A/N: Just one chapter today, but its a decent length and has shameless Shenko smut, so hopefully you'll forgive me!
This chapter made me think a lot about the Mass Effect 3 ending, as presented with only the EC DLC... Since this story is a continuation of Reflections, which was my ME3 canon epilogue. As I have always said, I am not unhappy with the ending, I just wanted more - thus, I wrote Reflections. I maintain this opinion, but I think a few years after the fact, that there are a few things that don't quite make sense, and I believe that the same thing would be happening in Kat and Kaidan's world as well. It's been nearly two years (and yes, I went back through Reflections and added, so that I could be accurate :-P), and the Normandy crew has evolved and changed and learned. Hopefully I've been able to express that in a way that makes sense and seems organic to all of you. Let me know how I did! I will be back Monday with more!
Huge love and thanks to Jules Hawk - your reviews are always thoughtful and as amazingly well written as your fanfics, and they never fail to make me smile! Thank you so much for taking the time to give me your feedback! To everyone else reading, following, favoriting, thank you, too! We all have busy lives, thank you for the gift of your time!
As I mentioned, this chapter includes an adult scene, which I will italicize so you may avoid it if that's not your thing. If you chose to read, be warned that it is deserving of the M rating, and completely NSFW!
Finally, all credit and love and adoration to the fine folks at Bioware who own these characters and universe! Thank you for giving me the tools to craft my fics, I'm only borrowing though, not claiming ownership!
The silence in the room after Tali's announcement was tangible. It stretched on for what felt like years rather than the seconds that it actually lasted as everyone processed their reactions, and until Admiral Raan, ever the politician if not the diplomat, stepped in to fill it.
"Captain Alenko, I had no idea," she began, notes of apology and admonition coloring her tone. "We would never have ambushed you with this announcement if I had any idea," she added, a clear message to her young colleague.
Tali's face fell from the excited anticipation as she realized her announcement may not be as well received as she'd hoped.
"Shepard, I'm so-"she began to apologize until Kat raised a hand to cut her off.
"It's ok, Tali," she soothed, "I understand the intention, we were all just a little shocked."
Kat pulled every bit of diplomat she had learned to be around her and took a deep breath. She wasn't sure how she felt about the announcement yet, but she knew someone needed to get the relevant information and take charge. Taking charge, she was good at, she could do that. She gave a quick glance to her husband and his warm smile of reassurance encouraged her more than anything else could.
"What do you mean, reinstall EDI?" she asked, stating the question that she was sure everyone in the room was thinking.
"I knew, even in London, that the AI you encountered had lied to you," Tali began. Her face was once again wreathed in excitement, and she began to speak quickly - a scientist swept away by the joy of discovery – so she missed the slight flinch that Kat had in reaction to the harsh truth.
It's not that Kat hadn't suspected, even known, that the being that she had encountered in the Crucible had manipulated her and attempted to accomplish its own goals, which after long and sometimes painful discussion with Kaidan she had come to recognize as integration of its 'species' with organic life as a last ditch effort to maintain its foothold on the galaxy. It was just that the bald statement of the truth that had taken some time to recognize was a bit jarring and painful. Still, Tali continued in a rush as if her words had not had any effect.
"Or, at least, it did not give you the full truth. The idea that firing the Crucible could eradicate all synthetic life in the galaxy is a logical fallacy. Certainly, it could – and did – disable all current synthetics, in the same way that the pulse from the firing spread throughout the mass effect relay system and caused them to cease function. What it did not, and could not, do was eliminate the knowledge that allowed that synthetic life to exist in the first place. In essence, organics were the 'Creators' just as the geth have stated… The AI in the Crucible could eliminate the product, but not the genesis. That is why it tried to make a future where organics rebuild the synthetics seem hopeless – with the intention of dissuading you from that choice, in an effort to preserve its existence. But don't you see, Shepard? The lies prove that your choice was the correct one!" She paused for a breath and to, finally, check for a reaction.
