Fanboy And Chum Chum: A New Hope
(A/N: Fourth up today. Subject matter definitely not suited for children to follow in the next chapter and to a degree in this one. Mostly innuendo, though, that children probably wouldn't understand. There are also mentions of a May-September Romance and all that, though. Again, story is slightly more mature subject matter than others have been. The subsequent ones will be as well, though in other ways.)
The Stuff of Nightmares
"Don't drink those!" Lenny screamed desperately at Fanboy and Chum Chum. Boog looked just as horrified, Oz intrigued. Mufflin blinked blankly at Lenny while Poopatine face palmed, shaking his head.
"Why?" Chum Chum finally asked.
"Drink them!" Kyle insisted.
"But why's the weird homeless guy telling us not to?" Fanboy asked.
"Because he's insane!" Kyle desperately insisted.
"Oh…" the two said together.
"I am not, but you two will be! Don't drink them!" Lenny ordered. Fanboy and Chum Chum looked from Lenny to Kyle to the Frosty Freezy Freezes. All at once they shrugged and downed them.
"No!" Lenny exclaimed.
"Yes!" Kyle cried excitedly. "My ninnies are coming back!"
"My nightmares are coming to life! Not to mention my stress twitch," Lenny said in despair, twitch starting up again.
"All right little dudes, let's see how you take comics," Oz said, smiling excitedly. He now knew where he was supposed to be in the eyes of these two children, and he'd come prepared.
All at once Fanboy and Chum Chum were off the walls like nothing! Lenny gaped in horror. Boog cried out and ducked under Fanboy. "Chimp Chomp!" he cried, racing to the machine and standing in front of it protectively. "If either of yous dweebs hurt my baby I'll give ya such a boppin' ya won't wake up until graduation! Don't worry honey, Boog's back and I ain't never gonna leave ya again."
FBaCC
"Well, this is all coming together quite nicely," Poopatine remarked.
"I feel like I'm living the time stream you described," Mufflin remarked.
"Excellent," Poopatine said.
"Man Arctica!" Fanboy and Chum Chum cheered, having just read through the whole first ten comics in ten seconds, going solely off their sugar rush as they clambered onto Oz's shoulders to read them. Almost immediately after, they dove behind the counter and leapt out dressed as superheroes again!
"I am Fanboy!" Fanboy exclaimed.
"And I'm his sidekick, Chum Chum!" Chum Chum added.
"Score!" Kyle exclaimed. Now where were Sigmund, Duke, and Michael? As if on cue, suddenly Sigmund appeared, and he brought Duke, Michael, Francine, and Nancy with him. In fact, he had the whole class in tow.
"Wow, Sigmund the Sorcerer!" Fanboy and Chum Chum said in awe.
"Sigmund is here," Sigmund declared. "Danke, danke schon," he added, bowing to Fanboy and Chum Chum. "Vell, zis vas qvick. Kyle, I didn't sink you had it in you to do anysing right let alone zis menial task."
"Menial?! I'll show you menial!" Kyle yelled furiously.
"Enough, boys! There's more work to be done," Poopatine interrupted.
"Most is done, zese vuns have been informed. Sigmund is, naturally, ein miracle vorker," Sigmund boasted. Kyle twitched. He'd conformed the whole class?! The wizard groaned and face palmed.
"What do you mean?" Fanboy quickly asked.
"What's going on?" Chum Chum suspiciously wondered. Poopatine sighed again. He was getting sick of repeating this story over and over. Nonetheless he did so dutifully.
FBaCC
"So all we have to do now is get Lenny a job here and get Oz's Comix and Collectables back in business," Chum Chum said.
"Shouldn't be too hard," Fanboy said, snatching an application from Frosty Mart's counter and handing it to Lenny. "Sign away, Lenard."
Lenny blinked, hesitated, then finally filled it out. Quickly he put it in the box, saying, "Here's hoping this works."
"It will," Poopatine said, flicking a finger towards the paper on the sly. Sigmund and Kyle caught the gesture and raised eyebrows but didn't comment. It was probably nothing.
