Back from my trip! Thanks for the reviews you guys left me, they're always so lovely to read.
Hope this chapter was worth the wait!
"San?"
Santana looked up from her phone and smiled at Brittany from where she sat draped on the couch in the Lopez residence living room.
"Ssup, Britt?"
"Can we talk?"
"Of course. Always."
"No, like really talk. Serious talk."
Santana took in Brittany's tone of voice and the way the blonde wouldn't make eye contact with her and immediately knew something was very wrong. She put her phone down on the coffee table and beckoned for Brittany to join her on the couch.
"Come here, Britt."
Brittany stood up from her chair and crossed the room, taking a seat next to Santana. Santana's concern grew when Brittany did not automatically cuddle up to her like the blonde always did when they sat together, and more warning bells went off in her head.
"Brittany," Santana said softly. "What's wrong?"
The blonde finally looked at Santana, and Santana's stomach dropped at the sight of tears welling up in Brittany's blue eyes.
"I miss Quinn," she whispered, the tears finally spilling over. Santana felt her heart break, and she sat motionless as Brittany wiped her eyes.
"In the letter Q wrote me," Brittany said in a shaking voice, "she asked me to take care of everyone for her. Mostly you and Puck and Rachel and Beth. I promised her I would, and I'm trying so hard to stay strong for her. She was always so brave, no matter what she did. I'm trying so, so hard to be the steady rock that everybody needs and that Q needs me to be."
More tears ran down Brittany's face as she continued. "But it's so hard to be the strong one all the time. Yesterday, Beth asked me to tell her a story about Quinn, so I told her about that day in first grade when we all became friends and when I went home later, I just sat in my house, not knowing what to do. I feel so sick and so numb all the time, but I have to keep a smile on my face. I have to, because if I don't, I'll fall apart. And I can't…I can't—"
Brittany's voice broke and Santana wrapped her arms around her and the blonde sucked in a shuddering breath and started to sob.
As Santana held Brittany, murmuring words of comfort to the crying girl, she realized something – it was the first time since the funeral, where everyone had cried, that she had seen Brittany break down over Quinn's death. The dancer had been so incredibly strong and so reassuring to everyone else that Santana had forgotten just how hard losing Quinn must have been on Brittany, too.
"Beth asked about you yesterday, you know," Brittany said, hiccupping and jolting Santana out of her thoughts. "I mean, she asks about how you're doing all the time, but yesterday she finally asked me why you don't go see her and spend time with her like the rest of us do."
Santana released her hold on Brittany, and the blonde could see guilt and regret shining in the Latina's eyes.
"You need to try with her," Brittany murmured gently. "We all try super hard. Puck tries, I try, even Rachel tries and you know how hard that is for her because of Shelby. Beth needs you, San."
Santana felt tears stinging her eyes, but she refused to let them fall.
"She reminds me so much of Quinn, Britt," she whispered brokenly. "I know it's unfair to take that out on Beth and I love that little girl with everything I have, but I miss Q so fucking much. And right now, seeing Beth…it's like I'm five years old on the first day of kindergarten all over again."
"I know," Brittany said, smiling sadly. "It's hard for me, too. Sometimes Beth will raise her eyebrow at me, or say something in a certain tone of voice and in those moments, she reminds me so much of Quinn that it literally takes my breath away. But she's not Quinn. She's Beth, and she's growing up, and she needs you, San."
But Santana shook her head dully.
"She doesn't need me, Britt," she choked out. "She has Shelby for a mom and Puck for a dad. She has big sisters in you and Rachel, not to mention teachers when it comes to singing and dancing. What can I give her that she doesn't already have?"
Brittany's blue eyes were sad as she replied gently, "You're right. Shelby is an amazing mom to Beth, and Puck is working on building up a father-daughter relationship with her. Beth adores Rach and loves singing with her. She calls me her twin and begs me to show her dance moves all the time. But she needs you, too. She needs someone to love her as fiercely as Quinn did, someone she can trust and rely on and feel safe with. She needs someone who will understand when no one else can. You can be that for her, San. I know it, and so do you."