Kat nodded, shoving aside the plethora of emotions that her choice that day never failed to raise in her and concentrating instead on the logic and science of what Tali was getting at.
"You're saying that it could stop the current synthetics, but not the creation of new ones, or even the re-creation of the existing ones and so it tried to make that choice seem wrong so I would not pick it?"
"Even more insidious," Tali said thoughtfully. "I don't honestly believe there were any choices… It may have used its extensive capabilities and your injured and shocked condition to make it seem so, but in actuality, I believe there was only one choice – whether or not to fire the Crucible – and it was desperately trying to dissuade you from firing. I believe the synthesis 'option' it offered you was the end goal of the 'Intelligence', as the Leviathan referred to it, but not that firing the Crucible would have done it. The third option – controlling the Reapers – was a complete myth that it knew based on your psyche and previous actions you were in no danger of choosing."
"Knowing that, I suspected that it would be possible to reactivate the geth – you even helped the Admiralty Board vote in favor of the research to do so – but even further, I knew that all synthetic life could be restored, since the knowledge it came from still existed. EDI is a bit of a different case since her genesis sprang from unleashing her and her 'learning' from interactions with you and the rest of the Normandy crew, but again, the knowledge from which she was 'born' still exists, it just needed to be reorganized, recompiled. That's what I've been doing for the past two years, and this information that we found last month is the last piece of the puzzle. We have all the knowledge, we just need to follow the steps, and have a little luck on our side."
"What EDI can we expect from this process, Tali?" Kaidan asked. Unlike Kat, he had easily spotted the fallacy of the Crucible AI, but recognized that it was easy to do so with a scientific mind in controlled circumstances and hindsight – all luxuries his wife had not had at the time. In fact, knowing the difficult and extreme conditions in which Kat had made the decision – in shock, injured, grieving from the death of her mentor and father figure – that she had still somehow made the correct and logical one was nothing short of amazing. One of the things he admired the most about his wife – as a woman and a commander – was that she always made the tough choices in difficult circumstances and that she was usually right. It was the reason that she had been the de facto leader of the war against the Reapers – she was the best qualified to do it.
This situation though was a war that Kat wasn't the best qualified to fight, Kaidan knew. She was better with a shotgun in hand and imminent threat lurking than with scientific debate. Give Kat something to kill, she'd make it happen, but she wouldn't write a thesis on it after. That's where he came in, and he knew that Tali would understand the question he was asking now, just as Kat wouldn't necessarily think to ask it.
"That's difficult to determine," Tali answered thoughtfully. "Although we have recovered the hardware in which EDI was housed, both the original and mobile platforms, the architecture doesn't follow traditional logic so Admiral Xen and myself are not completely sure how much of the memories and experience once EDI became fully sentient, aware, and independent are retained and where. Frankly," she added with a slight shrug, "we really can't know until after reinstallation, but we did not want to take that step without, for lack of a better word, permission."
Kaidan nodded. It was not an unexpected answer. Frankly, for as much as technology was science, every technician accepted that there was a certain amount of magic involved as well. It made the field fascinating, but also a bit frustrating. While he might understand and accept that, he had a suspicion that his wife wouldn't be quite as forgiving and the challenge now would be to keep her away from her shotgun while they hoped the magic worked. He turned to his wife to find her staring at him with a raised brow. Apparently she was beginning to read his mind as well as he sometimes read hers, and she was waiting for him to finish his internal debate and 'translate' for her as she liked to call it. He gave her a small smile and took a deep breath.
"Tali is saying that they can reassemble and reinstall EDI in some form, but they're not sure how much of her personality and memories will remain. It's possible that she may be as she was when you first encountered her, or even less advanced," Kaidan explained.
"If she doesn't remember, can she still learn? Will she still be EDI?" Kat asked, her brow furrowed.
"You're asking the ultimate question – nature versus nurture – that sociologists and psychologists have been trying to answer for as long as there was such a thing. We just don't know is the short answer," Kaidan replied.
