A/N: This is one of the saddest chapters there will be, so of course it was the most fun to write.
All of the lyrics in this chapter belong to Missy Higgins, not me. They're from her song "Where I Stood," which is one of my favorites.
To all of you RoChu fans…sorry.
The day after Group, Yao woke up late. Ivan's side of the bed was empty. He yawned, stretched, and padded downstairs in slippers. On the kitchen table was a note. It began:
Dearest, dearest Yao,
Yao smiled. Ivan was so sweet. Then he kept reading. And read it again. "Ivan?" he yelled, running from room to room. "Ivan!" But there was no one to hear him in the empty house.
Dearest, dearest Yao,
I loved going to Group with you. All of the people there were so kind, kinder than I deserve. They are good people. I am not. They can take care of you. I cannot. There is no guarantee that I will ever be able to stop hurting you, so I am leaving before I can do any more damage. Now maybe you can get over the trauma, and find someone who can love you without hurting you. Please trust me that this will make everything easier. Trust me, and forget me.
Love you forever,
Ivan
P.S. I'm sorry. I never got to properly say how sorry I am. For everything.
Miles away, Ivan turned on the radio, bored. The sun was up, so Yao probably was too. Maybe he'd even read the letter. Ivan had been driving for hours and still didn't want to stop. He wasn't far enough from everything he was trying to leave behind. He feared he might never get far enough.
"I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun..."
Ivan sighed, pulling the picture from his pocket. Yao's smiling face almost made him want to go back. Ivan looked at the picture one last time and rolled down the car window. He kept driving, picture lying by the side of the road.
"But something told me to run
And honey, you know me, it's all or none..."
He was doing it for Yao, he told himself. So that he could crawl out of Ivan's shadow and make a new life for himself. He could move on. He could forget Ivan. But even without the picture, Ivan knew that he would never forget Yao.
'
"There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh, and I found myself listening."
Because he couldn't stay with Yao. Not when he had hurt him so much. He thought Ivan didn't see the scars, but he did. They were everywhere, and it hurt to know he had caused such pain. What was to stop him from doing more? Could the meds and therapy hold him back? The bottom line was that Ivan couldn't trust himself. Not anymore. Maybe never again. The chorus was much louder, so much that he turned the volume down. Then he turned it back up. He wanted to lose himself in this.
"See, I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you aren't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside."
He couldn't deny it. He couldn't pretend he didn't love Yao more than anything, and just want to go home to him. It took all of his energy not to turn the car around and drive straight to their little apartment. But he stopped himself. This was what he had to do. This was the right thing to do. This would help Yao, to make up for every time Ivan had hurt him.
"'Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should."
Ivan sat back and let the music wash over him. It's for the best, he thought again. Seeing Yao with the other Group members, Ivan knew he'd be okay. They would care for him. It made him ridiculously jealous to think of Yao getting support from someone else, falling in love with someone else...
"'Cause he will love you more than I could
He who dares to stand where I stood."
Ivan pulled over to the side of the road and turned off the radio. He couldn't stand that stupid song. In the silence, there was nothing to stop him from crying.
A/N: Thank you for reading! There will be more information about Feliciano and Lovino's fight in the next chapter.