Note: Thank you for the kind support of your reading, alerting, favoriting, and reviewing. I'm still really terrible about replying, but I do appreciate the support. Apologies in advance for any typos, they are entirely my fault even though I tried to catch them. Hope you enjoy reading, and thanks for reviewing if you do.
"The stitches and bruises make it look worse than it actually is. Your wife should be fully recovered after a few days recuperation. You can get the rest of her personal belongings from the front desk and let us know when you're ready to take her home."
Deeks nodded and tried to resist the urge to wearily rub his eyes at the doctor's sympathetic, yet detached and professional, voice. It was hard to take forced empathy after the day's events. He took the prescriptions for pain the doctor offered, knowing Kensi wouldn't want to take any of them but that he would fill them anyway, just in case he might be able to convince her later in case she was hurting but wouldn't admit it.
Staring at the slips of paper, nearly indecipherable handwriting scrawled across the bottom, Deeks had to shake himself loose from the reverie of his thoughts. Kensi would likely gain consciousness again soon. He probably still had a few minutes to get her clothing and belongings and fill her prescriptions but he wanted to get back to Kensi's room. Rachel was with her in case she woke up, but Deeks was fighting the impulse to pick Kensi up and take her home right then. He wanted out of the hospital and he knew as soon as Kensi woke up she would demand to go home. It had only been a few hours, but with their cumulative time spent in hospitals they never wanted to linger, even when the reasons for their visits were justified.
When Liam and Cody had brought her into the hospital in Covina a few hours earlier Deeks hadn't been far behind them having driven straight from Ops as soon as he'd gotten the word they'd pulled her from the car in the junkyard. Both men had looked solemn and guilty when Deeks had first approached them in the waiting room outside the emergency room. It wasn't often that either man allowed himself to be shaken by the close calls of their job. But Cody's nearly ashen face, so troubled and missing his normally easy smile, and Liam's inability to look Deeks in the eye when defiance and quiet confidence usually shone through, told Deeks what he feared. They'd come close to losing Kensi and it had stunned them all.
They blamed themselves, but it never occurred to Deeks to lay any blame on Kensi's team. They'd saved her in the end from a situation Deeks was becoming more and more convinced should have never been allowed to come to pass. After the mission had nearly ended with losing Kensi, Hetty had been pulled away from the communications channel with Ops to confer with the CIA, so Deeks hadn't been able to question her further. And in the aftermath, Deeks had been focused on getting to Kensi, not in getting explanations from Hetty. But now, with Kensi safe, more than ever he wanted answers about Jack's past. About what had made the man who'd once loved Kensi leave her to fend for herself and nearly get crushed in the backseat of an Audi.
Deeks had left for Covina as soon as Liam and Cody told him where they were taking Kensi. Along the way he'd checked in with David, who was tailing Kovalev and Jack. And Deeks had been unsettled when David told him he'd lost them. Impatiently snapping, he'd asked how David had allowed that to happen. The former Marine's wry but even voice had told him that Kovalev had gone into a community event at a local Russian orthodox church, somewhere that David as a tall, muscled, African American, couldn't blend in no matter how good his covert undercover skills might be.
Despite Deeks' flaring anger that quickly cooled to a silent apology, David had been unfazed and accepting. After Deeks arrived in Covina, Liam had gone from the hospital to join David, better able to blend in at the church, but he'd found Kovalev and Jack had left in the mix of the crowds of people. Eric was searching for them on Kaleidoscope, but without luck so far. Deeks had ordered David to return to Ops to assist Nell with wrapping up the reports on the part NCIS had played in the CIA mission.
Without being asked, Liam had stepped forward to keep Hailey and Kyle company until Deeks brought Kensi home, something that further impressed Deeks. Liam didn't have to be told how to look after people he cared about. It was a natural protective instinct.
Deeks picked up Kensi's personal belongings and her prescriptions and was heading towards the elevator to return to Kensi's room when Cody's self satisfied voice boomed down the hallway.
"Look who I found lurking around."