"What about Oz's store?" Yo questioned.
"Mrs. Harmonium isn't going to give it up easily," Nancy added, nodding in agreement.
"Russ has it covered," Mufflin said.
"I what now?" Poopatine asked.
"Oh please, she was checking you out," Mufflin replied.
"She was what?!" he veritably screamed, panic coming to his eyes.
"Ew," Francine said, cringing in disgust. Oz twitched.
"Father, you're our only hope!" Kyle insisted. Poopatine blinked at the two children then looked around at all the others. Meekly he whimpered. Oh he was going to regret this, he just knew it. The things he did for, ugh, love, blech. He despised the word. He sighed deeply. Here went Nightmare On Galaxy Street, or Hacksaw. Either way it would be a horror come to life.
FBaCC
Poopatine wandered casually into the frozen yogurt shop looking around, seemingly interested in the décor. "Well, look who decided to come back for more of Mama Harmonium's Yogurt," Mrs. Harmonium said.
Poopatine shuddered visibly but forced a cordial smirk, saying, "Why Mrs. Harmonium what an, um, unusual, taste in décor you have."
"All the better to lure in unsuspecting customers with," she replied.
Poopatine went up to the yogurt selections and said, "Mrs. Harmonium, what a nice array of flavors you have." Because spinach and Brussels sprouts were such great flavors. Hah! Not that he didn't like them the way they were supposed to be eaten, but there were just some things that didn't belong in yogurt.
"All the better to catch the sweet tooth of my customers with," she answered, climbing off the throne and walking around the counter to stand beside him. He cringed and tried not to imagine her looking up at him in amusement.
"Mrs. Harmonium, how close you're getting," he muttered, stepping slightly away.
She grabbed his clothes and pulled him near again, saying, "All the better to warm you with." He felt his stomach churn.
"Is it necessary to be wearing… that?" he asked, looking over her bikini, with accessories.
"You like it?" she asked. He wanted to run screaming, actually. He felt like tearing his eyes out as he forced himself to 'check her out.' Ugh, he felt dirty.
"Very… interesting choice," he replied. He would not under any circumstances say she looked even the slightest bit good in it. He would die first.
FBaCC
She chuckled and went back to the throne, lounging on it and striking a pose. He immediately looked back at the flavors. He had to resist gagging. "You're Undertaker Poopatine," she said.
"Janitor, now," he replied, half-hoping it would turn her off.
"Ooh, a janitor! How exciting," she said. Yes, about as exciting as a clogged toilet, he wryly told himself. Nonetheless he smiled at her. "I've always wondered what being with a janitor would be like." His eye twitched about five times before he finally got control over his muscles.
In barely a mutter he replied, hating himself more and more passionately with each word, "And I've wondered what it would be like to be… be with a-a yogurt maven?"
"Ooh, Poopy, you flatter me," she said.
"Poopatine," he replied bluntly. "Please, call me Russ."
"Russell, I like," she said.
"Just Russ," he remarked. It wasn't that he didn't like the name Russell, it was just too much of a throwback to… certain times in his life…
"How old are you, sugar lips?" she asked.
Sugar lips? Really? He twitched then grinned innocently, answering, "Seven or eight hundred years or so." She blinked blankly. "I mean late forties to late fifties!" he quickly exclaimed, not giving an exact age. Chuckling nervously he added, "Take your pick?"
"Ooh, and I'm eighties. How do you feel about May to December?" she flirted.
He twitched again before quickly stopping himself. He had to get that under control. Now honestly he had no qualms about May to December romances. Why where he'd come from they'd been quite common. In fact, his and Brenda's had been just such a love. He frowned, recalling that bit of his past. Of course, there was a point where such romances went way out of line…
...
It had been awkward, he recalled. He'd certainly never wanted it at first. But her father was a greedy and controlling man. He'd literally offered his girl to him when she was only twelve. He'd refused, of course. He'd been appalled at the man. After all, there were fifteen years between him and her. Not that that was and overly huge gap, but still. Of course the next match that freak of a father had lined up for her was some rich old fat man of sixty-three. He certainly hadn't been about to let that happen to the poor child.
