CHAPTER X.

Un Kept Secrets

"Rebecca, answer me," Marlene became more adamant she pulled away from her grasp, "It's late you should go," Marlene could only stare, "Are you sure that's what you want?" She voiced in a lowered tone. Rebecca began to weep as she slipped on her robe, "Please just get dressed and go, I can't believe I allowed this to happen," Marlene picked up her clothing and started dressing, "I'm sorry, I thought," Marlene stopped talking briefly, "That's what I get for thinking," She further stated in a huff, "I don't want you to be angry, our lives are different now, different from all those years ago," Rebecca confirmed she grabbed Marlene's arm sitting her down on the bed, "Can we just talk?" She questioned in a meager voice, "You said I should leave," She crossed her arms, Rebecca attempted to grin, "When you left me, I was shattered," She slightly hesitated, "Well we were both shattered, I treated you badly, I blamed myself for the things that went wrong between us," Marlene sighed cutting in, "We weren't happy," Rebecca raised her voice, "Please let me finish," Marlene nodded, "I loved you enough to know I had to let you go, that even though I was hurt and devastated by your decision not to give us a second chance you needed to find happiness and that inner peace you lost," Marlene found her to be somber as she spoke, "I never thought I would return to Düsseldorf let alone Germany, I, could just sweep those bad memories under the rug and not relive them," She slightly chuckled. "It is late and Grace doesn't know I've left," She shrugged her shoulders standing up from the bed.

"Marlene," Rebecca voiced walking her to the door, "I'm sorry, we shouldn't have done what we did tonight," Marlene slung her purse over her shoulder, "I'm not disappointed at all nor will I apologize," Her look became hardened. "We may have not been happy but it was never about the sex," Rebecca became confused, "Was this just about sex for you?" She asked placing her hand against the door and not letting Marlene out, "No, I didn't mean it that way, what I meant was we never lost the great sex we had, sex is how I distracted you from so many things," She answered with candor, "But our lives didn't totally revolve around sex, we had a loving and caring relationship," Rebecca remarked in a hurtful tone, "You have to own up to your feelings Rebecca, you didn't answer me earlier when I asked you if you were in love with Lizette, you have to admit what you really feel," She replied calmly placing her hand on the doorknob and turning it, "Goodnight," She whispered existing the orangery and leaving Rebecca to contemplate what was just said. Rebecca leaned up against the back of the door she thought of their night of passion and how erotic it was but the stark reality of Lizette crept back into her mind, she did the unthinkable she cheated on the woman she claimed she loved an uneasiness clamored through her like a bolt of lightning, "God how do I explain this," She uttered returning to bed, "I promised myself I wouldn't lie or cheat," She became angry and sullen as she laid in bed the need for sleep overtaking her.

Marlene quietly entered the apartment she sat her purse down on the table and took her jacket off she managed a smile heading back into the bedroom she climbed into bed satisfied both sexually and mentally her mind racing back to the sex she had with Rebecca, her touch the way she kissed the way she handled her sweetly and gently in bed the things she missed the most about lovemaking were the things Rebecca had always given her, she taught her how to make passionate love. Marlene buried herself beneath the covers a night fulfilled by her wildest dreams and desires but she felt a sickness in the pit of her stomach she loved Mark but didn't want to hurt him the anxiety of cheating on him flooded her thoughts the tears welled up in her eyes in relation to the anguish and turmoil she had created. "How can I tell him?" She rehearsed out loud and then bit her lower lip in silence not wanting to be heard by Grace her night fitful and lacking of sleep. "Good morning," Grace spoke, as Marlene existed the bedroom dressed and ready for the day's work ahead, "Where did you go last night?" She asked getting to the point, "What?" Marlene felt a twinge of embarrassment, "You left out late," She resounded, "I couldn't sleep and I went out for a walk to clear my mind," She quickly asserted. Grace finished her coffee, "Marlene what's going on with you?" She didn't hesitate to explore continuing, "We've been best friends practically since we met but your strange and apparently at odds with yourself." She goaded moving closer to her face. "I'm not, I'm fine, I'm late for my period," She noted lowering her shoulders in dissatisfaction.

