`m here, so please tell me, what managed to get you in this state?"
"Loki, I tried to be friendly and patient but this is your last warning. Go or I`ll hurt you. I can`t discuss this now. Just go."
But Loki stayed. He didn`t move, not even his face moved as he asked again "What happened?"
Tony laughed, it was a bitter twisted sound. "Wasn`t that what you wanted before? Me on my knees? Too bad, it wasn`t you, who brought me down. On my ass to be precise, as I`m sitting. And I`m afraid I`m too drunk to get on my knees, so sorry prince. Now go, before I start talking about Thor."
Tony watched some kind of thunderstorm move behind Loki`s green eyes and discovered that he hold his breath. And Tony smiled, afraid guilt and self-loathing would otherwise break through the surface. It was a cruel thing to say, but he just wanted to be alone, wanted the pain to stop.
That stung. But Loki couldn`t deny, that he was warned before. He could see that it wasn`t meant to really hurt him, Tony lashed out to keep himself safe. And Loki wasn`t willing to let him succeed with this trick. "You`re stalling. What happened to you? Who did this to you?"
Tony was too drunken to just shut up like he would normally do. Commonly he paid scrupulous attention to ensure that nobody would be around in a situation like this. He always found a way to get rid of anyone. Even Pepper. He always managed to keep everybody away long enough to have a little mental breakdown all alone and to put himself back together before anybody could notice. But tonight he forgot Loki. And he was already too drunken, too tired and hurt to stay silent.
"You want it? Then listen. Steve Rogers just couldn't fucking stop talking about Howard Stark. For three fucking hours. The Howard he knew, not the one that I grew up with. I don`t know who he was talking about.
I look a lot like him, you know? Like my father, I mean. When I look in the fucking mirror I can see him from time to time. I shrug and it goes away. I'm fine. I'm over this. But now Captain Perfect has to repeat his name over and over again until it's impossible to not think about him. And after one memory comes another, like water, like waves and these memories try to drown me. All the things that happened in my life trying to drown me. And it`s so much better to drown in alcohol than in flashbacks. In brown ice cold water that you get pushed into for what seems like an eternity. In blood. In childish horror. Alcohol is definitely better." He paused, trying to calm himself, trying to regain control.
"I`m sorry. You have your own burden. Just let me be. Tomorrow I`m Ok again. Go to sleep, it`s in the middle of the night. Forget about this. Good night. Everything`s fine. Just drunken blathering." He even managed to laugh and he devoutly hoped it would be convincing. It wasn't. Loki hesitated a moment but then he slipped to the ground and sat down beneath Tony. "It`s alright. Tell me."
"Go to bed, damn!"
"No."
Tony grit his teeth. "Go away! Now!"
"No."
"Fuck you."
"No, but thanks."
"What the fuck is wrong with you? I don't need you here."
"But I am already here, so you could just as well talk about it, perhaps this will help better than poisoning yourself."
The silence between them lasted so long, Loki asked himself if he should let Tony be, if he was stepping over a line here. If this was way too much. If the next thing would be a raised bottle that would shatter at his head to end this. He was warned he could get hurt. Then there was a sigh like something broke in Tony`s throat. He looked defeated. Like he just had enough and there wasn't any power left to refuse. Tony let his head fall back against the bar with enough force to let the glasses on the counter clink while he still hold the bottle in his hand. His voice sounded strained as he finally spoke.
"My own father called me worthless and a disappointment. I never did anything right, never could make him proud or at least a little bit pleased. I`m his creation, not a human being. Something you built and tear apart if it didn`t work like it should." The words fell out of Tony`s mouth and he wasn`t able to withhold them any longer. Not now. Not in the mood he was in. He had talked with JARVIS but never with anybody else. But just now he was tired of facing this alone again. Going again through memories that refused to get out of his head. "And I wasn`t his best creation, not even a good one, he never got tired to tell me this. Not good enough, never good enough." That was something Loki understood too well.
Tony stared at the painting at the wall. Modern Art. Ugly Modern Art. Too much red. Blood red. "How can Steve value him that fucking much? If this guy really was so nice, it has to be my fault, that he was a bastard as long as I knew him. But more likely he was just better at hiding from Steve that he was a drunken prick. Wasn't even trying to hide it at home. He wasn`t a really big man but I was a really short child with a small frame so he was able to throw me to the floor or at a wall with just one slap in the face. One day he pushed me down the stairs. It hurt like hell. But I had to get up. It would be a bad mistake not to. And I went up the stairs that I fell down a minute ago and he shoved me in his room. He wasn`t patient if I was unruly. It wasn`t long after that when I let myself fall down a staircase. Hoped to break something when hitting the concrete floor just to get away for some time. It didn`t work, by the way. Perhaps it was better that way. Had it worked I might have killed myself while falling down the stairwell to his underground car park too often." He took a sip.
"May I ask where your mother was?" Loki`s voice was low but sounded too loud in his own ears.
"You may, but I don`t know. Not there. Busy. Sad. Whatever. Her body was there. She didn`t find the will in herself to protect me. She left me alone with him although she was there. She wasn`t there for me."
Loki swallowed. He hadn't expected such an amount of raw pain. He had no idea what would be an appropriate reaction, never had someone trusted him with something so personal, so fragile and hurtful.