He'd paid her dowry, he remembered, just to ensure the pervert didn't get his clutches into her—and the sixty-three year old had been a pervert, he'd found the man's stash once—but he'd lied to her father to avoid a marriage, telling him he'd be gone for some years seeking a fortune. He'd fed the man what he wanted to hear and spared the girl her innocence. Her father was pleased and kept her at home and 'fresh,' as the old man had put it, for her future husband. Poopatine hadn't planned on ever returning, actually. Brenda had found him, though. Quite by accident, really. He'd returned to the town after eight years or so, expecting them to be gone. No such luck. He'd seen her father and had frozen in place. He'd seen a flash of red hair next to him and knew it was her. He'd turned quickly, walking away, but she'd seen him, and by some miracle hadn't forgotten him either.
He knew her father had planned a marriage with the conductor of ceremonies years ago. He had gone directly there, planning to completely eliminate any mention of any such thing ever, ever, ever happening. He'd chewed the man out for agreeing to marry a twelve year old in the first place, granted by then she was twenty, and then the man had told him her father was getting impatient and wouldn't wait much longer. Russ had said flat out the last thing he'd ever wanted to do was marry a child; and then of course she'd had to say his name. He'd spun around. His mouth had dropped, because standing in the door of the hall was no child. Not by a long shot. And honestly, he believed to this day that if her father had offered her when she was in adulthood, and not childhood, he would have accepted quite eagerly.
He could hardly stammer her name, and the conductor of ceremonies had slipped away undetected. He was lucky he had too, because Russ had been fully prepared to kill him. He'd dumbly asked how things had been going. Confused, she'd replied they were going fine. Then like a moron he'd told her he hadn't come back for her and not to be afraid. It was a justified statement, he knew, but fear had been the last thing on her mind. That had been betrayed by the crystal clear and fairy like laugh she'd let ring out like silver bells right before racing into his arms and kissing him. He hadn't known whether to be appalled or not. He'd told her in alarm that he was thirty-five now, that she was only twenty, that it was inappropriate in this day and age. Of course given their ages at that point it really hadn't sounded as bad anymore.
She'd told him that he'd saved her life, and for the life of him he couldn't fathom how. Not until she thanked him. Thanked him for everything. For paying off her father, for sparing her innocence, for saving her from becoming an unwilling bride to an old man who would have without a doubt taken her as a child into his bed and stolen everything from her. And she'd said that her one regret was that he'd left. Talking her father out of marriages he'd wanted to push her into afterwards had been difficult, to say the least, but she had kept up the guise of a loyal bride to be and had been spared such a grievance. Somewhere along the lines, though, she'd begun to seriously ponder whether she had become just that as time had worn on.
Eight years was a lot of time to do some serious thinking. There had been young men very interested in her, good looking ones. She could have had her pick, but the one image on her mind was the man who had so long ago rescued her from a fate she deemed worse than death. He wasn't attractive in any way shape or form, he knew; in fact he was what most would call ugly, plain and simple, but she had told him she'd always wanted him to come back. If she had only been able to look once more at him it would have been everything to her. She'd pined for him. Why, he had no clue. He wasn't by any stretch of the imagination a catch and they hardly knew each other. He'd worked with her father and knew her that way, but had hardly spoken to her. Well, they'd spoken enough for her to take to calling him Magic Man and Merlin. Still…
Then she'd asked him a question. If he'd married her then, when she was a child, would he have taken her everything from her? He'd replied quite simply that he didn't know, and he hadn't wanted to find out because it had certainly been the last thing on his mind at the time; but then men were men, and as one aged, beauty became more pronounced. She was testament to that, because never in a million years had he expected she'd become this. He wouldn't have done anything to her at twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, but sixteen and up was more ambiguous. And he asked her, if he'd married her then would she have grown so attached to him. She replied she hadn't known either, but she would give anything at that moment to go back in time and find out.