Raising his eyebrows expectantly, Deeks couldn't completely hide his surprise at the sight of Hetty, being escorted through the hospital by Cody. Coming to a stop in front of Deeks, Hetty pinned Cody with a sharp, rebuking eye, her dry tone clearly communicating he was on thin ice.
"I do not lurk, Agent Keppinger."
Deeks crossed his arms over his chest and met Hetty's eyes. He didn't even try to keep his expression void of emotion, but he stayed completely silent. Instead of demanding and raising his voice in anger at Hetty, he waited. Hetty stared back at him, unblinking, her shoulders stooping a little the only sign that she felt the weight of his anger.
"The CIA mission was a success. Peter Kovalev believes he has acquired access to satellite technology that will allow him to track the shipments of sensitive materials, weapons, or intelligence. The CIA still doesn't know what exactly Kovalev is after, but Agent Salvay's cover is still intact and he will be able to leak Kovalev's plan to the CIA so they will be able to catch him in the act."
"Thank goodness Salvay's cover is still intact. That had me really worried," Deeks said, his voice low and sharp. "And it's such a relief to know the CIA's mission was a success. Never mind the fact that an NCIS agent was nearly killed."
"Marty, you know I like it about as much as you. But it is the job. Kensi knew that. She knew it enough to tell us to stay away as long as possible," Cody replied, the uncertainty in his eyes making Deeks' temper flare. Deeks knew that one of Cody's strengths and weaknesses was his faith in following the chain of command. As a former Marine, he trusted it and depended on it. It could save him to trust his team to back him up. Or it could be a death sentence if that same structure, when introducing occasionally untrustworthy elements like the CIA, failed him. And it was missions like this that shook the foundations of what Cody believed in, making him cling harder and often defend the very thing that he should question.
"We're talking about minutes, maybe seconds, that had Kensi's life in the balance. We got lucky today. And it is not okay with me that Kensi was basically a pawn in the CIA's game," Deeks replied, shifting his attention from Cody to Hetty, lowering his voice, his eyes hard and demanding. "I don't give a damn about the CIA's mission. But their mission put my wife in danger. Jack Salvay left Kensi to fend for herself, all to maintain his cover. Normal agents who look out for their partners wouldn't do that. You wouldn't tell me what he went through but it clearly turned him into a man who would abandon his partner. And I want to know why."
Instead of resisting, Hetty nodded slowly, the regret in her eyes the only acceptance of blame he knew he would receive. But then she opened her mouth and spoke. She told Deeks and Cody about Jack's history with the CIA, about the deception that led him to become an assassin for one rogue agent, and his eventual recruitment as a genuine agent for the CIA. Deeks listened with incredulous silence turning to a rage that nearly blinded him, the edges of his vision during white hot.
When Hetty finished she didn't offer remorse or justification. Somewhere in the back of his mind Deeks wondered if she refrained from trying to defend her decisions because she wanted his condemnation. Deeks really didn't care enough to examine the thought too closely. All he felt was perfectly justified, piercing betrayal that felt as though his chest had been cut open.
"How could you not think that Jack's past as an assassin, trained to kill people and compartmentalize emotions to focus on a mission rather than on the human element, wasn't important for me to know? For Kensi's team to know?" Deeks asked quietly. "How could you think he was stable enough to have Kensi's life in his hands? His actions today prove that he can't see past the mission."
"Sometimes the mission is the most important thing, Mr. Deeks."
Deeks shook his head wildly, feeling the distance between Hetty, a woman who had given her life to protecting national security, and him, a man with a family more important than any mission, growing with every rational and unemotional word from her mouth. Somewhere in the back of his mind he registered that his reactions were a pendulum swinging rashly in the opposite direction, his emotions more pronounced and irrational. He refused to allow the thought to surface any further than background noise in his mind.
"I don't accept that, Hetty. People are important. Otherwise what are we fighting for?" Deeks asked.
"We are fighting for people, Mr. Deeks. The nameless masses of people out in the world that don't know what we do and never have to know. You used to understand that. Your wife certainly does," Hetty replied, her words a sharp rebuke. Deeks knew she was right in her own way. But he would never be able to accept losing the woman he loved as the cost for a successful mission.