I need to hang something else there. More blue. Or gold. An Iron Man picture perhaps. I just try to think about something else than Howard, aren`t I?
"One day he threw me against the cupboard in my children`s room and I crashed to the floor like a fucking doll. He kicked my ribcage and I couldn`t breathe. He just didn`t stop beating me and I was sure, that it was over. I would die. I was still a small child and I was absolutely sure, that I would die. So I stopped fighting back. Just lay there with my hands and forearms on my face. I think I passed out for a moment. The next thing I saw was how he left the room. It took me damned long to get up again and to my bed. And there was the day when he was so drunk and furious that he didn`t stop after beating me but pushed me at the wall and almost strangled me. I frantically tried to get his hands of my throat and breathe. I don't remember how it ended, it's one of the sweet memories of which a part is missing."
His body was shaking and his voice was rough. A haunted and terrified look on his face, mixed with anger. And Loki could feel burning hot anger flowing through himself. If the man Tony talked about wouldn't already be dead, he would happily help killing him.
"One day I played hide and seek with a kid of a household help. I had to stop because of the pain of some fucking wounds I owed to him. I huddled up against a wall. Took me some minutes till I was able to get up and smile again. Sometimes I wonder how he managed to do this to me without breaking something, everything healed. He managed to cause so much hurt and fear without leaving traces. Just one time I needed a doctor who was more than willing to believe that the son of the man, that so generously paid him, was a larking child, that hurt himself while playing." He took another pull on the bottle."But it did have its advantages, you know. I don`t think I had survived being tortured in this goddamn afghan cave had I`ve been never knocked down before. So thanks for that, Dad." The last words were followed by a bitter laugh."The only person I will ever let hurt me again without fighting for my life is me."
The sentence was sharp and Loki felt like it had cut right through him. It was something he knew and he wished Tony wouldn't know this feeling, wouldn't be hurt so deep, wouldn`t have been hurt so often. "JARVIS, how much had he drank and how much can a mortal drink before it becomes a health hazard?" Loki`s voice was still soft but worried.
Before the A.I. could answer Tony did. "I`ll answer that, JARVIS. Don`t worry, Loki. I`m too stubborn to die. I always was. Tomorrow I will be strong again. I will stand upright. I was through a lot of shit in my life but I am still here. I will be tomorrow. And the day after. I survived everything. But from time to time I just, it just hurts too much to ignore it any longer and then I might or might not have a little breakdown and I get through this, too and I start all over again. Because that is what I do. I never give up. I´m an engineer and I can fix things. Always fixed me. Nobody was able to break me forever. Don`t mistake this as weakness. I might be fucking unstable but I`m not weak. It is the contrary. I`m too stubborn to let anything break me. I´m fucked up but I always get up again. I always fix it."
"The Iron Man suit isn`t the only armor you wear to keep you safe." It was a statement, not a question.
"I´m tired."
As they stood up Loki turned to Tony. "Just let me say one thing. I am terribly sorry that you had to suffer so much in your life." It wasn`t pity, it was heartfelt sympathy which surprised Tony even more. Then he went out the door before Tony could even think of a reply.
As Loki went into his room and closed the door behind him he stood there for a few minutes just starring at the wall. Thinking about what he heard and saw. Why has he trusted me with something that was so painful for him? Why does it mean something to me? But more than anything else he was deeply impressed how someone so broken, so hurt, could be that strong at the same time. How the man has managed to get up again and again and again. After his father, after Afghanistan, after all this unspoken painful memories Loki had seen running behind his eyes. Impressive.
Tony woke up a couple of hours later. The hangover was bearable but the memory wasn't. It was one thing to talk with Loki about Afghanistan, because he already knew about that. It was in the S.H.I.E.L.D. files and Agent Barton had told him about. But this was something entirely different. This wasn't in any files. Even Pepper just knew, that Howard was a somehow violent drinker but she never asked for details and Tony never told her or anyone else. So apart from JARVIS Loki was the first living being he had ever talked to about this chapter of his life. And he doesn't know what to think about this beside the regret he already felt. So he decided to get some coffee first. It turned out to be a bad decision, because damn, there was Loki again. In the kitchen, drinking tea. He seemed to like tea a lot better than coffee and it was a mystery to Tony why. Who the fuck even buys tea for my kitchen? Must be Bruce. Or JARVIS. Focus, Tony! As he wouldn't have time to think this whole thing over, he would have to improvise. But hey, he was good at improvising. So he filled his cup with steaming delicate coffee and before leaving the room he gazed at Loki and his voice was resolute and dangerous. "If you tell anyone about the things I said or if you decide to try and use them anyhow against me, I swear, I make you regret it. Regret it bitterly. Don`t even try it. Have I made myself clear?"
"I didn't intent to do so but yes, you made yourself clear."
"Wonderful. See you later." And he walked out of the door like nothing had happened.
I would break you into more pieces than the Other did if you do this to me. He hated feeling vulnerable.
Loki smiled. He would have been surprised if Tony hadn't said something like that. Slashing at someone for coming to near was too familiar to him that he didn't expected it. You couldn`t feel safe without making sure you could defend yourself if your own vulnerability would be used against you. He knew that and he understood it just too well. Trust was a rare and fragile thing.