"So it's a crapshoot, one that might end up emotionally scarring one of my crew if it's unsuccessful," Kat summarized with a sigh. "I love these choices - have I ever mentioned that?"
"One could argue that you wouldn't continue to have to make them unless you had some talent for it," Admiral Raan added her insight to the discussion. "One way or another, the choice of whether to continue with this… experiment is yours to make, Captain. I'm sure you'll make the right one."
"Thanks, Admiral," Kat replied with a nod to the older woman. "I hope you're right. With your permission, I'd like to return to the Normandy and discuss this with my crew. I'd also like Tali to join us to answer any further questions we may have."
"Of course," Admiral Raan assented, coming to her feet and replacing her helmet. Admiral Koris and Tali both replaced their protective headgear as well then Raan pushed the same button on the console as before and a buzzer sounded. "We will leave you to it, then," she added as she and Admiral Koris exited the Conclave Center.
Kat remained immobile, lost in her thoughts for a full moment after the Admirals left before she stood slowly. She turned to the crew that remained surprising silent and still - more of a testament to the shock that Tali's announcement had caused than out of any respect for her authority, she knew – and spoke.
"We will hold a briefing about this issue in the conference room aboard the Normandy in 3 hours. In the meantime, I would like any of you that have thoughts, concerns, opinions they'd like to share to do so, but not – I repeat NOT – publically or with Flight Lieutenant Moreau. I will be in the captain's quarters until then. Please see us there if you have anything you want to share. Dismissed," she completed her short speech with a decisive nod then turned to leave the Conclave Center, before she realized Tali was no longer actually part of the crew or subject to her orders. "Tali, will you please join us on the Normandy and be present for that briefing?" she asked in a much quieter tone. At Tali's nod of agreement, Kat turned and left the building.
Two hours later, Kat had heard from the crew that had assembled at the Conclave Center, and discussed the issue and all its implications thoroughly with Kaidan, and she still didn't feel prepared for the final step of the process. She took a deep breath before she stepped up into the cockpit and asked herself, not for the first time, exactly what she would say to the man who had been much more than her loyal crewmate and pilot for over 6 years, but in fact, one of her best friends. The one certainty that the past two hours had given her was that this man was the person with the most stake in the decision and therefore the person who should actually be making it. Once she realized that, it was just a question of how to actually tell Joker. A question that still didn't have an answer even as she stood in front of the man.
Joker turned slightly in his pilot's chair to face her.
"Hey, Shepard," he greeted cheerily. "Are you here to get me for the surprise party, cause if so, the gig is up, I already know. And also, my birthday isn't for another three months, so I sincerely hope you haven't been planning another suicide mission for the last two hours."
"Sorry, Joker," Kat replied, seating herself in the jumpseat to Joker's left. "I guess it must have seemed a little dire… But no suicide mission today. I do need to talk to you about something, though."
"Which also seems a little dire," Joker sallied back. "What gives?"
Kat took a deep breath and reminded herself of Kaidan's parting advice to 'rip the bandage off quickly.'
"Apparently, for the past two years, Tali – and Admiral Xen – have been researching not just reactivating the geth but also EDI," she told him, searching his face for any clues. Surprisingly, the man with the worst poker face onboard remained rather stoic after her announcement. "We – I – didn't know this until today. But they believe they've made enough progress to attempt reinstallation, but they do not know how successful they will be or how much EDI will remember or know. I came to talk to you to get your input – your choice – on the matter."
After a short moment of shocked silence, Joker responded with just one word, and it was Kat's turn to be shocked.
"Why?" he asked.
"She was your… girlfriend," Kat replied, responding to the question she assumed he was asking – why was she consulting him. "You have the most to lose here, if this doesn't succeed. And when I was on the Crucible, I had to make the choice for the entire galaxy, in the moment, on the spot and without any emotional considerations. Now, I have the luxury of time and space, and I can do the right thing for you."