Grace clutched her by the arms, "So you might be pregnant after all," She surmised taking a seat next to her, "Yeah," Marlene stared blankly not wanting to discuss it further, "You could have told me sooner, I thought you were on the pill?" She questioned, "I am!" She exclaimed, "You still haven't shared with Mark about contraception?" Marlene looked at her, "No, I haven't had the heart he desperately wants a child and he's not taking no for an answer, I told you this already," Her tone sharp, "Ok, you did but I can't help thinking something's off with you," She began to dig a little deeper, "Please Grace, stop badgering me, I feel shitty enough about this whole baby thing," She placed the palm of her hand to her forehead, "I'm not talking about being pregnant," She stared seriously, momentarily, "I'm talking about the strange vibe I get when you and Rebecca are in the room together," She remarked studying the expression on her face, "What do you mean?" She asked with a blank look, "I think there's more about Rebecca than you care to elaborate," She spoke stoically, "Please leave Rebecca out of this conversation," She lowered her head her heart jumped to her throat, "Marlene talk to me, do you think I'd be angry or disappointed if there was something about Rebecca you failed to tell me?" Her questioning caused her to think about what she was saying. Marlene took in a deep breath exhaling slowly she sat on the sofa Grace followed sitting beside her, "Grace, I want you to understand something and I hope in my heart you won't judge me," She began, Grace grasped her hand and looked her in the eyes.

"When Hagen and I divorced, I got involved with Tristan, Hagen's and Rebecca's brother, during the beginning of our relationship I was raped by an acquaintance of his and I discovered I was pregnant, Rebecca had returned from New York and helped me get through it all," She stopped clearing her throat, "But Rebecca had fallen in love with me," She stated waiting for a response from Grace, "I'm listening, go on," She assured her it was ok, "I didn't take it very well at first, I declared to her that I wasn't a lesbian and that I wasn't interested in a relationship with her or any other woman but things changed, Rebecca would try to distance herself from me and I would draw her back in, I couldn't leave her alone, I was intrigued, mystified by her in many ways, Tristan and I became engaged and I had every intention of marrying him but as fate would have it, it didn't happen," Grace calmed a now weeping Marlene, "Tristan? I don't believe I've met him," Marlene shook her head in a negative way and continued, "I never knew I could love anyone as much as I loved her, I made myself realize it only after it was too late for Tristan and I," She stood up from the sofa, "I hurt him badly Grace, I left this man who only wanted a happy life with me at the alter, I disgraced and embarrassed him all for the love of Rebecca," She wiped her eyes as Grace took in and processed Marlene's confessions, "Its ok Marlene," She tried to ease her conscience, "It was difficult at first, I did the unthinkable," She grimaced, "I slept with Rebecca while I was dating him, I made Rebecca miserable, I lied to them both, I was confused and I couldn't make myself believe I was falling in love with a woman," Grace interjected, "So you had a thing for Rebecca and slept with her before your wedding day?" Marlene's stare was pensive, "Yes but I told him the truth, it took a lot out of our relationship, I was jealous of Rebecca and the girl she had begun to date," Marlene answered crossing her arms and pacing.

Grace's mind reeled at Marlene's revelations, "So Rebecca began to see someone else to try and get over you and you didn't take it very well," She worded grasping Marlene by the hand and pulling her back to the sofa, "Oh I was angry and jealous, Tristan could tell something was going on he confronted me and I told him that Rebecca meant more to me then just a friend but I tried to make amends, I did love him and I wanted to go on with our relationship, Rebecca or any relationship with her was not in the cards, I just couldn't hurt Tristan anymore than I already had but when your in love its impossible to continue with someone else, I would have never been happy with Tristan and I couldn't continue to lie to myself either, I loved Rebecca that was certain and I just had to let go, let go and love her and let her love me, Tristan ruined me in many ways," Grace was speechless the more Marlene confessed, "He dealt Rebecca and I hell until things began to iron themselves out," Grace groaned under her breath, "I'm guessing things with you and Rebecca didn't last?" Her question on target, "Rebecca and I love each other, we always will but we just couldn't make it work, Rebecca was very devoted to her work, her family, mainly Tanja, pressured and and threatened her the stress it caused was unbearable and it took a toll on us, I didn't work, Rebecca worked constantly, we struggled to find happiness, I did finally take the receptionist job at LCL but things between us got complacent," Marlene bit her tongue in an effort to brave up to the fact Rebecca cheated on her.

"I'm so sorry Marlene," Grace offered in condolence, "Rebecca hurt me Grace by cheating, it was a one time thing, we had argued and in the heat of an angry moment she slept with the Art Director of LCL, she lied about it for weeks and I found out from someone else of her infidelity, imagine how I felt, her not telling me the truth, I just couldn't deal with the lies and the unhappiness and the promises she never seemed to keep," Grace sighed deeply, "I assume you broke it off then?" Marlene wept again, "I did, I wouldn't give her another chance, I couldn't, I gave her a dose of her own medicine and slept with Tristan out of spite and anger, this hurt her badly and she tried very hard to mend what we had, I just felt I needed to find myself, I got a job in LA and left, it didn't last, I returned to Düsseldorf and avoided her until I came to New Haven," She finished talking clasping her hands together and reflecting. "I see, does Mark know about Rebecca?" Grace asked knowing the answer, "No, only Hagen he has no idea of my bisexuality and I chose not to tell him because I didn't want to relive the hurt and the pain my relationship with Rebecca caused me," She stated firmly, "I think he should know Marlene?" She answered her truthfully, "I'm not ready to tell him and certainly not now because I had no clue when I returned here that she was in this state and needed his and my help, wow who would've ever guessed this would happen, seeing her again, ten years is a long time Grace," She looked firmly at Marlene, "Why did you take her therapy case?" She quizzed, "Because Mark thought I could help her, an old friend and ex family member would be easier to deal with and Rebecca didn't have a problem with it, I was uncomfortable at first but I love Mark and Rebecca has also moved on and loves Lizette," She lowered her head.