He'd called her naïve and foolish to want such a thing. She smiled approvingly at him and he'd known it had been a test. Apparently one he'd passed, because once more she kissed him, softly this time, and whispered into his ear, 'I want this.' He'd shivered visibly. Right then and there before he could do anything to stop her or anything, really, they'd been married. She was forceful. She'd returned to her father with a husband hardly twenty minutes after she'd left, the most of that time spent with the brief ceremony that had happened without any guests or props say for one witness.
…
His eyes were closed tightly and dryly he swallowed. Gods, he missed her so, so much. He shook his head then looked up at the woman lounging on the throne awaiting a reply. He couldn't do this for much longer… "I'm not against them," he remarked.
"Oh good. Why don't you come upstairs and give me some tips on my work," she remarked. He didn't want to try and read hidden meanings into that phrase that may or may not have been there, but he was doing so.
"Actually, I have a prior engagement…" he began.
"Forget about it," Mrs. Harmonium said. "I'm menopausal. No repercussions." His mouth dropped. His mind went into overdrive as he began to panic. Had she just propositioned him?! Oh immortal deities! He nearly gagged.
"I have to go!" he exclaimed in terror, whirling and shooting out the door like Death itself was on his heels.
FBaCC
"Fazher?" Sigmund asked, as the man raced out, hell-bent on escape.
Poopatine ran straight into Mufflin, seizing him and yelling, "I can't do this! Don't make me do this! That woman, that thing, oh gods!"
"What happened, what did she say?!" Mufflin demanded, alarmed at the terror and horror on the Janitor's face. He'd never seen him like this before! Forcing himself to calm down, Poopatine looked back at the children and young adults. Twitching he grabbed Mufflin's arm, pulling him to the side. Quietly he whispered what had just happened. "Oh gods!" the others heard Mufflin exclaim. Okay, something had definitely gone wrong in there.
"Papa, get back there! We need to restore the time-stream as closely to the original as possible!" Kyle insisted.
"Lenny just got a call back from Frosty Mart," Duke added.
"He's hired," Michael chimed. Lenny nodded. Things were going too perfectly for one little mishap to stop it! Oh if only the boy knew, Poopatine thought.
Poopatine twitched then sighed, forlornly looking at the ground and walking dejectedly back inside. For his children, anything for his children. They were the only two people he'd ever loved more than Brenda herself. They were all that was left of her, with exception to the chair named in her honor. Gently he stroked it as he passed. It whirred as if sensing exactly what was on his mind. This time, though, curiously the others followed.
FBaCC
Poopatine went up to the counter and said, "Mrs. Harmonium, let's talk…"
Her eyes lit up almost predatorily. Mufflin shivered. Oh, he didn't like this at all. "Ooh, of course Russ. Ozzy, hold down the store. I have some toys I'd like to show the janitor.
"Toys?" Fanboy and Chum Chum asked eagerly. Oz covered their ears instantly, pale. Lenny and Boog stared, aghast. The children all began muttering curiously.
"Everybody out!" Mufflin ordered immediately, before they caught on.
"What kind of toys?" Kyle asked curiously, just before he and Sigmund were to be herded out with the others.
Poopatine twitched then cringed. He smiled innocently at them saying, "Only adults understand how to use them, children, off you go." He didn't think any sentence could make him feel filthier then that one had. He thanked his lucky stars they didn't seem the wiser. Still curious, they accepted the answer and walked out.
"I'm with you Russ, in your soul!" Mufflin declared, sniffing and putting his hands on Poopatine's shoulders. "Go on soldier, for your children!" he saluted. Poopatine blinked blankly, pale, then groaned and followed the woman. Oh he would have to do some fast thinking to get out of this one. "There goes a brave man," he heard Mufflin mutter. No! He wasn't brave, he wasn't! He was a coward! He wanted out big time! Oh who was he kidding? Just coming back inside had been an act of valor.