Santana closed her eyes as Brittany continued, "There is no one who knew Quinn like you did, San. I was her Baby B and Rachel was her secret girlfriend and Puck was actually the love of her life, but you were her best friend. Beth said it herself the day we met her; you are the one who reminds her of Q. You're the one who can be there for her when no one else can, because you're not her mom – that's Shelby. You're not an older sibling, or even a best friend. But you're someone who can connect her to her mother, and she needs that. She needs you, Santana. And I think deep down, past the hurt and the fear; you know you need her, too."
Brittany leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to Santana's trembling lips.
"I know it hurts to be around Beth after losing Q," she said. "But as soon as you open up your heart to her, that little girl is going to be what you need to heal the pain. She's your piece of Quinn, San. Don't let her grow up without you."
The next day, Beth was zipping up her backpack at the end of a busy day at camp when she heard a voice behind her.
"Hey, baby girl."
Beth froze. Only two people in her life had ever called her baby girl. And one of them was Quinn.
She slowly turned around and looked up at Santana. Beth loved Santana with her whole heart and desperately wanted to spend more time with her, but she knew why the Latina had stayed distant since meeting her. So, even though Santana came over every Saturday night for dinner with the rest of their quirky little family unit, Beth still felt slightly apprehensive and always automatically guilty around her.
"Santana?" she said. "Where's Mommy?"
"I asked her if I could pick you up today. Is that alright?"
Beth nodded hesitantly. "Are you taking me home?" she asked, and Santana shook her head.
"Nope; I'm taking you somewhere special. So grab your backpack and let's head out."
Eyes wide, Beth threw her backpack over her shoulders and followed Santana out of the building to the Latina's small red car. Beth crawled into the backseat and Santana buckled her in before climbing into the front and taking off. The Latina played soft music and hummed along as Beth stared out the window. They rode silently for 20 minutes before Santana suddenly took a sharp left and pulled into a small parking lot on the side of the road.
"Out of the car, B," Santana said, opening the car door for her. Beth scrambled out and looked around.
"Where are we?" she questioned, but Santana just took her hand and held it as they started to walk.
"You'll see."
After a few minutes of walking through trees, a small lake came into view. Beth could see ducks swimming lazily in the water and automatically wished she had something to feed them with. Santana caught the disappointed look on her face as the little girl saw the ducks, and grinned as she pulled a bag of bread crumbs and broken crackers out of her pocket.
"One step ahead of you, Beth. You're already more like Brittany than you know."
Beth smiled up at her and, just like she did every time they locked eyes, Santana looked away. Feeling slightly dejected, Beth sighed quietly. She knew that she looked like Quinn, but the others seemed to have gotten used to it. Santana never looked into her eyes for more than a few seconds before looking away with a pained expression on her face.
They continued to walk around the lake until they came across an empty bench. Santana pointed to it, and Beth sat down. Santana took a seat beside her and they sat in silence for several minutes, Beth's feet swinging and dangling above the ground.
When Santana finally spoke, she didn't look at Beth; instead, she kept her eyes trained on the lake.
"This is where I took Quinn the day after she gave you to Shelby."
Beth's eyes widened.
"She was released from the hospital and when I picked her up, she said I could take her anywhere but home. So I took her here instead. It's somewhere I came all the time to feed the ducks with Brittany, and it was always somewhere I felt calm. We walked around the lake and sat on this bench together."
Beth watched tears start to fall down Santana's face, but the Latina's voice remained steady as she continued. "Q cried for awhile, and I let her. When she finally stopped, she told me that she had never been in so much pain, knowing that she couldn't keep you. I loved your mother so much, Beth, and I know she loved me, too. But she never loved anyone as much as she loved you."
Santana turned to face Beth, and took the little girl's hands in her own.