"Kensi understands what she signed up for. We both do. But that doesn't mean a loose canon like Jack is an acceptable risk. You should have told me—us—about Salvay," Deeks said stubbornly.
"And how would that have changed what happened today, Mr. Deeks?" Hetty asked mildly. "The mission would have still gone on. We would likely still be standing here."
"It's because you didn't think Jack's past was relevant to his present that Kensi was almost killed," Deeks said harshly. Although he looked pained at intervening, Cody held up a hand.
"Marty—"
"No, Cody. There should have been more thought put into if the mission was safe, if Jack was the right backup. Kensi wouldn't have had to be put in danger. She wouldn't have had limited backup from a former assassin for the CIA who seems to have had whatever loyal impulse there is to protect his partner removed. Kensi should have never been left in that situation."
"But she's fine. And it all worked out," Cody replied, trying to defend Hetty and her decisions. Deeks understood his loyalty but felt a twinge of anger that Cody wasn't as angry and him at what had almost happened to Kensi.
"But it may not have. It so easily could have not," Deeks shot back at Cody, turning his anger at his brother-in-law. "I can't believe you're defending what happened, that you're defending how your sister was almost killed to cover a CIA mission."
Cody's eyes flashed and he stepped closer to Deeks. His voice was low and growling with anger. "Don't question my loyalty and love for Kensi. You're trying to make this black and white, but it's never that simple. Almost everything we do is somewhere in the gray."
Simmering with fury, Deeks steadied his eyes on Cody. He wasn't used to being at odds with his friend. Truly, they'd become more than friends or in-laws over the years. They were family and brothers in a way that biology could never overrule. Deep down Deeks knew Cody carried his own irrationalities and history into every situation, just as Deeks did. But he also knew he could always count on Cody to have his back.
Cody's voice gentled from rebuke to sympathy. Deeks saw the mirror in Cody's eyes, felt Cody's understanding of his fear he'd felt as a husband and a father. But Cody also understood the pull of loyalty and duty, perhaps better than all of them. "We had a dangerous mission. We have them all the time. We don't just back down because they might go wrong. If we did then bad things would happen far more often than they already do. Hetty knows the game."
Deeks sighed, running a hand through his hair as his anger cooled a little. He knew it wasn't as simple as he'd made it out, or as simple as his heart made it. "I know. I just wish Kensi's life wasn't a bargaining chip in the game."
"Mr. Deeks, I do not take it lightly when I have to consider the cost of my decisions. I made judgments on Agent Salvay's field readiness that while you think they may not have been entirely sound, were balanced on the needs of the mission and the risks to Kensi's safety. You must realize that your ability to see the situation is somewhat emotionally clouded."
"Kensi is my wife, Hetty. My son's mother. My family. Damn right I'm emotionally clouded," Deeks replied sharply.
"I don't think we're ever going to see eye-to-eye on this, are we, Mr. Deeks?"
"I don't think so, no," Deeks said simply.
"Does it help that I wish I never had to make decisions that put my agents in danger, that I regret the pain it has caused them and the people who care about them?"
Deeks sighed, a younger, more naïve part of him wishing it did. "It doesn't really, no. Because you'd still make those decisions again, wouldn't you?"
Hetty paused, the air between them feeling heavy with importance in the time it took for her to respond. It felt like her answer would be a turning point, something neither of them could come back from.
"I probably would, yes," Hetty said quietly. Deeks could at least respect her honesty, even as he shook his head sadly.
"It's not a game, Hetty. It's our lives. We're not all chess pieces to be manipulated and traded at whim for some greater, higher purpose."
"One day, Mr. Deeks, you may find that my abilities at manipulation and trading will be the very thing you need. And you may be willing to do things you never thought imaginable, in the name of what you think is right."