Grace handed Marlene a tissue she wiped her eyes, "Somehow I don't think that's the case," She insisted firmly, "I'm going to be late for work," Marlene stood up and collected her purse from the table she fetched her keys, "I'll see you at lunch," She quietly left the apartment her heart pounding out of control she ignored Grace's last statement leaving her to ponder the sad story she had shared with her. Marlene fumbled for the keys to Mark's office her cell phone chimed she entered the office closing the door and peering at her phone, "We should talk," The message read from Rebecca, she text her back, "Meet for coffee?" Her fingers quickly typed the message, "Fine, when and where?" She replied, "I have a patient at nine thirty, say eleven at the café by LCL?" She decided, Rebecca was in agreement, Marlene finished her rounds and headed nervously for the café, Rebecca sat in the corner sipping coffee a look of guilt riddled her face, "Marlene," She spoke sitting her cup down, Marlene sat and ordered a coffee, "I'm sorry about last night Rebecca, I was wrong and I didn't think," She uttered lowly, "I'm as guilty as you are, I mean I let it happen," She shrugged, "We both must shoulder the blame, I have to be truthful with Lizette," She remarked, "I can't tell Mark Rebecca, if you tell Lizette then she will use it against me," Rebecca frowned, "I wont let that happen," She assured her, "I don't trust her she already thinks I have some weird thing about you," Marlene became insecure and worried, "I love her and she loves me, I want my life with her to be honest and up front, I can't have this cloud hanging over my head, I already feel shitty," She was candid in her tone, "I can't trust her," She voiced sternly, Rebecca exhaled loudly, "About last night," She began to fidget in her chair, "Yes," Marlene awaited a word, "I can't help but think about how much I've missed you, truly," Her dark brown eyes mesmerized her, "But, I don't believe I can ever make you happy, I know that when you left me I had a lot of time to think and letting you go was what was best for the both of us," She trembled as she talked.

Marlene had a tear roll down her cheek, "I know, again I'm sorry that I let my feelings for you overtake my mind," She lifted the coffee cup to her lips the words Rebecca spoke made her feel as though she were dying inside. "Ten years is a lifetime my life has changed and revolved," Marlene quickly interjected, "But it hasn't come full circle," She reminded her managing a grin from her, Rebecca hadn't changed much Marlene stared at her the fine line that bordered her squared jaw led to the defining dimple in her chin there was a storm that always brewed in those big brown eyes, her well kept hair showed the elegant neckline she always enjoyed caressing, the curve of her lips, inviting, "If you should wish to seek another therapist, I understand completely," She mentioned, "We've come this far Marlene, as far as I'm concerned you've helped me greatly and I will forever be indebted to you and Mark," She smiled relaying the message to her, "But you don't have feelings for me?" Marlene cautiously questioned, "I don't, I will always love you in my heart, you were my guiding light you are very special to me and I cherish those memories but that's all they are now, memories," She could feel her throat tighten as she told a very melancholy Marlene. "I should go," Marlene looked to her watch, "I'm having lunch with Grace, please reconsider telling Lizette, I feel it will only cause problems," She left Rebecca to think about what she had to say. Marlene walked out and turned back looking through the picture window at the woman who once made her world turn she felt sad, depressed and anxious she walked away making her mind up that she should focus on her husband and the child he so desperately wanted to have.

Grace awaited Marlene's arrival to the apartment for lunch she had prepared them sandwiches and tea, "Hey how's your day been?" She welcomed Marlene as she entered the door, lunch was on the table, "Its been good, I have one patient left this afternoon, a real challenge," She remarked biting into her sandwich, "I heard from David they'll be in early afternoon tomorrow," She giggled, Marlene could tell she had missed him, "Yes I've missed Mark," She finished her food and sipped her tea her gut churned in thoughts of Rebecca, "I can help you with Rebecca in the morning, if you wish but the afternoon will be reserved for my husband," She winked, "Yes, I need some alone time with Mark," Marlene appeared somber and quiet. "Are you alright?" She asked, "I'll be fine," The hurt of Rebecca's rejection weighed heavy on her.