"I know that you know why I don't come over as much as Britt and Puck and Rachel do," she said. "Her eyes were my anchors for more than 15 years and it hurts to look into your eyes because they are exactly, exactly like Quinn's. But I want you to know that I love you so much and I'm so sorry I haven't been making an effort with you. That's going to change, starting now." She took a deep, shaking breath as she looked into Beth's innocent, intelligent hazel eyes. "I said it once before, Beth – you are my piece of Quinn, and I am always going to be there to be there for you, no matter what. I will protect you for your mother forever."
Beth, incredibly aware and sensitive of other people's feelings for someone just seven years old, looked deeply into Santana's dark eyes and saw a sadness in them that made her want to cry.
"I'm sorry I make you think of Quinn so much," she said, squeezing Santana's hands. "I have a best friend at school named Stella, and I would never want to lose her. I'm very sorry you lost my mother, Santana. But I know she must have loved you, because I am very much like her and I know that I love you."
Santana pulled Beth onto her lap and hugged the little girl tightly. Beth hugged her back and breathed in a familiar, nostalgic scent.
"You smell like Quinn," she mumbled into Santana's hair, and Santana nodded.
"We used to use the same perfume. I stopped wearing it, but I started using it again after she died. It makes me feel like she's not so far away fro me."
Beth breathed in again deeply and Santana heard her sigh contentedly. They remained in that position for several more long moments before Santana finally pulled back and looked at the little Quinn that sat in her lap.
"Can we say that Wednesdays are my day with you, now?"
Beth nodded eagerly. "Can we feed the ducks now?" she asked excitedly, and Santana laughed.
"Ay dios mio, clearly Brittany has been rubbing off on you too much. What do you say we bring her with us the next time we come here?"
"Yes! Give me the bread crumbs!"
Santana gave her the bag and watched Beth run to the water's edge, throwing food into the water and laughing delightedly as ducks began to swim towards her. She turned around and beckoned urgently for Santana to join her.
"Come on, S!"
Santana's heart skipped a beat; Quinn was the only one who ever called her S. Whether Beth had heard about that from someone else, or it was simply on instinct, Santana let the nostalgic feeling of hearing Quinn's old nickname wash over her. She smiled up at the sky.
"She is so beautiful, Q," she whispered. "Thank you for leaving her here for us to love."
A few weeks after starting second grade in the fall, Beth, who had recently turned eight, was assigned her first paper – she was to write a page about someone she admired. She didn't have to think twice before going home, whipping out paper and a pencil, and starting to write.
Why I Admire My Three Mothers
By: Beth Corcoran
I am not a normal little girl. I have a daddy and two big sisters. But I do not have just one mommy. I have three.
My mommy Shelby adopted me when I was born. I admire her for opening up her heart and bringing me home with her. I love my mommy Shelby so much. She tries very hard to give me everything that I want. She is so loving and kind.
My real mother Quinn died when I was seven years old. Even though she had to give me away, she was so brave to do that and I admire her so much. She is my angel and watches over me. My mother Quinn was so beautiful, on the inside and out like my sister Rachel says, and I feel so proud when people tell me that I remind them of her.
My third mother is my real-life angel, Santana. She was my mother Quinn's best friend since they were five years old. She tells me all the time how much I am like Quinn and how happy that makes her. Santana took care of Mommy Quinn when they were growing up. She took care of my daddy Noah and my big sisters Rachel and Brittany. And now, she takes care of me. Santana has so much love her in heart and I am so lucky that some of it is for me. Santana tells me stories about Quinn and helps me to not forget about her. I only got a few years with my mother before she died, but Santana makes me feel close to her again. She always tells me that everything she does is Quinn acting through her, but I know that it's really just because she loves me and the people in our family so much.
My three mothers are the best people in the world besides my daddy and my sisters. Noah and Brittany and Rachel are all teaching me things and helping me grow up. My mommy Shelby gives me everything she can, from books and toys to love and care. Quinn is my angel and makes me feel safe because I know that she is watching over me. And, as Noah says, Santana is the one who will always stand between me and the world. I am so lucky to have them all.
And there it is - finally, some Santana and Beth. Reviews are always, always welcomed and appreciated.
Love to you all who are reading and sticking with me!