Again, Deeks shook his head, suddenly feeling very tired. Tired after the day's events, tired after being helpless and watching Kensi nearly be killed, and tired of Hetty's rationalizations and justifications that just felt like lies and excuses. Hetty didn't offer another word of explanation; she quietly took his disappointment before ordering Kensi home for several days of recovery.
Deeks watched Hetty leave, knowing she would return to Ops and nothing would really change. Not when it came to her drive to complete a successful mission. Deeks knew Hetty had her reasons. He just wasn't sure he could go along with Kensi being exposed to the fallout of her reasons.
Cody's hand, solid and heavy, landed on his shoulder and captured his attention. Cody looked at him quietly, their earlier exchange of angry words already forgotten. Deeks didn't hold Cody's words against him, he knew they both cared about Kensi. And Deeks still trusted Cody more than anyone else to watch out for Kensi.
"You alright?"
Deeks nodded, and then jerked his head in the direction down the hallway to Kensi's room. "I'll be fine as soon as we get out of here. Let's see if Kensi's awake, I want to take her home."
Deeks led the way, opening the door to Kensi's room, his eyes immediately searching for her, hoping brown eyes would meet his. The sight of Jack, standing next to Kensi's bed, and Rachel blocking him, her lips set in a hard frown, had Deeks reacting purely to protect and automatically to defend.
Deeks had Jack up against the wall, his forearm pushing hard into the man's throat and feeling his windpipe beginning to collapse inward, ignoring Jack's attempts to struggle, before Deeks had the conscious thought to act. Deeks ignored the sounds around him, his focus entirely on eliminating the threat Jack represented. Jack had nearly gotten Kensi killed. Jack had preyed on Kensi's kindness and their history as a way to get close to her, to make her trust him. And when Kensi had needed him, Jack and turned his back on her and had protected himself.
Deeks couldn't have pulled himself back from Jack even if he'd wanted to. He felt the sharp pain of his teeth grinding together, nearly every muscle of his body tightening in angry response to having a threat, an enemy, so close to the one person he valued more than any other. Dimly he heard Rachel's worried voice, her pleading with him to stop. A satisfied and ruthless voice recognized her concern was ultimately for him and not for Jack. Deeks had seen the way Rachel and stood between Kensi and Jack, blocking Jack from advancing towards Kensi. And Deeks knew part of his reaction was based on the impulse to protect Rachel, too. No way did he want Rachel to be put in the path of any kind of danger because she'd been exposed to Jack.
Cody placed both hands on his shoulders, but Deeks registered brief surprise that they weren't pulling him back. Deeks shot a glance back at Cody and felt the trusting weight in his gaze, in his hands on his shoulders. Cody would follow Deeks down whatever path he chose. And swiveling his eyes back to Jack, watching the man's face pale and his lips opening to gasp for breath, Deeks didn't feel like stopping. He pushed forward, watching as Jack's head bowed forward under the pressure of his arm, his focus entirely on stopping the threat to Kensi.
"Marty! Stop!"
It could have only been Kensi's voice that would make him relent. And her voice, speaking his name with worry and command, finally made him freeze. Deeks felt his chest heaving under the deep breaths, his lungs working furiously to fuel the wild beating of his heart, and the burst of rage faded quickly, allowing in the sounds around him from Rachel's short gasp of air to Kensi's repeating his name again and again, pulling him back to her.
Deeks stepped backwards, releasing Jack, the muscles in his arm nearly cramping against the effort. Jack's face immediately flushed as he gulped in air and blood flowed again. Unable to speak, Jack's knees buckled underneath him and if not for Cody catching him roughly by the arm and depositing him in a nearby chair, he would have fallen to the ground. Deeks felt an uneasy flicker of shame at what he'd almost done, even while he shoved it aside, feeling ruthlessly justified.
Turning around to Kensi, he expected to see anger, accusation, or disappointment in her eyes. Instead, he saw sympathy and understanding, with a sheen of fear she blinked away as she held her hand out for him to take. Deeks went immediately to Kensi's side, gathering her closely, but carefully, in his arms. Knowing she was bruised, he hugged her lightly, her arms around his shoulder and smoothing over his back.
"I was so worried," Deeks murmured.