"Well, I appreciate that, Shepard," Joker replied in one of the most serious tones she had ever heard him use. "But you don't have to make up for the Crucible – we dealt with that bullshit years ago. I know you made the right choice, I knew it then. I was just hurting. But the bottom line is you were there because you could make the right choice. But what I was really asking was: why is there a question about whether to try this?"
"What if it doesn't work, or she's not the same?" Kat probed.
"From a military standpoint, there's no downside," Joker replied. "She's the most advanced technology that the Alliance has – in any version. From a personal standpoint – well, let me put it this way… If Kaidan were gone, and you knew you could bring him back, but he may not remember or love you, would you say yes?"
"As long as he wouldn't suffer, yes," Kat answered with a thoughtful nod.
"See, that's what real love is," Joker said with a wave of his hand out the viewport. "Thinking that the universe is a better place with the person you love in it, even if they're not with you. Wanting the best for them."
Kat stood as quickly as she could manage and leaned over and placed a soft kiss on her friend's cheek. When she pulled back, they were both a little red and awkward but the gesture still felt right to her.
"Flight Lieutenant, you may be the biggest pain in the ass smart mouth little shit 90% of the time, but I love you like a brother," Kat said with a grin. "And that was probably the wisest thing you've ever said."
"I have my moments," Joker replied with a characteristic smirk. "Now can you take your girl hormones out of my cockpit before I have to have it deconned?" He added, proving her assessment.
"Ab-so-fucking-lutely," Kat snapped her pilot a smart salute and turned to exit, smirk firmly in place on her face as well.
Kaidan returned to their cabin after his mission briefing with his small team to find Kat sitting in the dark, apparently staring at the fish tank. He wondered how rough Joker had been on her, and took a moment to castigate himself for sending her to talk to the pilot alone. On his way to the bed, he activated the light over the desk so that more than the fish tank illuminated the area. The extra light showed him that his wife's face was reflective and a bit sad but not angry or guilty as he had feared.
"Things go ok with Joker?" he asked in greeting as he seated himself on the bed beside her and brushed a stray lock of hair behind her ear.
"It wasn't horrible," Kat replied, giving him a small smile. "Unexpected, but not horrible."
"That's good then," Kaidan answered, realizing that this was another moment where he would need the patience to wait her out as she avoided the issue. "Why unexpected?" he asked, trying the direct approach.
"He gave me the full green light," Kat replied, still obviously distracted. "Was surprised that I even asked, in fact."
Ok, Kaidan thought to himself, apparently Joker isn't the issue. Still, he'd been playing the read-between-the-lines game with Kat long enough, there was clearly something in her talk with Joker that was making her pensive. He turned fully to her on the bed and lifted a brow, hoping that the silent and subtle tactic would work now as it often did. He'd process the idea that Joker had apparently made a selfless and rational decision with minimal emotional conflict after his pregnant wife wasn't giving him sad eyes.
"Do you remember talking to Miranda in London?" Kat asked softly. "About me," she added for clarification, though Kaidan didn't need it. There was only one significant conversation he had had with Miranda while Kat lay near death in a hospital bed nearby, and he wasn't likely to forget it anytime soon.
"She told you about it?" he questioned, more to try to get an idea of where she was going with this than because he needed the obvious answer.
"She wanted to explain why she didn't try to do more to save my life – rebuild me, she called it – when I was recovering after the Crucible," Kat explained. "She said that you told her not to. I didn't question it at the time, but Joker said something today that made me remember it."
"Which was?" Kaidan asked, thinking that they must be getting better at this since she didn't seem to be interested in dragging it out.
"He said if you really love someone, you want them to be in the world, even if they're not with you." Kat turned her large green eyes on him fully finally and he saw the tears glistening in them. "You would have let me die," she said sadly, the tears in her voice now, too.
