Hephaestion headed straight towards his room, avoiding everyone. He shut the door behind him and slowly made his way over to his bed, sitting on the side and rubbing his tired eyes. His jaw was throbbing where Alexander had punched him. No doubt there would be a bruise there. That would be fun to explain to everyone he thought. He wanted to cry, but would not allow himself to do it. It had nothing to do with the physical pain from his jaw; that was nothing. The pain was in his heart. He had never felt so alone in his life. How did things get so out of control? He had always prided himself on his ability to remain calm and keep things running smoothly. Even with Alexander. He had always been able to temper the king's sometimes chaotic emotions. Not so now. Truth be known, he wasn't even doing a good job of tempering his own emotions at present.
Of its own volition, a tear managed to sneak past his resolve and run down his cheek. "Fuck!" he wiped it away angrily. No, he would not give in to it, would not fall apart no matter how despondent he felt.
He looked down at the pendant that hung around his neck; a matching one to the one Alexander wore. He remembered how happy Alexander had been when he presented him with it, and the promises they had made to one another. That seemed so long ago. It was so long ago. He wondered if Alexander even remembered the significance of it at all. He closed his eyes and, with a deep sigh, slipped the cord over his head and placed the necklace on the small table by his bed. There did not seem much sense in wearing it any longer. It was just a sad reminder of what he had lost.
He knew he had to get away from this place for a while to think, and to be alone. He threw his cloak around his shoulders and made his way to the stables. His big chestnut stallion nickered softly as he approached. "Hello to you, friend. How would you like to ride today?" The horse stood patiently as Hephaestion laid a blanket on his back and fixed a bridle on him. Gripping the horse's mane, he swung his leg up and over the stallion's back. "Come on, let's get out of here."
He took off at a brisk pace, past the gardens, out of the city entirely and just kept riding. For a brief time, he didn't think. He felt the wind in his face and the warm sun on his shoulders. He heard the pounding of his horse's hooves and the rush of the wind. It was a momentary peace and he drank it in. He rode until his horse began to show signs of tiring, and the city was a speck in the distance. Slowing to a walk he made his way to the river, following its bank until he came to a stand of trees. He dismounted, allowing his horse to get a cool drink and graze in the soft grass while he went to rest under a large oak tree.
All the thoughts that he had escaped from for this short time came rushing back in on him at once, and a deep, guttural cry burst from his lips. He sank to his knees in the cool grass and began to cry. Deep sobs that came from his very soul racked his body. He cried until his stomach wretched violently, but there was nothing in it since he had not had the appetite to eat anything all day.
He could not remember the last time he had cried; really cried, like this. He wasn't so sure he had ever cried this hard before, and he was grateful there was no one around to witness his breakdown. Always so sure of keeping himself in check, it was just too much this time. He did not know how long he had been there or how long he had been crying. He only knew he was exhausted, so he stretched out in the shade of the big tree, lying on his stomach with his head cradled on his folded arms. His sobs had reduced to silent tears, which continued to fall until he fell asleep.
Alexander paced back and forth in his chambers, unsure of what to do. He could not believe he had actually hit Hephaestion! He had never done that before, ever. He thought himself lucky that Hephaestion had not retaliated, for he knew that he would probably have lost that fight. He had seen Hephaestion in battle, and he was a force to be reckoned with.
On the other hand, he was still angry at Hephaestion. How could he have taken up with Cassander of all people? What was he thinking? He had practically laughed in his face when confronted with it.
Alexander kicked at a stool and cursed as he hurt his toe in the process. "Damn you, Hephaestion!" he said to himself. "What are you thinking?"
They had both said some very hurtful things to each other. Hephaestion had called him a fool! A drunken fool to be exact. Okay, perhaps he had been drinking more than usual, but it was only because he was angry with Hephaestion. And maybe he had had too much to drink a few times before that as well. He was entitled to enjoy himself as much as anyone else, and his generals were constantly getting drunk at night. Why shouldn't he be able to do the same? He certainly did not lose control of himself when he did, no matter what Hephaestion accused him of.
And why was Hephaestion so fixated on Bagoas? The eunuch had been in Alexander's company for some time, so why all of a sudden was he a point of contention? Why was sleeping with the boy any worse than Hephaestion sleeping with Cassander? Cassander! By the gods….why him? Cassander had always wanted Hephaestion for himself. Everyone knew this. What lies had he told Hephaestion? How had he wormed his way into his bed? He never really liked Cassander, and now he liked him even less. Hephaestion belonged to HIM!
Alexander sighed. He had made the mistake of saying that to Hephaestion. Not good. Hephaestion had deeply resented the comment and informed him that he did not belong to anyone! Alexander knew this, and that wasn't exactly what he had meant. It had come out all wrong. In his anger, his tongue got too far ahead of his brain.
He was still angry with Hephaestion, and no doubt Hephaestion was still angry with him. They needed to talk, and soon.
He made his way to Hephaestion's room and knocked. When no one answered, he let himself inside. No one was there. As he turned to leave, he noticed the necklace lying on the bedside table. It was the necklace that matched his own; the one he had given to Hephaestion as a youth. He had never taken it off before, yet here it was. Why had he taken it off now? He felt a cold stab of fear in his heart. Had he pushed Hephaestion too far? Was it possible to undo the damage they had both done, or was it too late? He picked up the necklace and put it on, the pendant resting on his chest next to his matching one.
He was sad, angry and depressed all at once. Until he could speak with Hephaestion, he had no idea where to go from here. He needed some wine to calm his nerves, so he headed for the dining hall. Hopefully Hephaestion would be there soon so they could sort this out.