"I'm okay."
"You almost weren't. Just a few minutes more—"
"Marty, I'm okay," Kensi replied firmly, pulling back to look him in the eye. Deeks let his gaze wander over Kensi's face, lingering on the wound at her hairline, the ugly pucker of stitches in the middle of a purple and green bruise that had flecks of dried blood at the edges. He glanced at the juncture of her neck and shoulder, seeing a long gouge, caused by either her confrontation in the junkyard with Kovalev's guard, or in the process of her crawling through a collapsing car. He so badly wanted to argue with her, that she was not okay and the evidence was right in front of him. But his eyes narrowed as he saw the brief tremble in her lips as she tried to smile reassuringly at him and Deeks nodded slowly, allowing Kensi her words of assurance. She needed him to agree she was okay, if only to hold herself together.
Hearing hushed but angry voices behind them, Deeks turned around to see Rachel and Cody squaring off. Cody was holding a water pitcher in one hand, and had given Jack a cup of water with his other. Jack was swallowing painfully, elbows leaning over his knees and clearly still recovering his breath. And Rachel pointed at Jack, her disbelief written plainly on her face and making her voice loud.
"I can't believe you're helping him after what he did to Kensi!"
"Rachel, you know it's not that simple. He did what he had to in order to keep his cover in place. I don't like it, but I get it," Cody said patiently.
"Just a second ago you would have helped Marty bury his body where nobody would ever find it and now you're giving him water to make him feel better and you're defending him. I don't know how you can be someone who can flip on a dime like that," Rachel fumed. Cody put the pitcher down and took Rachel's hands, looking at her in the eye.
"I would do anything for my family, you know that," Cody said patiently, glancing back at Deeks. "But I've also been a soldier. I know what it's like to follow orders that make it hard to sleep at night, that make it hard to know who I am. So I understand that feeling, too."
Kensi met Cody's eyes and nodded, seeing the warring sides of him, the inexplicable contradiction in what being an honorable man and a man who followed orders could mean. Cody fell silent, glancing down at Jack with an empathetic lift of his shoulders. Rachel's anger seemed to fade, even while she couldn't fully understand what her husband meant. Still undeterred, Rachel pointed her index finger at Jack, her accusation sharp.
"He shouldn't have come to the hospital. What if someone followed him?"
"Kovalev doesn't suspect me, not after what I did for him. I wasn't followed," Jack managed to wheeze out, while looking slightly offended that Rachel had suggested he wouldn't notice a tail. Rachel still looked suspicious and Kensi's heart swelled at the sight of her friend so unmoving in her defense and protection of her. Rachel might not be able to take down a larger physical opponent, but she never let that stop her from charging into the battle. Even so, Kensi knew this was a battle she needed to fight on her own.
"I'd like to speak to Jack. Alone."
Kensi's announcement initially had Deeks raising his eyebrows in surprise. But when he turned to look at Kensi, feeling the argument spring to his lips, her steady eyes quieted him. He couldn't explain it, but he suddenly understood Kensi's clarity. She stared death in the face that afternoon and she was focused and calm. Even not knowing what she planned to say to Jack, Deeks felt no uncertainty in whatever she might say.
Deeks leaned over and touched his lips to Kensi's, the warmth of her mouth melting against his. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, hating the cottony smell of bandages and rubbing alcohol that diluted the familiar scent of her he so badly wanted to register. Kensi's lips lingering on his, kissing once, twice, and then three times before she pulled back, whispering against his lips.
"And then we'll go home."
Without another word, Deeks nodded and left, not knowing what Kensi would say to Jack, but knowing in the end she would come home to their family. Putting an arm around Rachel's shoulders, he steered her along with him, feeling her hair brush against his neck as she worriedly glanced back at Kensi. Cody followed in their wake, his eyes troubled and concerned as he looked from his sister to Deeks.
Watching her family leave, Kensi took several deep breaths before she allowed her eyes to shift and look over at Jack. He was watching her, his face finally returning to a normal color, though his jaw was tight and his dark eyes stormy.