Kaidan took a moment to gather her close and wrap his arms around her, but he used one finger under her chin to tilt her face up so her eyes met his. He punched down the pain that her words and misunderstanding caused, knowing that it was a minor wound he could tend to another day, and reached for the infinite love and patience he had for her.
"I would have let you die, because I love you," he told her quietly. "And it was the most difficult thing I've ever had to face and I thank any power that exists that you are a strong and amazing and tough woman and you beat the odds. I never want to contemplate a world without you in it, but I would have let you go if it meant that you had the rest and peace you earned. So Joker isn't wrong – and I would have loved to let Miranda play god with you – anything – any guarantee that I wouldn't lose you. But sometimes when you love someone, you have to be willing to make sacrifices, accept the pain, when it's better for them."
After his short and unusual – for him – speech Kat was speechless for a moment. Then she reached up and laid her hand against his cheek and kissed him softly.
"You misunderstood," she told him softly. "I meant – you would have let me die. You would have taken on that pain and suffered because of how much you love me. Thank you. I love you so much."
"Wow, I guess I really got that one wrong," Kaidan replied with a relieved grin. "But you could have been clearer, you know. Sometimes being married to you is its own minefield."
"I deserve that," Kat admitted with a wry grin, "but hopefully our days of world-ending crisis are behind us, and we can settle in to being old married parents without all the constant drama."
"I don't know," Kaidan told her, "life with you is always drama. And I think you deserve to be tickled for putting me through that tonight." Kaidan reached around to just under her ribs – a spot he knew to be particularly ticklish – and proceeded to put plan to action, when she swerved to avoid him in a particularly agile move considering her size.
"I'm Commander-fucking-Shepard," she told him with a mock glare, "I am NOT ticklish."
He adjusted and reached for her again while she tried to evade him, and he mocked growled.
"It's a good thing the Reapers didn't know your weakness – the war might have gone differently," he told her, as she crawled up the bed in a futile attempt to avoid his 'attack.'
When she realized that she was cornered and pinned, she shifted tactics. She pulled him closer and met his mouth in a kiss that was initially intended to distract, but then as their lips and tongues began to mate and dance in a rhythm that had become so familiar but yet never ceased to be exciting, the game changed for both of them. They lost themselves in the kiss as they both began to touch each other, this time not to play, but to entice and explore.
He broke the kiss first, tearing his mouth from hers to explore her jaw and chin, then moving to her ear, while she tried to concentrate on removing his shirt. He broke away and pulled back long enough to assist her efforts and throw the offending garment to the floor before he leaned back in and took her mouth again. This time the kiss was deeper, but also gentler as he consciously reminded himself that Commander Shepard or no, she was pregnant. This time she growled, and bit his lip – albeit gently – a definite reminder of how she felt about being treated differently because of her condition. He gave a mental shrug and dove into their kiss, bringing his hands up again, this time to caress rather than tickle. He started working on the fastenings of her garment, and managed to get it open without breaking contact. His hands cupped her full breasts and he decided that this was one side effect of pregnancy that he thoroughly enjoyed.
She moaned into their kiss and shifted, trying to get her shirt off completely and stroke his bare back and chest at the same time. When that wasn't very effective, Kaidan broke the kiss again and sat back to help, divesting both of them of the rest of their clothes before lying back on the bed, this time beside her. He drew her to him, spooning her from behind, and let his mouth wander her neck, throat and ears as his hands explored her bare breasts. He cupped both of them, testing the weight in his palms, then he began to stroke her already hard nipples, teasing the firm peaks. He took each nipple between his thumb and forefinger and rolled them gently, giving her the stimulation of pressure that was just on the edge of pain, as he knew she preferred. She moaned and shifted against him, and rubbed her butt against the part of him that was hard and aching for her.
He kept one hand alternating between her nipples, playing with them, while he trailed the other down her body, over the swell of her belly and between her parted thighs. As expected, he found her hot and wet for him already, but he took a moment to explore her, using his fingers to tease and caress, building her anticipation. He slid inside her warm wetness with a short thrust of his hips, and took a moment to savor once he was fully seated. No matter how many times he was inside this woman, he knew it would never be enough. This was truly his home and he reveled in it.