When Jack finally spoke, it was with difficulty, his voice rasping as he struggled to swallow. "Look, Kensi, I know things weren't ideal this afternoon. But I knew you could handle yourself and I had to keep the appearance of my cover. Kovalev had to have absolute proof that I was on his side. He had to see me hurt you and he had to see me willing to kill someone for him. I didn't want to do it but—"
"Stop."
Kensi cut Jack off, spitting the word off angrily. "I don't need you to explain all the operational reasons. I know why you did it. But your decisions almost got me killed. I have a husband, a son, and a sister who need me. Marty, Kyle, and Hailey. They need me." Kensi paused, taking a steadying breath as the naming of her family nearly made her voice break. "I have a job that puts my ability to be with them at risk every day. But what that really means is that I need to do everything in my power not to up that risk by trusting people who can't be trusted and who I should not have in my life."
Jack looked stricken, his face turning pale again, his eyes widening.
"No, Kensi, you forgave me. Even after everything I did before, you forgave me. We just found each other again and I know what we had before is different now, but I don't want to lose you again," Jack replied, his voice turning desperate.
"I forgive you, but I can't know you. I have to let you go. For my family, for my husband, but mostly for me. I know you did what you had to, and I'm even impressed at how you pulled that off without flinching, even for a second. You're a hell of a CIA agent, Jack. But I can't work with people I don't trust and I can't have people in my life I don't trust. And I don't trust you."
Kensi watched as every word she spoke hit home, as Jack seemed to slump in his chair, seemed to be made smaller by the truths she spoke. Kensi knew what she said would hurt, but it was the truth. Being faced with death and her one thought being of her family had refocused her on what was important. She had a past that would always be with her. But she couldn't let that completely dictate who she was in the present. She couldn't let who she'd been twenty years ago change who she was now.
Still, knowing Jack had suffered in his own way, Kensi gentled her voice. She could finally walk away from him as a memory or a ghost or a shadow from her past. But that didn't make her want to hurt him. It also meant she had to be truthful because lying to him wouldn't help him move on and it wasn't fair to who she was, and to the people she loved.
"You didn't lose me before. I lost you and I found a way to move on. You had your reasons, but you walked away. You're not my Jack anymore and I'm someone else's Kensi."
She spoke quietly, but with the conviction of a woman firm in her place. Her place in her own past, present, and future. Her place in Deeks' life. And her place in the lives of her family. Jack had made choices that forced Kensi to make her own decisions and she couldn't be sorry for where they'd led her. She'd carried around the pain of Jack's choices for too long. She was finally giving it up for good.
Jack stared at her for several long minutes, his eyes turning carefully blank as his expression went from pained to hollow as he studied her and she looked back at him, unmoved. Kensi could feel compassion for Jack as a soldier and acquaintance from her past, but any ownership for his past was something she couldn't allow herself to keep carrying.
Kensi wondered if she would have felt different if she and Jack had just happened across one another on the street. The circumstances of their mission and Jack's choices had forced Kensi to confront and see what wouldn't have been immediately apparent. Although it had been a painful lesson to learn, Kensi wasn't entirely sorry for it. She knew where she belonged now, and she knew where Jack belonged. In her past.
Without another word, Jack nodded once and stood, turning towards the door. As he reached for the door he paused, looking back at Kensi for one long, last minute. Kensi waited, having said everything she needed to.
"I'm sorry," Jack said softly. He didn't elaborate and Kensi didn't ask what he was apologizing for. Putting her in danger, attacking her during their mission, leaving her years before, never contacting her, it didn't really matter. Kensi lifted her chin and nodded just once, the only acknowledgement she was prepared to give.
Yanking the door open, Jack passed through the doorway and was gone in the time it took Kensi to draw a breath. And just as quickly, Deeks was there, hovering in the doorway with an expression of concern and uncertainty. Knowing she had helped put some of that hesitation in him, Kensi reached out her hand for Deeks to take and kept her eyes, which burned a little as she blinked quickly, fixed on him.
"Take me home."
To be continued