Kat got her breath back after the initial gasp that being filled by her husband always seemed to bring, and felt his moment of stillness inside her. While she didn't disagree with the indulgence, she longed for the motion of him in and out of her and the heights that only he could ever bring her. She shifted back against him; a silent reminder to get the party started and gasped again as he moved first his fingers to the center of her pleasure, then began to withdraw from her depths. Before she caught her breath fully, he shoved back in her, hard and deep, and then began a rhythm that she knew would bring her to climax quickly.
He continued to play with her nipples almost lazily while his other hand found her hard peak buried in her wetness and teased at it, drawing lazy circles around it while he kept thrusting in and out of her at a pace he knew would drive her mad. He knew her body as well as his own at this point, and he paid attention to all the little queues that she sent in order to enhance and maximize her pleasure. He felt her inner muscles begin to tighten around him and moved a finger to her nub, rubbing in tight circles to help send her over the edge into her first orgasm.
Kat moaned as she closed her eyes and gave into the sensations that swept over and enveloped her. She saw colors behind her lids as wave after wave of hot pleasure swamped her. Her already hard nipples tightened into stiff peaks and her core flooded with even more moisture even as it tightened around the hardness invading it. She shivered as her skin became over-sensitized and she felt every the tingles all the way to her toes. She shifted her hips again, an invitation for him to go deeper, harder, to wring out every drop of pleasure that she could manage. He didn't disappoint.
Kaidan felt her begin to come down from the orgasm and increased his pace, both inside and outside her. As far as he was concerned, bringing her to peak was even more exciting than his own orgasm and he would do this all night if he wasn't fighting his own pleasure as well as fully aware that she tired easily in her condition – not that she would admit to it. He knew that the next one would be the last for both of them, no amount of higher math would distract him enough to keep him from following her, but he was determined to make it special for her. He thrust back inside her, pushing as deep as he could go and paused again to play with her, teasing her until he felt her tremble against him.
Kaidan held himself still and deep inside her while he played his fingers over her sensitive flesh, and pulled firmly on her nipple with his other hand. He knew at this point she could handle the intense sensation and her immediate sigh and tremble proved him right. He kept up his ministrations, pushing her, waiting patiently for her. When he felt her internal muscles begin to clasp around him, he gave in with a grunt and set a hard pace, shoving himself in and out of her and enhancing the pleasure while he sped towards his own. In the space of a few strokes, he felt the climax sweep over him and surrendered to it. He released himself deep inside her with a moan.
They held still for a few moments, letting the pleasure wash over them, sharing it quietly together, then he withdrew from her body and she rolled back to face him. He kissed her gently, stroking her hair, wrapping his arms around her and just generally enjoying their peace.
"I'm a little jealous, you know," she murmured quietly.
"Because I get to go babysit the lovebirds?" he guessed, easily following her train of thought.
"Because you get to get out and away from all the drama and science," she corrected, mock shuddering on the word science.
"It is a bit of role reversal," Kaidan mused.
She sighed deeply and shifted to a more comfortable position. She placed a hand on her prominent belly and rubbed it thoughtfully.
"I think I'm just ready to have this kid," she grumbled.
"I'd rather you waited til we were safely back on Earth at the Alliance Med Center," Kaidan replied mildly.
"And what if that can't happen?" Kat asked with a frown.
"Then we'll deal," Kaidan answered soothingly. "You beat the Reapers, I'm sure we'll win this one, too."
"I still wish I was going with you," Kat said with a yawn.
Kaidan kissed her forehead and drew her close in preparation for sleep. "I know you do," he murmured softly. "But you can be Commander-fucking-Shepard again soon."
"I'm always Commander-fucking-Shepard," Kat muttered, and she was almost sure she heard her husband chuckle as she let sleep claim her.